Giving one another permission to pursue a new love after one of you pass?

OregonGuy

OregonGuy

Senior Member
My wife was in ICU for two weeks before she passed. During that time she encouraged me to pursue a new relationship after she passed knowing we would be united again after I passed.

Do you think this is a subject that should be discussed at any age? For a couple at age 50 it could mean the survivor would have decades to develop new relationships. At my age 78 I am satisfied just having friends.

I highly recommend the movie ALWAYS which addresses this subject.
 

OregonGuy said:
My wife was in ICU for two weeks before she passed. During that time she encouraged me to pursue a new relationship after she passed knowing we would be united again after I passed.
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A difficult situation but I believe such dying wishes are common.
OregonGuy said:
Do you think this is a subject that should be discussed at any age? For a couple at age 50 it could mean the survivor would have decades to develop new relationships.
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Yes, I think so.
OregonGuy said:
At my age 78 I am satisfied just having friends.
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I am 77 and going through a divorce. Well, at my age I am no longer interested in sex so "having friends" (particulalry female ones) is good enough. Anyway, I was the faithful one so I've lost a lot of trust. Friends, yeah are good enough. :)
 
I think in the case mentioned in the OP, it's an instance of alleviating guilt, a message to say, "life will go on without me." Once we meet the inevitability of death, That's a nice gesture Most often, someone has to go first.

I still have a little life in me yet. However, my ideas of death mean I wouldn't need permission as such. Once your partner dies, you have the memories that will stay with you forever. There's nothing you can do about that. As oldsters, we all know that time is precious, loved ones are important, and that we sometimes need someone.

Mortality doesn't need apologizing for, one should assume life for the remaining partner will continue. However, while meeting a new partner might not be as exciting as it was when I was 16, one tends to value friendship higher on the list of priorities. Higher, but for me not exclusive. :D
 
My husband and I discussed this. Coincidentally he died five months later. We both said, in Unison! No! No one will ever boss me again!
I was so proud that my husband felt I bossed him. So weird we said same exact words at same time. Actually, we did that often.
 
OregonGuy said:
My wife was in ICU for two weeks before she passed. During that time she encouraged me to pursue a new relationship after she passed knowing we would be united again after I passed.

Do you think this is a subject that should be discussed at any age? For a couple at age 50 it could mean the survivor would have decades to develop new relationships. At my age 78 I am satisfied just having friends.

I highly recommend the movie ALWAYS which addresses this subject.
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just a thought... when people say they'll be reunited when they have both passed... what do you think happens if you meet someone else who is the love of your life.. don't you get to meet them in the afterlife ?
 
My wife and I have been married for well over 50 years. We both recognize that our time together is limited at this point. We also both agree and understand that when one of us is gone, the other should feel free to have another in their life. We love each other so why would we not want our spouse to have that option after we are gone.
 
papa tiger said:
My thought is just go on living. Who you befriend is your business.
I deal ok with lonely but don't throw away a good person. Maybe
the only fix for loss of loved one is find a friend, But not desperately.

We're perfect if she can't understand a word I say.
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If I may be as bold as to ask: Does she have aphasia?
 
My present DH of 10 years?

We both know neither of us really like living alone.
I probably could live alone better than him, but I'd get a German Shepherd before I'd get a new man.

DH is more social than I
God knows he would need a woman to take care of him because what he considers clean is polar opposite of me.
When we first married at age 60 he was a bachelor for years.

I kept having to REMIND him to take a bath! Change his underwear! Eat healthy! Brush his teeth! Change his shirt! SHAVE! Put in his hearing aides!
He DID all that when we dated but then thought he could stop once he got me? Not.

I left his butt for FOUR months one year. We kept getting in arguments about him not hearing me and not wearing his hearing aides. So I just packed up all my things and left.

Now DH wears his hearing aides ALL the time, and I seldom have to remind him to do ANYTHING re: bathing, underwear, eating, brushing his teeth. In fact, he has turned into a lovely husband. Just wish I could get him to stop discussing politics with my family (kids), they hate political discussions. My kids are used to happy, silly family things.

OLD dogs can learn new tricks.
 
I've never been married but I think everyone needs to do what is best for them. If they can figure that out.

I think your wife did a good thing. A heck of a lot better than saying you should never find someone else. Due to the work I do I have had to deal with people who made promises to family at the end of life. Often those promises were not in the interest of the living and I don't think any promise made to a dying person needs to be honored.
 
Timewise 60+ said:
My wife and I have been married for well over 50 years. We both recognize that our time together is limited at this point. We also both agree and understand that when one of us is gone, the other should feel free to have another in their life. We love each other so why would we not want our spouse to have that option after we are gone.
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Exactly. Us too. My best friend and her husband were married for 54 years. High school sweethearts, two kids together, all through thick and thin. Then she died of pancreatic cancer two years after they were able to retire.

I kept in touch with him for two years, to help him get through the time I knew it would take to adjust to life with her gone.

Then he found a new lady friend. They have been dating and traveling for a couple years now. He does not intent to marry as she isn't able to remarry at this juncture.
 
Grown kids and family have the hardest time watching a parent begin a social life...my word. Kids can get their panties in a twist for all sorts of reasons when a newly single ELDER parent either via death or divorce, begins to have a new social life with the opposite sex.

We don't stop being attracted and wanting to pair up just because we are older! I can't imagine my DH dying (for example) next year and living the nest 25-30 years without someone to be attached to. As I said before, I prefer a German Sheppherd...but what if a wonderful, kind, clean man came along, who was as financially "adequate" and healthy as myself?
 
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