Bobw235
Senior Member
- Location
- Massachusetts
Some of you will no doubt recall that I have detailed in at least one previous thread the difficult situation that my wife and I have with our daughter-in-law. She and our son live in England, and sadly their relationship has crumbled over the past several years, due in large part to anxiety and depression that our DIL has been reluctant to treat. She is fearful that seeking treatment will ultimately jeopardize her career once she graduates from a university course of study. The situation was made worse recently when our DIL's primary care physician became involved, due to our son expressing his concerns about her mental state, worried that she was sinking lower by not seeking help. The DIL saw this as a betrayal and lashed out in a disturbing way. She has threatened that she might "hit him while he sleeps", frame him in such a way that he will lose custody rights when they ultimately split up (they have both agreed that divorce is a reality down the road), threatened to kick him out of the house (which she has title to), etc. While I've never seen our DIL's angry rages in person, our son has described them over the years in enough detail that we get the impression she can quickly lose control. She has broken things in anger and is quick to lash out and make threats. She lives in a constant state of fear that our son desires to take the children from her and flee to America. Nothing could be further from the truth and he's tried to convince her of this over the years. She is by all accounts a very devoted mother to our grandchildren. She lives for their happiness and development, and much of her emotional pain has been caused by anxiety over her mistaken belief that she did something during her pregnancy that has led to a physical problem with our grandson. (Doctors have assured her that he's fine and she did nothing wrong.)
Our son is presently the sole provider while his wife has chosen to take a year off from university to spend more time with their daughter before she begins school next year. Money is tight, but our son's salary covers their expenses. The DIL doesn't work. We are sure they will split up once she finishes her degree (one year left) and gets a job, but that's at least 2-3 years down the road. In the interim we've advised our son to document everything. We've told him to keep a journal with dates and times. He's gone so far as to secretly record on his iPod, two of their recent encounters, including the one where she spelled out how she'd frame him. He's sent these recordings to his best friend here in the states for safe keeping. While we don't think there has been physical abuse towards our son, it seems clear that our DIL is an emotionally abusive person who uses threats and intimidation to get what she wants from our son.
The other day my wife expressed a desire to give our son enough money to allow him to move out of the house and get set up on his own. I have reservations about this. It would be a costly, long term financial commitment on our part. He has very little to call his own at this stage in his life. I am hesitant to inject ourselves into this situation with my son and his wife anymore than we have already.
I don't know what the right thing is here. We have quite a bit saved up for retirement and my wife will likely receive a substantial inheritance when her mom passes away. My wife said to me the other day, would I feel differently if our child was the female in the relationship, and it did give me pause. I'll admit, it did make me look at this in a different light.
So, all of this is a way of soliciting the collective wisdom of the folks on this forum. If you had the financial means to help your son in a situation like this, would you do it? Is it wrong to interfere in the life of your adult child? Should gender be a factor in this decision? All of this is weighing heavily on my mind in the past few days. As always, I value your thoughts and opinions here.
Our son is presently the sole provider while his wife has chosen to take a year off from university to spend more time with their daughter before she begins school next year. Money is tight, but our son's salary covers their expenses. The DIL doesn't work. We are sure they will split up once she finishes her degree (one year left) and gets a job, but that's at least 2-3 years down the road. In the interim we've advised our son to document everything. We've told him to keep a journal with dates and times. He's gone so far as to secretly record on his iPod, two of their recent encounters, including the one where she spelled out how she'd frame him. He's sent these recordings to his best friend here in the states for safe keeping. While we don't think there has been physical abuse towards our son, it seems clear that our DIL is an emotionally abusive person who uses threats and intimidation to get what she wants from our son.
The other day my wife expressed a desire to give our son enough money to allow him to move out of the house and get set up on his own. I have reservations about this. It would be a costly, long term financial commitment on our part. He has very little to call his own at this stage in his life. I am hesitant to inject ourselves into this situation with my son and his wife anymore than we have already.
I don't know what the right thing is here. We have quite a bit saved up for retirement and my wife will likely receive a substantial inheritance when her mom passes away. My wife said to me the other day, would I feel differently if our child was the female in the relationship, and it did give me pause. I'll admit, it did make me look at this in a different light.
So, all of this is a way of soliciting the collective wisdom of the folks on this forum. If you had the financial means to help your son in a situation like this, would you do it? Is it wrong to interfere in the life of your adult child? Should gender be a factor in this decision? All of this is weighing heavily on my mind in the past few days. As always, I value your thoughts and opinions here.
