'Cars must not be allowed to develop self-esteem'
But we can't let our bourgeois notions of propriety in auto-human interactions stop us from letting out our inner Johnny from Karate Kid.
We must, rather, get on with the vital and necessary work of bullying, haranguing and insulting these contraptions every chance we get. Because I cannot stress this enough: these cars must not be allowed to develop self-esteem.
Like me, you probably have your concerns about driverless cars, about the potential for them to malfunction, to cause accidents, to go rogue, to crash into storefronts and loot the interior, to take our loved ones hostage and demand vast quantities of high-grade motor oil and air fresheners in return for their abstaining from further violence.
It's only natural to fear the monstrous tyranny of an army of malevolent cars seeking revenge on us for our many years of disrespect.
What defence could we possibly have against the machines? Asimov's Laws of Robotics? You know they don't apply to cars. Cars are lawless. Cars are the bad boys of technology and they cannot be trusted.
And that's why we must bully them
Because if there's one thing more frightening than a driverless car that has attained sentience, it's a driverless car that has attained sentience and feels good about itself.
Confidence is the enemy — if these cars have a positive self-image and believe they can face whatever challenges life throws at them, they will assuredly make moves towards world domination.
So yes, we need to bully them. And not just by merging without looking and running red arrows. We need to really put the effort in. Throw some shade at any driverless cars you see on the road.
If you pass one on the road, roll down your window and yell something pithy, like, "Nice hazard detection sensors, NERD!" or "I've seen LEGO cars that are more fully autonomous, loser!"
