Children whose parents "did not", or "could not" love one another

[grahamg]

Another thread on aspects of divorce, or separation of parents, (maybe even those parents who never chose to to marry or live together but created a child nonetheless).

It often happens I'd suggest, after a divorce/separation of parents, that the question of whether or not the parents ever truly loved one another arises, (perhaps in the minds of the children affected by the split if no one else).

Nowadays there seems to be a common enough tactic (or fashion?), for denigrating "biological fathers", as though they didn't have any more involvement in the creation of the child than the gift of their DNA, (much like a sperm donor, though there is the obvious difference they did at least know the woman they created the child with, "at some level or other").

However, looking at things in a different light, whether or not our own parents loved one another, (even "truly loved one another" in the sense that they couldn't live without one another, and stuck the marriage through thick and thin), will have had a significant impact on our own childhoods and maybe our view of this world throughout it, from the way they were, what they chose to say and do when bringing us up and so on, (the commitment they showed to their children as well as to each other).

I often seem to hear the view "most men" wont turn down s*x with an attractive female, and there are no moral considerations in their minds, but I'd say when this leads to children being born, the way we did once feel about the mother plays a big part in how we are able to feel towards our children, (maybe mothers dont have this kind of aspect to their love of their children?).

 

[grahamg]

Some research here:
https://www.techexplorist.com/love-between-parents-affects-children/30059/

Quote:
"While completing the responsibilities of parenting, parents often put their relationship on the back burner. Still, according to a new study, when spouses love each other, children stay in school longer and marry later in life.

The study suggests that a loving, stable, and responsive relationship with you is fundamental to your child’s development. It lets children learn how to think, understand, communicate, behave, show emotions, and develop social skills."
Break
"Scientists are further planning to investigate why parental love impacts children in this way. They speculate that when parents love each other, they tend to invest more in their children, leading to children remaining in education longer.

The children’s home environments may also be happier when parents report loving each other, so the children may be less likely to escape into their marriages. Children may also view their parents as role models and take longer to seek similar marriages."

Break

“The result that these measures of love have independent consequences is also important. Love is not irrelevant; variations in parental love do have a consequence.“

(The study was conducted by the University of Michigan in collaboration with McGill University in Quebec)

 

[Been There]

Sometimes couples get along better after a divorce than they did while they were married.

 

[grahamg]

Sometimes couples get along better after a divorce than they did while they were married.

Some do, I've met few, but I have to say it is a very few, and some took years and long court battles to get to such a peaceful situation.

A very well meaning lady I knew when my marriage broke up, (my ex had kept her horse at this lady and her husbands small farm, so they were only acquaintances), said how the important thing was to surround our child with love, and this we tried to do, putting aside the churned up feelings we had (or I had anyway), as much as possible.

The points made in the OP still apply though dont they, about the need for love between the parents in the first place wherever possible(?).

 

[grahamg]

Here is some more research, (only slightly related to the thread topic):
https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-a-parents-affection-shapes-a-childs-happiness-for-life/

Quote:
"How often do you hug your children?

We all live busy, stressful lives and have endless concerns as parents, but it is clear that one of the most important things we need to do is to stop and give our kids a big loving squeeze. Research over the past decade highlights the link between affection in childhood and health and happiness in the future.

According to Child Trends – the leading nonprofit research organization in the United States focused on improving the lives and prospects of children, youth, and their families – science supports the idea that warmth and affection expressed by parents to their children results in life-long positive outcomes for those children.

Higher self-esteem, improved academic performance, better parent-child communication, and fewer psychological and behavior problems have been linked to this type of affection. On the other hand, children who do not have affectionate parents tend to have lower self esteem and to feel more alienated, hostile, aggressive, and anti-social.

There have been a number of recent studies that highlight the relationship between parental affection and children’s happiness and success."

 

[grahamg]

I just wanted to throw in a couple of anecdotes concerning my own child when she was not much more than a baby, well about eighteen months old and speaking reasonably well as you'll see, (her first word btw was "dada", as you know who is my witness, "though "recollections vary", according to the account given to my child by her mother! ).

My daughter awoke in the middle of the night crying and upset so I went to pick her up from her cot and tried my best to comfort ther by saying, "There's nothing the matter".

Her response was a classic showing a remarkable level of logic, and it was, "There must be something"!

The second anecdote is similar in that it involves my daughter when things were upsetting her or she wasn't feeling very well, and it was the fact my daughter told her mother, "Daddy makes me feel better"!

My then ex. came to resent this fact and ended up saying I'd undermined her confidence by doing whatever I'd done,........, (my feeling being I'd done all I could to reduce the stress of child rearing for her, and thereby help both her and our daughter, "but what can you expect when marriages break up, and all the love has gone, if there was any in the first place in her case! ).