Disagreement

Would it be feasible to acquire a vacation home in one of the places you’d like to live in, by yourself part time, like a few months or weeks at a time? Are you both healthy enough and independent enough to take care of your needs on your own? Wouldn’t have to be large, a cottage, cabin, or apartment?

I actually know a couple in their 60s who have been living apart, part time, successfully for a few years. I don’t know what led up to it, but they get together for a few weeks several times a year like holidays, events like weddings. I don’t know what led up to it and nobody we know has nerve enough to ask them. The wife doesn’t have a job and the husband makes enough to afford it.
 

oldman said:
In my opinion, I think she doesn’t like the idea of moving too far away from the children and grandchildren. I haven’t said that to her, but I’m fairly certain I’m right on. I doubt if I’m going to change her mind because I asked her what if I made a new list. She’s insistent on staying put.
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You answered your own question .... now discuss your feelings about that with her.

I think women in general are more secure around family. and just feel happier with that closeness, especially in old age.
Giving up living around the grandkids and watching them grow is asking a lot.

Seems to me that men can wander more freely, and not feel that importance of having the closeness of family.. JMO
 
Bonnie said:
You answered your own question .... now discuss your feelings about that with her.

I think women in general are more secure around family. and just feel happier with that closeness, especially in old age.
Giving up living around the grandkids and watching them grow is asking a lot.

Seems to me that men can wander more freely, and not feel that importance of having the closeness of family.. JMO
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It also depends on circumstances, obviously a person with one child they don’t see very often, and no grandchildren would view the situation very differently to somebody with a large, close family
 
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Colleen said:
We just moved back to our home state in PA. We were both raised in different parts of the country but when we met he lived in PA so that's where I settled and worked, too. Then our lives changed and we weren't married at the time so he moved to CA to be closer to his kids. I stayed in PA. I had a good job and friends. We met up again in 1997 and I went to CA with him. We got married and lived there until he retired in 2001. He wanted to sell the house and everything we had and buy a fifth-wheel and truck and travel around the country, so we did that for 3 1/2 years. Then, he wanted to settle in TX so we bought a home and lived there for a few years.

We moved back to PA in 2008 (my idea, not his) and bought a home. We stayed there for 6 years and he decided he wanted to go to AZ, which we did. I loved my house in PA and we had great neighbors, friends, church, family not too far away and it was peaceful.

We lived in AZ for 8+ years and I threatened to leave after the first 3 years and go back to PA and he'd always tell me to pack up and go. I didn't and hated every minute there but I was resigned to the fact that that was going to be our last move as he was 81 and I was 75 by then.

Then, one day, he asked me if I still wanted to go back to PA and I was so happy I could have cried. It was tough and expensive but we made the move in February and we're finally getting settled in after a couple months of renovations but we both love it here and he's said so many times that we should have come back sooner.

My point is...you HAVE to BOTH agree on where you want to be. Believe me, life doesn't get any longer as you get older and the clock is ticking.
Don't waste time living somewhere you can't be happy in. Compromise on a location. Talk to her and find out what's really on her mind about why she doesn't want to leave. Respect that. Don't MAKE her go somewhere she's going to resent you for down the road.
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I was born and raised in Ohio, but my husband was raised in AZ, so when I my VW nearly slid into a moving train on an icy road one winter, I felt it was time to give it up. AZ was fun until summer. I did like horseback riding in the Superstitions and Sedona, as well as learning how to cook Mexican food, however, my dreams were filled with my dying at my desk and no one noticed after 15 years. I had outgrown the husband and AZ, so off to the Bay Area. Twenty years on, the traffic, intense competition, and watching my culture vanish - it was time to move on again. My husband's family remains the Bay Area but they don't seem to miss him too much. It was a real blessing to live in a small town, near a hospital and medical offices within walking distance, especially during the pandemic. Sometimes, the reason we move to one place is no longer useful and there is no point to stay.
Each move was filled with fear but the pain of staying was stronger.
 
If it were me, this is what I would have thought -

1) You said your previous house burned down and you built a new one. That probably took a big toll on you and your wife as you made choices on building your new house. You stamped your identity on the house you're living in. Moving does not guarantee that you will find happiness. Any house you will move into will probably require some work and maintenance to make it the way you want it. She might not want to go through that hassle. Unless you buy a brand new house.....

2) Like others here, family is important as we grow older. If something happened to one of you, you would have family to support you through the difficult times. I try not to underestimate the value of family.

3) You mentioned changing location - you're already spending time in Florida besides your house. If you're looking for adventure, take a trip or vacation if you can afford it. Maybe a change of pace is what you're looking for?

4) Become more involved in your community/church etc. So you feel more connected, if possible, to the location.

5) Make a list of what you want in a house, and include location in it (size/bedrooms/acreage/location/weather/cost of living/price of home/etc). Ask her to do the same. Maybe list 10 items. Then give each item 10 points and see where your similarities and differences are.

6) Last, communicate, communicate, communicate!
 
Don M. said:
I occasionally bring up the same topic of discussion with my wife, and she also disagrees with any suggestion I make. However, I know the day is coming when my ability to maintain this rural property will end, and we will have little choice. There is a nice medium sized city about 30 miles away that would be my choice....all the necessary amenities, and roughly the same distance from the family members. Hopefully, she will begin to see the need to plan for the day when we begin to decline. Moving would be a major hassle, but if she were suddenly left alone here, it would be a real mess for her.
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I think I understand where you are coming from. As a kid, the family and I would spend a week or two in most summers fishing and swimming at California's Clear Lake. It was great! I loved it and back then thought what a wonderful place to retire, but as age crept up on me the idea became increasingly impractical and no longer had much appeal. Prior to coming here I spent many years in another retirement group. One of the members had chosen to retire on Orcas Island in Puget Sound, a beautiful place, but a long ferry ride to Seattle. He and his wife spent many years there living on a mountain side. As time wore on they moved closer to Orcas's small town, but even that wasn't enough. He finally had to admit that taking all day for a 15 minute doctor appointment just wasn't working, and they moved to the mainland. As we age, an ability to drive, as well as proximity to friends, family members, and the amenities of civilization can be a major issue.
 
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All great answers, suggestions and ideas. It’s not that I couldn’t be happy staying put, but I like change. I wrote a few times that my dad made a career in the Army, but fortunately, we only moved four times throughout his career.

I really do believe that I am involved in a argument that I am not going to win. We live in a low crime area, good neighborhood, most everything is the way most people would want their surroundings to be. Our children live within 10 minutes of our home and the grandchildren that are grown also live nearby. I think this is going to be a no-win situation

For now, I am going to leave the subject alone for another few months and when fall gets here, I can remind her of the cold weather with the snow, sleet and ice season we are about to take on again. My wife does not like the cold weather, let alone the precipitation.

Thanks for all the replies. I will let you know when I reopen this Pandora’s box later in the fall.
 
Gary O' said:
That's where my mind immediately goes
('cept in my case it'd be build not buy)

On the other hand
vacations are great to come home from

Anymore, we take virtual trips
Home always looks/feels better after those
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If I would have read Gary’s posts back when I first retired, I would have considered it just as a place to spend long weekends.
 
Do some traveling. Look into AirBnB or VRBO rentals. You’ll feel like you’re living in a different house!
Now may not be the best time to jump into the housing market in the USA.
 
O;ldman, you aren't happy where you live now. Make a list of your reasons why. Discuss the list with your wife. I wouldn't be too hopeful about changing your wife's view about moving-leaving behind family and especially grandkids. Maybe if you had concrete plans on where you'd like to live. I assume you aren't going to ditch your wife, take your list and see how to minimize your wanderlust.
 
Knight said:
You do mean oldman I hope.
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Haha - I was going to post the same questions to oldman, actually. But, I'd never accuse YOU of a midlife crisis, of course! I do think you and several other people, excluding me, gave him good advice!
 

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