Trade-off moving away vs being near family

[SueBee]

When I discovered I could afford to buy a home in another state, I jumped at the chance. It was clear to me that living where I had been would have required me to return to work after being retired for a few years. The space rent in the senior mobile park was going up dramatically each year, and the very old, single wide mobile home was needing repairs more and more often. My income is solely social security.

My daughter’s mother in law said to me that my move was a trade-off. She didn’t elaborate but I’m guessing she meant I was trading time with new grandbaby and family for buying a home. Her financial situation affords her to not have such worries, so therefore I know she couldn’t possibly understand. But, it still eats at me four years later. I know I need to let it go, but I don’t know how.

 

[OldOld]

That's why I always believe people should own their home instead of renting. Unless you live in an area with strict rent control, you take the risk of not being able to afford the rent increase, or the landlord/ownership change and the new landlord decides not to renew your rental contract.

 

[Knight]

It was a trade off.

One that gave you peace of mind because you chose to be financially responsible & self reliant, that isn't wrong. You kept control over how you live. Letting go of what was said 4 years ago obviously isn't easy for you. Ask yourself has it really mattered in your day to day living?

A fact of life is you can't control what others say or do, you can only control how you react to that. Take control it's been 4 years, decide that you are going to let go of what your daughters M I L. said.

 

[Oldeagle66]

Matter of personal taste and how people were raised. I know generations of families who all have homes on the same block and always around each other. Some families are happy being split all over the world.

I'm happy being just far enough away where they can't just pop in.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Which is better to live independently with some distance between you or being close and wondering why they don’t make more time for you or assist you with your finances.

Always make an effort to include them in your life and take an active interest in theirs but live your best life and let them live theirs.

 

[bowmore]

When I graduated from college in NY, I headed to California and never looked back. That was in 1958.
I kept in touch with my family by phone and visited occasionally.
My sister and I only now the only ones left, and we talk weekly.

 

[Oldeagle66]

Which is better to live independently with some distance between you or being close and wondering why they don’t make more time for you or assist you with your finances.

Always make an effort to include them in your life and take an active interest in theirs but live your best life and let them live theirs.

Independently with some distance and mind my own business and stay private. Some family members only have THEIR best interests in your life.

 

[OldOld]

Well...my family are in heaven now...I hope to see them soon.

 

[hearlady]

It was a trade off.

One that gave you peace of mind because you chose to be financially responsible & self reliant, that isn't wrong. You kept control over how you live. Letting go of what was said 4 years ago obviously isn't easy for you. Ask yourself has it really mattered in your day to day living?

A fact of life is you can't control what others say or do, you can only control how you react to that. Take control it's been 4 years, decide that you are going to let go of what your daughters M I L. said.

I agee completely with this. One thing though, I am one who has a hard time letting a statement like that gnaw at me so I get that. We just have to listen to good advice on how to let it go.

 

[MACKTEXAS]

I have no immediate family closeby. What extended family I have left lives 200 miles away. We have an amicable relationship, but there is no chance of either them or me "dropping in" on each other. Any visits are planned - mainly out of necessity, since it's a 4 hour drive.

But even when my parents were living, some of those years we lived in the same town, but we didn't drop in on each other unexpectedly. We all preferred knowing in advance when getting together.

I know families that just come and go from each other's homes on the spur of the moment. Maybe had we done things that way in our family, we would have felt closer to each other; don't know - too late to find out now.

I don't think my comments align with the OP situation, but they were my first thoughts when I saw the title of the thread.

 

[IrishEyes]

When you have to sit and worry if you will be living in your car one day because of costs where you were living:
then you darn sure had every right to find a place you could afford and not hope others would be able to help
you out if you needed it. Your self worth means a lot more than a quirky comment, hold your head up, shake it
off and love your new home. Don't allow anyone to take those feelings from you.

I had to move 15 hours away from my son and his family for that very same reason... I know the guilt and I wore it
shortly but having my bills get paid by me and able to afford food as I need feels so much better. Video chats
help immensely!

 

[againstthegrain]

It's not my fault they like CT, VA, DE, and NY and I don't. I earned my way out by doing 30 yrs on the rock pile.

 

[Pepper]

It was a trade off @SueBee. You were in a terrible predicament. If you are content with your decision, that's the only important consideration. My son's in-laws have two homes, not one. Not only that, they have each other. No, she can't understand.

How/why is this (still) important for you, not only now, but ever?

 

[Teacher Terry]

The bottom line is you have to be able to support yourself. When I got divorced, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep our home unless I got roommates which I absolutely did not want. He wanted us to stay in the home as roommates when I told him I wanted a divorce, but that was not agreeable to me.

Because I love northern Nevada so much I decided that I would live in a studio if that’s what it took to stay here. Because rents were so high I knew that I needed to purchase something in order to be able to stay here long-term.

I have lived in five states and I have been here for 28 years and my oldest son and his wife live here and I have many deep friendships with people that will do anything for me. I also love the weather and the beauty of northern Nevada, so I didn’t want to leave.

Luckily, once I decided to price condos, I found that if I lived in the middle of the road complex price wise, and not a real fancy one that I could afford a small two bedroom, which is what I bought.

I do know someone that moved away from family because it was very important for her to own a home and have a garden and she couldn’t afford to do that here. At this stage of life, we all need to make the choices that will make us personally the happiest, and that will be different for all of us.

When people make nasty comments that upset me, I to find it hard to let it go. I may find myself getting upset about it years later. I’ve been trying to break that negative aspect of my personality.

 

[Wombat]

My daughter lives 250km away (however she has been working in Singapore for the last 3 months), my youngest son lives in Darwin - about 4000km, my middle son is in the navy and currently in PNG but he has a flat in Sydney 90km away and a house in Canberra 250km away. My brother lives in the UK 15000km away.

So we are pretty spread out. I get to see my kids pretty often, my brother, not so much, however we chat on the phone a lot.

Don't find the distance a great inconvenience.

 

[LoveTulips]

Well unless your daughter's mother in law was going to take care of you financially, I'd tell her to mind her own business.

 

[That Lady in PA]

It was a trade off.

One that gave you peace of mind because you chose to be financially responsible & self reliant, that isn't wrong. You kept control over how you live. Letting go of what was said 4 years ago obviously isn't easy for you. Ask yourself has it really mattered in your day to day living?

A fact of life is you can't control what others say or do, you can only control how you react to that. Take control it's been 4 years, decide that you are going to let go of what your daughters M I L. said.

This!
Seriously... it WAS a tradeoff so don't allow her comment to that effect to haunt you another day.
You made your choice, and it was a good one for you.
Don't let this occupy your mind .

 

[Jules]

My daughter’s mother in law said to me that my move was a trade-off.

She probably doesn’t even remember she said it.

You did the right thing for you. Let it go.

 

[SueBee]

When you have to sit and worry if you will be living in your car one day because of costs where you were living:
then you darn sure had every right to find a place you could afford and not hope others would be able to help
you out if you needed it. Your self worth means a lot more than a quirky comment, hold your head up, shake it
off and love your new home. Don't allow anyone to take those feelings from you.

I had to move 15 hours away from my son and his family for that very same reason... I know the guilt and I wore it
shortly but having my bills get paid by me and able to afford food as I need feels so much better. Video chats
help immensely!

Thank you for this.

 

[SueBee]

It was a trade off @SueBee. You were in a terrible predicament. If you are content with your decision, that's the only important consideration. My son's in-laws have two homes, not one. Not only that, they have each other. No, she can't understand.

How/why is this (still) important for you, not only now, but ever?

It really hits when I see pictures of her with my grandkids (4.5 year old and 5 month old baby) knowing that I’m not able to build that same kind of relationship with them. Thank goodness for video chat, and I do talk on the phone with the older one several times a week, plus my daughter nearly daily.

I’ve tried to get them to move to my area where they could easily afford to buy a nice big house (hubby works at home so could relocate) but they seem stuck on inaction. They rent a duplex from his mom who charges them a fraction of what she could get on the open market… I say she’s subsidizing their rent as a control to keep them there, but I keep that thought to myself. She is a rather controlling person, but that’s neither here nor there.

 

[Timewise 60+]

Over our lifetime we only 'moved' for job opportunities! Each move was exciting because of a 'new job opportunity' and the fun of finding a new home or place to live. Over our lifetime, we are now retired, we moved three times. All were exciting and filled with good times, hard work, and a little pure fun mixed in. "It's been a good life after all!"

 

[IrishEyes]

@SueBee I say she’s subsidizing their rent as a control to keep them there, but I keep that thought to myself.
There will come a day when they want to do something on their own and if that is the case on her part, it will blow up in her face.
Sooner or later we want to owe nothing to other people and having that cloud of owing something to someone and they choose your life, your spending, how you raise your children is never good.
The hardest part of being a parent is to turn loose, but we all should especially the day our children marry.
I used to hurt too viewing photos my my grands with the others there with them, but when (like you) I get them on the phone
to them at that time there is no one else but me and that keeps me feeling good.
That love shared on the phone is not faked, it is real and not taken for granted. I really bet you are getting the sweetest part of
their love in the most honest way possible.
Hang in there SueBee, it will get easier and never loose it's sweetness.

 

[SueBee]

Over our lifetime we only 'moved' for job opportunities! Each move was exciting because of a 'new job opportunity' and the fun of finding a new home or place to live. Over our lifetime, we are now retired, we moved three times. All were exciting and filled with good times, hard work, and a little pure fun mixed in. "It's been a good life after all!"

I’m currently living at address #37, mostly California, but also including various places in Europe. I intend for #37 to be my last! No, nobody was in military, just circumstances of life. Lots of adventures!

 

[C50]

Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest and most painful. Ending a marriage, not enabeling bad decisions of those we love, and of course moving away from family and the life we know. We do the best we can, the daughters MIL has no right to judge you, if she had an ounce of empathy she would sympathize with you knowing how difficult the moving decision was. I'm sorry you need to deal with this issue.

 

[SueBee]

Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest and most painful. Ending a marriage, not enabeling bad decisions of those we love, and of course moving away from family and the life we know. We do the best we can, the daughters MIL has no right to judge you, if she had an ounce of empathy she would sympathize with you knowing how difficult the moving decision was. I'm sorry you need to deal with this issue.

Thank you.