Guilt

[submarinepilot]

hi everyone. My first time here. just learning the ropes. My wife of 40 years passed away this year. I expected to be sad and all that. Something I was surprised about was guilt. I should have taken her out more often, been more generous, went on more trips.....that kind of thing. I'm guessing this is common...when should I expect the guilt to ease up?

 

[Pinky]

Welcome to the forum @submarinepilot

Condolences on your wife's passing .. I think that it's most likely very common to feel the way you do, as you have said. When those thoughts appear, try to think of all the things you did together that you both enjoyed.

 

[hollydolly]

Condolensces on the death of your wife... may she R.I.P

What country are you in ?

 

[IrishEyes]

Welcome submarinepilot! Condolences on your wife's passing.
I hope you find friends and interesting topics to enjoy here.

 

[Paco Dennis]

 

[Lewkat]

Welcome, submarine pilot. Condolences on the loss of your wife. This month it will be 7 years since my daughter-in-law passed away, and my son still isn't over it all. But, I encouraged him to join a bereavement group, and he now is a bereavement counselor. That, alone, has been very cathartic for him and his groups love him. Everyone has his or her own timeline in getting beyond the guilt and whatever else feelings. Be patient and think of the good times you did have together. Stay with us and we'll help you out.

 

[StillLearning]

Welcome!
It’s coming up on 1 year since my husband passed. I’m more at peace or acceptance now. For me when those thoughts of guilt or should haves come to mind, I remind myself that the story has been told and the chapter has been written. There’s no going back. We are usually hardest on ourselves. Give yourself grace and like Pinky said earlier, think of good times.

 

[Della]

Welcome Submarinepilot! You'll find lots of regretful and guilt ridden people here. I wasn't nice enough to my mother while she was alive (to name one guilt) and I regret the hundred or so bad choices in my life. My sleepless nights are made up of fantasies where I do better.


I do try to remind myself that if I had done something different the results might have been just as bad or worse.

 

[Muskrat]

Welcome…many years of marriage are a sign of success….not failure. We all have better vision looking back rather than forward. Live well and be kind…

 

[feywon]

Welcome. Condolences. Agree with most of the advice above.
Moving on is often a matter of taking one step at time. (Facing and accepting feelings but eventually putting less emphasis on the negative ones and living your best life with what you have.

Explore SF has something for everyone i think. Many of show up on several of the subject related forums, a few concentrate on just one or two. Some of us disappear for days, weeks, months than resurface. Participate in ways that fit your interests and nature.

 

[Ruthanne]

Hi. I agree with what the others have said. I know it's very rough going through grief and guilt. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[hawkdon]

Welcome aboard submarinepilot...time does help in this
situation....so c'mon in......

 

[MACKTEXAS]

I feel for what you're going through. For what it's worth, feelings of guilt are common after such a loss. I was caregiver for my wife during her final days, and experienced it myself. We aren't perfect people, but as as long as we did the best we could, that's all we could do. In time, these feelings will pass.

 

[RadishRose]

Please accept my condolences.

 

[DailyArtsyCrafter]

Yes, the guilt is common like the ongoing pain that feels like it will never abate. I have never lost a spouse but other loved ones. For guilt, the easing of it can have three parts:

• Time, which lessens the feeling
• Acceptance, where you recognize that it will continue to arise
• Assertiveness, where you begin to confidently subdue it whenever it arises

The timing of the assertiveness phase is highly personal. Only you will know when it's time.

 

[jujube]

Condolences, Submarinepilot. Unfortunately, grief and guilt can be tightly twined and hard to un-do. I think a lot of us have a measure of shoulda-coulda-woulda's when it comes to our lost love ones.

 

[smiley]

Regrets - Frankie S

 

[gruntlabor]

Welcome, submarinepilot, from Alaska
Sincere condolences on the death of your wife.

 

[Medusa]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Babs2u]

hi everyone. My first time here. just learning the ropes. My wife of 40 years passed away this year. I expected to be sad and all that. Something I was surprised about was guilt. I should have taken her out more often, been more generous, went on more trips.....that kind of thing. I'm guessing this is common...when should I expect the guilt to ease up?

Welcome! Sorry for your loss. Thanks for mentioning guilt. Sometimes we feel we are alone and the only ones experiencing guilt or regret. Knowing it is common helps us all.

 

[hearlady]

 

[bowmore]

My condolences on your loss. I am also a widower.

 

[Tish]

hi everyone. My first time here. just learning the ropes. My wife of 40 years passed away this year. I expected to be sad and all that. Something I was surprised about was guilt. I should have taken her out more often, been more generous, went on more trips.....that kind of thing. I'm guessing this is common...when should I expect the guilt to ease up?

When you can accept that you did all that was in your power to do.
You can't change the past; all you can do is learn from it.

 

[bowmore]

Dear Subpilot,
I was active in a grief recovery group. One of our mantras was that the "woulda, shoulda, couldas" can drive you nuts. Look forward.
Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long enough time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above.

 

[Naturally]

Welcome