My guy proposed ... now what do I do?

For what's it's worth I think you did the right thing by holding off on getting married for now.....go ahead and get engaged and then just wait and see what happens.
 

That sounds perfect, Ronni. You both, made the perfect decision together. You must be so relieved and now you're free to let things go as they may on this journey together. You have no problems in the communications department. Peace, love, dove :love_heart:
 
asking strangers what you should do, suggests that you are
not ready to marry. If you were totally into it you would not be asking everyone--in the world.
What we think does not matter much, including myself.
I have not been married, but seems to me much depends on how much your life will change
and if you can handle the risk level of this change.
 

Ronni said:
I appreciate so much all your advice, suggestions, wisdom. I'm so glad I'm here and have this great resource and access to such diversity of opinions and input!! :love_heart:

Ron and I talked a lot over the weekend. It's so funny, the idea of getting married when I was younger had me all fluttery, thinking about hearts and flowers and kids and romance, the thousand thoughts of a wedding and a dress and all that pomp and circumstance.....and definitely let's not forget the lust that comes with a new love! ;)

So different to consider it at this age. Certainly it involves my heart, because the ONLY reason I am even considering the idea of marriage again is because of my deep feelings for Ron. I never expected to feel this way again after becoming so thoroughly disillusioned about relationships after my disaster of a marriage. But there are many practicalities too...finances and health and debt and house and the myriad of potential problems that can arise due to advanced age. I mean, when you're young you think you're gonna live forever!!! But at this age, at least for Ron and me, there is the strong recognition of our mortality.....without being in the least morbid about it, just the practical realization that we have less time ahead of us than we do behind us.

We decided to become engaged. But he also understands that I really need to take this in stages, that I might never actually get there as far as marriage is concerned. Still, I really LIKE the idea of being engaged. Even though we've both been committed and exclusive and dedicated to this relationship for some time now, still the idea of making it "official" has some appeal to me. And he really likes that too.

Now he's looking for a ring. Oh my! :love_heart:
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You're a smart lady Ronni, I hope you're both very happy and enjoy a good life with each other married or not. :sunglass:
 
In a good marriage there are no secrets. Wondering about being left homeless if he has a will should be a topic for discussion. All his assets & liabilities a topic for discussion. Of course that applies to you as well. Finances are the most common reason for marital problems. A complete understanding of where you both are and what is expected is essential to starting our right. If you have doubt or feel uneasy about resolving this now then hold off until you have the kind of relationship that makes knowing all ahead of time a natural part of the relationship.
 
Victor said:
asking strangers what you should do, suggests that you are
not ready to marry.
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Well...er....yeah. ;) That was kind of the whole POINT of this post, Victor, to get other perspectives, to help clarify my uncertainties, give them names so as to better resolve them, because I WAS uncertain and caught off guard about this.

I wanted unbiased and objective opinions and insights. Well, let me clarify that....I wanted no bias towards me, or Ron. None of you know us, so whatever biases you do have will not be personal to us, they will be the result of your own experiences and that's fine with me. That's part of what I was looking for, others experiences from which to draw.

In a good marriage there are no secrets. Wondering about being left homeless if he has a will should be a topic for discussion. All his assets & liabilities a topic for discussion. Of course that applies to you as well. Finances are the most common reason for marital problems. A complete understanding of where you both are and what is expected is essential to starting our right. If you have doubt or feel uneasy about resolving this now then hold off until you have the kind of relationship that makes knowing all ahead of time a natural part of the relationship.
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Knight I appreciate this input. We've already begun to explore the financial aspects of this. Thankfully our level of communication is very high so there's no problems bringing up anything either of us feel uneasy about. If we do marry, or even just live together, we will live in his house. I've already said that I want something very firmly in place that allows me to continue to live in his house, with some kind of financial support for the upkeep of the home, should he predecease me. I would not expect to inherit the house, I would assume he'd leave that asset to his children. But I also don't want to be out on the street because of that. I have an excellent relationship with his kids and his grandkids, but I don't plan to just assume, because of that good relationship, that I would automatically be allowed to stay in the home, not without some provision for that in his will or a legal document of some kind. He's completely in agreement with that as far as we've discussed it.

Nothing is going to be left to chance on either side of this relationship. I want everything in writing. Neither of us have much, but I don't want the future familial relationships to sour because of issues we were perfectly capable of dealing with now, and didn't.
 
Ronni said:
quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by Victor asking strangers what you should do, suggests that you are
not ready to marry.


Well...er....yeah. ;) That was kind of the whole POINT of this post, Victor, to get other perspectives, to help clarify my uncertainties, give them names so as to better resolve them, because I WAS uncertain and caught off guard about this.

I wanted unbiased and objective opinions and insights. Well, let me clarify that....I wanted no bias towards me, or Ron. None of you know us, so whatever biases you do have will not be personal to us, they will be the result of your own experiences and that's fine with me. That's part of what I was looking for, others experiences from which to draw.

Break:

Nothing is going to be left to chance on either side of this relationship. I want everything in writing. Neither of us have much, but I don't want the future familial relationships to sour because of issues we were perfectly capable of dealing with now, and didn't.
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I think Victor did put his finger on something in his post, and although I wish you all the luck should things go ahead with your proposed marriage, it may be more difficult than you think to have thought of "everything" before you embark on anything to do with "affairs of the heart".

I'm no expert however, and if it works for you I wont decry your success.
 
grahamg said:
I think Victor did put his finger on something in his post, and although I wish you all the luck should things go ahead with your proposed marriage, it may be more difficult than you think to have thought of "everything" before you embark on anything to do with "affairs of the heart".
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grahamg said:
I'm no expert however, and if it works for you I wont decry your success.
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Isn't that true though, with any marriage or partnership? Whether you're a senior, or a young person starting out, there are, or at least should be, many things you talk about, consider, find compromises on, as you determine your future together. I've seen young people's lives disintegrate because they didn't talk about some crucial things...like his job wanted him to move to another state which was always a possibility, but they didn't talk about what they would do if that happened, she wanted to work after she had their first child but he expected her to stay at home, they had completely different financial practices....so many differences.

While the issues will tend to be different depending on the ages of the people involved, I don't think the fact of being a senior and considering marriage means there are more issues, they're just different.

~~~~~~~~

I wanted to mention this too, because it's something else we talked about. It suddenly occurred to me during one of our discussions this w/e that an engagement, while it typically precedes a marriage, can ALSO be a stand alone thing and not something that is overshadowed by the future event it represents. It can also be a way to celebrate a firm and binding commitment to another, as its own thing! When I shared that thought with Ron he loved it!
 
Why marry? Why do young people get married versus older people? Just because you are each happy why change anything? You have not a single guarantee it will work. Enjoy what you have and be thankful.
 
fmdog44 said:
Why marry? Why do young people get married versus older people? Just because you are each happy why change anything? You have not a single guarantee it will work. Enjoy what you have and be thankful.
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Oh boy do I agree, I married once and single for decades and comfortable and happy not to take care of anyone else but me, selfish yes, but I've seen too many stories on caregiver forums and so glad to be without a burden for another person.

You can have a nice "free" relationship without the legal ramifications.

I had a sweet good bf years ago and we lived together but he wanted marriage and I did not, so he had to move on, I never regretted my decision. Sad as it was when he drove off to Minnesota, he found a wife back there, I love my freedom too much.

I had a tough tough divorce and not a great marriage but I'd probably feel the same way as I do now if it was the other way, not sure but I'm thinkin that and again, I don't want to take care of anyone...children or animals or people. A couple plants yes. Be smart. jam
 
PVC said:
@ Ronni = Marriage is important the first time out if you plan on having children, to make them ''legit''. When you're past 50-60 and no longer want to procreate, why bother getting married? Society is a lot more lax now, you will no longer be ostracized if you live ''in sin''. Just live together as husband and wife, no need for the paperwork. Then, if it doesn't work out, each of you can just walk away without any baggage or legal expense to worry about. After the children issue is out of the way, marriage is overrated.
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Overrated, I think so. I haven't seen too much good ones in my 80 yrs. Someone always gets the short end.

I have had a lot of bf's over my single life from one marriage and at this point and I know many older women who would not think of marriage at their late ages...living together maybe or trying to keep it going without the legals. I think the older man needs and wants marriage far more than older women. I do believe this one.
 
jaminhealth stated; "I think the older man needs and wants marriage far more than older women. I do believe this one."


WOW! Do you think I might be at risk? We're in our eighties and maybe I should be worrying about my wife still "needing" me. We've been married for 62 years but I guess I can't afford to let my guard down, even at this late date!!!:(
 
DaveA said:
jaminhealth stated; "I think the older man needs and wants marriage far more than older women. I do believe this one."


WOW! Do you think I might be at risk? We're in our eighties and maybe I should be worrying about my wife still "needing" me. We've been married for 62 years but I guess I can't afford to let my guard down, even at this late date!!!:(
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Well, all I can say my parents were married 63 yrs and when mom died 5 yrs ahead of dad, his children (we) had to teach him everything...how to write a check, turn on washer and dryer etc etc.

And women, for the most part, are the caregivers of the world. There are exceptions but this I believe to be true.
 
jaminhealth said:
Well, all I can say my parents were married 63 yrs and when mom died 5 yrs ahead of dad, his children (we) had to teach him everything...how to write a check, turn on washer and dryer etc etc.

And women, for the most part, are the caregivers of the world. There are exceptions but this I believe to be true.
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In my pre-feminist past, I criticized a mother for making her teenage sons do the laundry and vacuuming and other ''women chores''. She told me that someday they might not marry, or their wife is sick or dead, and they needed to know how to do those chores. I realized how right she was and gave her credit for her practical wisdom.
 
PVC said:
In my pre-feminist past, I criticized a mother for making her teenage sons do the laundry and vacuuming and other ''women chores''. She told me that someday they might not marry, or their wife is sick or dead, and they needed to know how to do those chores. I realized how right she was and gave her credit for her practical wisdom.
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Very wise for women to teach her sons to do the "house" work. My mother didn't..but younger men today are doing more and more in the homes.
 
PVC said:
In my pre-feminist past, I criticized a mother for making her teenage sons do the laundry and vacuuming and other ''women chores''. She told me that someday they might not marry, or their wife is sick or dead, and they needed to know how to do those chores. I realized how right she was and gave her credit for her practical wisdom.
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I have 5 kids, 4 boys and a girl. Before my kids left home, they ALL knew how to cook simple meals, sew on a button, sew up a hem or a seam, grocery shop, sort and wash laundry, clean a bathroom, dust and mop the house. They all also kne how to change a tire, check the oil and other fluids on their vehicles, assemble simple furniture pieces, use a hammer and screwdriver and wrench appropriately.

I was not gender specific with what I taught them to do. Gender roles were pretty much non-existent once I got away from my husband who was VERY sexist (amongst many other negative traits.)

Ron ( my fiancé) does all his own cooking, and cooks for me when I'm over. He keeps a very tidy and clean house, runs his own laundry, changes his bed every week, goes grocery shopping regularly, does the many domestic duties and chores that are often looked on as "women's work." He has a large property and also keeps up with the grounds and maintenance. He owns his own business and manages it well. He's pretty well-rounded.
 
Ronni said:
Ron ( my fiancé) does all his own cooking, and cooks for me when I'm over. He keeps a very tidy and clean house, runs his own laundry, changes his bed every week, goes grocery shopping regularly, does the many domestic duties and chores that are often looked on as "women's work." He has a large property and also keeps up with the grounds and maintenance. He owns his own business and manages it well. He's pretty well-rounded.
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Geeez... I want to marry him!
 
All those traits about Ron sound great...but for me I just think I'm too independent to have to run things by another person at this point in my life. I've been single too long, I suppose and it works really good for me. And I think too much about health as we age, I take care of my own and don't want to take care of another's....but that's me and we all have our needs and wants and even as one ages.

Ronni, I bet you have a Good Life right now. Your children and grands and everything that goes with them.

Just thought of this one, I sleep so so good and have no desire to share my bed with anyone..I have heard enough stories there, so just things like this one is important to consider in the whole picture. Thinking over my life, my worst night's of sleep have been with another person there next to me and going thru their gyrations.
 
fmdog44 said:
A life changing decision should not be left up to people on a website. You are not a teenager. Make the call yourself.
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I completely agree!!

I'm not expecting anyone to make this decision FOR me, that would be foolhardy. But as with all the major decisions in my life, I don't make them until I've gathered all the data. When I'm uncertain about something, that just tells me I don't have enough information, so I go to whatever sources are available to me to gather more. Facts, anecdotal info, opinions, others' experiences, books on the subject...they're all valid sources of information.

That's all I'm doing here. If it offends you, don't read the thread. ;)
 
Advice, wisdom, things to think about, speculations about why I'm wary or unsure or nervous...I'd appreciate any input.


Quite a few responses which is what you were asking for. Which if any helped you form a decision? Or are you still thinking about it?
 

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