Am I mistaken in thinking the answer to all my troubles is to meet a good partner, (and she the same?)?

I found this here somewhere on SF and think it's the best thing I've ever read about long term relationships. And I can speak from experience, having been married for a very long time. The only bit I don't go along with is the beginning "If you see a married couple still in love". I think that's just romantic nonsense, being "in love" doesn't last very long, but the rest is spot on IMO.

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mellowyellow said:
I found this here somewhere on SF and think it's the best thing I've ever read about long term relationships. And I can speak from experience, having been married for a very long time. The only bit I don't go along with is the beginning "If you see a married couple still in love". I think that's just romantic nonsense, being "in love" doesn't last very long, but the rest is spot on IMO.

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No, surely some couples who have been married a long time are very much in love with one another, (though I admit they may not appear to be when observed by others whilst dealing with all the tribulations in life!)!!! :)
 
I took the quizzes and had a 2.4 for the first one and 4.5 for the second one. Don't know if I did them right, but that's what I got.
Now, does it mean anything? To me, it takes attraction to get to first base with the other person. If you're not attracted to someone how are you going to get close enough to form a relationship with them? So I think attraction is important at first. Also, marriage takes work, but the rewards are priceless.

Being a widow of several years now, I miss the feeling of having someone who knows what I like and does it for me without being asked, or who appreciates me and loves me for myself, unconditionally. I miss the togetherness we both experienced. I wrote tons of poems about him after he died, but the funny thing is, I didn't realize how much I loved him and how much he had gotten to be a part of me until he was gone. We were "two peas in a pod." Oh well. Life's not perfect, but there's a saying by Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved."
 

palides2021 said:
I took the quizzes and had a 2.4 for the first one and 4.5 for the second one. Don't know if I did them right, but that's what I got.
Now, does it mean anything? To me, it takes attraction to get to first base with the other person. If you're not attracted to someone how are you going to get close enough to form a relationship with them? So I think attraction is important at first. Also, marriage takes work, but the rewards are priceless.
Being a widow of several years now, I miss the feeling of having someone who knows what I like and does it for me without being asked, or who appreciates me and loves me for myself, unconditionally. I miss the togetherness we both experienced. I wrote tons of poems about him after he died, but the funny thing is, I didn't realize how much I loved him and how much he had gotten to be a part of me until he was gone. We were "two peas in a pod." Oh well. Life's not perfect, but there's a saying by Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved."
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Really wonderful post if you dont mind my saying, and I agree completely about the "attraction" comment you made, and I agree a survey or questionaire can hardly figure that one out, especially as its hard to say what makes us feel someone is attractive ourselves! :giggle:
 
Gaer said:
hahaha! My personal criteria for a "soul mate" would be IMPOSSIBLE for any earthly man to fill!
He would have to be an articulate Shakespearean poet who looks like Grizzly Adams and would have to be as WEIRD as I am!
And we would live "over the rainbow".
hahaha! He doesn't exist!

Oh! and The answer to your question: Yes, you are mistaken. IMO
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Yes he does, I just saw him on a dating site tonight! 🤣
 
mellowyellow said:
I found this here somewhere on SF and think it's the best thing I've ever read about long term relationships. And I can speak from experience, having been married for a very long time. The only bit I don't go along with is the beginning "If you see a married couple still in love". I think that's just romantic nonsense, being "in love" doesn't last very long, but the rest is spot on IMO.

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With the right partner "being in love" can last as long as you both want it to. ❤️
 
Lavinia said:
This is actually the reason why so many relationships fail...people expecting too much from their partner.
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You have to be right, certainly if someone wishes their partner/spouse to be "perfect", or even if they try to change the other person so they're more close to whatever ideal they have in their minds.

At the same time I do feel the boost you feel when you have the company of someone you enjoy being with, find constant things you wish to share with or talk about, or "unload" sometimes, can be like nothing else in life, (shame it hasn't worked out for me hey!!!). :)
 
palides2021 said:
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved."
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Very true, I was once told that "all relationships end badly". There is something to that, doesn't mean the relationships were bad - just not many happy endings.

I have a friend who's parents were quite elderly and had been happily married many years. They were in a car wreck and both died pretty quickly. A few months later he told me that he saw it as a good thing, both lived long and happy lives and neither had to see the other go. Something to think about...
 
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Did not answer the OP questions, I thought missed some important facets of marriage. It's a lot more complicated. Also have never been married because I've always expected I was not going to live long (splenic pseudoaneurysm age 20) that would be irresponsible to wife and children. That noted I've always wanted to have an immensely deep loving relationship like my parents had together. I see that dream sans children as still possible even at age 73.

Marriage in this modern era in urban areas has lots of land mines so is a scary proposition unless two people spend lots of months increasingly getting to know each other well, find a common vision for a future, and are able to communicate well honestly with trust both in good times and bad. For example, in the modern era there is real danger to marriage from those with a tendency for substance abuse or Internet porn. My own sense of marriage has always been something that is supposed to last a lifetime so one better be sure. Once married one needs to accept not lusting after others.

As a young man saw plenty of marriages that looked likely to fail and indeed didn't last. Most pessimistic are those that began from lust with unintended pregnancies. Especially with men or women without monogamous attitudes, lacking self control, quick to cheat. Also men that flaunt their wealth, material status, and social power that some women may be all too willing to compromise for but as soon as rough seas appear don't have long term commitment. There are many people that communicate poorly, are habitually overly emotional, and have poor interpersonal social intelligence that are likely doomed. The modern world would be much better if related people like our ancestors lived together in multi generation extended families where there can be far more support and wisdom.
 
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Murrmurr said:
Yes, you are mistaken. However, it might well be the answer to some of your troubles.
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Moi?

(If it is myself being referred to I quite like it, if for no other reason than I suspect some people, like myself maybe, are just "better" when in a "positive/loving partnership" I believe, because you can obviously share what's on your mind more easily, and maybe don't have to come burdening folks on forums like this one so much,...., "one can hope hey"!). :)
 
David777 said:
Did not answer the OP questions, I thought missed some important facets of marriage. It's a lot more complicated. Also have never been married because I've always expected I was not going to live long (splenic pseudoaneurysm age 20) that would be irresponsible to wife and children. That noted I've always wanted to have an immensely deep loving relationship like my parents had together. I see that dream sans children as still possible even at age 73.

Marriage in this modern era in urban areas has lots of land mines so is a scary proposition unless two people spend lots of months increasingly getting to know each other well, find a common vision for a future, and are able to communicate well honestly with trust both in good times and bad. For example, in the modern era there is real danger to marriage from those with a tendency for substance abuse or Internet porn. My own sense of marriage has always been something that is supposed to last a lifetime so one better be sure. Once married one needs to accept not lusting after others.

As a young man saw plenty of marriages that looked likely to fail and indeed didn't last. Most pessimistic are those that began from lust with unintended pregnancies. Especially with men or women without monogamous attitudes, lacking self control, quick to cheat. Also men that flaunt their wealth, material status, and social power that some women may be all too willing to compromise for but as soon as rough seas appear don't have long term commitment. There are many people that communicate poorly, are habitually overly emotional, and have poor interpersonal social intelligence that are likely doomed. The modern world would be much better if related people like our ancestors lived together in multi generation extended families where there can be far more support and wisdom.
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Excellent post, that's clear to us all I'm sure, and the only question I would raise concerns your last line, (though I'd be splitting hairs even there, by suggesting lifelong loving relationships between couples/parents was a fundamental building block of societies throughout most of human history).
 
David777 said:
Did not answer the OP questions, I thought missed some important facets of marriage. It's a lot more complicated. Also have never been married because I've always expected I was not going to live long (splenic pseudoaneurysm age 20) that would be irresponsible to wife and children. That noted I've always wanted to have an immensely deep loving relationship like my parents had together. I see that dream sans children as still possible even at age 73.

Marriage in this modern era in urban areas has lots of land mines so is a scary proposition unless two people spend lots of months increasingly getting to know each other well, find a common vision for a future, and are able to communicate well honestly with trust both in good times and bad. For example, in the modern era there is real danger to marriage from those with a tendency for substance abuse or Internet porn. My own sense of marriage has always been something that is supposed to last a lifetime so one better be sure. Once married one needs to accept not lusting after others.

As a young man saw plenty of marriages that looked likely to fail and indeed didn't last. Most pessimistic are those that began from lust with unintended pregnancies. Especially with men or women without monogamous attitudes, lacking self control, quick to cheat. Also men that flaunt their wealth, material status, and social power that some women may be all too willing to compromise for but as soon as rough seas appear don't have long term commitment. There are many people that communicate poorly, are habitually overly emotional, and have poor interpersonal social intelligence that are likely doomed. The modern world would be much better if related people like our ancestors lived together in multi generation extended families where there can be far more support and wisdom.
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Lust? Hmmmm. One can have lust in a monogamous relationship if only both parties were communicating honestly with one another. However, if one partner can't or refuses to fulfill the needs of the other, then there needs to be a change of some kind in order for both parties to be happy. Of course, that requires good communication and a willingness to compromise.
Habitual overly emotional? What exactly does that mean and how does this apply.
Poor interpersonal social intelligence?
Please cite and define examples of these two particular traits that you think will doom a relationship.
In my opinion, love, true and genuine love can certainly overcome these foilbles.
Lots of people who are "mismatched" escape the "doom" you are speaking of here.
All of this is just my opinion because I am a hopeless romantic who is still searching for the "right" one. I am so eccentric but genuine, that it is either a turn on or off which is good because that separates the wheat from the chaff. LOL In other words, just be your genuine self, there are no guarantees. Let love be the deciding factor. Fall deeply, don't hold back. ❤️ ❤️ = ❤️
 
grahamg said:
Moi?

(If it is myself being referred to I quite like it, if for no other reason than I suspect some people, like myself maybe, are just "better" when in a "positive/loving partnership" I believe, because you can obviously share what's on your mind more easily, and maybe don't have to come burdening folks on forums like this one so much,...., "one can hope hey"!). :)
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For my part, it is not a burden that you share your inmost angst or joy. I think it serves us all when there is open and honest communication. If it helps you "burden" away. We all do or should feel that we can. Let's be realistic, my friend. :)
 
palides2021 said:
I took the quizzes and had a 2.4 for the first one and 4.5 for the second one. Don't know if I did them right, but that's what I got.
Now, does it mean anything? To me, it takes attraction to get to first base with the other person. If you're not attracted to someone how are you going to get close enough to form a relationship with them? So I think attraction is important at first. Also, marriage takes work, but the rewards are priceless.

Being a widow of several years now, I miss the feeling of having someone who knows what I like and does it for me without being asked, or who appreciates me and loves me for myself, unconditionally. I miss the togetherness we both experienced. I wrote tons of poems about him after he died, but the funny thing is, I didn't realize how much I loved him and how much he had gotten to be a part of me until he was gone. We were "two peas in a pod." Oh well. Life's not perfect, but there's a saying by Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved."
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My motto: "If you have loved and lost, love again as soon as possible." Your heart is big enough for many people including lovers in my opinion. Don't hide it under a bushel basket. There are many people who need that love. :)
 
IFortuna said:
My motto: "If you have loved and lost, love again as soon as possible." Your heart is big enough for many people including lovers in my opinion. Don't hide it under a bushel basket. There are many people who need that love. :)
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Sadly though, there are too many people who will take that love and give nothing back. It's like pouring water into the desert.
 
Lavinia said:
Sadly though, there are too many people who will take that love and give nothing back. It's like pouring water into the desert.
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Its possible too that they actually believe it when they say you didn't love them, (because you didn't love yourself, or some such guff!). :((n)
 

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