Caring for your 100 year old mother

D

Dubee

Member
Question: My cousin’s husband promised his Dad he would take care of his Mother in her own home until she died. That was 15 years ago. She is now 100 years old, still in great health, but has Dementia. She is very mean and abusive because of her Dementia, and her son has put his retirement on hold to care for her in-spite of the verbal abuse. His health is beginning to decline because of all the care he gives his Mother, and none of his siblings help. He can’t afford to hire help. He refuses to break his promise to his Dad. Any recommendations or advice for this poor man?
 

Although we do promise to look after the old folk until the end, nobody knows what the future holds for us. This dear old lady can go on for a few more years but her son's health is more important now. I'm sure his Father would forgive him if he eventually has to put his Mother in full-time care. Watch the siblings come forward quickly when the Mother passes on, wanting to know what her Will reads. He should speak with a Social Worker and tell them of his concerns. He can only give her 12 hours care whereas a nurse in care gives her 24 hours care.
 
I understand wanting to keep his promise, but it's becoming beyond him to properly care for his mother at this point, and his health is now compromised because of it.

If he refuses to break his promise and can't afford to hire help, the only other thing I can think of is to seek some help that might be provided depending on the type of health care that she has. Does his mother have health insurance? Medicare/Medicaid? If so, he could reach out to them to see what services they provide in her case. He'll eventually have to give up the ship when it becomes impossible for him to care for her on his own, and it will.

I wonder why his siblings don't step up to help their mother and him.
 

I was in the same situation. I did finally realize I could not keep her at home. It was no longer safe for her when the dementia started. My Mom kept forgetting to wait for me to help her up and had many falls, broken bones, a brain bleed. Some times there is not an option left. That seems like the case in this situation.
 
There's a lot of guilt about "putting mom/dad in a home". But as your parent rings up the birthdays, so does the amount of care needed. And the "kids" are about only 20+ or so years behind; they are aging, too, With dementia, that's a 24/7 job. Nobody is up to that. It's one thing when "care" means tucking in mom, at night; and another when mom is frying pot holders at 4 AM. A home is the place for mom.
 
Dubee said:
Question: My cousin’s husband promised his Dad he would take care of his Mother in her own home until she died. That was 15 years ago. She is now 100 years old, still in great health, but has Dementia. She is very mean and abusive because of her Dementia, and her son has put his retirement on hold to care for her in-spite of the verbal abuse. His health is beginning to decline because of all the care he gives his Mother, and none of his siblings help. He can’t afford to hire help. He refuses to break his promise to his Dad. Any recommendations or advice for this poor man?
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Ask him what he would do if he asked his son to care for his mother after his death and the from the grave he learned that this same situation occurred. What would he tell his son to do?
 
Well I'm sure Dad would have asked son to promise, when dad was believing mum would have all her faculties until she died. Without even knowing these people, I can bet the father would agree that mother needs medical care now, and that the son cannot put his own health in jeopardy to care for her...
 
Reality clearly trumps sentiment

My dad promised my mom he’d look after her no matter what. After my moms stroke, she became in need of 24/7 medical care. After driving him to visit with her for 6 months while finding a home for them both, my dad took it upon himself to kidnap her from hospital. He had no drivers license but was 100% certain they could go on one last cruise together. Needless to say the end result was disastrous. Luckily they are together sharing the same room being well cared for by professionals who know what they are doing. Some life situations cannot support well intentioned promises.
 
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Bella said:
I understand wanting to keep his promise, but it's becoming beyond him to properly care for his mother at this point, and his health is now compromised because of it.

If he refuses to break his promise and can't afford to hire help, the only other thing I can think of is to seek some help that might be provided depending on the type of health care that she has. Does his mother have health insurance? Medicare/Medicaid? If so, he could reach out to them to see what services they provide in her case. He'll eventually have to give up the ship when it becomes impossible for him to care for her on his own, and it will.

I wonder why his siblings don't step up to help their mother and him.
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I was in a similar situation with a father who had always been abusive. Dememtia did not improve that. Others don't help because the son is taking care of all of it. They like things just the way they are.
 
Dubee said:
Question: My cousin’s husband promised his Dad he would take care of his Mother in her own home until she died. That was 15 years ago. She is now 100 years old, still in great health, but has Dementia. She is very mean and abusive because of her Dementia, and her son has put his retirement on hold to care for her in-spite of the verbal abuse. His health is beginning to decline because of all the care he gives his Mother, and none of his siblings help. He can’t afford to hire help. He refuses to break his promise to his Dad. Any recommendations or advice for this poor man?
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Putting her in a good care situation is not breaking his promise to his dad.
 
DebraMae said:
I was in a similar situation with a father who had always been abusive. Dememtia did not improve that. Others don't help because the son is taking care of all of it. They like things just the way they are.
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officerripley said:
Very common situation. In fact, I can't think of any of the situations that I know of where the carer got any help at all from even 1 sibling.
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Yes, of course, I know there are reasons why siblings don't help. I was asking @Dubee, in particular, about her cousin's husband's circumstance. 😉 Maybe she'll come back and answer.
 
I remember back in 2009 when my husband took a turn for the worse. He was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and Rectal Cancer. I rang a Palliative Hospital crying because I didn't know what to do. I told them of the circumstances, and they said they would send an ambulance to pick him up. When I told him they were coming he got very distressed and didn't want to go. I told him if it was me that needed that care, would he send me to hospital and he answered "yes". He did go with them and after 2 weeks he passed away. It was a blessing in disguise.
At the end of June, the hospital sent out an invitation to all those that lost a loved one as they were having a "Special Service" and to bring a photo to put up in remembrance of them. It was a beautiful service, and a candle was lit in honour of the said person. We were all crying when we heard the song, "The Prayer" and when I came out of the Chapel, I looked at the full moon and felt an instant relief, because he had gone to a better place. This is in remembrance of my dear beloved who passed away on 6th June 2009.
 
may he rest in peace oscash - and peace unto you as you acknowledge him and his memories! Personally I have always thought it nice to write small epitaphs or histories [his story] if you care to share. Blessings from all the holy ones and all friends and acquaintances
 
davey said:
may he rest in peace oscash - and peace unto you as you acknowledge him and his memories! Personally I have always thought it nice to write small epitaphs or histories [his story] if you care to share. Blessings from all the holy ones and all friends and acquaintances
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Thank you so much Davey I really appreciate your words. He was a terrific guy with a great sense of humor. Although there were 14 years difference in our ages, age never made a difference to us. He was 36 and I was 22. They all said "it wouldn't last" but we proved them wrong., 47 years together. We have two lovely boys who are successful in their chosen fields. No Epitaph on his headstone yet, waiting for me to pass on but it will read, "We only Part - to Meet Again". The word MIZPAH will be included as my father had this engraved inside my mother's wedding Band.
Worn (as by lovers) to Signify Remembrance.
 
My mom made that promise to my grandmother and eventually moved into her home to care for her. It nearly killed my mom, she wasn't physically, mentally or emotionally capable of caring for grandma as dementia and other health issue kept piling up. It was absolutly awful, seeing that I will never make that kind of promise.

Grandma actually rebounded after going to a nursing home, proper care, monitored meds and some social mingling was good for her.

Your cousins husband made a promise not knowing the true implications, I don't think he should have to endure years of hardship trying to keep it, it's asking too much.
 
Dubee said:
Question: My cousin’s husband promised his Dad he would take care of his Mother in her own home until she died. That was 15 years ago. She is now 100 years old, still in great health, but has Dementia. She is very mean and abusive because of her Dementia, and her son has put his retirement on hold to care for her in-spite of the verbal abuse. His health is beginning to decline because of all the care he gives his Mother, and none of his siblings help. He can’t afford to hire help. He refuses to break his promise to his Dad. Any recommendations or advice for this poor man?
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The dad was wrong in asking his son to keep a promise like that. This man needs to realize it. He is over his head and he has no obligation to risk his own health to take care of this demented woman with no quality of life. She needs nursing home placement ASAP. It is a studied fact that people taking care of family members with dementia can shorten their own lives. It's severe stress. He should have never made that promise and it should never have been asked of him. He needs family to tell him it's OK to let this woman go. Mother or not.
 

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