Confused about Relationship Decisions

A

Analizer66

New Member
Hi Everyone -

I'm new to the site, and have a relationship dilemma I've struggled with on and off for about 5 years. I've read some of the posts and it appears to me the people on this site are reasonable rational minded individuals. Therefore I've concluded I might attain some wise advise. Thank you for your comments before hand!!

I have been in a difficult situational relationship, and have continued to struggle with one or another issue on and off.
I say difficult because it is not typical.

The man I've been seeing intimately is a couple years older than me. (I'm 66 he is 69) He was widowed approximately 3 - 4 yrs. before we met. He was married 40 yrs. I was married 17 yrs., and have been divorced and single for about 28 yrs. (Big difference in past relationship experiences)

His family is fairly large, and "close knit" ( upon meeting, he was doing daycare for 4 yr. old grandchild 5 days a week and cooking for them 5 days a week, although they did not live with him.) I believe this was mainly set up to help Dad after the loss of his wife. I was the first serious relationship he had since his wife passed. Gaining entry, and minor acceptance in this family has been challenging.

I am also close to my daughter and 3 grandchildren. Initially I had no grandchildren, and so was more able to attend his family activities. Now that I have the 3 grandkids, I do occasional babysitting. He now only has grandkids before/after school, and only cooks 2 meals a week for his family. He is very emotional attached and supported by his son and these grandkids. I am very emotional attached and supported by my daughter.

We live 30 min. apart in our own homes in two different suburbs. So driving and distance is an issue. Since he does childcare every day, and I have appts. I cover, etc. we typical do not see each other during the week, and communicate mostly by email, text or occasional phone calls. He likes to be together 24/7 on weekends. Staying over on Saturdays, and then he leaves Sunday afternoon to do dinner with his family. That's kind of the physical setup of our locations, time line, and dynamics of our families, etc.

This man has told me I am the love of his life, and wants to be my partner for the rest of our lives. Keeping separate homes (neither of us is willing to make a change), but having an intimate, loving, supportive relationship. I think I love this man. Although not in the same way he feels about me. I have a hard time really feeling that love, and having a feeling of being "real partners". I believe I feel I try to give a lot to the relationship, and I become exhausted, and worn out from trying to maintain it. I am having a hard time seeing what I am getting out of it. I feel very selfish having these feelings. He is a very nice man!! He seldom complains. I am the complainer. He frequently has requests of closeness and bonding desires from me, also he doesn't hear well, and relies on me to either answer for him, or repeat what's been said. He says, "hu?" A LOT. I escorted him on a flight out of town recently, and realized how much he relies on me to interact with his family, explain things to him, and socially interact for him. He is an extremely quite man, does not ask questions, and yes I think we have communication issues.

My issue is I feel burdened by what I feel are his needs from the relationship, and I would like to maintain a friendship with him,
but without the "romantic" intimate requests. This sends him into a downward spiral emotionally, and I usually feel bad for him, and the fallout from his family when they see him so emotionally distraught. I end up usually, just gong along with what has been the status quo. As I said I do care for this man greatly, I do not feel he is the love of my life. But then I can't say I've ever experienced the love of my life. He says he can't just do the friendship thing because it affects his masculine ego, and can't be around me when he can't have his hands on me. He does become an emotional mess when we are struggling. I am having a hard time deciding if I'm staying in this relationship because of what "he" wants. I am also having a hard time clarifying what needs I have that are being met from this relationship. I do enjoy his company, we do trailer traveling/camping in the summer, bike riding, and hiking. All things we mutually enjoy. I don't feel like a real partner in this relationship, and I think that is the connection I have had trouble trying to attain. Also I believe we both put our families of origin before our relationship. I can't feel that "partnership" "romantic" connection. I don't know if I'm just old and dull emotionally or what.

Sorry for the long explanation. I am so open to thoughts and ideas that maybe others have experienced or suggestions others have to share. Again thank you for your responses.
 

Eeew -- sounds like what he wants and what you want are way different, and he wants all the goodies without any giving on his part. Do you REALLY want to be his caretaker/support person while giving up your own needs and wants? Sounds like he is a pretty good manipulator and if I were you, I would run like hell.

Sorry that sounds so harsh, but at my age I want to live the rest of my life the way I want to. I've had quite enough of being sucked into relationships where I was the only giver and got nothing in return. I made a vow quite a while ago that I would never again "settle" for a relationship that wasn't right just for the sake of having a relationship.
 
I can relate to some of your situation because in many ways it parallels my second marriage of 23 years which ended with a amiable divorce. I was older, hard of hearing, family issues. travel.

You have shared many things that I think preclude a lasting stress free relationship and you are the one that would have to initiate a termination of the relationship.
 

Life is too short at our ages to not be getting exactly what you want out of a relationship. There are so few years left to enjoy life. My advice is that you should examine if this is what you want or not and then go with what you want. Pity is no substitute for love even if a person would just as well hang on to pity as they would love.
 
Thank you BlunderWoman -

Very interesting. I will think carefully on what you've said. Thank you for your thoughts!!
 
Butterfly-
Thank you for your response. I think I was hoping we could find a way to resolve this with some kind of compromise, that would be amiable for both parties. I don't want to be a caretaker/support person without feeling connected and supported myself. I have wondered if he is giving it in some way, and I'm not acknowledging it? IDK. I believe it's probably much harder for a man that's been married for 40 yrs. to the love of his life, and then to be thrown back out into the social arena, and try to fit in and make adjustments to a new relationship with our distance issues, and prior family commitments. I just want to be fair in representing him and his possible struggles also. Thank you!!
 
I read over your descriptive details, and it doesn't sound like you're getting what you need at all. It also sounds like now in the present and in the future, his needs will dominate the relationship. He is manipulating you by the "downward spiral" thing when you assert your needs. No way is that a healthy way to live, emotionally or physically. My advice is to take your life back and don't let this man eat up any more of your time or energy. It will only get worse. Find a way to say goodbye and exit gracefully.

By the way, welcome to our community!
 
Bluebreezes -

Thank you for your reply. I have seen the mention of manipulation twice. I don't know. I see his behavior during the downward spiral and it scares me. I don't believe it's an act. I think he doesn't have the skill set to deal with what he perceives as a great loss. I believe it sets off prior emotional loss signals for him. Both from the loss of his wife, and a 10yr. old son who committed suicide some 30 yrs. ago. I feel from most peoples comments, I should stick to my guns about, just friends, and not feel responsible for him, or how my decisions affect him. (although for me this feels like a very cold callous way to think of someone you care about) I often wonder if his feeling of "love" for me, is a "dependency" he is not able to recognize or identify. You think that's possible?
 
Yes, it sounds very much like dependency and need, and what he wants from you is co-dependency. That's something you can read much about online and how to recognize the warning signs. One of the biggest warning signs is your comment about how standing up for yourself is a "cold callous way to think". You are not responsible for this man's feelings, he is. You're not responsible to compensate for his past history, he is. You're not responsible how he reacts to you telling him there's no romantic future in it, he is. You're not responsible for his emotional wellbeing. You're responsible for yours, so don't let his needs divebomb what you want.

If any relationship requires you to sublimate your wants, dreams, needs, family--whatever matters to you most now and in the future--it's not about love and it's not healthy. Stick to your guns and be self-full for the sake of you and your family.
 
By the same token, let him go, so that he isn't getting in too deep, as you really aren't on the same page with him, in the needs department.

BTW, I don't see this man as being manipulative, do you really think he is such a sociopath that he is faking an emotional "downward spiral"? Perhaps he is, I can't tell from where I'm sitting.
 
Tnthomas -

Thanks for your input! I agree, I don't believe we are on the same page in the needs department. I don't see this man as being manipulative. I don't think he is a sociopath faking his emotions at all. I know when I have tried to just be friends with him in the past, he does do things that can scare the crap out of me. So although I don't think it's intentional manipulation, I do feel I back down from pulling away because of my fear of his response to my request and feeling responsible for the way he acts. Plus his kids see this and I get blamed for putting their dad through it, and of course they have a hard time with me.
 
Thank you Bluebreezes -

I appreciate your words of encouragement. I am going to try to be strong, and hold to my guns, and reread your words of what I am and am not responsible for!!

I ask myself, what am I getting out of this? I must be getting something, or I wouldn't have stayed in it this long!! Or it makes me feel like I'm just a fearful human being. Ugg....

I appreciate your feedback.!!
 
Analizer66 said:
Tnthomas -

Thanks for your input! I agree, I don't believe we are on the same page in the needs department. I don't see this man as being manipulative. I don't think he is a sociopath faking his emotions at all. I know when I have tried to just be friends with him in the past, he does do things that can scare the crap out of me. So although I don't think it's intentional manipulation, I do feel I back down from pulling away because of my fear of his response to my request and feeling responsible for the way he acts. Plus his kids see this and I get blamed for putting their dad through it, and of course they have a hard time with me.
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Yea, adult kids can be be very one-sided; my wife's kids still hate their dad's wife...for whatever real or imagined transgression.

If he is doing things that scare you, I'm thinking maybe he in fact is being....I-don't-know-what...unstable in some way.

I would not tolerate blame for someone else's emotional state, with his kids attitude and all, I think keeping a distance (for your own well being) would be in order.
 
This is a difficult question because he seems like a good person and you obviously care about his feelings. But relenting to his physical demands when you want a close friendship but not a romantic one, isn't being true to your own feelings. No one should feel obligated to be physically involved with another person because they are being held hostage by threats of the other persons depression, etc. This isn't love, it's manipulation. Perhaps you could explain that there are only 2 choices as to the future of the relationship: 1. You will remain close friends with no romantic relationship or 2. If he can't handle the fact tat you aren't willing to be coerced into a physical relationship when you don't have those kinds of feelings for him, then you will no longer be able to see him.

It may sound harsh, but being held hostage by someone else's stated or perceived threats is not at all fair to you. Life is too short to be living a lie.
 
Bluebreezes -

I've been reading online about the co-dependency characteristics. I see quite a few of those characteristics of "caretaker" and "feeling responsible for others" feelings and problems in myself. Ugg.... I think I may need some professional help with this.

Thanks!
 
Analizer,
Welcome to the forum, surely you will find some interesting topics here.

I think the others here give you excellent advice. IMO, the core of your problem is you don't share the same feelings as your male friend. You may enjoy his company, but that's not what he is looking for. It may be hard to try and end this relationship, but the truth is, you really need to do it soon. Don't allow him to throw a guilt trip on you, be kind but be firm about it. Good luck!
 
Sounds like you have to either be all in or all out. It's apparent that all in isn't what meets your needs. Therefore, since he wants you to be more than a good friend and you can't/don't want more than that, all out is the way to go. Might be a good thing to do before you find yourself all used up with nothing left for and of your Self.
 
Analizer I'd just like to add; many people who manipulate others don't recognize that they are being manipulative. Your friend displayed an emotional downward spiral rather than accept your viewpoint/concerns, have a meaningful discussion about it, and work on a solution. That is manipulation in that he gets to avoid the issue and get what he wants. This is likely a habit formed during his long marriage and became the way he deals with this kind of problem. He probably doesn't realize he is being manipulative, and he isn't likely to form new habits now.
 
anodyne said:
Analizer I'd just like to add; many people who manipulate others don't recognize that they are being manipulative. Your friend displayed an emotional downward spiral rather than accept your viewpoint/concerns, have a meaningful discussion about it, and work on a solution. That is manipulation in that he gets to avoid the issue and get what he wants. This is likely a habit formed during his long marriage and became the way he deals with this kind of problem. He probably doesn't realize he is being manipulative, and he isn't likely to form new habits now.
Click to expand...

That's true. We learn to do what works.
 
Carla -

Thank you for the welcome! I plan to take the advice given here. I will try to be kind, and firm.
Thank you!
 
GeorgiaXplant -

Thanks for reading and responding to my post. I plan on following the good advice I've been given by some very thoughtful people!!
 
Jujube -

Thank you for your message. Being new to the site I was able to get the message, and I wrote a response but I'm not sure it went through.

I sincerely appreciate your time to read the post and write such a thoughtful advice. Gosh I wish I would have found this site a few years back!!
It has been very encourage to read everyone's thoughtful responses!!

I wish you the best with your relationships.
 

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