Confused about Relationship Decisions

Thanks Anodyne for your response!! I think yes, after being in such a long term relationship he may not have developed skills to deal with this kind of problem. No, I agree forming new habits would probably not happen.
 

Analizer66 said:
This man has told me I am the love of his life, and wants to be my partner for the rest of our lives. Keeping separate homes (neither of us is willing to make a change), but having an intimate, loving, supportive relationship.

I think I love this man. Although not in the same way he feels about me. I have a hard time really feeling that love, and having a feeling of being "real partners". I believe I feel I try to give a lot to the relationship, and I become exhausted, and worn out from trying to maintain it.

I am having a hard time seeing what I am getting out of it. I feel very selfish having these feelings. He is a very nice man!! He seldom complains. I am the complainer. He frequently has requests of closeness and bonding desires from me, also he doesn't hear well, and relies on me to either answer for him, or repeat what's been said.

My issue is I feel burdened by what I feel are his needs from the relationship, and I would like to maintain a friendship with him,
but without the "romantic" intimate requests.

This sends him into a downward spiral emotionally, and I usually feel bad for him, and the fallout from his family when they see him so emotionally distraught. I end up usually, just gong along with what has been the status quo.

As I said I do care for this man greatly, I do not feel he is the love of my life. But then I can't say I've ever experienced the love of my life. He says he can't just do the friendship thing because it affects his masculine ego, and can't be around me when he can't have his hands on me. He does become an emotional mess when we are struggling.

I am having a hard time deciding if I'm staying in this relationship because of what "he" wants. I am also having a hard time clarifying what needs I have that are being met from this relationship. I do enjoy his company, we do trailer traveling/camping in the summer, bike riding, and hiking. All things we mutually enjoy. I don't feel like a real partner in this relationship, and I think that is the connection I have had trouble trying to attain.
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Welcome to the forum Analizer! :) I have to echo some of what others here have said. He says you are the love of his life, but he doesn't love you enough to just have a close friend relationship. In my opinion, he would give a little bit to please you and your wishes, and not just think of his male ego...to me that's not a good sign. Like others have said, it's a manipulating and controlling move with his 'downward spirals'. His family feels sorry for him, you feel sorry for him, and in the end his 'episode' gets him his way...mission accomplished. If it worked once, it will work a million times.

When are you going to start taking care of yourself and your own happiness? I'm in the same age group and realize that life is too short to be unhappy or discontent. In my opinion it's not fair to yourself, who will be there for you when you need them? I think you're a very kind and caring person, that's very clear. Women in general are usually caregivers all their lives, and some can feel guilty if they deny someone their care, especially if they pull a sympathy tantrum like it seems he does.

I can see that you like to do some outdoor things with him, and that's great, but at what price? Another man may spend much quality time with you, be your friend and lover, and make you feel like you're on cloud 9. Right now, I don't get the feel that you have any real benefit from this relationship honestly.

I suggest you start out by taking a good hard break from him, not see him or communicate with him at all for at least a month...no matter how much he fusses, don't take the bait. Once you're alone with your thoughts you can reevaluate the relationship and decide where you want to go from there. You can't make an honest decision with him and his family influencing you and putting you on a guilt trip.

Time to love yourself. Give yourself some ME time to reach your inner feelings and do what will make you happy, not him. Believe me, if another lady comes along and wants to do things for him, you'll be quickly forgotten. If you have to when you separate from him, no seeing him, no phone calls, no anything, you can literally make a list on paper. Write down the good things you feel when your with him, and the bad things you feel. Write down the times when you enjoyed his company, and the times you were sad or uncomfortable either around him or because of him.

If bad feelings cloud your mind even when you're not physically with him, then he is doing nothing but draining your energy and sucking you dry. Please give the break a try, I don't think you'll regret it, and I think you'll make the right decision for yourself....hugs.
 
I can only share my own family drama. My Mom passed suddenly in 1989. Not suddenly really...high blood pressure through the roof and a GP who was a douchebag. My Dad was on the verge of jumping for a few years there. But he found a lifetime partner in those years. G-d bless, you saved my Dad son...
 

SeaBreeze -

Thank you for such a thoughtful response!! You gave me many good suggestions. I plan to follow your advice and the advice of others given to me on this forum. I am so appreciative that people would take such an effort to read my post, and offer what I consider to be extremely reasonable and rational advice!!

Great group of people here!!
 
.OK,maybe I`ve been married too long and maybe this is normal for people who begin relationships later in life,but you mentioned that neither of you was willing to move to live full time with the other. That says to me that the relationship had no hope from the get-go. If two people are truly in love,don`t they want to be together all the time? To me,they would. Sorry kids,but now it`s my time and I will still be here for you but I am first and foremost going to be with the man/woman I love. So,from my viewpoint at least,neither of you is or was truly in love with the other. Time to end it.
 
Agree, this relationship is wrong for you.

He "can't just do the friendship thing because it affects his masculine ego,". There it is, in a nutshell!

It's tough when we would enjoy some companionship. This man never grew up and has a "put out , or get out" attitude. You're better off without this stress.

Good luck, friend. :)
 
Mrs. Robinson -

Your thinking was my initial reaction also. I offered to try do this, or the suggestion, we both would sell our homes and buy a home and move in-between our two families, location wise. The gentleman would be fine if I was willing to sell my home and move in with him. He, because of prior commitment to his family (child care responsibilities) did not feel he could move to my side of town. I do not believe he would be willing to move from his home. We also discussed the legal ramifications of combing our assets and how it would impact our wishes to leave our personal acquired assets to our own families respectfully. Both of us have experienced a parent remarrying later in life, and their new spouse accumulating our intended inheritance. This can get very messy and nasty, when you're blending finances at our age, especially if one of us were to die suddenly after marriage, plus one of us has substantially more accumulated wealth than the other.

I agree, the lack of flexibility on either of our parts at times, really does not lend itself to a successful outcome. I think when we met, both of us said we were looking to find someone that we could enjoy spending time with and someone that enjoyed getting outdoors and being active. I think there was hope for more, but my initial intend was nothing more than that. I think when we seemed to hit it off so well, and continued to spend more and more time together, things just snowballed from there. Looking back and seeing myself struggle through out this relationship, I can easily agree with your viewpoint!! I think we didn't want to just give up, but at the same time, I feel we are both too stubborn, and set in our ways, to make the compromises necessary for this relationship to be successful.

Thanks for your input, Mrs. Robinson.
 
Funeverywhere -

Thanks for your reply. I am happy that things worked out so well for your Father, and I am sure that means the world to you!!
 
anodyne said:
Analizer I'd just like to add; many people who manipulate others don't recognize that they are being manipulative. Your friend displayed an emotional downward spiral rather than accept your viewpoint/concerns, have a meaningful discussion about it, and work on a solution. That is manipulation in that he gets to avoid the issue and get what he wants. This is likely a habit formed during his long marriage and became the way he deals with this kind of problem. He probably doesn't realize he is being manipulative, and he isn't likely to form new habits now.
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I agree 100%. IMHO some of the worst manipulators don't really realize that is what they are doing -- they see it as just trying to get what they want. I see the dropping a guilt trip on you as a huge manipulation. He is, in effect, saying "If you leave me I will fall apart and it will be all your fault because you could have helped me and didn't." That's manipulation, and it is not fair or reasonable to expect you to give up your life for his.
 
Butterfly said:
I agree 100%. IMHO some of the worst manipulators don't really realize that is what they are doing -- they see it as just trying to get what they want. I see the dropping a guilt trip on you as a huge manipulation. He is, in effect, saying "If you leave me I will fall apart and it will be all your fault because you could have helped me and didn't." That's manipulation, and it is not fair or reasonable to expect you to give up your life for his.
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Butterfly, my mother is one of those, which made caregiving extremely stressful and difficult. I tried several times to explain to her the differences between using manipulation to get what she wants and simply asking for what she wants. She didn't get it...absolutely couldn't see it...and she hasn't changed. It's just something we had to learn to cope with.
 
Butterfly -

It makes perfect sense when you can step back and see it from the outside of the situation. I guess I wonder about myself, and why I've allowed myself to care more about what he wants, than what I want, or don't want. It is hard to change the way we respond to certain situations. I know I had to be getting something out of it to stay in it this long. I think I have some personal things I need to work on. I've always thought he was a good person, but when you look at it as being manipulated, it makes me feel kinda sick inside.
 
Once you do the work and get on the other side of co-dependency, you'll find that your life choices will look different and you'll be in control. It's worth the work and it's OK to put your needs first without guilt.
 
Thanks Bluebreezes -

It feels pretty overwhelming right now. I've got a lot to think about, and I'm going to need to find some guidance to make these changes.
 
anodyne said:
Butterfly, my mother is one of those, which made caregiving extremely stressful and difficult. I tried several times to explain to her the differences between using manipulation to get what she wants and simply asking for what she wants. She didn't get it...absolutely couldn't see it...and she hasn't changed. It's just something we had to learn to cope with.
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My sister does this, too, and it drives me nuts.
 
Analizer66 said:
Butterfly -

It makes perfect sense when you can step back and see it from the outside of the situation. I guess I wonder about myself, and why I've allowed myself to care more about what he wants, than what I want, or don't want. It is hard to change the way we respond to certain situations. I know I had to be getting something out of it to stay in it this long. I think I have some personal things I need to work on. I've always thought he was a good person, but when you look at it as being manipulated, it makes me feel kinda sick inside.
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It's ALWAYS easier to see something when it is another person's problem. I tend to be a people pleaser and a "fixer" and I deal with similar issues myself. I've had to work very hard to learn to say no comfortably (well, not always so comfortably:)). I think part of it is how we were raised -- girls of our generation were pretty much raised to be caregivers and helpers, and to always think of the needs of others, and I think that's a hard thing to break.
 
Butterfly said:
It's ALWAYS easier to see something when it is another person's problem. I tend to be a people pleaser and a "fixer" and I deal with similar issues myself. I've had to work very hard to learn to say no comfortably (well, not always so comfortably:)). I think part of it is how we were raised -- girls of our generation were pretty much raised to be caregivers and helpers, and to always think of the needs of others, and I think that's a hard thing to break.
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Yep! I agree with all you shared. I am going to look for a good co-dependency counselor in my area, and get busy!! I have to say it is scary for me right now. But I need to "put on my big girl pants". :)
 
The man wants a romantic relationship, not just a friendship and 'partner'. I don't blame him.

You don't seem to want the romantic part, just the friendship. I don't blame you.

But, why should he settle for 1/2 a loaf when there are other women who will give him the whole loaf, and make a nice sandwich for him also?

You are best freeing yourself and him from this relationship and moving on. Let him go.
 
Brookswood -

Thanks for your reply. I've been thinking, and dealing with the relationship, and believe I'm on the path you suggested. I did tell him that I thought it would be healthiest for both of us to let go of the relationship and move on. I truly hope he finds his "whole loaf" and has a "nice sandwich".
For myself I have an appointment with a therapist to begin the journey of putting some things in order, and hopefully healing, and deal with being a co-dependency.

I so appreciate everyone's feedback!!:)
 
I have had a similar experience to your guy friend. A former gf decides she wants to be good friends. She is even willing to travel with me and share a room (no hanky panky though). :-( But, I want more. So, how do I tell a potential new gf that I am not free next week because former gf and I will be spending the week in Port Warmbeach sharing a room? That is not a great idea.
 
Butterfly said:
Eeew -- sounds like what he wants and what you want are way different, and he wants all the goodies without any giving on his part. Do you REALLY want to be his caretaker/support person while giving up your own needs and wants? Sounds like he is a pretty good manipulator and if I were you, I would run like hell.

Sorry that sounds so harsh, but at my age I want to live the rest of my life the way I want to. I've had quite enough of being sucked into relationships where I was the only giver and got nothing in return. I made a vow quite a while ago that I would never again "settle" for a relationship that wasn't right just for the sake of having a relationship.
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Couldn't agree more! This guy is a pure manipulator.

One of THE worst things that any woman, but especially those who are mature, can do is to constantly compromise in a relationship with a guy who makes demands or expects her to give him what he wants. And it's made all the worse when he uses his "emotions" to play the game. If a man TRULY cares about a woman, he will respect her wants and needs . . . including her desire to NOT have sex.
 

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