Decided to (probably mutually) to end friendship

L

LoveTulips

Senior Member
Location
British Columbia, Canada
So I have been meeting every 3 months or so with a work colleague whom I thought would become a friend. She is still working at the college I retired from and this college is very close to my home. We only meet for one hour during her lunchtime. She and I live very far apart. She comes in by train which only runs during the week, not the weekend.

So we never meet except at her work place. And that would have been fine and once she retired too, we could meet half-way between both our homes to get together. She is not retiring for at least 3 more years. She loves, loves her job.

Anyways, I have been finding that I do not look forward to meeting with her. And I think she may feel the same way. We have nothing to talk about now. We used to talk about work stuff, but many of the staff that I knew have moved on so when she talks about people at work, I don't know them. And then I find and maybe her too, are trying to figure out what to talk about apart from that.

Let me tell you, I find more to talk about with the lady who works at my corner store than my friend. And I usually have no trouble talking about anything to anyone but not with this lady colleague friend? anymore.

So I have not contacted her for 5 months now and neither has she contacted me.

Yet I have no friends, but what is the use of meeting someone when I am forcing myself to do so? Oh, well, I really have to try and get involved with some people, will try the senior centre again.
 

I think that happens a lot. People share common interests when they are at work and once one retires or quits, there is no longer any cohesion It’s hard to meet new friends at places like senior centers. It seems everyone is already paired up with someone and you feel like an outsider trying to fit in. Maybe look for some online friends – join some chat groups? volunteer? church groups? Best of luck. I hope it all works out for you and you meet a wonderful friend.
 
That's pretty normal for 'work friendships'. After awhile, things move on and there's no longer any common ground. I've had probably three or four of those and they're all pretty much over at this point, a few years after retiring. I'm perfectly OK with that too. Life moves forward and is always changing so look for future opportunities to engage with others, if you choose to.
 

astralcat said:
It’s hard to meet new friends at places like senior centers. It seems everyone is already paired up with someone and you feel like an outsider trying to fit in.
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I agree and I found that to be the case also with book clubs. In fact, on a bookswap online site, there was a post of somebody complaining about how hard it was to get and keep a face-to-face book club going. So since at that time--not anymore--I was thinking about maybe starting one, I asked the members all about their book clubs, how they started and ran and how long they lasted and the one and only thing that the successful, still existing book clubs had in common was that all or most of the members already knew each other before they even started the club.
 
I just ended one too, although not a working friendship, but more of a betrayal by a long time friend. Now, when I retired, the friends I had made during business years, are gone. I never hear from them anymore, and when I tried to continue the communications, they seldom responded. The older I have gotten, the fewer friends I have left. So be it.
 
LoveTulips said:
So I have been meeting every 3 months or so with a work colleague whom I thought would become a friend. She is still working at the college I retired from and this college is very close to my home. We only meet for one hour during her lunchtime. She and I live very far apart. She comes in by train which only runs during the week, not the weekend.

So we never meet except at her work place. And that would have been fine and once she retired too, we could meet half-way between both our homes to get together. She is not retiring for at least 3 more years. She loves, loves her job.

Anyways, I have been finding that I do not look forward to meeting with her. And I think she may feel the same way. We have nothing to talk about now. We used to talk about work stuff, but many of the staff that I knew have moved on so when she talks about people at work, I don't know them. And then I find and maybe her too, are trying to figure out what to talk about apart from that.

Let me tell you, I find more to talk about with the lady who works at my corner store than my friend. And I usually have no trouble talking about anything to anyone but not with this lady colleague friend? anymore.

So I have not contacted her for 5 months now and neither has she contacted me.

Yet I have no friends, but what is the use of meeting someone when I am forcing myself to do so? Oh, well, I really have to try and get involved with some people, will try the senior centre again.
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I had a very similar situation about a year ago. Someone I knew long ago in NY had moved to Berkeley, one town away from me, and we started hanging out. But I realized pretty soon that I had a lot of negative feelings towards her, plus she absolutely always wanted things her way: for instance, I like going to movies in the afternoon, she would only go at night. I was bored and annoyed by her, but I don't have many friends out here. I finally decided that's no reason to stay friends with someone I just did not like. So we had a fight and I said I wanted to take a break from our friendship, and that was, as I said, a year ago. I have no regrets.

I think the older we get the harder it is to make new friends. When younger we make friends with people we meet thru our kids or work or other things we do. Now not only don't we meet people as easily, but also most of us become set in our ways and aren't that flexible like we used to be for the give and take of friendship.
 
There’s a saying I’ve found to be absolutely true about friendship.
.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

This has proven so helpful to me as I’ve navigated my friendships over the course of my life.

Ive had deep, meaningful friendships with folks that ended when the reason I had them ended. Case in point, when Grayson was deep into his addiction and I was attending Naranon meetings regularly. When he began working a strong recovery, those close friendships tended to fade away.

During my nursing and child rearing years, again I had wonderful, supportive friendships with other mothers, we were there for each other and each others’ children in so many ways for many years, but as that season of my life ended so too did those friendships.

Honestly some of them may have endured but my ex moved us around so much, across the country twice, and as hard as I tried it became impossible to maintain those friendships long distance.

I made many seasonal friendships through dance too, but many of those have fallen away because those dancers no longer dance or they’ve passed away.

I have several “friends for a lifetime” friendships. We’ve seen each other through a lot, deaths of spouses, parents, children. Relationship upheavals. Business failures. Addicted children. Alcoholism. So much stuff and we’re still there for each other in ways I would never have expected!

I don’t regret or mourn past friendships. They were there for a reason or a season and I’m grateful for them.
 
I have a friend who I will get a phone call from her maybe once or twice a month. She is a very negative person. My phone conversations with her leave me wondering how a person can live with that much negativity in their life. I can deal with the telephone call from her but I am thankful it is not in person.

The people I consider my real friends live in my apartment building. I see and speak to many of them almost daily. What we have in common is living here and being senior citizens or disabled. After you get to know each other though it extends beyond the situation here. When one moves away that friendship does not usually last. Mostly due to distance.

Some of my friends from my past (school, jobs or even relationships) are my friends on facebook. So I interact with some of them daily. Some not so much. I also have people there that I have been friends with for years online and have never met in person. Yes, they are still real friendships.

I have good feelings about the friends in my past and even if they are on my facebook friend list I might not interact with them that much. My interests have changed as my life changed. As you say, nothing in common.
 
LoveTulips said:
So I have not contacted her for 5 months now and neither has she contacted me.
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It sounds as if the friendship has already fizzled out. At some point, one of you may reach out and you will have that option to see her or not. I have some friends from school that can go years without more than a "like" of a FB post and when they message me or I them, it's as if no time has passed. We chat for days or weeks, then fade back into our current life again. :)
 
I've had friends I've worked with and lost touch when job situation changed.
You always say "Let's keep in touch" but we rarely do.
I have acquaintances at work, but no friends really. Nobody I hang out with anyway.
I'm also the oldest person at work. I work in an office on the second floor, and I'm the only one on this floor.
I had a very good friend that I worked with, and we stayed friends after that until he fell off the wagon and pulled a gun on a county commissioner.
He got into some trouble over that, spent a year or so rehabbing, and now he's pretty much a hermit.
I see his wife occasionally and always tell her to say hi to my old buddy.
I did call him about a year or so back, and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me.
We talked over an hour, but he never reached out after that.
One of these days I'm going to just drop in on him.
 
A lifelong friend from school days back in Ohio has chosen to end all friendships outside of her immediate family.
She was always engaging, and fun to talk to, even when I moved away.

But a few years ago, her husband died and she closed everyone out of her life. I found that so sad.
Every year on her birthday I think of her... and her birthday is tomorrow.
 
Trade said:
One of my favorite quotes of all time. From the movie "Stand by me". It is so true.

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The first day of school, when I was 12, I walked down to where we rural kids waited for the bus, and there was a "new" girl my age who introduced herself. I swear it was friend-love at first sight. We're besties to this day even though we haven't lived in the same state since 1967.
 
LoveTulips said:
So I have not contacted her for 5 months now and neither has she contacted me.
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5 months isn't such a long time to be out of touch. Would you be willing to consider another meeting with her once again, and be very open, just as you have with us? If both of you recognize the shortcomings of the friendship, maybe it can be salvaged by finding more in common than just discussing people at work. I don't see how you would have anything to lose by trying.

LoveTulips said:
Yet I have no friends, but what is the use of meeting someone when I am forcing myself to do so?
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I understand, but I sometimes force myself out of my comfort zone. Most Sundays, I go out to eat with a group of 3-6 people.. The conversations are usually casual. It's not so much what we talk about, but that we are enjoying some company now and then; sharing bits and pieces of our lives. These Sunday lunches aren't necessarily intended to foster deep friendships, but we are maintaining a human connection, and (for me) it beats becoming reclusive.
 
JustBonee said:
A lifelong friend from school days back in Ohio has chosen to end all friendships outside of her immediate family.
She was always engaging, and fun to talk to, even when I moved away.

But a few years ago, her husband died and she closed everyone out of her life. I found that so sad.
Every year on her birthday I think of her... and her birthday is tomorrow.
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I'd keep trying to keep in touch sometimes there will be a breakthrough
 
With nearly everything, there's a point of diminishing returns...after that you get less value and good from it and becomes negative ,boring,annoying. Eventually, I disdain those former friends
If you think someone is normal, you probably don't know them well enough.
Work pals usually end when the job is over, if that's the main bond

I am friends with a work friend for 11 years now after we left work, mainly on the phone though.
One friendship I met at work ended after 19 years and long past point of diminishing returns
It's a long story.
 
One thing I've always thought about friendships is that opposites usually do NOT attract. And I've noticed that when people argue that yes, they do too, they're always referring to a friendship that started when the 2 opposites were young, not anywhere near adulthood. So I still think that being too different from someone else does not usually lead to friendship unless you're pretty young.
 
LoveTulips said:
Anyways, I have been finding that I do not look forward to meeting with her. And I think she may feel the same way. We have nothing to talk about now. We used to talk about work stuff, but many of the staff that I knew have moved on so when she talks about people at work, I don't know them. And then I find and maybe her too, are trying to figure out what to talk about apart from that.
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I go through the same thing about every month with my older sister. She and I meet for breakfast once a month and she will talk about what's going on at her job which I used to work there (Note: do not ever get your relatives working with you, not a good thing)

Issues, problems and others who still work there, but I didn't care about then, and now even less. If we both added something to the meeting, or got some good information or ideas, I'd happily continue it.

But when I relocate for the last time, I won't be divulging where.
 

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