Cutting ties with toxic people in your life. Sometimes it is necessary, even with relatives.

I had to cut off all ties with my niece. My brother had to deal with a lot of trouble with her through out her growing up. When she was little I had a special bond with her but when she grew up she wanted to be this outlaw type of girl and was also very loud. If she didn't get her own way she would yell and carry on till my parents (her grandparents) would give in to her. Well, I am not made that way. I stayed away from her as much as possible. Then when my father died, she put me through hell and I had enough.

She eventually had her five children taken away from her. By that time, even my brother was not having any contact with her. Always demanding money or accusing others of something or other. She sent death threats to her mother, stepmother who raised her and to my brother's present wife. In May of this year she died from an infection in her liver. I had stalked her fakebook page every now and then to see if she was alive. I always thought someone would do her in because she was so aggressive toward others. Yes, I felt bad about it but I could not deal with her. Even more so after moving here and being alone.
 

They say "Blood is thicker than water". Maybe so, but that doesn't mean it's better. I try to give relatives compassionate allowance when they express toxic behavior. Are they going through a turbulent event in their life? A divorce? A horrible medical diagnosis?
Job loss? Depression? Loss of a spouse? If I understand the situation, I can often be more tolerant. If the toxic behavior becomes permanent, then I exit...stage right.
 
When my parents were killed, my family didn’t know who was going to get “the kid” which was me. My grandparents settled the argument by stepping up and telling the others to forget it, they would be taking care of me. After that, Gramps told grandma and me that if the others want to come around, they will have to call first. My grandparents went to court and the judge gave them legal Guardianship.

I miss seeing the others. My niece is the only member of the family that I have contact with. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have anyone in the family to keep me informed of what’s going on with my family members. It’s very awkward at funerals and weddings. They will approach me, but there’s always a coldness between us. It gets very complicated and difficult to speak about.
 
Been There said:
When my parents were killed, my family didn’t know who was going to get “the kid” which was me. My grandparents settled the argument by stepping up and telling the others to forget it, they would be taking care of me. After that, Gramps told grandma and me that if the others want to come around, they will have to call first. My grandparents went to court and the judge gave them legal Guardianship.

I miss seeing the others. My niece is the only member of the family that I have contact with. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have anyone in the family to keep me informed of what’s going on with my family members. It’s very awkward at funerals and weddings. They will approach me, but there’s always a coldness between us. It gets very complicated and difficult to speak about.
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This is a very sad story. I'm sincerely sorry for all of your losses. :cry:🤗
 
StarSong: Thank you. At the time and being 9 years old, I was a scared little boy. My one uncle, my dad’s brother yet, said they should consider putting me in an orphanage. That’s when Gramps jumped up from the table and looked my uncle in the eyes and said, “I’ll be damned.” He will live here with us. My grandparents were still fairly young and the judge agreed. As it turned out, it may have been the best thing that happened to me in my life.
 
Yeah, I had to cut ties with my last relationship. It took several years of agony but when I finally realized it was affecting my health – snip. It wasn’t all bad & we had many good times but after 13 years her baggage kept rearing its ugly head & only got more intense. The worse part was telling her she was just dead to me because I needed the isolation. I did everything I could to help her move & her parting words were “You Got What You Wanted” – Not Really!
 
Been There said:
When my parents were killed, my family didn’t know who was going to get “the kid” which was me. My grandparents settled the argument by stepping up and telling the others to forget it, they would be taking care of me. After that, Gramps told grandma and me that if the others want to come around, they will have to call first. My grandparents went to court and the judge gave them legal Guardianship.

I miss seeing the others. My niece is the only member of the family that I have contact with. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have anyone in the family to keep me informed of what’s going on with my family members. It’s very awkward at funerals and weddings. They will approach me, but there’s always a coldness between us. It gets very complicated and difficult to speak about.
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I'm really sorry. What a terrible and traumatic loss you experienced. And it sounds like there was some isolation and that is so wrong. I'm sure it affected you greatly.
 
@1955 and @StarSong

I can agree it's harsh. However these were two adults. It's not like my mother telling me when I was a child, she'd be dead by morning just for manipulative attention.

I plan to go completely no contact with my brother after my stepfather is gone. If he doesn't outlive me. I don't know what I will say if anything. He's damaged from our upbringing. We all were. But he is abusive and I can't deal with another abuser. I had a childhood of that. Sometimes you have to say what you need to say.
 
Remy said:
I'm really sorry. What a terrible and traumatic loss you experienced. And it sounds like there was some isolation and that is so wrong. I'm sure it affected you greatly.
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Pray for this awkwardness, and continue to be kind. That might start the healing that is needed.
 
What a raw subject. Toxic can be many things. My son is an addict. He has been on about a five year binge…trashing his whole life. I finally had the gumption to intervene…asked him on vacation and just have not brought him back to where he considers himself home. Meth is a scary drug. It snatches a person’s mind and soul. We are about 20 days out, and I finally see a bit of my simple child again. And I actually do mean a bit simple….he is 14 going on 43 at his best. My friends struggle to understand. They can’t believe the amount of money and heartache I have endured…in trade for hate and abuse. But there is hope. I have two friends whose sons overdosed. They understand…they would give anything for just one more day.
 
Muskrat said:
What a raw subject. Toxic can be many things. My son is an addict. He has been on about a five year binge…trashing his whole life. I finally had the gumption to intervene…asked him on vacation and just have not brought him back to where he considers himself home. Meth is a scary drug. It snatches a person’s mind and soul. We are about 20 days out, and I finally see a bit of my simple child again. And I actually do mean a bit simple….he is 14 going on 43 at his best. My friends struggle to understand. They can’t believe the amount of money and heartache I have endured…in trade for hate and abuse. But there is hope. I have two friends whose sons overdosed. They understand…they would give anything for just one more day.
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My heart breaks for you, @Muskrat .
 
Yeah, I didn’t take it lightly but the “dead to me” phrase came after she had left but was still badgering me. I put blocks on everything but then she started up with my sister. So I let the phrase rip and told her no one else wanted to hear your stuff either. Later on after I forwarded some mail she wrote back to thank me & said she now realizes it was the right thing to do. So it’s been almost 2 years and all’s quite. Often times I think about writing but have to remind myself don’t do it. This is the last picture of us together on the right side. Her two sisters center & right. I should have known the jig was up the way she had that gun pointed at my belly;) I’m a lot skinnier now with all my life style changes.

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Shalimar said:
For whatever reason, many people need a target, a scapegoat/sin eater. It can run in families, certainly has in mine. There is nothing one can do with such a pernicious dynamic except stay away! Horrific as it can be, if they cut

you off, they have done you a favour. Better losing a piece of your heart, than having your soul mangled. These individuals will rip out your heart by the roots and serve it up to you on toast!
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Sounds like you know my family... they couldn't possibly be more toxic. Being the scapegoat has been the toughest thing I've had to deal with in life.
 
1955 said:
Yeah, I didn’t take it lightly but the “dead to me” phrase came after she had left but was still badgering me. I put blocks on everything but then she started up with my sister. So I let the phrase rip and told her no one else wanted to hear your stuff either. Later on after I forwarded some mail she wrote back to thank me & said she now realizes it was the right thing to do. So it’s been almost 2 years and all’s quite. Often times I think about writing but have to remind myself don’t do it.
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Given the context the phrase makes more sense. Sometimes people intentionally misinterpret softer words, hearing only what they want to hear.
 

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