Adult Child

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sammyj

New Member
Here's my question : My 29 year old daughter lives at home with her three year old son. I have a home daycare and her son is in my care while she works ( I don't charge and wouldn't think of it) we are currently having a conflict concerning staying over night with her boyfriend. We had a discussion about this and I told her that I would not keep her son (my grandson) for her when she is going to stay overnight with her boyfriend because I personally am against that.

She assured me that her and her boyfriend had decided that they would not longer stay overnight with each other because they too thought it was wrong, twice since we have had that discussion she has left her son in my care not to return until the next day. This weekend she asked me to care for her son so that she could travel with her boyfriend to North Carolina to return his visiting daughter to her mother and stay overnight but I told I would not do it so now she is walking around here not speaking.

I realize that if those two are determined to spend the night they can. I have analyzed my decision over and over I don't want to control her because she is an adult but I also don't feel it is right for me to "so to speak" uphold her choices that go against my values and morals. Anyone have any thoughts on this.

Also an additional question the boyfriend in question FB inboxed me asking for my blessings to propose to my daughter. I don't have a problem with him proposing to her and their ultimate marriage but and I did inbox him back (have not know him that long) is it wrong if I feel that we should have a face to face conversation as well. He is 36 has been married before and has 4 children from previous relationships. This is such a big issue for us all because we are all Christians and the boyfriend is in the ministry.
 

OK, so he is in the ministry, correct? And they spend the nights together presumably to have sex, correct? And even though all of you discussed this and collectively have decided that this practice will not continue, the over-night stays have continued, correct? And now because you have refused to be part of something that you all have agreed to is immoral and goes against your convictions she is upset with you and will not speak to you, correct? And he asked you for your daughter's hand in marriage via social media, correct?

My opinion; I believe there is a 'perfect storm' brewing and it may not be long before it hits. To give you a better answer, I would advise you to stick to your guns and hold fast, so long as the daughter and/or boyfriend does not take it out on the child, which I have seen happen. The child's welfare should come first, but at the same time your feelings and convictions must also count. If push comes to shove and you believe that the child may be in jeopardy, then sometimes we have to swallow our morality concern and do what's best for the child. If you are secure with your feelings that the child is not in any peril, then hold tight and let her whimper.
 
My grandson's welfare is not an issue they both are loving and great parents and boyfriend is kind to my grandson and spends time with him. According to my daughter at the start of relationship there was to be no sex until marriage and she says there has been none ( which I don't totally believe) but anyhow I do plan to stick to my convictions. There a spiritual issues at hand for me and I think they both wrestle with their spirituality in this matter. My struggle was if I was right in handling this situation as I did since I was dealing with two adults. My daughter is not a teenager and I didn't want to treat her as such but I believe that as an adult she has a right to her choices and as a parent I have a right to my response to her choices. Oh but a thought just occurred to me she is acting like a teenager by not speaking to me. You know what oldman I'm good!!!!! Thanks for your response but if anyone else has any thoughts on this issue please respond especially on he proposal end of it.
 

I think as an adult, your daughter should be able to make her own decisions regarding her life. If it is so much against your Christian values to watch the child when she is staying with her boyfriend/fiancée, then you should by all means refuse to babysit. It's her option to get another caretaker for her child if her mother is not willing to do it.
 
Even though she is your daughter, and 29 years old, she is still living in YOUR home. Unfortunately, sometimes adult children will "want their way" even if living back at home. If you end up feeling "bad" b/c you let your moral beliefs go "bye, bye" so you can get along with your daughter, I feel that you are wrong. To me, doesn't sound like your daughter cares about how you feel! Adult children can sometimes do that after be out of the home and then returning. No, she is not a child or teen anymore, but that fact still remains.........it is YOUR home and YOUR moral beliefs!
BTW, there is a thing called "tough love" that many parent don't want to use on their children, no matter what age they are, but should be used. Your daughter is an adult, but how much of a responsible adult is she.........that's really for YOU to figure out.

Hummmmmm, her boyfriend is in the ministry and possibly having sex with her...........before marriage??? Wonder how the church Lead Pastor would feel about this? But, then again, their are churches out that don't exactly act like Christian/moral type churches.
 
Hard for me to understand this one! A 29 year old woman can't have sex with her boyfriend because....?? Or, do you mean she can't stay away overnight?Even if they don't spend the night together doesn't mean they can't have sex in the daytime/evening, does it?And why not, anyway?Do you believe that a man and woman can't have sex unless they are married?
On the proposal; odd, doing it through social media, but perhaps he is nervous about meeting you, given the circumstances.if you alienate your grown up daughter, she may marry this man, move away and you will not see your grandchild.What matters most?
 
If he is in the Ministry, I really wonder how the church Clergy feels about him having sex with this girl......out of marriage. Most likely the church Clergy don't know that he is doing this, if in fact he is. Christians are taught to not have sex outside of marriage, but some Christians are much more liberal with their beliefs than others.
I still see the mother being IN-CHARGE as she owns the home. She just can't allow the daughter to run her life like this. But, if the mother does choose to let her daughter "do what she wants to", then the mother simply has NO room to complain about what the daughter does.
 
Well, as a young adult, I moved back in with my folks briefly a couple times. My dad's position was "my roof, my rules." He wouldn't have tried to control what I did, but he wouldn't have agreed to babysit for me while I was out overnight (except for work) either. And I would never have put them in a difficult position by asking them to do so. I respected my parents and their sensibilities and opinions, especially in their own home, even if I did not agree. That daughter should find another babysitter, or forget the whole thing. OR move out and get her own home, where she can run her life as she chooses.
 
There is nothing wrong with having adult kids at home if you don't mind. BUT if someone is living at home or with anyone else's place for that matter to me that should be viewed as temporary or just be happy to have a place to live/roof over your head. If you live with someone else you can't expect to live like someone who has their own place. I know of people where their adult children living at home actually wanted everyone else to go out for the evening so they could entertain party style-Noooo. You can give them free rain of the house, kitchen, etc but as long as they realize it's a place for them to live, survive, exist, rest etc. It's not about their life but survival. It's actually better for the tenant especially if they want a certain lifestyle because it's incentive to get their own place.

First priority in life-survive. Not lifestyle, career or "enjoyment". Survival and/or basic survival skills need to be taught/emphasized. If they are ordering out every night and not clipping coupons they are not learning how to survive ie save enough money as an example.

Be happy to exist.
 
I would ask this 29 year old to look for alternate accommodation, regardless of Puritan values.
If she and her future husband are both working, they can afford their own lodgings and PAID daycare.
Asking you, sammyj, for permission to sleep with boyfriend is very strange, but as 'oldman' suggests, the child's "welfare" must come first.
 
I agree that at 29,she should find her own place to live-because she knows your views and apparently does not want to respect them. And you are very right in feeling that a FB request for your blessing is pretty lame. And third,if you do daycare all day-not only for him but for others-you should not be asked nor expected to provide childcare on nights or weekends. I watch my 3 month old granddaughter and believe me,when the nights come, I am beat. I have foster children as well and this is the reason I don`t take little ones-I just don`t have the stamina for that!
 

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