Accepting Death

ronk

ronk

Member
I had a hard time thinking of the proper title here. My father's twin brother (92 years old) was in a bicycle accident a week or so ago. He's been in the hospital, in a coma, ever since. He's on life support. They doubt he'll ever wake up. My uncle had expressed his desire that he didn't want to be kept alive more than a week, if he couldn't breathe on his own. The week has passed, but his wife doesn't want to let him go.

My uncle and I have never been terribly close. We lived together, briefly, back in the early 1990s. I went to him for help, and he made things very difficult for me. I moved out, and let the past go. In the past few years he moved back to Minnesota to be near the family again. We didn't see much of each other but our relations were cordial enough. My Dad already accepted that my uncle died a week ago. I'll miss my uncle. I just wish they'd let him finally die.
 

This is a very difficult decision many Seniors and their families must face. IMO, the Only way to handle such a situation is for a person to make their wishes known, well in advance, and insure that the spouse and children are in agreement. Then, a person should also have a Medical Power of Attorney, so that the doctors are not left with making the final decisions.

We had the "discussion" with each other and the kids several years ago, and everyone agrees that if life is going to consist of little other than laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to IV's and life support devices, all we want is some extra pain medicine, and unhook everything.
 
Thanks, Gaer & Don M. I'm experiencing this very much at a distance. I've been unable to see my parents due to the distance, and their health concerns. I still have my feelings. It's good that I can share them here.
 
Maybe his wife wants to feel that at end she left no stone unturned in hoping/praying that he might recover. As his wife she would probably be the one to make the decision to stop life support, and has to live with that decision ever after. Why not give her support instead of being critical of her hesitation to make worst decision a person would ever have to make.
 
@ronk I want to share this with you, hope you don’t mind.

I knew my aunt as a child and loved her. Last time I saw her I was, maybe 16. Thought about her, talked about her to my mother, but my aunt never contacted me even when I wrote her. Fast forward, my mother calls and said she was diagnosed with cancer.

Fast forward, she is near death. My mother wants me to call her and tell her I’ll miss her. I had not seen or spoke to her in decades. I refused. I refused to lie to a dying woman who I had loved and still loved. But I missed the aunt I knew, but not this dying stranger.

My mother said it’s ok, she doesn’t understand anything. Then why would I call? I did not. Their was little time between diagnosis and death. She waited to long.

I KNOW, Ronk, you will miss your uncle. The uncle you knew, the uncle you made up with, the uncle you wished you had gotten to know better. I am sorry this has happened to you, your uncle, and his wife.

Take time and grieve, but celebrate his life, as long as you remember him, he lives on.
 
I am not criticizing my "aunt." I don't have any easy communication with my family. They're only 30 miles away, but they can't drive this far, and I have no car. I understand her desire to hold onto hope. If I saw her, I'd tell her than I understand. But I probably won't see her. I saw my Uncle and Dad over a year ago. They came over to get some more of my brother's stuff and take it over to the nursing home where he now lives. We had a "decent" communication, in other words, no arguments etc. I talked with my uncle on the phone a few weeks ago. He didn't even seem to know the date and time. My Dad said he thought his brother's mind had been quickly deteriorating over a time... Yes I will miss my Uncle. He was one of my heroes.
 
peramangkelder I have no worries for my Uncle. Dad said his brother was dead a week ago. They just need to make it official.

I moved back to Minnesota in 2014. My parents had been back here for a year or two. I figured it was safe to move here, since I wanted to see more of my family. I moved into the building where my brother lived. He moved out a few years afterward because he needed to be in a nursing home. Within the first year, my parents were unable to drive the 30 miles over here to visit me or my brother. You never know how much time you have left with your loved ones. In this case, maybe I was a bit too late.
 
win231 said:
I've always thought it's rather interesting (and a bit amusing) that we don't let our pets suffer, but we keep people (sort of) alive until their last breath.
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I agree. I always found it odd that we have professionals to help let our dying pets go yet they try and keep us alive forever. Of course I’m cynical so figure it’s all got to do with money.

In Canada we now have assisted suicide which makes me worry less. I think it should be offered worldwide. Why should humans suffer needlessly.
 
I'm not with my family. They're 30 miles away. I haven't seen them for several months.
 
Another part of planning was to put in place a DNR. Why burden a loved one with that kind of decision? PCP has a copy wife & kids know what is expected & where their copies are.
 
I'm not concerned about death and why should I be? Death is the natural continuum of whatever is present. If it is not death is the only alternative life? Some people are not dead as death is understood, but they are far from living. My youngest brother is not happy and what's more he does recognize nor does he know how to feel happy. That's not living, that's self-incarceration and he is the only person who holds the key to freedom.
He would benefit from medication and therapy, but he is not willing to confront his demons so goes through life living in denial. So sad.

I thought I had a DNR at the time of my GB surgery, but we could not locate it. I'll need to update my DNR and health. proxy
 
When I was about 20 I supported my 'elderly' friend whose husband was dying of bone marrow cancer. He was on a drip - I now know it was morphine. We were called in because they said it was his last moments. I held his hand but got a bit spooked every time he seemed to stop breathing and start again. I think it is called something like the 'death rattle'. The point is that at some stage he tried to move the drip, to disconnect it (if that makes sense). throwing his arm out to pull it off. I said to George, please you mustn't do that and gently pulled his hand back to mine. But all these years later I wonder now if he wanted to go and I had held him back for at least another day. Was he being called up (so to speak). I knew no different then, I thought I was doing the best but it was the way he looked at me when I pulled his hand away from the drip 'feed'. I think he wanted to go but couldn't say so and was indicating such by his actions. Bless him.
 
Treacle said:
When I was about 20 I supported my 'elderly' friend whose husband was dying of bone marrow cancer. He was on a drip - I now know it was morphine. We were called in because they said it was his last moments. I held his hand but got a bit spooked every time he seemed to stop breathing and start again. I think it is called something like the 'death rattle'. The point is that at some stage he tried to move the drip, to disconnect it (if that makes sense). throwing his arm out to pull it off. I said to George, please you mustn't do that and gently pulled his hand back to mine. But all these years later I wonder now if he wanted to go and I had held him back for at least another day. Was he being called up (so to speak). I knew no different then, I thought I was doing the best but it was the way he looked at me when I pulled his hand away from the drip 'feed'. I think he wanted to go but couldn't say so and was indicating such by his actions. Bless him.
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I'm sorry for your burden, I believe life is perfect and everything that happens is perfected by the fact of its occurrence. Try not to think with emotions if you can accomplish this you understand life is neither fair or corrupt life simply is. People who died as a result of COVID-19. Was death a product of sinfulness what else could it be? They died because circumstances made death possible. Life is not remorseful nor does life play favorites, life is without emotion, life is neither happy or sad life is.
 
I had a similar situation. When my mom was 101 and in the hospital, she stopped breathing. Even though she had a DNR, my sister could not let her go. At that point she had macular degeneration and was incontinent. She basically had no quality of life. She lived another year to celebrate her 102nd birthday with my sister and me. She passed away 2 days later. I think she was just waiting to see us one last time.
 
I can accept death for myself as I believe I will be with mum and my brother. I think the problem I have is the suffering that people go through before they pass over. It's the suffering of both humans and animals etc that gets to me all the time. I know this is being idealistic but why can't we all go peacefully. Why do we have to suffer, a question that has always decided to invade my brain when people/animals in my life are at their end. I know there is no logical reason but I just think that we are all going to die at some stage so let us all go peacefully and not in pain or with disease. I can't see the point of pain or disease if we all pass over eventually.
Think I might be stepping into some sort of philosophical discussion or questions about basic physiology? :oops:
 
If I understand correctly, my uncle was knocked unconscious when he had the bicycle accident. He was never conscious while in the hospital. I'd say he never suffered. Dad says his brother went out the way he'd want. He was riding a bike, exercising. He didn't want to be a living vegetable, and die that way.
 
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