If someone invites you to dinner/lunch, do you expect them to pay?

applecruncher

applecruncher

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Location
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This isn't as much of a hot potato as 'tipping', but still good for discussion/debate.

First of all, I'm not talking about dating/romantic situations.

However...

If someone invites me to dinner they are asking for my company/time. I know to take money so I can pay for my own meal. If they say "my treat" it means they're offering to pay to celebrate a birthday or return a favor or something like that - or just to be nice. In such cases I offer to take care of the tip.

If I invite someone to go out to eat, if I'm going to pay, I make it clear upfront.

When I ask someone to dinner/lunch, or suggest we try XYZ restaurant it means I'm simply asking if they want to go, I'm not offering to pay. (I might later offer to take care of the check, particularly if they've treated me at some point in the past, but that's not a given.) I used to have a tightwad friend who thought differently then looked confused when the server asked and I would say separate checks. (She made a good salary, drove a new car, always had money for herself....she was not hurting financially.) For many reasons she's no longer a friend.

Some people feel the person who initiates the invitation or suggestion should be the one to pay and the other person should not be put on the spot to pay for their own meal? I disagree.

Thoughts?
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Unless someone says it's their treat or I say so then I assume that we each pay for our own meal regardless who initiates the dinner or lunch.
 
I was brought up to always have money enough with me to cover my own expenses and find my own way home.

If someone says let me take you out to dinner for your birthday, my treat, etc... I assume that they will pick up the tab.

If someone says hey why don't we go out tonight and try that new place or it's too hot to cook why don't we go out then I assume that we will each pay for our own meal.

I get annoyed and decline dinner invitations with one person that always has a diners club coupon. They insist that the free dinner coupon covers their portion of the check and tip, it never does. I ignore/decline invitations to go out to dinner with that person.
 
I always get the paying part settled right off the bat. I like to pay my own way and I don't go for the ,my treat business. It leaves me feeling obligated to ask whoever it was out again so I can treat. I also don't like splitting a bill or I buy then you buy. I ask for a separate check and leave a tip for my dinner only. This way I don't feel obligated or feel guilty if I can't reciprocate in a timely manner. I also can order whatever I please and not think to myself maybe I shouldn't order that because the person treating will think it is to expensive, so I'll just have a bowl of soup and a cup of coffee, but what I really want is the T bone steak.
 
I'll be prepared either way, but back in the olden days, my other taught me that the person who does the inviting pays- UNLESS it's agreed that each pay his own way beforehand.
 
Like Radish Rose, my parents also taught that the person doing the inviting pays. However the invitations I get nowadays are from close friends and are more of a "let's meet for lunch" than an actual invitation. In this situation we each pay for our own food. Exception would be if we are treating one another for a birthday or special occasion.
 
I was also taught , the Asker pays the bill , but I'd still offer to pay it all , or just split it. If it was an expensive place, I'd definitely insist we each pay our own.
I'm sure we'd work it out . A food bill isn't something I'd risk losing a friendship over.
 
I don't like to go to dinner with people who insist on paying. I feel better paying for my own meal. Birthdays etc would be an exception.
My family is the worst for fighting over the check. I am the youngest and learned to just say Thank you and let them pay rather than argue. I've kind of settled with my sister that when they come through town and we go to dinner it's "Dutch treat"
She seems ok with that agreement.
If I go with friends I ask for separate checks. If I take someone out I'm clear that I'm treating.
I think if couples go, same thing, each couple gets a separate check.
 
Ruth n Jersey said:
I always get the paying part settled right off the bat. I like to pay my own way and I don't go for the ,my treat business. It leaves me feeling obligated to ask whoever it was out again so I can treat. I also don't like splitting a bill or I buy then you buy. I ask for a separate check and leave a tip for my dinner only. This way I don't feel obligated or feel guilty if I can't reciprocate in a timely manner. I also can order whatever I please and not think to myself maybe I shouldn't order that because the person treating will think it is to expensive, so I'll just have a bowl of soup and a cup of coffee, but what I really want is the T bone steak.
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Exactly. You said it better than me.
 
If someone invites me to dine with them at a restaurant, I immediately clarify if it's a treat situation or a split-check affair. No biggie. When I ask someone to dine with me, I always add, "My treat!" As someone above mentioned, some folks feel weird when you pay for them. True story: Sitting in a lodge, a ways outside of Nairobi, with a group of safari mates. We had snacks and two rounds of drinks. There were ten of us. Everyone was in fine moods, lots of laughs, great stories. The waiter came with the check. I called out, "This one's on me!" You could hear a pin drop. All eyes looked at me. Uh, what was the deal? I paid the check, but things were never the same, again, on safari, for the next two weeks. I add that these were folks from all over the world: Italy, France, England, Portugal, Japan, Canada. I guess I was seen as The Ugly American, in their eyes after my magnanimous gesture. Very strange.
 
treeguy64 said:
If someone invites me to dine with them at a restaurant, I immediately clarify if it's a treat situation or a split-check affair. No biggie. When I ask someone to dine with me, I always add, "My treat!" As someone above mentioned, some folks feel weird when you pay for them. True story: Sitting in a lodge, a ways outside of Nairobi, with a group of safari mates. We had snacks and two rounds of drinks. There were ten of us. Everyone was in fine moods, lots of laughs, great stories. The waiter came with the check. I called out, "This one's on me!" You could hear a pin drop. All eyes looked at me. Uh, what was the deal? I paid the check, but things were never the same, again, on safari, for the next two weeks. I add that these were folks from all over the world: Italy, France, England, Portugal, Japan, Canada. I guess I was seen as The Ugly American, in their eyes after my magnanimous gesture. Very strange.
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I've found that to be true among my family and friends.

Some people see it as showing off or insinuating that they can't afford a drink or a meal.

I try to be very careful about how I approach picking up the tab.

“No good deed goes unpunished." - Oscar Wilde
 
If I invite a friend to go out somewhere for dinner, usually a birthday celebration or something, I always make clear beforehand that it's my treat. They usually insist on paying the tip. I guess if someone invites me to go out and eat at a restaurant, I would expect them to pay, but be prepared to pay the bill myself if needed. I can't even remember where I was in a situation where separate checks were given, maybe once....not sure. Even when I was young and dating, taken out somewhere to eat by a guy, I'd offer to pay my part of the bill, and they never took me up on it.
 
How about the other way around when as much as you want to be able to treat someone and they never let you. And it's a good friend. And they go overboard with gifting in general, as with a baby shower for someone she hardly knows. I think sometimes it feels like buying friendship, but this person doesn't even have to do that. People like her anyway.
 
My daughter will often invite us out for a meal when we are down in the city ( 2 hour drive from where we live ) and she useally says I’m paying ...no if or buts ...
We don’t have a tipping system in Australia ,most who work in that industry are paid $22— $30 an hour ..my 23 yo GD works in food and hospitality her wage is $30 an hour
 
Olivia said:
How about the other way around when as much as you want to be able to treat someone and they never let you. And it's a good friend. And they go overboard with gifting in general, as with a baby shower for someone she hardly knows. I think sometimes it feels like buying friendship, but this person doesn't even have to do that. People like her anyway.
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If they've repeatedly refused to accept a dinner treat, I would stop asking, and stop worrying about it. If they want to continue to be generous, fine, accept, thank them, and stop thinking about it.
 
applecruncher said:
If they've repeatedly refused to accept a dinner treat, I would stop asking, and stop worrying about it. If they want to continue to be generous, fine, accept, thank them, and stop thinking about it.
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No, it's not that. We do get out and have dinner or a coffee and a snack and pay for our own. She's a good friend and I wish she would realize that it's also gracious to accept what someone would like to do for them. I had a Starbuck's gift card and I said I would use that for both of us, and I said that "No" was not an option. I said it several times, but she wouldn't let me do it. She's still a good friend but I don't understand it. Christmas and birthdays are okay with her, but not just everyday kinds of thing. I can say that when she rarely accepts something like that, she feels she has to give back double or triple.
 
Olivia said:
No, it's not that. We do get out and have dinner or a coffee and a snack and pay for our own. She's a good friend and I wish she would realize that it's also gracious to accept what someone would like to do for them. I had a Starbuck's gift card and I said I would use that for both of us, and I said that "No" was not an option. I said it several times, but she wouldn't let me do it. She's still a good friend but I don't understand it. Christmas and birthdays are okay with her, but not just everyday kinds of thing. I can say that when she rarely accepts something like that, she feels she has to give back double or triple.
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You can't make her realize something she's made up her mind about. She is going to feel whatever she wants. Imo you should stop trying to understand it...it is what it is. Accept it.
 
applecruncher said:
You can't make her realize something she's made up her mind about. She is going to feel whatever she wants. Imo you should stop trying to understand it...it is what it is. Accept it.
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You're right AC. There's no other choice. Just wondering why. I just was so sort of chagrined when I gave her a modest gift card and she gave me a box full of gifts. I can't understand it, but at this point I'll stop trying.
 
I always expect to pay for my own meal. It's just easier that way. Except for my son -- he always insists he pay and I've given up arguing over it. He always says I fed him for years and now it is his turn.
 

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