you never did it because YOU wanted to do it. You did it because you were forced.
Suppose, on reflection, some things in life you experienced or went thru left you feeling as you do. I would feel the same to be honest.
You're older now. You can think for yourself. I am saying that you reach out to God.
You tell him everything you went thru. You tell him that you doubt him. Tell him to prove you wrong. Fight back.
Read this below. The man was God. Jacob was angry and would not calm down. God saw Jacob for what he was and chose to deal with him in a matter that was different than how he will deal with most rebellious creations. Why? because Jacob was different, Like David was different .
You would not have posted unless you still wonder. Unless you still want to know. My comments are based on my belief that you want to know. Read, think, cast aside, move on. Settled in your mind, fine. Not settled re-read what I am saying.
Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[
a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[
b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[
c] and he was limping because of his hip.32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near t