I hate helping family

ronk

ronk

Member
I got suckered again. I was visiting my brother when a physical therapist came over for an initial interview. She asked questions like whether I'd be available to help my brother etc.
I watched him struggle to walk around the room, using a cane. I started thinking he needed help doing research, getting things to help him with mobility, etc. I spent several hours getting links, emailing him, printing out stuff, etc.
I struggled to put it all together this morning and rushed down to show him what I'd done. He didn't like most of it.
Don't tell me I was wrong to do this stuff. This was a response to his numerous complaints about his various problems & needs. It's a response to the fact that he seemed unable to help himself.
Unfortunately, this has happened too many times before. (Computers and tech assistance are another example.) I'm done with this.
I've helped hundreds of people over the years with various things. I've always known how to relate properly with the people involved. The overwhelming majority has appreciated my insights and concern.
I need to take care of a few personal things of my own. Then I'll see if I can volunteer my services at the local Senior Center.
 

Is he unable or unwilling to help himself? I have worked with people with disabilities as a support person for over 30 years. People with various levels of dependence on others. Now my husband and I both are starting to have mobility and other issues. With my husband, I see an unwillingness to participate in his own care, especially if he can get someone else to do it for him. He has issues with walking long distances. His doctor said he needs to move more, to build up strength in his legs. He would rather just sit and moan.
For myself, I do not mind doing the research work, if he is willing to cooperate. If people are willing to be an active part of their treatment I think it becomes an easier task to get them to do what is expected of them. Honing in on what assets they do have, may work wonders. I work presently with a lady who sometimes seems to "forget" how to think for her self. I made up a sign, which is over her computer which simply says "Think it Through". Making things seem as if they are the person's idea works wonders.
I am not sure if I am addressing your dilemma, but am willing to try, if you need help
 
I think it is much easier to help a stranger than it is family. Not even you are fully aware of what issues deep inside you affect your behavior with your brother.

Where you would have no trouble exhibiting the patience required in a paid position, your subconscious preconceived notions about your brothers abilities and desires right or wrong may retard that patience.

It is also very easy for him to fall into the "Woe is me" trap. With his disabilities he probably feels impotent,and therefore is more sensitive to imagined slights.

You need not to make his problems yours. Do what you feel is proper and if you are rebuffed try again another day. At some point you may have to shrug your shoulders and wish him well.
 

It sounds like your brother is a little hard to please, if he was appreciative, would you feel the same way? That's too bad. Have you ever come right out and told him? "Bro. I am unable to please you, you need to find someone else to assist you." Just point blank When people are unwilling to do anything to help themselves then complain, maybe he needs assisted living or a nursing home. That should get him thinking. Seniors need tough love too, sometimes.
 
Ron, I'm there with a couple people in my family too. My sister in particular would ask me for help or advice at least once a week, and then give me a long list of reasons why my suggestions wouldn't work for her. I'd ask "Well what exactly do you need?" and she'd say "I dunno, that's why I called you!" and we'd go round and round.

I finally stopped trying and she finally stopped asking, and ahhh...the peace.
 
When I became disabled, I wasn't the friendliest person on the earth. First, I had a "back" problem. You wouldn't believe how many of my friends thought I was faking it just to get on disability. I was in great pain, but how do you prove to others that you are in great pain. Again I was faking it. I had trouble getting out of the chair and going to the bathroom; and some idiot therapist came up with a plan to walk, at least, 5 miles/day. People treated me like I was a two year old- "How are WE doing today?" There's not enough room here to tell you how angry I was with the rest of the world. Your brother may be the same or he's a d...k. Either way you can't unbrother him. And you don't have to put up with him, either. The choice is yours. You, too, get to make the rules.
 
Yeah, you're right. He invited me over yesterday, and said, for the millionth time: "I almost died." (That was several years ago.) I told him he needed to stop milking that routine.
 
ronknights said:
Yeah, you're right. He invited me over yesterday, and said, for the millionth time: "I almost died." (That was several years ago.) I told him he needed to stop milking that routine.
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lol! When someone is sucking the life out of you, blood-related or not, a little tough love is called for, imo.
 
Sometimes people get resentful when we help them because they hate being the least bit dependent on anyone. So they take it out on us. Don't know if that makes sense but that's what I have experienced.
 

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