Ronni
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nashville TN
In light of the recent thread about the Menendez brothers and their parole, I want to draw your attention to a comparison between them and me, in an effort to educate and enlighten, and particularly because of the brutal way some of the folks here have spoken about the brothers, and hopefully educate you about the dynamics of abuse.
I am making no excuses for the brothers.
However, if you’ve never studied abuse in depth, or been the victim of systematic, chronic, calculated, longtime abuse then you have no concept of its deep and crippling effects.
I am an abuse survivor. For 30 years before I finally found the courage to leave my ex I was emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially abused by him. Towards the end of my time with him he also turned to physical abuse. I wanted to die. I was passively suicidal. I hoped he would die.
I believed I was stupid, unintelligent, semi-literate, uncreative, a bad mother, terrible wife. I was cowed, subservient, had no self esteem, believed I was inconsequential. Had I not accidentally stumbled upon a group of abuse survivors (I was looking for ways to be a better wife) who had gone or were going through similar, who understood and believed me, I am quite certain I would be dead by now, or in prison myself.
That validation, the fact that I was believed, that confirmation that it wasn’t my fault, that I had worth and value, made a pivotal, life changing difference.
My ex was charming, charismatic, a brilliant award winning art director/designer (he won an Addy for one of his designs.) He was a gifted songwriter and lyricist, worked for MCA when we met, highly intelligent, artistic. He was also controlling, manipulative, arrogant, domineering, self absorbed, had an inflated sense of self-importance, lacked empathy, had major entitlement issues..all traits fully covered in the DSM-5. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition)
I was naive, hadn’t dated much, and was taken in by his charm and charisma and declarations of love. The few negative traits I did see (jealousy, possessiveness, grandiosity) I misinterpreted as love. Over time other traits that he’d hidden at the beginning began to emerge…a common strategy of abusers. After all, who in their right mind would attach themselves to a psychopath?
After I left him I too went on a spending spree. I bought all the things I and the kids weren’t allowed to have when we lived with him. Small things like soft toilet paper, scented hand soap, paper towels, slippers. The kids were finally allowed to go out, have people over, decorate their rooms any way they wanted. We could watch whatever TV shows and movies we wanted, dress however we wanted to.
I cut my hair. Over time I replaced my small wardrobe of black, gray and brown clothing with colorful items. My daughter I I started dancing…it was forbidden by him. So many things that had been forbidden or not allowed were now within our grasp and it was a dizzying, giddy feeling of release and liberation and we all went a bit wild for a time.
It took many years of therapy, education on the dynamics of abuse, self help, support groups, to overcome the worst of the psychological damage his abuse inflicted, though I still have triggers I’m not sure will ever go away.
I’m not relating any of this for sympathy, but rather to educate, to draw a comparison, to show a more in depth aspect of abuse than the black/white, Boolean logic approach that has been portrayed in the media concerning the Menendez boys.
The effects of systematic abuse on a person are complex and multifaceted no matter what form that abuse takes. Abuse related trauma has profound and long lasting effects on a person’s mental, emotional and physical well being.
I am a survivor of abuse, no longer a victim. It took a long time for me to be able to say that. As a victim, and finally a survicor, I understand what would compel the brothers to do what they did. I don’t condone it, but I do understand it. I stood at the kitchen window while my ex did yard work, and prayed to a God I no longer believed in that he would just drop dead from a heart attack, so yeah, I get their mindset.
I am completely open to any questions you might have about my personal experience in specific or the subject of abuse in general. My intention is to educate and to that end I welcome any queries you have.
I am making no excuses for the brothers.
However, if you’ve never studied abuse in depth, or been the victim of systematic, chronic, calculated, longtime abuse then you have no concept of its deep and crippling effects.
I am an abuse survivor. For 30 years before I finally found the courage to leave my ex I was emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially abused by him. Towards the end of my time with him he also turned to physical abuse. I wanted to die. I was passively suicidal. I hoped he would die.
I believed I was stupid, unintelligent, semi-literate, uncreative, a bad mother, terrible wife. I was cowed, subservient, had no self esteem, believed I was inconsequential. Had I not accidentally stumbled upon a group of abuse survivors (I was looking for ways to be a better wife) who had gone or were going through similar, who understood and believed me, I am quite certain I would be dead by now, or in prison myself.
That validation, the fact that I was believed, that confirmation that it wasn’t my fault, that I had worth and value, made a pivotal, life changing difference.
My ex was charming, charismatic, a brilliant award winning art director/designer (he won an Addy for one of his designs.) He was a gifted songwriter and lyricist, worked for MCA when we met, highly intelligent, artistic. He was also controlling, manipulative, arrogant, domineering, self absorbed, had an inflated sense of self-importance, lacked empathy, had major entitlement issues..all traits fully covered in the DSM-5. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition)
I was naive, hadn’t dated much, and was taken in by his charm and charisma and declarations of love. The few negative traits I did see (jealousy, possessiveness, grandiosity) I misinterpreted as love. Over time other traits that he’d hidden at the beginning began to emerge…a common strategy of abusers. After all, who in their right mind would attach themselves to a psychopath?
After I left him I too went on a spending spree. I bought all the things I and the kids weren’t allowed to have when we lived with him. Small things like soft toilet paper, scented hand soap, paper towels, slippers. The kids were finally allowed to go out, have people over, decorate their rooms any way they wanted. We could watch whatever TV shows and movies we wanted, dress however we wanted to.
I cut my hair. Over time I replaced my small wardrobe of black, gray and brown clothing with colorful items. My daughter I I started dancing…it was forbidden by him. So many things that had been forbidden or not allowed were now within our grasp and it was a dizzying, giddy feeling of release and liberation and we all went a bit wild for a time.
It took many years of therapy, education on the dynamics of abuse, self help, support groups, to overcome the worst of the psychological damage his abuse inflicted, though I still have triggers I’m not sure will ever go away.
I’m not relating any of this for sympathy, but rather to educate, to draw a comparison, to show a more in depth aspect of abuse than the black/white, Boolean logic approach that has been portrayed in the media concerning the Menendez boys.
The effects of systematic abuse on a person are complex and multifaceted no matter what form that abuse takes. Abuse related trauma has profound and long lasting effects on a person’s mental, emotional and physical well being.
I am a survivor of abuse, no longer a victim. It took a long time for me to be able to say that. As a victim, and finally a survicor, I understand what would compel the brothers to do what they did. I don’t condone it, but I do understand it. I stood at the kitchen window while my ex did yard work, and prayed to a God I no longer believed in that he would just drop dead from a heart attack, so yeah, I get their mindset.
I am completely open to any questions you might have about my personal experience in specific or the subject of abuse in general. My intention is to educate and to that end I welcome any queries you have.
I recognise those signs all too well, in the abuse my mother suffered, and ultimately we chidren...
I said what I said and meant it. Everyone else can go on doing their thing.
