A mind-boggling issue, or am I missing something?

EleanorW

EleanorW

New Member
Hi all -

I hope this issue isn't too "heavy" for this forum section, but I tend to think there must be others faced with the same issue.

I have a close friend of about a quarter century who rather suddenly dropped off the radar screen about a year ago. (Meaning, two P.O. boxes shut down, four email addresses shut down, two telephone numbers shut down (she worked from home.) Paper mail rejected but her home was/is still on the tax rolls in her name.) Her place is in Round Rock, Texas.

I had a couple of phone numbers of family members and associates, but all their phone numbers are no longer in service.

I'm up here in the Canadian north woods, retired, in somewhat shaky health, unable to afford to travel or hire a detective.

After a session with (an amazing) psychic, and a friend who was able to get the Round Rock, TX police missing persons bureau to look into my friend's status, we determined that she is in a care facility in Alice, Texas, a couple of hundred miles south, and is suffering from dementia.

The Round Rock police said they were not allowed to furnish more detail.

Now what this means in realistic terms is, I am probably cut off from any communications with my "incarcerated" friend for the rest of her life.

This is due to the medical confidentiality laws.

I have tried calling the nursing homes in the Alice, Texas area, asking for my friend by name in hopes a receptionist might slip up and confirm my friend's presence and let me contact her, with no luck. This is commonly-given advice.

My question is, are there any members of this forum who have faced this issue before, and if yes, were you able to solve the problem and find contact information for your "incarcerated" friend or family member?

Another question is, this seems like rather extreme punishment for both people who are put into nursing home care and friends who want to contact them. Didn't anyone framing confidentiality laws think about this? Are there any organizations working on a solution?

Thanks for taking time to read this,

Eleanor White
Ontario, Canada
 

Wow. Strange about the phone numbers for family not being in service. Do you have addresses for them? If not, maybe you could send a letter to her old address and see what happens. It might take awhile as the USPS is notorious for taking their sweet time about forwarding snail mail.
 

Kika said:
She can probably receive mail. Why not send a card with a note inside, and maybe include a picture of yourself to jog her memory. Maybe enclose a self-addressed stamped envelope. If she has any family over-seeing her care, I am sure they would respond to you.
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Good thought, but there are maybe 8 nursing homes in the Alice, TX area - should I send cards to all of them? And wouldn't the staff treat a card the same as a call?

Eleanor White
 
It's surprisingly easy to track someone down. You've already done most of the work.

There aren't that many care facilities in that town. I agree with @Kika that sending a card with a brief note would be nice. You could send one to each of the care homes where she might be.

They would give her the card. But they might open it first. So don't say you've been "searching" for her and aren't sure whether the card will reach her. Just send her your love and tell her your news or whatever.
 
Georgiagranny said:
Wow. Strange about the phone numbers for family not being in service. Do you have addresses for them? If not, maybe you could send a letter to her old address and see what happens. It might take awhile as the USPS is notorious for taking their sweet time about forwarding snail mail.
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Thanks - however the Round Rock police confirmed what has happened to her, even if no details are available. I don't have addresses or even complete names for family, unfortunately.

Eleanor White
 
Georgiagranny said:
Nonono, Fluffy! Send mail to her old address. Surely somebody at some point filed a change of address for her mail.
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Interesting thought. I've sent a couple of paper letters to her street address as well as former PO boxes. All returned with "unable to forward."

If her family is handling her mail, I'd think they would either forward or maybe respond to obviously personal mail.

Eleanor White
 
The frequent changes of e-mail addresses before she disappeared make me suspect she was changing them because someone made her angry. That often goes along with dementia. I think sending a card is a great idea but be prepared for an answer that says she'll never forgive you for ... something you never did.

I wrote my father often during the last 30 years of his life but had to stop after he got dementia. The last letter I wrote was light hearted and jokey in tone. It just happened to arrive close to the anniversary of my mother's death 30 years earlier. He thought it should have had a sadder tone. The next time I visited he was still so mad at me he threatened to get a gun and shoot me. Dementia is a trip down a dark and murky road sometimes.
 
Della said:
The frequent changes of e-mail addresses before she disappeared make me suspect she was changing them because someone made her angry. That often goes along with dementia. I think sending a card is a great idea but be prepared for an answer that says she'll never forgive you for ... something you never did.

I wrote my father often during the last 30 years of his life but had to stop after he got dementia. The last letter I wrote was light hearted and jokey in tone. It just happened to arrive close to the anniversary of my mother's death 30 years earlier. He thought it should have had a sadder tone. The next time I visited he was still so mad at me he threatened to get a gun and shoot me. Dementia is a trip down a dark and murky road sometimes.
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My friend's multiple email addresses were for work she was doing, and all of them were at least a decade in service before they were shut down.

I haven't been able to have any type of conversation with her since her diagnosis. We had not been in close touch for the past couple of years.

Eleanor White
 
Welcome to the forum @EleanorW
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Beezer said:
Psychic's take advantage of desperate and ill people and also the elderly. Please don't waste your money on this form of faith.
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You got that 100%. I would never go to them "jokers" since I have always believed, "A Fool and His/Her money are quickly parted." Keep away from people claiming "special powers" like they have Monkeypox.
 

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EleanorW said:
Interesting thought. I've sent a couple of paper letters to her street address as well as former PO boxes. All returned with "unable to forward."
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I think the post office has a limit on how long they will forward mail. Could be only one year or maybe two.
EleanorW said:
Tragic, though, that nursing home residents are kept away from friends, even more than prisoners.
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I don't believe they are doing that. Perhaps only if her family specified only certain named visitors. That could be possible if she had somehow been abused. Physically? financially? emotionally?
 
Kika said:
I think the post office has a limit on how long they will forward mail. Could be only one year or maybe two.

I don't believe they are doing that. Perhaps only if her family specified only certain named visitors. That could be possible if she had somehow been abused. Physically? financially? emotionally?
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My friend was unmarried and lived alone pretty well for most of her adult life. There was no question of abuse that I ever heard about.

Unfortunately, as best I know, this confidentiality blockade of location information applies throughout both the U.S. and Canada - it's not related to family at all. Family wishes would come into effect if I were to find exactly where she is.

The missing piece of this puzzle is, as I see it, why can't there be a procedure where a nursing home would acknowledge the resident is there, and would accept written communications to be given to the resident. The resident (or family if mentally incapable) would then decide whether to reply or not.

I don't see that as a threat or undue burden on staff, (but then hey, I'm not in charge either!)

People have names on mailboxes, and car licence plates showing, so I don't see why knowing where they reside has caused serious danger to the vast majority of people.

Eleanor White
 
EleanorW said:
My friend's multiple email addresses were for work she was doing, and all of them were at least a decade in service before they were shut down.

I haven't been able to have any type of conversation with her since her diagnosis. We had not been in close touch for the past couple of years.

Eleanor White
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Right. I didn't mean to imply that she was mad at you, just someone. As I said. Sorry.
 


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