Death of a Spouse

StillLearning

StillLearning

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Location
Minnesota
How do you go on? Please tell me that most widows survive the anguish of loosing their spouse? There are many on this forum that have lost their spouse. I know that this is just the way life is especially as we grow older. I feel so secluded and a lone. I have my children, but even though I'm complaining about be secluded, sometimes being around them is too much.

Words of wisdom?
 

I have given several death notices to parents of dead children and spouses whom list their spouse to an unexpected death. It’s the wrose time in a policeman’s life when we must give a death notice. In 98% of the cases, the parents ir the spouse completely loses it. I have seen both lose consciousness almost immediately given the death notice.

In your case, I have been summoned to homes where spouses have succumbed to cancer, heart attacks, strokes, respiratory diseases, inluding COVID and even accidents. I had an 84 y/o husband fall off a ladder while adjusting the position of his dish about 30 feet in the air. I had a 77 y/o husband drop dead in the driveway while shovels snow. It was only a 4”-6” snow. I had a woman, who I think was 69 who fell while getting out of the tub and it appeared she tripped over her towel.

Any death that is sudden and/or unexpected can be disastrous to the other spouse. What we do is to contact their pastor, if so desired or we can have them taken to a hospital for examination and observation for a few days. From there, the hospital can set up the lone spouse with a specialist for follow-up care. Or, the spouse could do this on their own and consider joining a support group of others who have also experienced the same trauma.
 
StillLearning said:
How do you go on? Please tell me that most widows survive the anguish of loosing their spouse? There are many on this forum that have lost their spouse. I know that this is just the way life is especially as we grow older. I feel so secluded and a lone. I have my children, but even though I'm complaining about be secluded, sometimes being around them is too much.

Words of wisdom?
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Right now, there are three things that I can remember that helped me the most. Those are:

1. I stayed busy even if it is just being on the internet.

2. I had friends that had lost their spouse. They called me and told me if I needed to talk, to feel free to call them and I did because I knew they would understand.

3. I had a pet and that helped me so much.

Another friend lost her spouse and I told her if she needed someone to talk to, to call me. She called and has told me that helped her so much. It helps a lot having someone to talk to that you know they will understand.
 

You go on because you have to at first. Eventually, you begin to enjoy things again. It takes time. Forgive yourself and heal a little more each day. Spouses left behind often feel guilt that they could have or should have done more and the outcome would have been different. But this isn't true and we can waste precious time blaming ourselves for things that were not our fault.
 
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It is the most heartbreaking time. When my husband passed, I was thankful it was all over, he suffered enough. I kept myself busy, always went out, just to get out of the house and sometimes to meet up with friends for a Coffee. My health did suffer but all good now. I decided to sell our home, too many memories there, it was the best thing I could have done. Yes, you do get lonely, and I always look through old photos of the
good times we shared. I'm so lucky I have 2 wonderful sons who are always close at hand if ever I needed them.
 
I was chatting to a old friend recently who lost her husband very suddenly in his early 60’s

She now the same age as us late 70’s

I was telling her my DH has not been very well on and off for the last 6 months ,and she said you have to really prepare yourself to the fact you might loose him, I really don't want to even think about it ….or life without him .

Even tho we are both in our second marriages we’ve been together 39 years .

We are still able to go dancing once or twice a week so it’s not as if we are sitting home on a chair
and he’s been OK ..and the cardiologist has recommended we keep dancing but maybe leave the fast ones alone
 
My husband passed in 2019. It was not expected. He was in a nursing home at the time. So, in a small way, I had adapted to being in the house alone. I will not forget, but have worked on picking myself up and moving on.

Initially, and this may seem odd, but it was calming to sit and talk with our pet, to let Max know his daddy was not coming home. As others have said, it does take time. I stayed in my house another year, and then decided to leave and move to an apartment. I had supportive friends and family.
Talk it over with others.
 
Buckeye said:
- My condolences on the loss of your spouse. Other posters have given you a lot of good suggestions for coping, and I have nothing to add to them. We all have to deal with the loss in our own way and in our own time, and with wildly varying results.
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Yes there’s no right or wrong way. I have to remember that and all the other suggestions. Thank you everyone. ❤️
 
I joined a widows' group decades ago at the suggestion of a local minister. We went out to lunch once a month to different and interesting restaurants. There were a total of 16 of us but usually only a half dozen or so showed up.
We did not necessarily talk of our losses but felt free to do so and it was just comforting knowing we had support.
Most were older than I and they are all gone now. I treasure those days and the wonderful company.
 
Marie5656 said:
My husband passed in 2019. It was not expected. He was in a nursing home at the time. So, in a small way, I had adapted to being in the house alone. I will not forget, but have worked on picking myself up and moving on.

Initially, and this may seem odd, but it was calming to sit and talk with our pet, to let Max know his daddy was not coming home. As others have said, it does take time. I stayed in my house another year, and then decided to leave and move to an apartment. I had supportive friends and family.
Talk it over with others.
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Oh Marie,I can't believe 5 years have passed already ..I remember it so well.. even when he went into the nursing home...!🤗 I think your Rick would be very proud of how youve coped since he's been gone
 
I developed what I call my T.I.H.I.I. theory (This Is How It Is).

I lost my husband suddenly, without warning, when he was 60. We had been married for 37 years. He literally died in my arms, while I was pounding on his chest, breathing into his mouth and yelling at him to BREATH!

At first, I railed at fate....THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A WIDOW AT 58!! THIS IS NOT WHAT WE HAD PLANNED!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HIM!!!! etc., etc.

Then I pulled up my Big-Girl Underoos and realized This Is How It Is. No matter how unfair it is, I can't change it. No matter how much I miss him, he's not coming back. The only thing I can change is ME. I put one foot in front of the other and kept doing that.

I'm sorry for your loss.
 
I lost my wife of 60 years two years ago. I know what you are going through. The grief hurts physically and mentally. At first, I placed several photos of her around the house. I finally realized a couple months ago that this was just accentuating the pain. I would look at them and choke up. I had to get on with my life without her. So, I took them down, and you know, I'm doing better now. Of course I still miss her and once in a while it will hit me. But at least it's not a constant thing.
 
I think the way forward for everyone can be a bit different. There is a time for grieving, but there is also a time of realization that you need to begin a new chapter for yourself. I think your husband would have wanted that for you. Once that realization happens, and you're ready, I think it's best to take a little time and ask yourself: "What do I really want for my future (However long it may be)".

Do you want to stay living where you are? Is there a network of friends there? Would you want to downsize and make your life a bit simpler? Will you be close enough to health facilities? Would you like to learn new things and meet new people? Do you enjoy and prefer your independence? What are things that seem to really make you happy and feel fulfilled?

Don't rush those answers. Let them perk a while, and when you think you have some answers, then let them serve as a roadmap to get you started in the direction you really want to go. Speaking from experience, this site and all the caring individuals on it can really help fill those lonely hours. It did for me after my spouse passed, and I will forever be grateful for their support. We will always be here for you.
 
StillLearning said:
How do you go on? Please tell me that most widows survive the anguish of loosing their spouse? There are many on this forum that have lost their spouse. I know that this is just the way life is especially as we grow older. I feel so secluded and a lone. I have my children, but even though I'm complaining about be secluded, sometimes being around them is too much.

Words of wisdom?
Click to expand...
The first year is the hardest. Each year brings a better perspective as you relearn optimism.
I found it helpful to join a grief support group who's only agenda was to sit people around the perimeter and each take turns talking about what's on their mind that week. Anybody else in the room was allowed to offer a comment that they felt was helpful. I did that for 2 years along with getting out on some online dates. Anything to get me out and about with people because staying home was unbearable.

The truth about human nature is that we can get used to anything. That's the reason we can recover from grief.

I didn't have pets, but I can see how it would help to have them around to occupy your mind.
 
Inept said:
Do you feel that moving helped? I am in a similar circumstance and I don't know what to do or from where I will find the courage to do it.
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For me, yes. It was physically hard for me to do the yard work, and dealing with snow removal. It took me a while to get used to apartment living (had been years since I lived in an apartment) , I worked on the personal pros and cons. Part was being closer to family. So a great move for me
 

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