Choosing your battles, expert advice on relationships

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
Do you believe in this?

Quote:
"Expert Tips for Picking Your Relationship Battles Wisely
  1. Only fight about issues that are truly important. Evaluate the consequences of an argument. ...
  2. Make a plan. Take a moment to calm down and think through the problem. ...
  3. Pause for the cause. Review your motivation. ...
  4. Don't react immediately. ...
  5. Choose the right time. ...
  6. Talk; don't yell. ...
  7. Agree to disagree. ...
  8. Communicate."
https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/expert-tips-picking-relationship-battles-wisely/story?id=30116974

(I found a comment on another thread similar to the thread title, and thought it worth its own discussion, though I'll withhold my reservations till others have had a chance to give their views)
 

Totally agree with this. I was never a good fighter anyway. When we were younger, I used to write my husband letters if something was bothering me. Didn’t have the heart to tell him to his face 🥴

But I always chose my battles with the kids too. Somethings, like the length of their hair, or a not perfectly kept bedroom, just weren’t worth arguing over.
 
if we "never pass up an opportunity to shut up" how will we ever get things worked out or be able to stand up for ourselves or get what we want from time to time? that statement basically says to me "just roll over and let them have their way."
 
MarciKS said:
if we "never pass up an opportunity to shut up" how will we ever get things worked out or be able to stand up for ourselves or get what we want from time to time? that statement basically says to me "just roll over and let them have their way."
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Yes and No, (I think!?).
If those "choosing their battles" are also planning, "Not to get mad but to get even", (maybe a policy my daughter followed sometimes I believe!), then they're certainly not rolling over in any long term sense of them phrase are they(?).
However, this leads me to one of my reservations about the thread topic, choosing your battles etc., if it means folks harbour grudges, that not great obviously, and the Machiavellian aspect of it comes to mind, if you're simply making yourself into a more formidable opponent by choosing your battles wise!y, (it isn't a message of "Turn the other cheek" is it, to come full circle).
 
MarciKS said:
True but I don't think we should be forced to just keep quiet and give in all the time. That's ludicrous. I don't mind turning the other cheek but not so I can constantly get my ass kicked.
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I totally agree, (hence the "Yes and No" comment above).

You certainly do have to learn to stand up for yourself in whatever way is appropriate, otherwise there are plenty ready to walk all over you.
"I'm blessed" with some so called friends, whose main gambit appears to be to try to assert some kind of superiority over you, be it in terms of knowledge, (usually about your own business), and decisions you've taken, when they're ever so ready to dole out contrary advice, repeating it endlessly, rather than accept you've made your decision and intend to stick to it.
You're then left with the option of ignoring it, (yet again, explaining yourself again, or getting annoyed at the constant or endless criticism, but when you do they're ever so ready to call you out because you've reacted to their provocation.
In the end you know they're "taking the p***," (you know what!), and proving the extent of the friendship they're offering, whether they're to be trusted etc., and if you wish to keep them as a friend, because they do have a better side to their character, when they choose to show it, you have to accept they're not to be trusted too much, so yes, I agree, stand up for yourself or you'll be walked all over! :( :)
 
i always feel like people take too much pleasure in telling others what to do and provoking an argument. maybe because they have nothing better to do. i often wish i could just pop them when they do that. lol!
 
MarciKS said:
i always feel like people take too much pleasure in telling others what to do and provoking an argument. maybe because they have nothing better to do. i often wish i could just pop them when they do that. lol!
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I could not agree more. Every time some one says, "You should . . . ," without being asked for advice, I immediately tune them out. Or give them my favorite smartass comment, "The only thing I SHOULD do is hold my breath underwater and even that's an option."(y)
 
One thing not mentioned. Be prepared to walk away. That is hard because it mean loneliness if you don't have a lot of friends. Or on the other hand if you recognize that you can't walk away, don't waste time pretending you will. Add the fact you can't walk away into the calculations of what you are willing to put up with and negotiate accordingly.
 
SetWave said:
I could not agree more. Every time some one says, "You should . . . ," without being asked for advice, I immediately tune them out. Or give them my favorite smartass comment, "The only thing I SHOULD do is hold my breath underwater and even that's an option."(y)
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and there we have the provocation. lol!
 
grahamg said:
Do you believe in this?

Quote:
"Expert Tips for Picking Your Relationship Battles Wisely
  1. Only fight about issues that are truly important. Evaluate the consequences of an argument. ...
  2. Make a plan. Take a moment to calm down and think through the problem. ...
  3. Pause for the cause. Review your motivation. ...
  4. Don't react immediately. ...
  5. Choose the right time. ...
  6. Talk; don't yell. ...
  7. Agree to disagree. ...
  8. Communicate."
https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/expert-tips-picking-relationship-battles-wisely/story?id=30116974

(I found a comment on another thread similar to the thread title, and thought it worth its own discussion, though I'll withhold my reservations till others have had a chance to give their views)
Click to expand...
These are great but as one other post stated in the heat of the moment you are not thinking of any of the above.
 
MarciKS said:
True but I don't think we should be forced to just keep quiet and give in all the time. That's ludicrous. I don't mind turning the other cheek but not so I can constantly get my ass kicked.
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Marci, if it's the written word and not verbal, you are definitely not giving in. If say for argument's sake you had written a frank, honest response to some subject that someone else took umbrage with. Their retort being of strong language and weak argument is better ignored. They might have a second try even a third, but the more that you remain silent, the more annoyed they become. Not exactly turning the other cheek, is it?
 
horseless carriage said:
Marci, if it's the written word and not verbal, you are definitely not giving in. If say for argument's sake you had written a frank, honest response to some subject that someone else took umbrage with. Their retort being of strong language and weak argument is better ignored. They might have a second try even a third, but the more that you remain silent, the more annoyed they become. Not exactly turning the other cheek, is it?
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Indeed, but aren't we likely to become guilty of showing passive aggression in some circumstances, and that's not great either!
On the other hand, the rule about trying to avoid arguments with fools above still applies, and yet sometimes I feel your head might burst if you let them spout their nonsense too often without maybe talking equal nonsense back as a deliberate tactic! :)
 
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Ladybj said:
These are great but as one other post stated in the heat of the moment you are not thinking of any of the above.
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My paternal grandfather was known for his quick temper, and not known for backing down from an argument, so I'd guess he'd have disagreed with the expert quoted, and wouldn't have allowed his life to be governed by the rules laid out in the OP, (my father neither!), and was very well liked and respected, perhaps in an era where those personality traits, and strengths of character were more appreciated.
A comment of my fathers come in here too, "You can't breed tame mice from wild ones", (though I take after my mother in many ways, and feel I do tolerate people taking the mickey, or give people the benefit of the doubt too often, so maybe I'm a "slightly tame mouse"). :)
 
grahamg said:
Indeed, but aren't we likely to become guilty of showing passive aggression in some circumstances, and that's not great either!
On the other hand, the rule about trying to avoid arguments with fools above still applies, and yet sometimes I feel your head might burst if you let them spout their nonsense too often without maybe talking equal nonsense back as a deliberate tactic! :)
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That is true, there was a fellow I knew at work, a director, instead of letting his head burst he would use stinging insults. At a manager's meeting our head honcho came out with some tactic that he had devised. Something that he thought was foolproof. No matter what objections were made he just swatted them away but what he was expecting was simply wasn't possible, not without throwing money at it, which would defeat the object.
That director that I spoke of previously was asked for his opinion. He looked at the head honcho and said: "Did the intelligence gene miss the mark at the moment of conception? You could have heard a pin drop. The head honcho got up and walked out.
 


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