Could use someone's opinion

M

Madison

New Member
Been married - not happily - for 39 years to a man who has no interests or motivation at all. He just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. We never go anywhere or do anything. If he wants something - like a boat or lawn maintenance equipment he puts till he gets what he wants. I just wanna take a walk or go for a drive but he refuses. I know what you're thinking - why stay with him for all these years - he was different 30 years ago - he as no one - no family or friends and personally I think he's a bit unbalanced and I'm afraid he might hurt himself if I leave. He refuses to talk to someone and says he doesn't need help -
 

Madison said:
Been married - not happily - for 39 years to a man who has no interests or motivation at all. He just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. We never go anywhere or do anything. If he wants something - like a boat or lawn maintenance equipment he puts till he gets what he wants. I just wanna take a walk or go for a drive but he refuses. I know what you're thinking - why stay with him for all these years - he was different 30 years ago - he as no one - no family or friends and personally I think he's a bit unbalanced and I'm afraid he might hurt himself if I leave. He refuses to talk to someone and says he doesn't need help -
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Not having family? Where are they? 30 years ago, did he have family then?
 
It sounds depressing for you and likely he is depressed, as well. If you're going to stay w him it seems you're going to have to fill in the void w other people and activities.

No boat rides I guess?
 

Madison said:
Been married - not happily - for 39 years to a man who has no interests or motivation at all. He just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. We never go anywhere or do anything. If he wants something - like a boat or lawn maintenance equipment he puts till he gets what he wants. I just wanna take a walk or go for a drive but he refuses. I know what you're thinking - why stay with him for all these years - he was different 30 years ago - he as no one - no family or friends and personally I think he's a bit unbalanced and I'm afraid he might hurt himself if I leave. He refuses to talk to someone and says he doesn't need help -
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why can't you just take a walk or take a drive by yourself. Surely you don't want the company of someone who you think is unbalanced ?
 
Madison said:
a man who has no interests or motivation at all. He just sits on the couch and watches tv all day.
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My sister's first husband was like that, I never could figure out why she married him because she was a very active outgoing social person. She adjusted by going out with friends and doing activities without him. They got divorced after a couple years, and she chose a more compatible man for her second husband.

I understand it would be a lot more fun for you if he would join you in activities, but I hope you enjoy them without him, either alone or with friends. I'm single so I usually go for walks alone, but I also am a member of a seniors walking club so once a week I have the fun of hiking with other people.
 
He does sound depressed - but if he won't see a doctor or get help, you can't make him. or maybe he really is happy doing nothing - and I guess that is his choice

Why does he want a boat if he never goes out? - or will he go out fishing or suchlike if he has one?

Anyway as I see it you have 3 basic choices
1. stay with him and do nothing with him
2. leave him
3. stay with him and do your own thing while he stays home with the TV

If you choose to stay, I would definitely do option 3 and not option 1

go for a walk yourself, join a walking group, go to whatever activities you are interested in doing and leave him to his choice at home.
 
Madison said:
Been married - not happily - for 39 years to a man who has no interests or motivation at all. He just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. We never go anywhere or do anything. If he wants something - like a boat or lawn maintenance equipment he puts till he gets what he wants. I just wanna take a walk or go for a drive but he refuses. I know what you're thinking - why stay with him for all these years - he was different 30 years ago - he as no one - no family or friends and personally I think he's a bit unbalanced and I'm afraid he might hurt himself if I leave. He refuses to talk to someone and says he doesn't need help -
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Is he employed?
 
OldFeller said:
Not having family? Where are they? 30 years ago, did he have family then?
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Yes he did - parents passed away and no siblings. This is his 1st marriage my 2nd - I have 3 grown children who don't really approve of the way he treats me but tolerate him for my benefit. I know he's selfish and unappreciative but I've catered to him for so long don't think I would even know how to change.
 
HoneyNut said:
My sister's first husband was like that, I never could figure out why she married him because she was a very active outgoing social person. She adjusted by going out with friends and doing activities without him. They got divorced after a couple years, and she chose a more compatible man for her second husband.

I understand it would be a lot more fun for you if he would join you in activities, but I hope you enjoy them without him, either alone or with friends. I'm single so I usually go for walks alone, but I also am a member of a seniors walking club so once a week I have the fun of hiking with other people.
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I do have friends and enjoy outside activities but he pouts like a child when I go out - and he's constantly calling me and that's so annoying.
 
againstthegrain said:
It sounds depressing for you and likely he is depressed, as well. If you're going to stay w him it seems you're going to have to fill in the void w other people and activities.

No boat rides I guess?
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Let me explain - he has a boat and has numerous boats - wants something until he gets it and then doesn't want it anymore. He fishes but always makes up some excuse why he can't go alone. I do go out with him but he complains about everything the entire time we're out - no fun forme.
 
Madison said:
Yes he did - parents passed away and no siblings. This is his 1st marriage my 2nd - I have 3 grown children who don't really approve of the way he treats me but tolerate him for my benefit. I know he's selfish and unappreciative but I've catered to him for so long don't think I would even know how to change.
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He doesn't need therapy. He's not depressed. He is the only person he knows how to be.
His parents might have been the ones who gave him a better attitude but really he's only happy doing what makes him happy.

The advice by the others here about taking care of yourself is the best advice. As for his calling, that's just immature. Immaturity covers a lot when it comes to an only child.
 
Madison said:
I do have friends and enjoy outside activities but he pouts like a child when I go out - and he's constantly calling me and that's so annoying.
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I am assuming you do not have enough money to divorce and get out .

I also assume he will not change his pouty ways so why enable him ?

Please do not feel obligated to look after him because he is mentally unstable; that's a job for a shrink.

You owe him nothing. Get on with your life.
 
You need a come to meet Jesus meeting ! Which means tell him out flat. You wanna sit there grow dust,fine but life is short and I am going to start living mine.
Then do it! Give him a reasonable amount of concern. Take care of you first!
 
You chose him to begin with and you need to find out why. Otherwise nothing will ever change and you won't either. He seems to be perfectly happy with the status quo. Find yourself, Madison, Maybe with a psychotherapist? Or something else? Search for it. It's there waiting for you to find it.
 
OregonGuy said:
I am assuming you do not have enough money to divorce and get out .

I also assume he will not change his pouty ways so why enable him ?

Please do not feel obligated to look after him because he is mentally unstable; that's a job for a shrink.

You owe him nothing. Get on with your life.
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The money isn't really an issue - I'm almost 75 years old - divorce doesn't really seem like a logical option at this point in our lives.
 
Not everyone who stays at home is depressed and needs help. Some just like doing nothing. It seems to me there are two very different personalities involved here ā€“ one outgoing and the other reclusive. Talk to him ā€“ explain that you donā€™t mind going out to events alone ā€“ he doesnā€™t need to come unless he chooses to. Then find some activities you can both enjoy together. I am hesitant to offer any advice as we donā€™t know his side of the story.
 

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