Disagreement

oldman

oldman

Well-known Member
Location
PA
My wife and I have very few disagreements and when we do, we can usually settle it in a short time. However, I started a discussion on moving. It’s not the home, but the location. Our previous home burned and we built this home, which at the time was very nice and I liked everything about this place, except the location. I always wanted to move to a place that I chose. Previously, my wife chose the locations of our other homes.

I have a few places that I would like to move to. I gave her my short list, but she doesn’t agree with any of them. I asked her what was her reasoning for each place on the list. On two of the five choices, she just said, “No, I don’t want to live there.” Is that a real answer?

In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on. I doubt if I’m going to change her mind because I asked her what if I made a new list. She’s insistent on staying put. She wants me to give her a good reason why I feel the need to move. I told her that I was just tired of living here. I have lived in this county practically my whole life. Other than my time in the service, my time away for college and the few months a year we spend in Florida, this area has been home for most of my life.

I feel it’s time for a change. If not now, it will never happen. My closest friend told me that I should concede the loss and do something different to my home to make it seem like a different place. Thoughts?
 

oldman said:
In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren.

I feel it’s time for a change. If not now, it will never happen. My closest friend told me that I should concede the loss and do something different to my home to make it seem like a different place. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I think you're correct, my wife is in the same mindset. Is the current location of your home in an area that has undesirable features(high crime, poor infrastructure etc?). You could transform your home, but if it is the location that you object to, not sure what can be done.
Erect fence or plant trees to block the view of the surroundings. Build a courtyard or atrium, that's something I always wanted.
 
I never understood the reason - "It's time for a change." When I make a change, it's because of an improvement or some type of benefit. Especially when the change involves a hassle, like moving.
And not wanting to be too far from loved ones is a legitimate reason to stay where you are.
 

Hi oldman, maybe your wife feels it’s already too late, if the worst should happen and either one of you were suddenly left on your own, it makes sense not to want to be too far away from your children and grandchildren, and wonder why, if this is the reason, your wife hasn’t told you

How about a compromise and, spending the money it would’ve cost to move, on some adventurous trips and long stay holidays, enjoy it knowing you have a secure home to return to with a loving family close by without the permanence and upheaval of moving
 
I also think it's the kids and the grands. I also think she may just not be up to a major change like moving house and a different locale.

Moving is way up there on life's stressors along with death and divorce.

I understand your desire for a major change, but your wife is in no way ready. Just my 2-cents. Good luck.
 
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Pray, What have we to with it?
Think about who you are asking about a major life decision.
This is a husband/wife decision.
Even if all of us agreed with you, your wife does not.

You might take her on a vacation to a place you are considering.
While you are there, you might ask if she loves it enough to move there.
or, Get a second home there?
You are restless. Maybe you could flip a coin or buy a boat. (tee-hee)
 
oldman said:
My wife and I have very few disagreements and when we do, we can usually settle it in a short time. However, I started a discussion on moving. It’s not the home, but the location. Our previous home burned and we built this home, which at the time was very nice and I liked everything about this place, except the location. I always wanted to move to a place that I chose. Previously, my wife chose the locations of our other homes.

I have a few places that I would like to move to. I gave her my short list, but she doesn’t agree with any of them. I asked her what was her reasoning for each place on the list. On two of the five choices, she just said, “No, I don’t want to live there.” Is that a real answer?

In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on. I doubt if I’m going to change her mind because I asked her what if I made a new list. She’s insistent on staying put. She wants me to give her a good reason why I feel the need to move. I told her that I was just tired of living here. I have lived in this county practically my whole life. Other than my time in the service, my time away for college and the few months a year we spend in Florida, this area has been home for most of my life.

I feel it’s time for a change. If not now, it will never happen. My closest friend told me that I should concede the loss and do something different to my home to make it seem like a different place. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
You and your wife have few disagreements, any spats are settled in a short time. Well done the pair of you.
Following the fire at your previous home you built the place where you are and loved it. But you're not happy with the location.
Is that all? Seriously?
You give your wife a short list of where you want to move to and she replies that she doesn't want to live at any of them.
In response you question if her reply is a real answer. What happened to: "You and your wife have few disagreements, any spats are settled in a short time?"
What is so unreasonable in wanting to stay close to family? Your closest friend said that you should concede the loss. What loss. You want some advice?
Count your blessings.
 
win231 said:
I never understood the reason - "It's time for a change." When I make a change, it's because of an improvement or some type of benefit. Especially when the change involves a hassle, like moving.
And not wanting to be too far from loved ones is a legitimate reason to stay where you are.
Click to expand...
Change for the sake of a change. That's all. And I can relate. I like moving to a different place. Different scenery, new faces, new places to do business with... It's stimulating.
 
We just moved back to our home state in PA. We were both raised in different parts of the country but when we met he lived in PA so that's where I settled and worked, too. Then our lives changed and we weren't married at the time so he moved to CA to be closer to his kids. I stayed in PA. I had a good job and friends. We met up again in 1997 and I went to CA with him. We got married and lived there until he retired in 2001. He wanted to sell the house and everything we had and buy a fifth-wheel and truck and travel around the country, so we did that for 3 1/2 years. Then, he wanted to settle in TX so we bought a home and lived there for a few years.

We moved back to PA in 2008 (my idea, not his) and bought a home. We stayed there for 6 years and he decided he wanted to go to AZ, which we did. I loved my house in PA and we had great neighbors, friends, church, family not too far away and it was peaceful.

We lived in AZ for 8+ years and I threatened to leave after the first 3 years and go back to PA and he'd always tell me to pack up and go. I didn't and hated every minute there but I was resigned to the fact that that was going to be our last move as he was 81 and I was 75 by then.

Then, one day, he asked me if I still wanted to go back to PA and I was so happy I could have cried. It was tough and expensive but we made the move in February and we're finally getting settled in after a couple months of renovations but we both love it here and he's said so many times that we should have come back sooner.

My point is...you HAVE to BOTH agree on where you want to be. Believe me, life doesn't get any longer as you get older and the clock is ticking.
Don't waste time living somewhere you can't be happy in. Compromise on a location. Talk to her and find out what's really on her mind about why she doesn't want to leave. Respect that. Don't MAKE her go somewhere she's going to resent you for down the road.
 
Gaer said:
You might take her on a vacation to a place you are considering.
While you are there, you might ask if she loves it enough to move there.
or, Get a second home there?
You are restless. Maybe you could flip a coin or buy a boat. (tee-hee)
Click to expand...
That's exactly what I was going to suggest. If you can afford to take your wife on an extended vacation once or twice a year, maybe she'd change her mind. But even if she doesn't, you'd get a break from the same old place. Might be a good compromise.

If the Missus is reluctant about vacationing, consider taking one of your kids or grandkids or great-grandkids along with the two of you. My siblings and I got to take turns vacationing with our grandparents every year. Some great memories.
 
Not much to go on so I'll ask what I is missing for me.

1. What location do you want to move to?
2. What's wrong with your current location?
3.Do you want to build again or buy what is available?

Then there is this.
Quote
In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on.

1. Rather than form an opinion why not ask your wife if in fact not wanting to relocate is because she wants to stay close to family?
2. Why don't you want to stay close to family?
3. Have you thought about what her life will be like away from family if you die 1st?
 
Nope I disagree with most people above... I feel that as you've never been allowed to choose where to live, then you've never been 100 % happy in your home, and I feel your wife is being a little selfish in not realising that you need to be happy too..

I think your reasons for wanting to move are sound, and it's precisely the reason I would like to move, pastures new... and as you say if not now. it will be never. You're not too old or infirm that you need family on your doorstep, so that argument doesn't wash.. They're all grown with their own families..and in todays climate you can face time, and video chat.. you don't have to be next door to see them
 
oldman said:
My wife and I have very few disagreements and when we do, we can usually settle it in a short time. However, I started a discussion on moving. It’s not the home, but the location. Our previous home burned and we built this home, which at the time was very nice and I liked everything about this place, except the location. I always wanted to move to a place that I chose. Previously, my wife chose the locations of our other homes.

I have a few places that I would like to move to. I gave her my short list, but she doesn’t agree with any of them. I asked her what was her reasoning for each place on the list. On two of the five choices, she just said, “No, I don’t want to live there.” Is that a real answer?

In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on. I doubt if I’m going to change her mind because I asked her what if I made a new list. She’s insistent on staying put. She wants me to give her a good reason why I feel the need to move. I told her that I was just tired of living here. I have lived in this county practically my whole life. Other than my time in the service, my time away for college and the few months a year we spend in Florida, this area has been home for most of my life.

I feel it’s time for a change. If not now, it will never happen. My closest friend told me that I should concede the loss and do something different to my home to make it seem like a different place. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
You saying you're tired of living there is really no different than her not wanting to live there. Both are not really an answer IMO. Maybe try being more direct and asking her if it's because of the children. Sometimes beating around the bush with women is pointless. You might get farther along in the discussion if you just say what you think.
 
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Whoa! This forum is not a place to study your relationship with your wife and ”time for a change“ is far too vague a reason to uproot your home. Sit down with yourself and decide specifically why YOU believe a move is appropriate and necessary, with an emphasis on specifics. Next give some thought to why your wife might object to your reasons. She just might be right, but at least approach a discussion with her with a thorough understanding of her likely feelings in the matter. Then, when you are fully prepared, sit down with your partner in life, discuss the issues, and come to a mutually agreeable solution.
 
I occasionally bring up the same topic of discussion with my wife, and she also disagrees with any suggestion I make. However, I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice. There is a nice medium sized city about 30 miles away that would be my choice....all the necessary amenities, and roughly the same distance from the family members. Hopefully, she will begin to see the need to plan for the day when we begin to decline. Moving would be a major hassle, but if she were suddenly left alone here, it would be a real mess for her.
 
Knight said:
Not much to go on so I'll ask what I is missing for me.

1. What location do you want to move to?
2. What's wrong with your current location?
3.Do you want to build again or buy what is available?

Then there is this.
Quote
In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on.

1. Rather than form an opinion why not ask your wife if in fact not wanting to relocate is because she wants to stay close to family?
2. Why don't you want to stay close to family?
3. Have you thought about what her life will be like away from family if you die 1st?
Click to expand...
I formulated the same questions in my mind in what I was about to post. So, I truly believe that you need to answer these for yourself. 'Being bored' seems like a midlife crisis, in my opinion.
 
Don M. said:
I occasionally bring up the same topic of discussion with my wife, and she also disagrees with any suggestion I make. However, I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice. There is a nice medium sized city about 30 miles away that would be my choice....all the necessary amenities, and roughly the same distance from the family members. Hopefully, she will begin to see the need to plan for the day when we begin to decline. Moving would be a major hassle, but if she were suddenly left alone here, it would be a real mess for her.
Click to expand...
Do you tell her that or just ask her if she's considered moving?
 
Well for all those who say this isn't the place to talk about this -- I say it's a great place to talk about almost anything. First of all, typing things out helps put our thoughts in order. Just explaining a situation can reveal things we hadn't considered and second, you have all this free expert advice!

To Oldman I would say: You want to make a change and to live in a place you have chosen. (I don't blame you)
She wants (we think): To be close to the children and not have the moving hassle.

Maybe you can find a place you like that is still close enough to the kids to suit her and you can promise to handle the moving details yourself.

When we moved here it was the same town, but about ten miles away, from country to suburbs, two story cape cod to brick ranch, two acre lot to a half acre, all different neighbors -- it seemed like a wonderful change, everything is easier to keep up and we're happier all around.
 

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