Friend who will not tell me she has cancer.

GAlady

GAlady

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia USA
I live in an Assisted Living that has around 70 residents. I have what I thought was a good friend here that I have known for 4 years. All the residents are like family.

My friend told me about a week ago she was going in the hospital and not to say anything to anyone. I respected her wishes. I called her every day when she was in the hospital. She had been home 3 days now and have been around her most of the time. I came to lunch today and two of my friends tell me that Harriet told them she has cancer. I was floored to say the least. Harriet is in her right mind, sharp as a tack. I am really hurt that she had not told me since I am suppose to be one of her best friends.

I need input and help to understand why she had not told me.
 

She most probably did not want to worry you. She also might not want to talk about it too much, she might feel scared about her condition. Don't take it too personally. Be there for her without asking questions. She will talk to you when she is ready. 🤗
 

Sometimes it is very hard to tell the people that you love, the people that are closes to you.

She may could not have been able to tell you face to face. She is already frightened, fearful......To see the look in your eyes......the fear, the pain and anguish. She told the others so you would know thru them, to let you have time to gather your thoughts.

She is afraid of losing you. It does happen, people can distance themselves because they don't know what to say, what to do. A true friend will stand by, ready to listen, ready to comfort, even if it is only sitting side by side.
 
GAlady said:
I live in an Assisted Living that has around 70 residents. I have what I thought was a good friend here that I have known for 4 years. All the residents are like family.

My friend told me about a week ago she was going in the hospital and not to say anything to anyone. I respected her wishes. I called her every day when she was in the hospital. She had been home 3 days now and have been around her most of the time. I came to lunch today and two of my friends tell me that Harriet told them she has cancer. I was floored to say the least. Harriet is in her right mind, sharp as a tack. I am really hurt that she had not told me since I am suppose to be one of her best friends.

I need input and help to understand why she had not told me.
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Yikes. At the end of the day, I don't think is about her, it's more about you.

You are making negative assumptions. For example, perhaps she doesn't tell you because she knows you're sensitive and/or vulnerable and doesn't want to upset you? Be it right or wrong, she's just trying to make things for the best.

This is also very personal news, and there is no obligation to tell anyone, least of all EVERYONE. If ever she needed personal time and thoughts, surely it's now. Would knowing it from her mouth make a difference to anything? If so, what are you looking for?
 
I had a few friends that died with cancer. Only 1 told me he had it. I understand they want their privacy and don’t want to be a burden to their friend by making them feel they have to visit them often. They may also be afraid and don’t want to show it, or be patronized.
 
Sometimes its harder to reveal things to people we love and like the most. Some can find an overwhelming vulnerability in just that, especially when when trying to mentally process something new in their own minds. In this type of situation with a good friend, the only thing in my mind would be, what conflicts of thought my she be going through, and how I might be able to put my good friend at ease.


Even good friends need to process things in their own way. Opening up to a loved one has difference challenges than with a stranger or acquaintance. My quiet thoughts with a loved one or a very good and close friend would be,“in your own time”

If she was to tel me later, I wouldn't then even ask her why she didn't tell me sooner. Why put that pressure on her.
 
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A former neighbor in my hometown was in her 80s as the oldest of her two daughters got a brain tumor at age 60.

This daughter did not allow anyone to tell her mother that she had incurable cancer.

Her mother only got this news by reading the obituary notice after her funeral.
It was too much for her and she died only some months later.
 
Blessed said:
Sometimes it is very hard to tell the people that you love, the people that are closes to you.

She may could not have been able to tell you face to face. She is already frightened, fearful......To see the look in your eyes......the fear, the pain and anguish. She told the others so you would know thru them, to let you have time to gather your thoughts.
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I have done this. Some times some things are too emotional to tell someone you love immediately, and therefore too emotional to handle too soon. When you are trying to find some internal strengthof your own first.
 
My mother would not tell anyone either, and we had to swear on a Bible not do so either. She did not want anyone feeling sorry for her or fluttering about. It was difficult to honor that and to this day there are family members and friends who will not speak to me for having kept my promise to her. So be it.
 
VaughanJB said:
Yikes. At the end of the day, I don't think is about her, it's more about you.

You are making negative assumptions. For example, perhaps she doesn't tell you because she knows you're sensitive and/or vulnerable and doesn't want to upset you? Be it right or wrong, she's just trying to make things for the best.

This is also very personal news, and there is no obligation to tell anyone, least of all EVERYONE. If ever she needed personal time and thoughts, surely it's now. Would knowing it from her mouth make a difference to anything? If so, what are you looking for?
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I don’t want it to be about me. I just don’t understand why she is telling people that she doesn’t even like. It is embarrassing to have people come up to me asking about Harriet and I am in the dark.
 
GAlady said:
I don’t want it to be about me. I just don’t understand why she is telling people that she doesn’t even like. It is embarrassing to have people come up to me asking about Harriet and I am in the dark.
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Flip it on its head. If she's telling people she doesn't care about, she might well be telegraphing that she doesn't care what they think or know. Whereas with those close to her, she cherishes and respects their emotional state.
 
or it just happened to come up in conversation with them and it spilled out or they had something in common so she wanted to talk about it with them or she is starting to let people know and they happened to be first ones she told or it is easier t o tell people you are not so close to as others have pointed out (the same reason people might share things in online support groups or ring helplines)

I think you are reading too much into this - it is really her issue and decision for whatever reason and whilst you might (unfairly IMO) feel hurt or embarrassed about it, it really isnt about you, imagine how she is feeling about the whole diagnosis, treatment etc.

If people ask you about her, just say honestly what you know and what she is happy for you t o share - or say you don't know. I'm not sure why that is embarrassing?
 
GAlady said:
I live in an Assisted Living that has around 70 residents. I have what I thought was a good friend here that I have known for 4 years. All the residents are like family.

My friend told me about a week ago she was going in the hospital and not to say anything to anyone. I respected her wishes. I called her every day when she was in the hospital. She had been home 3 days now and have been around her most of the time. I came to lunch today and two of my friends tell me that Harriet told them she has cancer. I was floored to say the least. Harriet is in her right mind, sharp as a tack. I am really hurt that she had not told me since I am suppose to be one of her best friends.

I need input and help to understand why she had not told me.
Click to expand...
I think Harriet is trying to come to terms with her diagnosis, she may initially have decided not to tell anyone and, in the moment, just needed to confide in someone.

No doubt, when you think about it, you will see that any upset about who was told first and why, just doesn't matter. Your friend needs all the care and support she can get.

I hope Harriet's cancer is treatable and she has a good recovery.
 
January said:
I think you are reading too much into this - it is really her issue and decision for whatever reason and whilst you might (unfairly IMO) feel hurt or embarrassed about it, it really isnt about you, imagine how she is feeling about the whole diagnosis, treatment etc.

If people ask you about her, just say honestly what you know and what she is happy for you t o share - or say you don't know. I'm not sure why that is embarrassing?
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All this.
It is not about you.
And you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

And, it doesn't matter who knows first... geez.
Please don't mention this to her, and give her all the support you can muster. She will need it!
 
I agree with others that she is probably still trying to process this herself. Having said that, it is often those with cancer who reveal it to others and have a support system that survive it. My SIL was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023 and shared the diagnosis with her closest family members/friends. We were all there for her and I truly think the love and support helped her get through it.

From AI:

Yes, having a support system significantly helps with cancer by improving emotional well-being, aiding in coping, and potentially enhancing treatment outcomes. Support can come from family, friends, support groups, and the medical care team and provides emotional connection, reassurance, and guidance through the physical and emotional challenges of cancer.

How a support system helps:

Improves emotional and mental health: A cancer diagnosis can be one of the most traumatic events a person faces, leading to fear, anxiety, and depression. A support system provides an outlet for these feelings and can help individuals cope with the emotional impact of the disease and treatment.

Offers practical and emotional guidance: Support systems can provide guidance, reassurance, and motivation. They can help with the stress of making treatment decisions, managing symptoms, and dealing with financial worries.

Enhances psychological adjustment: Studies show a positive link between perceived social support and better psychological adjustment after cancer treatment. This includes coping with the changes and side effects of treatment and learning to live with the experience.

Provides a sense of community: Support groups, whether online or in-person, allow individuals to connect with others who have similar experiences. This can be a safe and comfortable space to ask questions, share concerns, and feel less alone.

Can improve physical well-being: Some support services, like exercise and nutrition programs, are specifically designed to help patients manage physical side effects like fatigue and loss of appetite.

May be linked to improved survival: Research suggests a link between mental health treatment, which is part of a supportive care plan, and improved cancer survival rates.
 
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