Surviving Loneliness help/aid

[CooCooforCoCoPuffs]

No problem.

Not self absorbed.

When we have been done wrong and our most intimate thoughts have been betrayed & ravaged I feel no one is above suspicion any longer. If someone says, "I love you" but cheats behind your back it is easy to disbelieve the next person who says, "I love you." The same goes for liars. If someone says they are innocent of a crime they committed then why should we believe them when they say, "It's four-thirty"?

Know exactly how you feel.
When someone who is in a position of trust betrays it leaves invisible scars that only fade with time passage or distraction from pain.

Some people use another person as a distraction from a previous relationship betrayal: rebounders.
Or vindictive, psychologically sick people do it intentionally due to bitterness.

Bitterness is bad energy; I believe it is at least partly due to feeling you have no control over what happened. For example you say you got totally blindsided by a loved one, fooled over a period of deception and you didn't see it; feel like a fool; and didn't let yourself heal or forgive yourself for being so blind you didn't feel the deception happening. One can let oneself stay sick - in grief, not work through it, which we all must. Bitterness is a symptom of deep pain and inability to move forward out of pain.

I move forward by repeating to myself "I am not perfect, they certainly are not imperfect...we are all imperfect. But I am not going to let their imperfection ruin the rest of my life."

Being betrayed isn't just, it isn't fair, but no one is perfect not even someone you thought loved you.

Someone you thought had your back. It feels like murder and it is, but we move on. We must.

 

[Elsie]

Although I have taught death and dying, nothing prepared me for the death of my family. The family I had created and sustained for over 30 years, through everything, things I did not want to go through. The grief of the lost hope that my DH was not the untrustworthy (to put it mildly) person I had handed my heart to back in 1984. I could have taken anything, but to see him destroy the family life of all four of my children was worse than seeing a death. The kids live on and I watch them suffer, I grieve every family event that no longer exists. I built memorable Christmases, holidays, birthdays they could all remember with joy - and he was always gone and working and didn't need to be.

Then he crossed a boundary I told warned him clearly of, before I accepted an engagement ring from him : that because I had been sexually abused from the time I was 9 to 17, I would literally kill him if he ever touched my daughter who was 9 when we married. He promised me he never would. A small voice inside me had doubt, but I just thought I was imagining due to my abuse history.

I could have taken ANYTHING but for him to sexually abuse my daughter.

The grief of him destroying my family and knowing he did this to my daughter killed and still does kill me inside, deeply.

I have spent YEARS trying to control myself, controlling the anger. It killed my family completely.

At the age of six I was sexually abused 3 times that I remember by my stepfather. Because he was kind to me, in my immature mind I didn't realize he was foully treating me. I'd been subtlety taught by my mother that adults were to be obeyed--so of course I should obey my stepfather. Yet somehow I knew I shouldn't speak of it to anyone. I ended up with an STD, a green discharge.

It would go dry on my panties & one day my mother saw it & because she thought I was upset about it (I wasn't, but then what did I know) strangely, she gently said he (stepfather) had smeared whatever on my year older sister. I wondered why mother would tell me something like that. I don't recall ever seeing him again after that. As a divorced adult with a daughter I closely watched how my boyfriend treated her as she sat on his lap. All was fine.

As an adult, my mother told me I did do things as a little girl that were sexually abused signs, but my mother blamed them on me just being 'nasty'. I've never blamed myself for that sick adults' action on me, sickened and angry but not revengeful.

I do think it left me with an （underlying） disgust at men's overactive desire for sexual encounters.

 

[Inept]

Know exactly how you feel.

I am sure that you do.

When someone who is in a position of trust betrays it leaves invisible scars that only fade with time passage or distraction from pain.

It certainly does.

Some people use another person as a distraction from a previous relationship betrayal: rebounders.

I can see that.

Or vindictive, psychologically sick people do it intentionally due to bitterness.

I've seen that too.

Bitterness is bad energy;

Yes and no. Loving unconditionally may have got us into this trouble in the first place. Forgiving, tolerance, and disbelief (willing to think it's only your imagination) can keep one from breaking free. Bitterness (ridiculing yourself for the unconditional love you offered) makes walking away (running away) easier. Getting free from the deliberate tormentor may require bitterness.

... you say you got totally blindsided by a loved one, fooled over a period of deception and you didn't see it; feel like a fool; and didn't let yourself heal or forgive yourself for being so blind you didn't feel the deception happening.

Yes.

One can let oneself stay sick - in grief, not work through it,

Looking for an excuse to give the deceptive person another chance. No thank you. We must fall out of love in order to move on.

Bitterness is a symptom of deep pain and inability to move forward out of pain.

As I stated above bitterness can be the first real step towards healing. We cannot sooth a burn with ice unless we remove ourselves from the flames first.

I move forward by repeating to myself "I am not perfect, they certainly are not imperfect...we are all imperfect.

We ... and the offender need to be dealt with separately. We must heal ... the offender has to work on him/herself. That's not my job. I will cherish my bitterness as long as it does me good and achieves its purpose.

 

[Marcy Sheiner]

I lost two wives and a financee, siblings and friends. I grieve for a few minutes and move on. I know spending too much time in grief is counter productive and even dangerous. Loneliness really isn't an issue, I'll get bored before I get lonely. I try to keep a positive attitude though everything and keep busy.

I believe firmly that we should take all the time we need to grieve for those who've left the planet. Based on experience, beginning with my father's death when I was 33.

 

[Ruthanne]

 

[CooCooforCoCoPuffs]

At the age of six I was sexually abused 3 times that I remember by my stepfather. Because he was kind to me, in my immature mind I didn't realize he was foully treating me. I'd been subtlety taught by my mother that adults were to be obeyed--so of course I should obey my stepfather. Yet somehow I knew I shouldn't speak of it to anyone. I ended up with an STD, a green discharge.

It would go dry on my panties & one day my mother saw it & because she thought I was upset about it (I wasn't, but then what did I know) strangely, she gently said he (stepfather) had smeared whatever on my year older sister. I wondered why mother would tell me something like that. I don't recall ever seeing him again after that. As a divorced adult with a daughter I closely watched how my boyfriend treated her as she sat on his lap. All was fine.

As an adult, my mother told me I did do things as a little girl that were sexually abused signs, but my mother blamed them on me just being 'nasty'. I've never blamed myself for that sick adults' action on me, sickened and angry but not revengeful.

I do think it left me with an （underlying） disgust at men's overactive desire for sexual encounters.

Am so sorry that happened, am glad your mother picked up on it, @Elsie

 

[Ted01]

Here's some idea in another thread:

Help in Combating Loneliness

 

[CooCooforCoCoPuffs]

One can let oneself stay sick - in grief, not work through it,

Looking for an excuse to give the deceptive person another chance. No thank you. We must fall out of love in order to move on.
When I said: "not work through it" I did not mean you should work through it with the betrayer.
You alone need to work through the process of grieving over this loss...of a dream, of a love, of the trust in one specific human. Just like with death, a widower grieves for the loss of a person, a dream, goals, what was thought was going to be...for being left alone or whatever those two people had between them and is now lost. Death can in fact feel like a betrayal to the one left behind...too, just like you feel.

And yes, you do need to fall out of love with the person.

Bitterness is a symptom of deep pain and inability to move forward out of pain.

As I stated above bitterness can be the first real step towards healing. We cannot sooth a burn with ice unless we remove ourselves from the flames first.
Bitterness absolutely is normal very early on. Yes for a while.

It truly is not a one size fits all situation, everyone comes up from this... "drowning" in bitterness, grief and shock differently over whatever period of time. To a point.

Some people,

(and I do not know you so I am in inferring anything here);

they seem to enjoy holding on to bitterness, basking in it if you will. The being the "incensed one" the "done wrong" party role, has a reward for those "some".

They are a sort of a drama queen personality type that enjoys this long term bitterness as it has a social reward to some extent. It is the social reward of gaining pity by being the presumed "innocent" one, the aggrieved one. Those types repeatedly say in their head: "Look at me! I was totally innocent and look what she/he/they did to ME!".

The bitterness stage is supposed to be SHORT lived... for a reason: to attract empathy for all humans. BUT if it becomes long lived and pathologic and destructive to moving on, it will no longer be beneficial to healing at all. In fact those type personalities who hold onto bitterness, taking on a victim mentality, are the ones we all roll our eyes at (in our minds) at when we see or hear from that type aggrieved and bitter person, being bitter for far too long a period and too frequently hearing the same "grief" over and over. Who wants to be around a sad sack drama queen repeatedly?

No one! I have been there: the sad sack, bitter drama queen STILL licking the wounds of life's travesties like a lone dog. So pitiful..and boring.

I move forward by repeating to myself "I am not perfect, they certainly are not imperfect...we are all imperfect.

We ... and the offender need to be dealt with separately. We must heal ... the offender has to work on him/herself. That's not my job. I will cherish my bitterness as long as it does me good and achieves its purpose.

Entirely agree, @Inept.
Personally l don't deal with the offender not at all: don't even waste any more of MY life is what my stance is in this type situation. They become "null" in MY brain as much as possible. By withdrawing completely socially with this person, they may possibly learn..but...!! WHY even cares, that takes energy and energy must be used to forget that past, period. Of course it is NOT your job!

Cherish that bitterness as long as it does you good but not so long as it does harm to you or others and the bitterness does not come back to bite you. By bite you I mean: lose chances at good relationships, social and love relationships in the future.

There will come a time... and it will be worth waiting for.
Don't trust me, I know why you don't/won't and you are justified.
But I am not her, either.

 

[Inept]

Personally l don't deal with the offender not at all: don't even waste any more of MY life is what my stance is in this type situation. They become "null" in MY brain as much as possible. By withdrawing completely socially with this person, they may possibly learn..but...!! WHY even cares, that takes energy and energy must be used to forget that past, period. Of course it is NOT your job!

 

[Pepper]

That is a trait I have and another person said that to me once: "IT isn't ALL about YOU".
I apologize if I come across as self absorbed at times; it really turns people off and I know it.
I apologize for being hyper-analytical of other people's actions and words, everything, all details.

I accept your apology, you came on like Gang Busters. It's okay..........welcome to the Forum, better late than never, dear.

 

[CerealKiller]

Surviving Loneliness

I assume most of us have experienced loneliness do to divorce or the death of a spouse. I also assume that most have found a way to cope, to survive, to get through it and be happy again. Let’s see a link of “how to” videos to help make it happen.

I am so lonely I can’t stand it. I don’t have a car and you can’t live on Long Island without a car. It’s a terrible feeling not having transportation to be able to run to the store just to get out. I have learned that people get tired of picking you up and dropping you off all the time so that stop asking you to join them. It’s so depressing.

 

[CerealKiller]

Although I have taught death and dying, nothing prepared me for the death of my family. The family I had created and sustained for over 30 years, through everything, things I did not want to go through. The grief of the lost hope that my DH was not the untrustworthy (to put it mildly) person I had handed my heart to back in 1984. I could have taken anything, but to see him destroy the family life of all four of my children was worse than seeing a death. The kids live on and I watch them suffer, I grieve every family event that no longer exists. I built memorable Christmases, holidays, birthdays they could all remember with joy - and he was always gone and working and didn't need to be.

Then he crossed a boundary I told warned him clearly of, before I accepted an engagement ring from him : that because I had been sexually abused from the time I was 9 to 17, I would literally kill him if he ever touched my daughter who was 9 when we married. He promised me he never would. A small voice inside me had doubt, but I just thought I was imagining due to my abuse history.

I could have taken ANYTHING but for him to sexually abuse my daughter.

The grief of him destroying my family and knowing he did this to my daughter killed and still does kill me inside, deeply.

I have spent YEARS trying to control myself, controlling the anger. It killed my family completely.

I’m so sorry that you experienced this situation and it is terrible.

 

[Inept]

I am so lonely I can’t stand it. I don’t have a car and you can’t live on Long Island without a car. It’s a terrible feeling not having transportation to be able to run to the store just to get out. I have learned that people get tired of picking you up and dropping you off all the time so that stop asking you to join them. It’s so depressing.

I understand but isn't there a large number of buses and subway lines that service Long Island?

 

[Doste]

I don't know about "loneliness" exactly but escaping an abusive relationship in 2015 and then moving house twice - in the interim i had my entire life savings stolen - brought back memories of being abused as a child. I suspect I was always conditioned to seek abusive relationships and as a result I would rather be alone. It's preferable. Anyway, I'm not lonely, I have friends, I'm in with a walking club and an art group and also work full-time (would rather be part-time, we'll see about that shortly I think).

 

[Babs2u]

I am so lonely I can’t stand it. I don’t have a car and you can’t live on Long Island without a car. It’s a terrible feeling not having transportation to be able to run to the store just to get out. I have learned that people get tired of picking you up and dropping you off all the time so that stop asking you to join them. It’s so depressing.

I grew up on Long Island but that was long ago. We were in Suffolk County on the eastern end. We could walk to the village or take a bus elsewhere. Toward NYC it was more congested with additional transportation options. Maybe offering to pay for gas plus a little extra would help.

 

[Inept]

..... I suspect I was always conditioned to seek abusive relationships.

Sooner or later that's the question we must ask ourselves.

 

[Inept]

I grew up on Long Island but that was long ago. We were in Suffolk County on the eastern end. We could walk to the village or take a bus elsewhere. Toward NYC it was more congested with additional transportation options. Maybe offering to pay for gas plus a little extra would help.

I've been under the impression that Lon Guyland is well connected with bus and subway lines to and from the city.

 

[Pepper]

I am so lonely I can’t stand it. I don’t have a car and you can’t live on Long Island without a car.

I lived in Valley Stream. I had a car, but in thinking back, I could have shopped, etc. without one. Food stores were close enough, other stores too, I lived near the Mall, the LIRR. Buses on Sunrise Highway, other major thorofares. Which town/county do you currently live in? All the way out east in the Boonies?

eta, for those who think it's easy to live on the Island without a car, it's not. If you have to get to another town, it's nearly impossible. If you stay only in your own town, you're okay, but they blend into each other.

 

[CooCooforCoCoPuffs]

I accept your apology, you came on like Gang Busters. It's okay..........welcome to the Forum, better late than never, dear.

Is a defense mechanism. My DH, when I just change voice tones so he can hear me, will say: "You don't need to get angry...".
I tell him: "You have never even seen me close to 'angry' " and he hasn't.

I hold in and control a huge amount of anger and I know it makes me come across angry at times. It just leaks out if I have been thinking about ex DH and what he did. I didn't sleep two nights after my revealing it in this threat, Pepper.

 

[Inept]

...... when I just change voice tones so he can hear me, will say: "You don't need to get angry...".
I tell him: "You have never even seen me close to 'angry' " and he hasn't.

 

[CooCooforCoCoPuffs]

I actually had to avoid and still do, my ex-DH, Inept!
I have NEVER in my life wished someone dead until he messed with my child and the worst part is, when she testified at one of my divorce hearings in 2012, when she was 36 I was sitting there thinking she had told me everything he'd done already, but you know what?

In OPEN court, she detailed "the last time he" tried to sexually mess with her:

The LAST time, was while I was in the hospital having my last child he and I had together.

I was so taken by surprise and shock, I thought was going to leap out of my chair and rip his throat out.! The !

 

[Lara]

I hold in and control a huge amount of anger and I know it makes me come across angry at times. It just leaks out if I have been thinking about ex DH and what he did.

I can't even imagine the pain and anger you are living with after all you've been through. And you are doing the best you can to control it. Good for you for hanging in their for the sake of your children. You're in my prayers.

 

[Inept]

I actually had to avoid and still do, my ex-DH, Inept!
I have NEVER in my life wished someone dead until he messed with my child and the worst part is, when she testified at one of my divorce hearings in 2012, when she was 36 I was sitting there thinking she had told me everything he'd done already, but you know what?

In OPEN court, she detailed "the last time he" tried to sexually mess with her:

The LAST time, was while I was in the hospital having my last child he and I had together.

I was so taken by surprise and shock, I thought was going to leap out of my chair and rip his throat out.! The !

You had every right to "hate". It's a strong word and I almost never use it myself but there are moments when it is justified. I think that day in OPEN court was one of them. I could tell you about some of my moments of justifiable hate but I think I'll leave it alone and try to think about 'sunshine, lollipops, rainbows', and other things instead.

 

[Kaila]

I am so lonely I can’t stand it. I don’t have a car and you can’t live on Long Island without a car. It’s a terrible feeling not having transportation to be able to run to the store just to get out. I have learned that people get tired of picking you up and dropping you off all the time so that stop asking you to join them. It’s so depressing.

I lived in Valley Stream. I had a car, but in thinking back, I could have shopped, etc. without one. Food stores were close enough, other stores too, I lived near the Mall, the LIRR. Buses on Sunrise Highway, other major thorofares. Which town/county do you currently live in? All the way out east in the Boonies?

eta, for those who think it's easy to live on the Island without a car, it's not. If you have to get to another town, it's nearly impossible. If you stay only in your own town, you're okay, but they blend into each other.

I've lived on Long Island , as well,
and I agree, it's very difficult to live there without a car or people you're really close to. It definitely contributes to isolation and the feelings of loneliness.

 

[Babs2u]

I've lived on Long Island , as well,
and I agree, it's very difficult to live there without a car or people you're really close to. It definitely contributes to isolation and the feelings of loneliness.

My dad, older brothers and sister were willing to drive me anywhere until I bought my own car at age 22. My town was a commuter town and taking the Long Island Railroad to NYC was something I often did. We also had access to great beaches. I know now how lucky I was.