A new day...

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You are a fragile gentle sweet soul Marci. I wish we lived closer. I know you would like me šŸ„°. But sadly we don't. Are you allowed to have a pet where you are? Especially a dog (not a puppy...has to be a good match for you...a 3-5 yr old dog with a gentle quiet spirit and soulful eyes).Dogs are better than people....by leaps and bounds.

But you do have one very real friend and you must focus him. He loves you beyond measure and I know you love him. Stay strong. I know what you mean about people. Nobody is as wonderful as we are šŸ˜‡

 

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MarciKS said:
I'm not sleeping again. Figured I might as well find something to do. With music going in the Music Box I figured I'd write.

I know several of us on this forum suffer from bouts of depression. I am one of them. I grew up never feeling like I was wanted...needed...or worth anything. Now into old age I am walking along pretty much unseen and unheard. At least that's how it feels. But if I'm cared about in real life (the one on my side of the pc)...then why are there no people in my real life here to prove to me that I matter? They only seem to care when they're being nosy or they want something from me. Otherwise it's as if I don't exist.

I don't know how many times I've had to sit and listen to people whine about their lives but if I wanna say a thing about mine then I'm being a whiner and they don't wanna hear it. So I get quiet. Then they get mad cuz I'm quiet.

I feel more dead inside as time goes on. I used to be so full of life. I had a love for life. Now it's like I'm standing in the middle of a wasteland of lust, greed and deception with no where to get away from it.

No one to comfort me. No one to care. Just no one. I don't think people understand the true depths of loneliness and how painful it is. It's a very dark place to be. But it's all I've known most of my life.

The way people act anymore I have no real desire to spend time with them. Just a few minutes is about all I can stand before I'm wishing I were home by myself. I'm lonely but can't stand people. I don't understand it. I just know I hafta deal with it.

From a depressive stand point the people make it worse. They don't understand that you can't just "get over it." I can understand why some people do drugs. They need the escape. But for me there's no where to escape to. It's just me and the 4 walls. No way out. No one to go hang out with. No one to talk to on the phone. No one I even like. (Keep in mind this is in real time not including the folks here on the forum) And I'm loathe to let anyone in anymore because it always ends the same way. I get hurt while they go on about their merry way like nothing happened.

The rage that was there is slowly starting to settle. Maybe my brain has finally accepted that this is it. Maybe it is. :confused:
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It is the same for a lot of us, and that brings no comfort except to know what you are saying is not unusual in any way, and you are not alone in these feelings or this reality. I am a specialist at being taken advantage of, šŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø. Trusting where I should not, listening to others issues, and being left behind.

When my phone rings itā€™s a telemarketer or a doctorā€™s office or, lately a spam artist calling from social security šŸ˜‚. I am fortunate that my son with DS calls everyday to tell me heā€™s OK. My other son, who lives nearby, calls to see if I am still alive-Ok, mom, got to go, glad you are alivešŸ˜‚. My daughter texts about my great granddaughter. And my mother, not very often, to tell me how she is, not ask how I am.

But a friend, someone to socialize with?-in person? Nope. Impossible to meet anyone in this neighborhood, in my current life, in Covid-19 times. But, I rarely want to be bothered anymore and thatā€™s the truth. And I think itā€™s might be the same for you. We crave interaction, comfort, caring, friendship, someone to care if we live or die; but donā€™t necessarily want to give all that back in return. Itā€™s a lot of work, those types of friendships.

So we isolate ourselves to avoid the bother of it all, an endless circle of sadness, depression, need, and want caused by ourselves, IMO.

I like the distance friendships of the forum. Some of the friendships here might be real, some are obviously not, but it certainly fills our social needs, IMO, without risking ourselves too badly. True, people still get their feelings hurt but itā€™s more recoverable than in person. I whine, vent, share, without my words going all over my town. If people do want to listen, than thatā€™s fine. If they donā€™t that fine as well. The forum works really well for me.

Anyway, this is my take on my life this morning, šŸ˜‚, tomorrow I might feel differently, as might you, life is ever changing which can be a good thing.
 
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So we isolate ourselves to avoid the bother of it all, an endless circle of sadness, depression, need, and want caused by ourselves, IMO.

If I had my way...I'd have friends. But I don't get to make that decision. You can't force people to come visit or call or even socialize. You can't make people like you. I isolate in order to avoid any further hurt. I've gotten to a point where I simply can't take anymore. So I've chosen to lock it all away. If that makes sense.
 

MarciKS said:
So we isolate ourselves to avoid the bother of it all, an endless circle of sadness, depression, need, and want caused by ourselves, IMO.

If I had my way...I'd have friends. But I don't get to make that decision. You can't force people to come visit or call or even socialize. You can't make people like you. I isolate in order to avoid any further hurt. I've gotten to a point where I simply can't take anymore. So I've chosen to lock it all away. If that makes sense.
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It does make sense.

It sounds like you also have been taken advantage of and I understand wanting friends. I wanted friends when I was younger but I was not allowed to socialize and didnā€™t not learn the skill of making and holding friends. So when I had a friend, I over did it, and was taken advantage of in the process. If I wanted to keep that friend, I could not be me.

This cycle repeated itself endlessly, not with a group of friends, but with A friend who drew me into their group. I didnā€™t need a group. But maybe that is how it works, in order to have a friend you have to over due repeatedly for them, agree even when you disagree, join their group, and be more true to them then to yourself.

Works when you are young. Works when you are desperate. Works when you want a group situation. But it always barely worked for me, because I did not lie, and you have to lie. Friends donā€™t want reality or the truth, they mostly want the lie. Yes, that looks great on you. šŸ¤®

After high school, I started to not care. I hung with a few young woman, very few, like me. One good friend who died. Thirty years ago. Then another good friend who ā€œdisappearedā€ four years ago. A Canadian, here illegally, dodging the law. šŸ˜‚

Now it would not work at my age. I just canā€™t invest the energy it would take. I hope you find someone though, sounds like you are up to it. šŸ˜
 
*LOL @the avatar*

Morning.

*Sips :coffee:* I actually got 8 hrs of sleep. Woohooooooooooooooooo! I was in so much agony yesterday that I laid on my ice pack for a while. Then when I went to bed I laid on my back on a heating pad for a while then rolled onto the broken side on the pad for awhile. Feel a little better this morning.

No big plans today beyond taking a shower. Might get another chapter done in my food handlers course. Got nothing else to do.
 
Aneeda72 said:
It does make sense.

It sounds like you also have been taken advantage of and I understand wanting friends. I wanted friends when I was younger but I was not allowed to socialize and didnā€™t not learn the skill of making and holding friends. So when I had a friend, I over did it, and was taken advantage of in the process. If I wanted to keep that friend, I could not be me.

This cycle repeated itself endlessly, not with a group of friends, but with A friend who drew me into their group. I didnā€™t need a group. But maybe that is how it works, in order to have a friend you have to over due repeatedly for them, agree even when you disagree, join their group, and be more true to them then to yourself.

Works when you are young. Works when you are desperate. Works when you want a group situation. But it always barely worked for me, because I did not lie, and you have to lie. Friends donā€™t want reality or the truth, they mostly want the lie. Yes, that looks great on you. šŸ¤®

After high school, I started to not care. I hung with a few young woman, very few, like me. One good friend who died. Thirty years ago. Then another good friend who ā€œdisappearedā€ four years ago. A Canadian, here illegally, dodging the law. šŸ˜‚

Now it would not work at my age. I just canā€™t invest the energy it would take. I hope you find someone though, sounds like you are up to it. šŸ˜
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Not really up to it. Don't have the energy or desire for it anymore. I just like being made to feel like I don't matter. To anyone. Ya know?
 
I don't have any friends either Marci. But I believe it's going to happen. Just keep believing. Even if it never happens, believing and hope will make you a little happier. Just love yourself and people will like you. I like you šŸ¤—
 
MarciKS said:
Each day we are blessed with a new day. Today I had no plans to return here this soon. But I have decided that I no longer want to allow people to control my life with their proclivities. We are all who we are. And one person should not be given the power to destroy the world for another. I'm sick of letting people hurt me just because they can. Today is a new day. The thing that took me down is now a thing of the past. I refuse to dwell on it or even think about it anymore. What's done is done.

And on that note...we are seeing a decrease in COVID numbers where I live. However I'm not certain how long that will last. With some states opening up & dropping mask mandates on top of that new African strain that's supposed to be in the US by April if it's not already...I just don't think we are gonna do well with this. I hope that millions more won't lose their lives to this virus.

Landlord came today. I think he might have actually got the faucet in the tub fixed. šŸ˜²

It was 72F today. Might get some rain overnight.

We have some new employees at work again. I had to train one yesterday. Not my favorite thing to do but the supervisors seem to prefer I do it.

I got off one of my anxiety meds cuz it was making matters worse I think. I've been feeling better since.

My brother had an incident the other night and had to spend 7 days in a psyche ward. His anxiety is way worse than mine & he had some sort of meltdown. Part of which was caused by the COVID he had. He wasn't sleeping either & the dr. never dealt with it. Because of the virus they have to stay 7 days and get a court order to get out. Poor kid was scared to death. This is a trying time for everyone. I think it's important that we try to be better to one another. There's enough hate & scamming going on in this world without everyone else joining in.

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I try very hard to dwell on the moment which isn't always that easy but today is good, our roller-coaster clipper consisting of high winds, etc...leaving us with -16 C, has abated for now...plus I just baked two breads and they are looking good doing their thing in the oven so I am feeling relatively happy! Take care!
 
Ruby Rose said:
I try very hard to dwell on the moment which isn't always that easy but today is good, our roller-coaster clipper consisting of high winds, etc...leaving us with -16 C, has abated for now...plus I just baked two breads and they are looking good doing their thing in the oven so I am feeling relatively happy! Take care!
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I like bread. šŸ˜
 
Thinking, thinking, wishing I could help but knowing an old man is as useless as a stack of dirty dishes,
but that doesn't make me stop wishing. But if I was something special, could transform my self to a useful
robot with feelings, I'd knock on your door and say it's the helpful man bringing good news and good feedlings
and just the right medicine to make you well. You can take off for another month and you want have to cworry about
another think. I'll cook for you, cook what you like and you won't have to worry about groceries, I'll furnish everything,
especially the emoional things. I'll rock you and sing to you, tell you not to worry, I'll be right here, and I'll hug you and rock
you. and sing, "rock a by baby in the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, and when the wind stops the cradle
won't fall cause I'll be right here to see that ir don't." And you will sleep, peacefully all the night through and then you will ask
'who are you?' And I will answer, just an ol;d man to take care of you till you're on your own again.
 
MarciKS said:
Not really up to it. Don't have the energy or desire for it anymore. I just like being made to feel like I don't matter. To anyone. Ya know?
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Well, my husband has certainly made it clear that I do not matter to him, made it loud and clear. I am just here so he doesnā€™t have to split the money with me or keep things clean etc., or in case he needs to be taken care of. šŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

I donā€™t matter to my children in the way you want to matter to someone, or in the way I want to matter to someone. I a am realist if nothing else. At 74 I have reached that age, and physical condition, where the ā€œnormalā€ children are worried about having to take care of me at some point, and it depends on the child, of course. My son, with DS, will be devastated when I die. But he is the only one and he will get over it.

My oldest son will be a bit sad. My daughter will put on an emotional show of great sadness, but it will be a show. These two have Aspergerā€˜s syndrome, especially my daughter, so she has learned to fake it, quite well, as has my son. šŸ˜‚. My really disabled son will be sad, a few tears, shrug it off, and heā€™s fine.

I have no illusions of my worth at this point in time. I raised very independent people-a curse and a blessing šŸ˜.

So yes, I know I donā€™t really matter, like Iā€™d like to matter, to anyone. I donā€™t matter much at all.

Since a child when anyone had to choice between my brother and my self, my brother was chosen. My beloved grandmother, when I was 17, chose a younger half sibling who was 2 years old blonde hair, blue eyed, adorable lovely little darling over a continued relationship with me.

My biological brother was raised like the Prince of the family, and I was the dog. He was taught not to care for me, and he doesnā€™t.

I cannot waste my time anymore over people who will not or cannot give me what I think I want or need. I comprise with them all to keep them in my life. I keep my mouth shut. I put up with the pain and heart ache because I love them all dearly amd wished they cared as much for me as I do for them. But they donā€™t. So I accept who they are, and take the crumbs.

I am responsible for my happiness, not them. I can chose to wallow in my depression over my plight in life or pull up my new well fitting cute big girl panties and make the best of what I have. I try to do my best with the occasional pity party.

But, yes, I do not have the energy to deal with one more in person persons ā€œrulesā€ over friendship. It is simply not worth it, to me. Senior forum is enough for me. There are people here I truly like and care for very much. I am cautiously optimistic that some of us could be friends. šŸ˜
 
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Ruby Rose said:
I try very hard to dwell on the moment which isn't always that easy but today is good, our roller-coaster clipper consisting of high winds, etc...leaving us with -16 C, has abated for now...plus I just baked two breads and they are looking good doing their thing in the oven so I am feeling relatively happy! Take care!
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I am going to try and make biscuits in the near future šŸ˜„
 
Well, lots of people have chimed in with good words, their own struggles/experience and advice.

I will just add a few thoughts... I've never been very good with the whole social thing--I either remain in the background or put myself too much forward and come off as socially "awkward" to put it nicely. I find I do best in the work environment, where my skills are appreciated and people *want* me around. But five o'clock arrives and (even before COVID) nobody wants to hang out as friends.

So that's one of my goals as I get ready for retirement in the next 18-24 months... work toward building up a network of contacts/friends I enjoy being with and who enjoy being with me. But I don't anticipate that it will take up most of my time; I still see myself alone alot, so planning for that too... travel, photography, classes maybe.

I guess the bottom line is, I can affect changes in this area only with things I have control over. I plan to focus on that and try to be grateful for whatever progress I can make. If it ends up being "me, myself and I," then--ok--we'll work with that.

I'm sorry for your struggles, @MarciKS. It's a bummer and no mistake. ::hugs::
 
CinnamonSugar said:
Well, lots of people have chimed in with good words, their own struggles/experience and advice.

I will just add a few thoughts... I've never been very good with the whole social thing--I either remain in the background or put myself too much forward and come off as socially "awkward" to put it nicely. I find I do best in the work environment, where my skills are appreciated and people *want* me around. But five o'clock arrives and (even before COVID) nobody wants to hang out as friends.

So that's one of my goals as I get ready for retirement in the next 18-24 months... work toward building up a network of contacts/friends I enjoy being with and who enjoy being with me. But I don't anticipate that it will take up most of my time; I still see myself alone alot, so planning for that too... travel, photography, classes maybe.

I guess the bottom line is, I can affect changes in this area only with things I have control over. I plan to focus on that and try to be grateful for whatever progress I can make. If it ends up being "me, myself and I," then--ok--we'll work with that.

I'm sorry for your struggles, @MarciKS. It's a bummer and no mistake. ::hugs::
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Well really that's all you can do. Just deal with what's on the plate in front of ya. And pray nobody serves brussel sprouts. LOL
 
CinnamonSugar said:
Well, lots of people have chimed in with good words, their own struggles/experience and advice.

I will just add a few thoughts... I've never been very good with the whole social thing--I either remain in the background or put myself too much forward and come off as socially "awkward" to put it nicely. I find I do best in the work environment, where my skills are appreciated and people *want* me around. But five o'clock arrives and (even before COVID) nobody wants to hang out as friends.

So that's one of my goals as I get ready for retirement in the next 18-24 months... work toward building up a network of contacts/friends I enjoy being with and who enjoy being with me. But I don't anticipate that it will take up most of my time; I still see myself alone alot, so planning for that too... travel, photography, classes maybe.

I guess the bottom line is, I can affect changes in this area only with things I have control over. I plan to focus on that and try to be grateful for whatever progress I can make. If it ends up being "me, myself and I," then--ok--we'll work with that.

I'm sorry for your struggles, @MarciKS. It's a bummer and no mistake. ::hugs::
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The only thing I was exciting about concerning the new money pit house, was it was near where I wanted to take some classes at the high school. Gee, thanks Covid-19. šŸ¤£
 
If someone asked me where I might see myself at 70 I would likely tell them still slaving away in the hospital kitchen with 9000 squirrels outside my house every day looking for seed. LOL
 
I've noticed several comments on this forum referring to Tourette's and it bothers me that people don't understand it. I've had it since I was 9 yrs old. People have misconceptions about TS because they don't know what it is and they don't understand it. I'm going to provide a few links in case someone is interested. Just because someone has a twitch in their arm doesn't mean they have Tourette's. Just because someone swears doesn't mean they have Tourette's and people with Tourette's aren't stupid. Our brains still work and we can still think just like anyone else. I've noted over the years that people think people with Tourette's are retarded.

It's not us that's retarded. LOL!

This first link is to the Tourette's Association of America. There's several links on there to explain TS in detail.
TSA

This second one deals with a lot of myths about Tourette's that come from people not having any knowledge about this disorder.
Myths

When people ask me about it I often explain to them that it's as if the wires that run from the brain to the muscles and nerves are getting crossed and telling the body to do something else. Example: Instead of my arm sitting still when I'm doing nothing...it might jerk up and out. (mine used to jerk up and to the side) Some peoples brains send a communication telling them to clear their throat all day long. On the surface most people find this amusing. But I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating this is to live with.

There are usually things attached to it like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Tourette's is usually holding hands with some other condition. The two spend 24/7 making your life a living hell.

I don't have the luxury of being normal. Sitting still. Relaxing. I'm keyed up 24/7...365 days a year. I don't tic like I used to but it's still there. It rears it's ugly head every so often. Scares the hell outta people. They think I'm having a seizure. LMAO!

I can laugh about it now because I've lived with it for so long. You'd be amazed how funny certain situations can be with this.

Anyway...hope ya learned a little something.
 
Time to forage for more food. That bagel didn't quite do the trick.
 

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