Blonde Funnies.

A blind man wandered into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat behind the bar 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb., blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks about it, then shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
 
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.​
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Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.​
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."​


 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."

 
  • A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

 
Hanging Blonde

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
Two blondes were in a bar buying drinks for everyone, celebrating in a big way. The bartender asked what the happy occasion was. They said the just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time. How quick did you get done,asked the bartender. It only took seven months said one of the blondes.Seven months! said the bartender.That doesn't seem fast at all. Oh yeah said the other blonde, it said right on the box three to five years!
 
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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.


When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied,


'It's Lent'.


In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
 
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