Funeral Attendance - When you do or don't

James

James

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Location
Canada eh
Families are complex beasts so I thought I would put this out for comments.

Recently a very distant Aunt passed (my father's sister). The last contact I had with her was probably about 50 years ago, this is about the same with all of that side of the family. I decided not to go. My Father was fine with this.

A couple of months after this a cousin on this side lost his wife. I never met her or their kids (who are now in their 30's) and the last time I saw my cousin was at my Grandmother's funeral almost 40 yrs ago. Again, I decided not to attend.

As with a lot of families we were closer to one side (my mother's) than the other. Unfortunate but that's just the way it worked out. The one side are basically strangers.

Recently one of my distant cousins expressed his displeasure over my non attendance.

Frankly I don't really care as I don't expect to see or hear from him for the rest of my life, except possibly at the funeral of my parents, should they have one. (They all live in the same area while I reside about 5 hours away and moved away from that area 38 years ago)

Besides, this is the same side that we didn't hear squat from when 2 of my children were fighting for their lives in an ICU when they were toddlers. Nor did we hear squat when I was seriously injured in a traffic collision. Nor did we hear squat from them when my parents were fighting serious illnesses, even though they live in the same area. These examples applied to all aunts, uncles & cousins from "that side".

The way that I see it is if you didnt bother with someone in life, why would you bother with them in death, and I'm fine with that both ways.

Blood isn't always thicker than water.

Thoughts?
 

I totally agree with you...we have the same thing..my mothers' brothers and sisters, and all our aunts, uncles and cousins on the maternal side have stayed in the same area all their lives...in a different country to me as well . They barely had anything to do with us, including my mother when my mother was alive and absolutely nothing since my mother died when I was a Teen when they attended her funeral but didn't speak to any of us except to ask for a copy of the death certificate for insurance purposes ...they wouldn't know me or my siblings or our children from a hole in the wall after over 40 years... so there's no way I would attend any of their funerals, they are complete strangers to me...
 

At my mom's funeral, most of the people there didn't know her, but they went to support their friend--whether personal friends or co-workers.

As far as geographical distance, that would be different and would really depend on how strong (or not) are the relationships.
 
No memorial service for me. I would like a living wake, if possible. One last party to celebrate my life. My son asked if I was up to it, could I do the cooking/baking? Loll. I think he is hoping for a freezer full.
 
I've told my family no funeral or viewing/visitation. Cremation and then the immediate family, my wife/children can dump them in a spot I have picked out in a nearby bush. No fuss no muss.
 
One thing about making a good-to-descent salary on a job, money is saved. I didn't make that good of salary, so........I couldn't save much. I financially wasn't able to go to either my step-mom or step-dad's funerals. Wife and I weren't financially able to fly to her mom's funeral or her BIL's. Even if we would've had the money, I seriously doubt if we would have gone. We just aren't "funeral" people.
 
I see nothing wrong with you not attending, James, especially when you hadn't had contact with them in years. People should mind their own business and not worry who is in attendance & who is not, that is not why they are there.

My father used to say the same thing you just said about if they don't bother visiting you when they are alive then why bother when you are dying or dead. When he was dying and then passed away, we honored those wishes.

Also, totally agree " blood isn't always thicker than water". Sometimes family members can be the most judgemental and uncompassionate people when it should be the opposite.....you would think.
 
If people don't interact with me when I'm alive, I don't want them to attend my funeral.
Personally, I attend when I know someone, or occasionally to support a close friend when a family member passes.
I would not take any notice of the person who made a comment to James (who started this thread) expecting
him to attend funerals of people who have ignored him throughout the years.
 
I agree James.

No services for me, a direct cremation and right into the family plot!

When-I-die-dont-come-to-my-grave-to-tell-me.jpg
 
The few funerals I have been to (a long time ago) I got the impression people just went as a social occasion, to see and meet other people. They laugh and tell jokes, even out loud. To me that is disrespect. My daughter thinks they're 'celebrating their life'. My mother used to tell me no one will come to MY funeral. I told her and my daughter that I don't want one. Just the immediate family to view, cremation, and dump me somewhere pretty. No funeral or memorial and tell people about my passing long after and matter-of-factly.
 
A couple rules which should, imo, be followed re: funeral attendance:

Don’t use the funeral as an opportunity to see/talk to an old flame (whether s/he is single or not) OR to see how well/poorly someone else has aged.

Don’t use the funeral as the opportunity to chastise anyone – about anything OR to air grievances about the deceased.

I know of cases where the above things have happened. Incredible. Just boggles the mind. ​
 
I do not attend funerals, and don't plan to be at my own! I am opposed to the concept of "closure," as I prefer to remember the relative/friend as he/she was in life, not as some morbid display of a waxy looking corpse. This might have something to do with being led up to my grandfather's coffin, at the tender age of five, and being told to look at how peaceful he looked. Ghastly, horrible, NEVER to be repeated, ever! I hate the funeral industry, as well. Blood sucking (literally) leeches who hide behind their faked sincerity and crocodile tears.
 
My Parents went to get a price from one of our local funeral homes. My jaw dropped when they told me the price. Cremation, small family service, burial in a plot (that they already own)...$7000.00 EACH. Just ridiculous. That solidified my decision to be cremated, no service and dumped in a bush. Must be the cheap Scottsman in me coming out.
 
Has the criticizing cousin ever offered to help when you or your parents needed someone? Yeah, that's what I thought.

We have a couple of very low price cremation services in town. Regular funeral homes like to get you to buy all of the accoutrements, like a coffin for them to burn, viewing hours, burial and the works. No need for any of that.
 
A dear friend of ours passed away 7 months ago ,it cost his wife $300 on top of the price of the $9.000 funeral/ creamation to feed the people who turned up .
The people he and his wife had the most contact with over the years didn’t even bother turning up ...( he and his wife were Ballroom dancers for many years ) .most of the people who attended were greedy ( in my eyes ) church “friends” who I seen grabbing food and putting it in plastic bags they’d obiviously bought with them, then going back to,the table to grab more to eat there and then .

I’m not bashing church going people I’m just stating a fact of what I witnessed .
 
Costco sells coffins in Australia ,they don’t have them in the South Australian store as yet but I seen them in the Costco flyer
 
Kadee46 said:
A dear friend of ours passed away 7 months ago ,it cost his wife $300 on top of the price of the $9.000 funeral/ creamation to feed the people who turned up .
The people he and his wife had the most contact with over the years didn’t even bother turning up ...( he and his wife were Ballroom dancers for many years ) .most of the people who attended were greedy ( in my eyes ) church “friends” who I seen grabbing food and putting it in plastic bags they’d obiviously bought with them, then going back to,the table to grab more to eat there and then .

I’m not bashing church going people I’m just stating a fact of what I witnessed .
Click to expand...

I've heard of Wedding crashers so Funeral crashers wouldn't surprise me in the least.
 
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