Conversations with my husband, yes, he really says stuff like this, and my various mishaps

[C'est Moi]

According the the above paragraph you each have your own food cupboards.

The jelly bean thing was odd?
You think?

Funny though. My husband is the opposite. He lets me eat my candy and half his too.
Not that I do . Ok not always. Lol

Same here. My husband will always leave the last of anything in case I want it. There's a lonely blueberry muffin on the kitchen counter that he has been avoiding for a couple of days; I told him to go ahead and eat it.

 

[Keesha]

Same here. My husband will always leave the last of anything in case I want it. There's a lonely blueberry muffin on the kitchen counter that he has been avoiding for a couple of days; I told him to go ahead and eat it.

Exactly. Yes I’m going to brag here but my man always puts me first and when I think he can’t be any more generous, he surprises me more. I’m one really lucky spoiled woman and I can’t relate to this separate cupboard stuff whatsoever. That sounds like the type of selfish games I played with my brothers when we were little kids.

Reading Aneedas post just reminded me once more that my life is wonderful as is.

 

[C'est Moi]

Exactly. Yes I’m going to brag here but my man always puts me first and when I think he can’t be any more generous, he surprises me more. I’m one really lucky spoiled woman and I can’t relate to this separate cupboard stuff whatsoever. That sounds like the type of selfish games I played with my brothers when we were little kids.

Reading Aneedas post just reminded me once more that my life is wonderful as is.

Agree.

 

[Aneeda72]

Married? Sounds a lot more like two people living together to share expenses.We've never had his & hers separate anything. Didn't mean that to sound harsh it's just that we've been married 58 years. A lot of tough times & good in those years. But I truly have to say we are living the best life ever together 24/7 in retirement.

Your post helps me to remember how lucky we are.

We have been married 48 plus years. Lots of tough times. Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together. I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to. I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling. They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.

It was him and a live in maid. It just got more and more complicated. You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home. You wake up one day and realize your stuck. The children are out, but still disabled.

Then you are disabled. He’s getting more and more odd. You are still stuck. And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month? When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine. But, he’s odd. Getting odder. So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.

 

[Pinky]

We have been married 48 plus years. Lots of tough times. Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together. I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to. I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling. They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.

It was him and a live in maid. It just got more and more complicated. You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home. You wake up one day and realize your stuck. The children are out, but still disabled.

Then you are disabled. He’s getting more and more odd. You are still stuck. And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month? When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine. But, he’s odd. Getting odder. So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.

You have a sense of humour about it, which seems to help you through.

 

[sadie123]

I find your story interesting and this is a great space to vent, if that helps you keep peace at home. I was sorry to hear about your recent wound. It sounds very painful.

Keep writing, I will keep reading.

 

[Keesha]

We have been married 48 plus years. Lots of tough times. Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together. I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to. I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling. They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.

It was him and a live in maid. It just got more and more complicated. You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home. You wake up one day and realize your stuck. The children are out, but still disabled.

Then you are disabled. He’s getting more and more odd. You are still stuck. And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month? When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine. But, he’s odd. Getting odder. So I thought it’d be interesting to write about.

That’s tough. I didn’t recognize that you were just venting. If I were closer I’d pick you up in my car and we’d go some place fun where we’d laugh and share life experiences and eat ice cream and brownies. ( non medicated ones ) and jelly beans but they’d be gourmet ones

Just out of curiosity. Who’s idea was it to have separate cupboards and why? Did one of you not trust the other with the food and treats?

 

[treeguy64]

I'd sooner live in a cave..... alone! What a terrible person to coexist with. You are a glutton for punishment, apparently. Money or no money, disability or fit as a fiddle, I would've been down the road, long ago.

 

[Aneeda72]

That’s tough. I didn’t recognize that you were just venting. If I were closer I’d pick you up in my car and we’d go some place fun where we’d laugh and share life experiences and eat ice cream and brownies. ( non medicated ones ) and jelly beans but they’d be gourmet ones

Just out of curiosity. Who’s idea was it to have separate cupboards and why? Did one of you not trust the other with the food and treats?

His ideal, for his cereal. Just like today, went to grocery store and wanted chicken. They had baked and fried. It’s cold chicken, I can’t eat the fried so I say let’s get the baked. Nope, he says you buy baked for you and fried for me. Oh Good God. So two chickens for two people. Sigh.

I tell him later I’m going to make chicken salad with most of mine. Oh, good, use my dark meat as well. He weighs 350 pounds. He has food issues, apparently stemming from his childhood. I don’t have issues, I just like to eat. But, as we get older, his issues get worst not better.

And he swears he doesn’t have an over eating issue as he over eats. This separate food thing drives me crazy. It’s food, eat it, we can buy more.

On a side note, see, I told you we’d be friends if we lived closer.

 

[Pecos]

I'd sooner live in a cave..... alone! What a terrible person to coexist with. You are a glutton for punishment, apparently. Money or no money, disability or fit as a fiddle, I would've been down the road, long ago.

I am with you on this one. I find this thread painful to read, yet I have met couples who were on a similar path. My heart breaks to think about the joys that they are missing.

 

[Aneeda72]

Yes we would definitely be friends.

I’m going to try and word this the best I can and hope I don’t overstep my boundaries but we all have issues. If he’s 350 pounds and hoarding a cupboard full of junk food and demanding his own selective food and you are going along with it, then you are not only enabling him but teaching him that this behaviour is perfectly ok.

I’m not sure how old he is but being that heavy is a major health risk on many levels. When you get older and your knees and other things start going, one of the best things you can do for yourself is lose the weight so it’s easier on all your joints. If you fall , you have a better chance of getting up AND it’s not as painful on your joints. All that sugar causes inflammation and inflammation causes pain, not to mention the added stress it causes the heart. I lost of friend who weighed 350 pounds and he was only 44. He had a heart attack.

But the most disturbing thing I find about your posts here is his expectation and entitlement of everything he wants and how he wants it. Why do you need two chickens? Why not go out and purchase a raw chicken and cook it in the oven. Add some vegetables and potatoes and sit down and eat the same thing together. Refuse to be his enabler. Refuse to play these games.

It sounds like you both have food issues and if you both made the decision to change these unhealthy eating habits and help each other lose weight, your relationship could possibly improve and so would your health as you age.

You deserve better.

Yes, in an ideal world that would be how it works, but it doesn’t. I have no control over what he does. He is a grown man. I am not his mother. But, yes, I now take the easy road. He can do as he likes for the most part. As long as I can do as I like as well.

Any attempt to “control” him results in emotional abuse. Always has, always will. It just is not worth it anymore. It’s not a question of what is better, or who deserves better. I am no great shakes myself. I give as good as I get.

It’s a question of getting through what remains of my life in the best way possible for me.

His need to argue over ever little thing drives me crazy and I refused to do it. i hold up my hand, tell him to stop, and refuse to listen or engage. If he wants to eat himself to death that is his choice, I am not the food police. If he wants me to leave his cereal alone fine. But, the oddness of his behavior is, lol, odd.

As for me, do I have food issues, yes. But I don’t over eat, ever. Could not over eat if I wanted too. I have a terrible weakness for sugar. Not chocolate. Just sweet. I don’t eat well, there are so many foods I can’t eat. A couple of months ago my doctor told me that I should probably switch to baby food. It was time.

OH MY Gosh, I refused. She said the time was coming. I have to face facts. No, no I don’t. The fact is, I am, as all of us are, dying. Just doing it a bit faster perhaps than some others and I’d like to do it in peace. Not concerned about why, all of a sudden, he has to eat jelly beans.

As for the chicken, lol, it’s just an example of his continuing strangeness over food. And no, I’m not buying and cooking a chicken.

Understanding anyones situation is impossible. You are only hearing my side.

I eat mostly canned meats, digestible. Hot dogs. Very few veggies. Eggs, cheese. Too much bread. Bread is a downfall. Ice cream when my stomach hurts to much. It is what it is. No holding hands on the front porch sharing jelly beans.

 

[Aneeda72]

I'd sooner live in a cave..... alone! What a terrible person to coexist with. You are a glutton for punishment, apparently. Money or no money, disability or fit as a fiddle, I would've been down the road, long ago.

That is what makes these forums so interesting, the judgements some people pronounce as if their lives were so very perfect. As if they had any ideal what life could be like for a woman in the 60’s and 70’s and now. Have you heard of the me too movement?

Women put up with a lot. He, my current husband is not a “terrible” person. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am no angel myself. And you can’t just take off without money. Disabled or no. Grow a brain.

My first husband was a truly terrible person. And down the road I went, disabled baby in tow. Until he said, I just got transferred to Ma. If you come back and go with, our son can go to Mayo Clinic. Was there in a shot. In a shot, treeguy64. Cause my son just got a chance, and my first husband could beat me black and blue every dang day for that chance.

I went. My/our son went to Mayo Hospital and got diagnosed with mixed cerebral palsy and other disabilities. My son, who was never supposed to walk, learned to walk. My son was adopted by my current husband who paid for all his medical treatments, and still helps him out.

My son later served in the US ARMY. Relationships are complicated.

 

[Aneeda72]

Aneeda,
Where in my thread did you see me mention , controlling him or being his food police? Where did I suggest you argue with him?

What I suggested was that you are enabling each others bad habits and bad treatment of each other and that it might be better if you helped each instead but if you aren’t interested in doing that, then ok.

I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m reading your posts. I’m so grateful that my husband and I really care about each other. I can’t imagine living like this but if you’re ok with it then why should I care.

You needn’t answer that. It wasn’t really a question.

Sigh. I did not ask you to care.

No one has to read my posts or keep anything in mind when reading them. In fact, I started this thread to try and gain some understanding of his odd behavior towards things lately. I knew people would judge. . But I don’t know any of you.

We do not, at our age, enable each other‘s bad habits or good habits. We are older adults and responsible for our own habits and behaviors. Do we treat each other badly at times? Yes. Is it hard living with someone for over 48 years who has had PTSD? Yup. Has it become harder and harder. Yup.

Combat vets are in a group all by themselves.

I am glad for those of you who have found lovely lives in their old age. But perhaps it is only because one person in the relationship has paid a high price for that loveliness. I don’t know. Perhaps I should stop writing this thread. Perhaps I will.

 

[C'est Moi]

Aneeda, I'm sorry for your situation--you are brave to post it on an open forum for snipers, judgement and unsolicited advice. Sorry if my previous post sounded "holier than thou," but it's hard for me to imagine your situation. My husband is a kind person but he's not without quirks and neither am I. No one is perfect.

 

[Keesha]

Sigh. I did not ask you to care.

Combat vets are in a group all by themselves.

I am glad for those of you who have found lovely lives in their old age. But perhaps it is only because one person in the relationship has paid a high price for that loveliness.

Sigh! Missed this.

No you didn’t ask me to care.
No you didn’t ask for a solution or any advice either
No I didn’t know your husband was a combat vet with ptsd.

We have a happy relationship with each other because we ‘both’ love and care for each other.
It’s a mutually supportive relationship meaning NO one person paid a high price for the love ‘we’ share.

 

[Aneeda72]

Sigh! Missed this.

No you didn’t ask me to care.
No you didn’t ask for a solution or any advice either
No I didn’t know your husband was a combat vet with ptsd.

We have a happy relationship with each other because we ‘both’ love and care for each other.
It’s a mutually supportive relationship meaning NO one person paid a high price for the love ‘we’ share.

And that’s great. We both love each other. We both care for each other. But what does that mean?

Seriously, what does it mean? Because if your husband always puts you first then he’s second. Then the relationship is not equal. What does your husband give up so you can be first? If you can’t live in my circumstances, as you’ve stated, and I hear you, and others saying this-you must be put first. Second isn’t good enough for you or others.

I am not being personal to you, Keesha. I am seriously trying to figure something out. Many people have drawn lines in the sand, on relationships, on this site. The, well, if my other person does that I’m out of here. I’ll go live in a cave. Yeah, sure you will.

Where do you hang the toilet paper in a cave?

My husband has always put himself first. My husband, as a TEENAGER, an 18 year old, killed men, woman, and children. In a war. This continues to happen as my country, is always at war. Virus or no virus. My husband was taught to put himself first so he could survive.

The freedoms so many people on this site whine about lacking in this current crisis are guaranteed by him and others like him who face the virus while still responsible for protecting us and insuring their freedom to complain about their lack of their freedom cause they have to wear a mask. Believe me, the people in the us military are not wearing masks. Hard to site a rifle with a mask on.

I am trying to figure out if my husband is changing/evolving into a different person as happens with humans, having some kind of mental breakdown, or simply entering a new phrase of becoming even less aware that I exist. Although I sometimes wonder as well if I exist.

I want an equal relationship. I want to know why, after hating jelly beans for over 70 years, he suddenly has his hand in my jelly bean jar, which he doesn’t now because I threw it away. The jar, not his hand. Sigh.

 

[Judycat]

Aneeda my husband and I had a similar relationship. I was never one for romance so I put up with the oddness. You have someone who helps with your son. Most men wouldn't do that so the judgmental types can go fly a kite. My husband put me first when it was in his best interest to do so, I found this to be true of most people anyway. My Mr. No Neck who would claim the Dr.'s scale was wrong, bought the farm 7 years ago. Yes I missed his company, still do, but I am living better on his Survivor's benefits than we ever did throughout our marriage. Something to think about before tossing the old man away.

 

[Aneeda72]

Aneeda my husband and I had a similar relationship. I was never one for romance so I put up with the oddness. You have someone who helps with your son. Most men wouldn't do that so the judgmental types can go fly a kite. My husband put me first when it was in his best interest to do so, I found this to be true of most people anyway. My Mr. No Neck who would claim the Dr.'s scale was wrong, bought the farm 7 years ago. Yes I missed his company, still do, but I am living better on his Survivor's benefits than we ever did throughout our marriage. Something to think about before tossing the old man away.

Thanks, Judycat. At this point I have no intention of leaving, it’s wishful thinking. I am simply not capable of leaving which has more to do with me than him. I want a better relationship for us and need to figure out what the heck the increased odd behavior is about.

He helps with all our children. There has never been a problem with arguments over money. While we never had much, he was always willing to work as hard as he could to get more, often two jobs. I could spend the money anyway I wanted, still can.

But his increasing oddness is worrisome.

 

[Ronni]

And that’s great. We both love each other. We both care for each other. But what does that mean?

Seriously, what does it mean? Because if your husband always puts you first then he’s second. Then the relationship is not equal. What does your husband give up so you can be first? If you can’t live in my circumstances, as you’ve stated, and I hear you, and others saying this-you must be put first. Second isn’t good enough for you or others.

I am not being personal to you, Keesha. I am seriously trying to figure something out. Many people have drawn lines in the sand, on relationships, on this site. The, well, if my other person does that I’m out of here. I’ll go live in a cave. Yeah, sure you will.

I have bottom lines as far as relationships go. Deal breakers. They're hard earned and hard won wisdom from my previous abusive marriage that have shaped the kind of relationship I aspire to and the only kind I will have.

I also understand compromise, the give and take of relationships, the fact that sometimes I'm first and sometimes Ron is, and that's OK. Compromise. Balance. Relationships can't exist without them, and each relationship is going to look different within that framework. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. I try really hard to not judge other folks' relationships ... well, unless there's obvious abuse...then I'll speak up.

Until this most recent issue with Ron, we've never had a problem navigating that compromise and balance. And even though I hate the current situation, I understand his choices and where it's put us, because he's also having to navigate his relationship with his daughter, and now he's trying to find balance and compromise with not just me, but with his daughter too, when she and I have completely opposite risk assessments, and when she is far more self-centered than either Ron or I.

He, my current husband is not a “terrible” person. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am no angel myself. And you can’t just take off without money. Disabled or no. Grow a brain.

My first husband was a truly terrible person. And down the road I went, disabled baby in tow. Until he said, I just got transferred to Ma. If you come back and go with, our son can go to Mayo Clinic. Was there in a shot. In a shot, treeguy64. Cause my son just got a chance, and my first husband could beat me black and blue every dang day for that chance.

I completely get this. <3 I completely understand putting up with all manner of wretchedness to give your kid a chance.

Thanks, Judycat. At this point I have no intention of leaving, it’s wishful thinking. I am simply not capable of leaving which has more to do with me than him. I want a better relationship for us and need to figure out what the heck the increased odd behavior is about.

He helps with all our children. There has never been a problem with arguments over money. While we never had much, he was always willing to work as hard as he could to get more, often two jobs. I could spend the money anyway I wanted, still can.

But his increasing oddness is worrisome.

Yeah, no matter what your relationship looks like to outsiders, it's YOUR normal. And so changes in behavior, things that have become atypical to your normal, that's worrisome. There are the obvious guesses because you're both older...dementia, alzheimers, senility etc. Is there any way to get him evaluated?

 

[Sliverfox]

Aneeda ,, after reading your post, have you considered that your husband is in the first stage of Alzheimer?

In our family there has been a lot of Alzheimer,, so know a bit about it.

Am suggesting if & when you see a doctor that you ask /talk about Alzhemier.
It is a terrible diesease,, turns person from Mr.Nice Guy to bogey man.

 

[Aneeda72]

Thanks Ronni, and some of the things you mentioned were my first thoughts as well.

I thought long and hard on how to approach him. Since he more and more often said his memory was a problem, even though I didn’t believe this, I decided to agree. Yup you have memory problems. I asked him to do memory testing. He agreed.

I won’t go into the really fine details, but I was right on ever single issue on his problems. He was wrong. Which doesn’t matter except to point out to him, after so many years of marriage, I did understand who he was. He would say, you don’t understand. Oh, yes, I do.

His memory is far better than most people of his age, the testing showed that. He’s not forgetting to do stuff. He is oppositional, testing showed that. He has NO memory problems. Except forgetting that I exist as a separate person. It’s hard to explain.

Testing showed he has anger issues, needed therapy, and medication. Plus other stuff, there is always other stuff. The testing doctor told me, when he left the room to go potty, to be very very careful in how you approach him. Yup, like I haven’t figured that out.

The testing doctor sent him to a psychiatrist for therapy and medication. He says he went. He says he talked to him for a couple of hours. He says that the doctor decided NOT to charge him for the session. Yup, I looked for that bill. It never came in. Just like before when he saw a psychologist, who never charged him. Lucky guy.

Course, he didn’t go.

And here it is. This is an increasing angry person who is acting oddly. And if having large amounts of food and candy keeps a Vietnam combat marine vet who needs therapy and medication happy, then yes, I will make sure he has all the jelly beans in the world. I will ENABLE his eating. I admit it.

While still trying to figure out what the problem is. But I won’t go live in a cave. Honestly, I have found toilet paper to be extremely necessary to my well being and continued mental health. Cave living, not so much.

 

[Aneeda72]

Aneeda ,, after reading your post, have you considered that your husband is in the first stage of Alzheimer?

In our family there has been a lot of Alzheimer,, so know a bit about it.

Am suggesting if & when you see a doctor that you ask /talk about Alzhemier.
It is a terrible diesease,, turns person from Mr.Nice Guy to bogey man.

Both his grandparents had Alzheimer’s, was my first thought when he announced, about 5 years ago, that instead of calling him by a nickname he had used since he was 18, he now wanted to be called by his given name.

Everyone who knew him refused to do this. Everyone wanted to know why the switch. He had no answer.

 

[Ronni]

@Aneeda72 a question if you don't consider it too intrusive.

Are you afraid of your husband? Beginning to be afraid for your safety? Afraid he might do something....irrational? Sabotage you in some way? I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I understand gut feelings and red flags. There are changes that are weird but not threatening, and then there are changes that may seem slight to others, but you know the person so they are scary, or outright terrifying to you.

Is there anything like that going on?

 

[Buckeye]

{shrug} Different strokes, and all that. Once worked with a youngish man who came to the office with a big bruise on his face. He and the wife had gotten into a major knock down, drag out fist fight over who got to smoke the last cigarette.

 

[Aneeda72]

@Aneeda72 a question if you don't consider it too intrusive.

Are you afraid of your husband? Beginning to be afraid for your safety? Afraid he might do something....irrational? Sabotage you in some way? I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I understand gut feelings and red flags. There are changes that are weird but not threatening, and then there are changes that may seem slight to others, but you know the person so they are scary, or outright terrifying to you.

Is there anything like that going on?

Hmm, he has sabotaged me in the past to make himself look better, but the need for that kind of activity is long gone. As you get older and family and friends fade away, for various reasons, and sabotage goes away. No one around to look better for. We just moved and then the virus hit.

When he started changing, about five years ago, with the name thing, there were issues. What’s interesting is my little guy, with DS, notices the changes as well. He will tell his dad not to speak to me that way, to respect me, she’s your wife, be nice, etc. Disabled people get a lot of input on how to conduct relationships.

So that’s another change, Ronni, he’s become more public with his comments which have made me more public with mine. I am very reactive. OMGosh, we are becoming THOSE people. . But I made it very clear, before we married that I had been a punching bag once, wasn’t being one again.

Afraid, no. Uncomfortable at times, I think so. Hard to explain. He’s more withdrawn and seems more and more distance, which causes him to be more and more angry. Which makes him give more and more excuses for his behavior, and those excuses make less and less sense.

And again, it takes two. I am no angel. But at our age, after so many years, it makes no sense to divorce, especially for me. While I am interested in improving things, he’s not. He just seems to get more and more resentful and odd.