Yes. Too many reminders connected to loss.
My mother loved Christmas, up until she and Dad split and it was just me and her she baked from Thanksgiving to Christmas. And she got excited about decorating and giving gifts. But our first Christmas just the two of us i (all of 11-12 yrs old) decorated the 4 ft tree myself while she went 'out'. Her joy in it was somewhat renewed when my younger brother from her 2nd marriage was small. She died in 1985. So many things we never cleared the air about. Dad died in 1995, but i cared for him at the end and we squared some things away.
My first husband was killed on 12/10/78, our boys were 3 1/2 yrs old. Most years it's not to bad--but sometimes the grief ambushes me. My (our) only grandchild has birthday 12/5. He turned 15 this year. Some years the sadness that they never got to meet in this life gets to me.
My eldest sister was a solstice baby, just days before Christmas. She was a wild teen (the Song 'Redneck Woman' always makes me think of her), but she was a devoted Mom to 5 (3 boys then 2 girls). Both when we all lived together and later in my life she was always there for emotional support. She died in 2012 or 2013. Like our Dad she wasn't much of a letter writer but she'd call out of the blue or show up at your door, and her door was always open to family.
Most years i can focus on positives. But these last few have extra stressful. i realized last week that the relentless waning of my stamina with age (the last 3-4 just enough to be noticeable, but i have to keep adjusting my 'pace' of getting things done) is not just a physical issue, but is felt as loss of part of my identity.
i was always like the energizer bunny---i kept going till the job was done. Now i have to break all the simplest projects into multiple smaller 'jobs'. So i can get them done without exhausting myself but still feel productive. This hits me hard at Christmas because most of my adult life--i did lots for it. If daughter didn't live with me i'd probably by gifts in early fall send them to kids/grandson by 10th of December and do very little for the holiday for myself.
And i think i'm noticing the changes in stamina more because i was in a bad bout of depression from 2016-2020, did a lot of self-care and self-work 2018 to 2020. And i get lethargic when depressed and wrote off my doing less to that. But last couple of years doing better, especially since started meditating more again in January of 2023. And so i've noticed the physical limits more.
At any rate, one of my strategies for coping is to 1) Identify WHAT i'm feeling and the why if i can (usually can) 2) feel it to the fullest. 3) Determine if anything i can do about the 'why'. 4) If yes, do it. If no work on acceptance.
