The Erosion of the Extended Family & the development of the Nuclear

S

smiley

Senior Member
Location
Australia
I share the following article and thought it well put - I know look back on my own extended family and its final breakdown - and it was and still is very sad causing profound consequences?

the loss of our extended families

As I relax [too much] in my twilight years - I look back and the sadness just increases
 

I was born in the war years and lived closed to other relatives in an extended family network - felt quite normal to me - we socialized and mucked around with our cousins as well as non-relative kids. first lived next door to maternal grandmother and fam and then with paternal grandmother and grandpa and after his death remained with our lonely gran? Everything was cool. The following years after WWII saw hardships and ration books but we all survived until 15 years later. The splits and divisions occurred in many ways and looking back did tear the family asunder. More later when I've calmed down!!
 
I grew up with siblings and tons of cousins. We had family reunions, dinners and parties all of the time. After the parents and other older family passed away, we all drifted apart to other parts of the world. They were the glue that held us together. Now we never stay in contact.

The sad part is that we accept and embrace it now.......... Even more comfortable.
 
I remember the first split which opened the flood gates and the eldest aunty whose daughter was moving away with hubby and two girls - screaming out " but you are tearing the family apart" and of course she was spot on! they were turning their backs on their old extended family existence and really saying "sorry Ma but we want a better life - it could be considered very insulting to your own Ma and Pa?
 
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However as young kids we simple watched the dramas and then continued playing not considering that the same may happen to us. Ma and Pa in their early married life before babies etc had asked Pas parents for a repayable loan to put a deposit on a lovely house in the hinterland of our city with front and back gardens and fresh air and I assume peace and quiet - they were refused on the belief that "they were getting above and beyond themselves?"

They got a similar house much later but never owned it - it was a company house and rent was paid. However when Dads father was getting progressively sicker - they called upon Dad and his family to come and live with them and support his parents. Can you imagine the mixed feelings - emotions and lack of cohesiveness - that didn't much affect us kids but it was simmering all the time!
 
However there were other factors at play my mother was one of eleven kids - two males died in WWII and the rest came home married and moved out - you could say that the extended family structures were falling down and being taken down and us kids like they say about the band ""we just played on" Could it all have been stopped - I doubt it - eleven adult kids and their kith and kin can't live in the small family home with Ma and Pa? Next "life gets back into a dreamy rhythm again" - or was that thunder I heard in the background?
 
smiley said:
Ma and Pa in their early married life before babies etc had asked Pas parents for a repayable loan to put a deposit on a lovely house in the hinterland of our city with front and back gardens and fresh air and I assume peace and quiet - they were refused on the belief that "they were getting above and beyond themselves?"

They got a similar house much later but never owned it - it was a company house and rent was paid. However when Dads father was getting progressively sicker - they called upon Dad and his family to come and live with them and support his parents. Can you imagine the mixed feelings - emotions and lack of cohesiveness - that didn't much affect us kids but it was simmering all the time!
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I was told that the same thing happened when my maternal grandfather built a lovely cottage in town for my grandmother in 1920.

Apparently it caused such jealousy and ill-will that they sold the cottage and moved back to a house they built on the family farm, where everyone still lived. They built the house out of brick and it was considered quite "uppity" of them not to build a wood house.
 
jujube said:
I was told that the same thing happened when my maternal grandfather built a lovely cottage in town for my grandmother in 1920.

Apparently it caused such jealousy and ill-will that they sold the cottage and moved back to a house they built on the family farm, where everyone still lived. They built the house out of brick and it was considered quite "uppity" of them not to build a wood house.
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yes the downside was the clanishness!! - in a way they elderly ones wanted everyone to stay close by but on their terms
 
My wife and me were each a single child and none of us had much relations to uncles, aunts and cousins.

Either didn't we have friends. We miss nothing.
 
Clearly family structure has broken down. The article gives several general reasons why this might be, and it's difficult to argue against them. But before I get upset about it I remind myself that I have very little to do with my own extended family. There is also a lot of rancor. I have no intention of putting effort into fixing it. I've been there are tried that, it didn't work.

I could list why this might be the case for me, but it's important to remember that I came from a solid family base. My mother and father married and had three kids (a fourth was lost in pregnancy) and they remained married for the remainder of their lives (my father has passed, my mother is with us, and 90). So I can't blame divorce, or legal issues etc.

We are certainly moving into an era where the *I* is most important. I think people are more selfish today, they suffer from avarice, and envy. People seem to look for reasons to dislike others, rather than like. Social interaction - especially on the internet - can sometimes become a combat sport. That's a shame, and shows that basic social interaction is breaking down too.

In the context of the article - the number of single parent families in the US has tripled since 1960. It applies to 25% of families today. Needless to say, divorce rates, along with a declining number of marriages to begin with, also affect things. The US has the largest number of single parent families than anywhere else in the world. This is more telling in black communities where in 2023 almost 50% of black births were to single parents (whites are just over 21%).

You can't grow up in a family if you don't start with one.
 
interesting thoughts V - thanks! - I was reading some articles on family life in the Middle East a while back and the disintegration of extended families is beginning to occur over there - at a quick guess I would say that the advances of technologies into everyones hands has significantly contributed to all of this - I wonder whether it is all circular??

Perhaps we copied our family structures from royalty or religion ? - royal families have tried to stick together and had some problems along the way as have religious ones? Where is the first template -in the bible??
 
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I have no doubt that when I am gone my sons will probably rarely if ever visit each other. All living across the country from
each other. I know I am the last drop of glue that holds them (not a brag just fact) I can see the signs clearly.
And yes, it does sadden me and I try not to think of it.
 
It's beginning to feel that families big or small are not intended?/able? to stay connected ??- at least in the western climes. Perhaps not enough studies if any have been done in other tribes of peoples around the world - say eskimos or desert tribes to see what keeps them together or apart - and what part does industrialization play on the bigger scheme of things? The tribes in South America [forests] seem to continue surviving without disintegration. Perhaps its all a feature of modernization and finding work wherever you are able?
 
Yes, it is sad that America has gone this way. I think the necessity of two-income families and the advent of electronic devices are big contributors to this. However, there are still many places like Italy where elders are still valued for their wisdom and extended families still live happily together.
 
seadoug said:
Yes, it is sad that America has gone this way. I think the necessity of two-income families and the advent of electronic devices are big contributors to this. However, there are still many places like Italy where elders are still valued for their wisdom and extended families still live happily together.
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unfortunately seadoug I have been watching docos of almost deserted italian villages in the mountains being sold to europeans and beyond at very reasonable prices as long as they are maintained and occupied??
 
smiley said:
unfortunately seadoug I have been watching docos of almost deserted italian villages in the mountains being sold to europeans and beyond at very reasonable prices as long as they are maintained and occupied??
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There is still hope. This is from AI. Sorry for the awkward structure, but I needed to separate the paragraphs per forum rules.

While the structure of Italian families has changed over time, extended family ties remain very strong and are much more common than in many other Western countries. The traditional Italian family model with many children has evolved, and nuclear families are now most prevalent, but close bonds with wider relatives continue to be a hallmark of Italian culture.
Key factors and trends include:
  • Strong intergenerational support: There is a strong sense of mutual responsibility between generations. Young adults often live at home much longer than their counterparts in other European countries due to economic factors like high unemployment and housing costs. In turn, adult children are expected to care for their aging parents, with nursing homes being a less common and often negatively viewed option.

  • Multigenerational living: Multigenerational households, where grandparents live with their children and grandchildren, are still a frequent and respected living arrangement in Italy. Grandparents often play a central role in childcare, which is common given Italy's lower birth rates and the increased number of mothers working outside the home.

  • Close proximity: Even when they don't live in the same house, extended family members tend to live in close proximity to one another. This allows for frequent social gatherings, especially large Sunday dinners and celebrations, which reinforce family bonds.

  • Shifts and regional variations: While family is still central, some shifts have occurred. The average family size has decreased, single-person and single-parent households are on the rise, and marriage rates have fallen. Furthermore, there are regional differences. Southern Italy tends to have larger households and more traditional family structures compared to the north.

  • Cultural importance: Despite these modern shifts, the family (or famiglia) is still considered the core of Italian society. This cultural emphasis on family often outweighs individualism and can influence everything from career decisions to ethical
 
Just a thought, but I think that there has always been family members that have moved away from where they were raised. Think about the people who came over from Europe to America & didn't go back.

Back in the 1600/1700s, there wasn't any mail service. If any letters made it back, the only chance would have been when a new boat arrived & was going back. Paper & ink I imagine was a rare commodity & you would have had to get someone like the captain to agree to see it made it to where it was intended to go. Same from Europe to the Americas.

Probably the 1800 wasn't much better until later in the century for mail. By then, in some families, many generations would have passed & no may not have remembered or been told where the family was at across the sea. Recently arrived families may have had better contact, but eventually that likely ended.

I think that it seems more prevalent today because we do have phones, mail or e-mail to contact one another that makes it easier. But then, everyone has their own life & reasons for moving or for whatever reason, don't keep in touch.

We still get together at the holidays, but as the kids have grown, some have moved in because that was where the job took them. Even if they are still in the area, a few work at jobs that are 24/7/365. They don't have the opportunity to be off on the holidays because the don't have the seniority for a vacation day or it wasn't on their scheduled day off. I didn't take off on holidays when I was scheduled to work even though I had the seniority to do it. I didn't want someone else to be ordered in early to work or over to cover my shift & take what time they would have had from their family on that holiday.

Even early humans moved around the continents on their own two feet & may very well have left family behind doing it. Before the time people started to sail around the world, I understand that family groups had the opportunity to remain close. But then, I'm sure that family squabbles took place then & people could have decided to not talk to one another & not gather with the rest too.
 
my mother one of eleven kids declined the invitation to attend her eldest sisters funeral - she sent her youngest son as her representative instead! - he had a great time meeting so many unknown family members and getting free booze too!! She was once part of an extended family and finally had the opportunity to shun it - I felt somewhat disgusted!
 
My mother was one of 4 siblings and her father created a competition among them, so even though we all got together for Christmas she wasn't friendly with them. It wasn't until her 70's that she actually started to communicate with her two younger brothers. I think they all knew time was limited and decided to put difference aside.

She was always jealous of her older sister because she was the only one who went to college. My step-grandmother always gossiped to my mother about her sister because I think she, too, was jealous. I always felt a connection with my aunt because she was down-to-earth (not pretentious like my mother) and had a great worldview. She and her husband took an RV around the country when they were in their 50's, so she was the only one I could talk to about travel. When she went into a nursing home my mother never contacted her. She found out she passed away from one of her brothers and never shed a tear. :(

I won't even go into my father's side of the family. He at least remained close to his two brothers. He was the oldest and always looked out for them, even though they were raging alcoholics. They both died before he did at very early ages.

Suffice to say, it is amazing to me how dysfunctional extended families can sometimes be. It made me glad to be an only child.
 
An awful lot of ugliness goes on behind closed doors. Many children have good reasons to walk away from their families of origin and never look back.

The best parents give their children roots and wings.

My siblings and I are scattered across North America - we text and phone periodically, but our families have become the ones we created: our spouses, children and closest friends. I'm in touch with a couple of cousins and see them when I'm in their areas.
 
My mother was an only child and my father had one sibling. I had 3 siblings spaced very far apart age wise, so we were not close. Now, I do have loads of cousins, many of whom I've never met, nor wish to.

I do have several nieces and nephews, with whom I maintain an occasional contact. Also grand nieces and nephews.

My son isn't much interested since he's an only child and his cousins live states away. Basically it is just the two of us now as he and his late wife were childless.
 

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