Adult child moves back home

D

Dollar

New Member
Location
Kentucky
Greetings All,
I'm new to this site and this topic may have already been discussed. but, my husband and I have two daughters, ages 26 and 24. the oldest has been living in California for the past 8 years and was engaged to be married. That fell apart and she just moved back home 6 months ago.
Well, that was definitely something we had not planned on. and my husband and I both have our sites set on retirement these day; saving money, investing, working jobs still.
We don't mind helping our kids at all. but, our daughter has been depressed and unmotivated to find work and save money so she can move on with her life. I've tried to mom, friend and motivator, but I'm not seeing much from her so far.
I'm so disheartened.
Any body else have an experience like this?
 

It's a real dilemma. We all want to help our kids.. unfortunately, when is it help and when does it become enabling. My experience was when my son got out of the Navy in 2003. My husband and I made a little apartment in our basement for him, complete with a little kitchen and bathroom.. and allowed him to move in there rent free with the intention he take advantage of the GI Bill to complete his education and then move out on his own.

As they say "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" AND it WAS the road to hell. My son did finish his Masters Degree.. but unfortunately was addicted to alcohol and spiraled down. It got very bad, we were actually supporting him and in fear of him. He was unpredictable and when drunk very frightening. Eventually we had to have him physically removed from our home, and refused to let him back. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Eventually, with the help of the VA and their program for addicted veterans, he was able to clean up and get a job with the Post Office.. He now has his own apartment and we stay in touch.. I would help him in the future, but have made it known that he can NEVER under any circumstances move back into my home. The only way I guess would be if he was dying of a terminal illness and needed a place to die.. Sounds harsh.. but eventually one has to think of themselves and their own survival. I still worry about him constantly, but have come to the conclusion that he is responsible for his own life and his own survival. I am no longer going to take responsibility for him and his life. It's too much of a burden for me to bear.. He is not a child... he is a 47 year old man and I am a 68 year old woman. I'm tired.

My advise, Make it a temporary thing..Set a time limit for her to be back out on her own. Don't be an enabler.. It's not doing her any favors.
 
Our adult son moved in with us briefly, after he was done with college and then for a time after he was married and waiting for a visa so he could relocate to England. Although he's a good person, it was a stressful time having him in the home. We were accustomed to our routines and privacy, and now had another "adult" living with us. For a number of reasons, it was a contributing factor in my wife's battle with depression. Things were definitely better when he moved out. We all were happier.

I tend to agree with QS, make sure it's temporary. I think that's critical. Many years ago my adult, much younger brother relocated from the west coast to the east coast and asked if he could stay with us while he looked for a job. We put him up, but I noticed that he didn't seem particularly motivated to look for work. I told him he had to pay a small weekly "rent" to cover all the hot water he was using and food. I also gave him six weeks to find a job and move out. My father thought that was harsh and we had a falling out over it, but you know what? It got my brother off his butt and looking for work. He landed a job and found an apartment. All he needed was a push and the time limit did this. It took some time, but I did repair the relationship with my father too.

Good luck.
 

Been there, done that. Disaster for us. Husband would give the speech to 'save money while living here, etc' and I would watch all the Nordstrom bags come in daily from all the shopping since there was never an expectation of paying for anything. It seemed as if once back home, there was this reversion back to being a child as far as responsibility. Have a move out date in sight and make it perfectly clear there will be no extensions.
 
This is a VERY conflicting thing for a parent. You waffle between wanting to protect them and keep them safe..just like we have done from the moment they were conceived... To knowing that this is not good for them in the long run and the need to protect ourselves. The pain and the worry never goes away.. but I remain firm in my resolve. Because I now refuse to be responsible for him and his decisions, does not mean that I do not love him.. It does not mean I am throwing him to the dogs and not caring.. I will always care. But there comes a time you have to turn them loose and let them sink or swim.
 
My family recently went through this with my nephew (my sister's grandson). We (my sister and I) sought counseling because it was such a heart-wrenching situation. We had to tell him that he could not stay with either one of us and mooch and continue his downward spiraling lifestyle, and had to get out on his own and straighten out his life. Hard as it was to do, we could not enable him to continue his downward spiral at our expense. I strongly believe we did the right thing.
 
Is your daughter in a deep depression or grieving for her former love? Just wondering because that can be extremely debilitating and to my mind, at 6 months, it's still quite fresh.

Within the next few months (the holidays might also be a problem for her) she should begin to at least look for work. Maybe you can convince her that work can save her, because it really can help a person get through grief.

Otherwise, you might need to get tougher.
 
Had a situation with a stepson and wife after he was discharged from the service. My husband and I still were working while they were home all day. The kitchen would be a mess, dishes piled in the sink-- left there for me to do. He tried talking to them but it did no good. She was very immature, would pile her plate full of food and then could not eat it. She would get up from the dinner table and not even take her plate to the sink--then would go to her room. My stepson defended her actions, as if this was their house. Wash was always left in the washer or dryer. Bathrooms left with stuff all over-things that teenagers do. We kind of had to make things less convenient for them and nag them in the way you do with kids to pick up after themselves. Within a few months he found a job and an apartment. I guess we expected them to behave like the adults they were. We had a couple arguments when the behavior was really out of control but we were kind enough to let them move in until they could get on their feet--all we wanted was for them to be respectful. My husband and I agreed that in the future, we would not do that again but rather help pay their rent for a month or two if it ever came to that!
 
Many moons ago I worked with a young man who was earning a steady paycheck, and so he moved out on his own. His choice of where to live didn't work out, so he went back to live with his parents. While he was on his own, they downsized from a house to a smaller apartment. They had disposed of a lot of furniture as well as other possessions. He wound up sleeping on the couch in the living room. In no time at all he was out on his own again.
 
Tough Love is necessary at times when it is clear that you are being used by your adult children for their convenience but disturbs yours...
 
My youngest son is twenty one and has never left home never mind coming back. But for me it works. He contributes money when it's needed and keeps his sister in line. He's also a big help with his Dad. If there was an emergency I couldn't pick my husband up. My son could and he does what he can. As long as he's going to school and helping with the day to day he's welcome to stay.:D
 
My daughter is now living with me after leaving home years ago. We live in an area where home prices and rent have been skyrocketing for 5+ years. There is no way a young person can afford a home or descent apartment unless she works in a very highly paid profession (minimum 80k a year + benefits). Eventually, she will leave but it is most likely she will also have to leave the state. Who knows? Maybe I will follow her to a lower cost of living area where my assets will go farther.
 
I see this from all sides including limits, deadlines, finances etc. But if adult child does move back in make sure they know it's a place to stay, not live. I've seen people let their adult children have the run of the house beyond a bed & access to the kitchen. They've allowed them to all but take over(unfortunately not the bills). They have stuff in every room including mail etc and yet have a room with a desk and drawers. They want their trophies awards displayed etc. And yes they had to be cleaned up after. It became about them and even when the child got a better job their habits did not change. Point being as most have stated set clear cut ground rules if nothing else. I'd make them pay something with regularity even if it's a 20 dollar bill a week. Let them know this is not free. I hate to say it if the adult child moves back in and shows no responsibility and that would include initiative to give something in rent on their own and/or clean, do repairs etc there is probably something else going on. And yes a tough love approach is the only option. If your adult child makes it to mid life you did something right, I don't think a parent owes a child that much at that point. But each parent & child are different.
 

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