Do some parents set unrealistic expectations?

Actually, failure is part of life, it is how we react to it that counts. Successful businessmen see failure as nothing but a stepping stone and learning opportunity.

I've had friends who succeeded in getting rich without any education and any encouragement because they decided for themselves. The fire was in them.
 

My parents did not have any expectations (except when it came to religion). They did not push me to go to school. It was my dream to go to school. Yet they were good role models. They showed me how to be persistent and how to work hard. They showed me what forgiveness is all about and the importance of charity. I learned from their examples. These attributes helped me succeed. Whatever I chose to do, they would listen and then I would do it (go to school) and they were fine with it. The closeness of our family is what kept me out of trouble, if that makes sense.
 

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"You know when parents tell their kids that they can be anything they like, that there is no limit to achievement."

I think that "they can be anything they like" is a popular line in movies. I can only speak for myself. My parents never said that & I've never said that to our sons.

As an encouragement to a child that has the mantal capacity to strive on their own to achieve something they want even then as a parent to child conversation it seems far fetched to me.

Unless there is self motivation by a child old enough to want to achieve a particular goal. I just don't see parents having a conversation telling a child.

"there is no limit to achievement."
 
@Rose65 I've actually heard that medical doctors have a high dissatisfaction rating with their jobs. Veterinarians have a higher suicide rate. I do believe you can put an overachievement on a child. Or there is the opposite. A mother and stepfather who didn't care that I got put in classes for slow learners, got poor grades and worked low wage menial jobs.

People are getting into high debt for high but not readily employable degrees. I had low debt when I graduated, long ago paid off early. I had qualified for some grants, lived broke and took out those student loans.
 
My parents just wanted me to do the best that I could. My parents attended all of my baseball, basketball and football games. Mom was the cheerleader while dad would just sit and watch the games. If I looked up at him in the stands, he seemed to never change positions or facial expressions and mom would be doing the yelling and cheering. I ran two kickoffs back for td’s the night before. The next morning at breakfast, my dad said “good game last night.” And that was all he said. I asked him what he thought of those two td’s. He said I had some really great blocking in front of me.

I was almost a straight A & B student throughout high school, except for Latin in ninth grade. I hated that class. My dad asked me why don’t you ask your guidance counselor to take you out of that class for the second semester. I told dad I didn’t want to do that because I would look like a failure. My dad told me he didn’t expect me to be perfect in everything I did.

The next day I went to see my Guidance Counselor and he took me out of Latin for the second semester. I couldn’t get above a C and I knew a D wasn’t far behind for the second semester and I knew if I would have brought a D home on my report card, I wouldn’t drive my car for a month. To this day, I still don’t like Latin. My Latin teacher asked me why I dropped her class. I told her I wasn’t planning on being a priest, a doctor or a pharmacist, so I thought I may as well take another subject that I could do better with. She agreed they were all good reasons.
 
Rose65 said:
Well, he wanted her to succeed but she just did not have the brain. He had money and tried - at least he's honest about it. No matter how much you love your kids, they sometimes just are not going to be successful
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I would hate to have a father like him.
As far as I am concerned, as long as one excels at being a good human being, that's success.
 
"Give me success or it's eternal pursuit and I'll take the pursuit."

I know my life would have turned out so differently if I were given any encouragement
as a child or teen. ( or even young adult) I think if a child shows any interest in anything,
he or she should be inspired into limitless, unbounded advancement in that area.
You can't confine the human mind into limits.
 
palides2021 said:
My parents did not have any expectations (except when it came to religion). They did not push me to go to school. It was my dream to go to school. Yet they were good role models. They showed me how to be persistent and how to work hard. They showed me what forgiveness is all about and the importance of charity. I learned from their examples. These attributes helped me succeed. Whatever I chose to do, they would listen and then I would do it (go to school) and they were fine with it. The closeness of our family is what kept me out of trouble, if that makes sense.
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You were lucky. Good family is everything.
 
oldman said:
My parents just wanted me to do the best that I could. My parents attended all of my baseball, basketball and football games. Mom was the cheerleader while dad would just sit and watch the games. If I looked up at him in the stands, he seemed to never change positions or facial expressions and mom would be doing the yelling and cheering. I ran two kickoffs back for td’s the night before. The next morning at breakfast, my dad said “good game last night.” And that was all he said. I asked him what he thought of those two td’s. He said I had some really great blocking in front of me.

I was almost a straight A & B student throughout high school, except for Latin in ninth grade. I hated that class. My dad asked me why don’t you ask your guidance counselor to take you out of that class for the second semester. I told dad I didn’t want to do that because I would look like a failure. My dad told me he didn’t expect me to be perfect in everything I did.

The next day I went to see my Guidance Counselor and he took me out of Latin for the second semester. I couldn’t get above a C and I knew a D wasn’t far behind for the second semester and I knew if I would have brought a D home on my report card, I wouldn’t drive my car for a month. To this day, I still don’t like Latin. My Latin teacher asked me why I dropped her class. I told her I wasn’t planning on being a priest, a doctor or a pharmacist, so I thought I may as well take another subject that I could do better with. She agreed they were all good reasons.
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I wish I had a dad that was half as good as yours. Won't get into that story, but to this day, I can honestly say I hated my dad. Not in a way that I feel a victim, but more in a visceral way.
When parents do not live up to your expectations, move on. No, not so much physically, but mentally, emotionally.
Looking for a role model outside of the family is a good start.
Now, I'm not saying a role model in the traditional sense always works, because admit it, we all have flaws.
During my growing days, my 'role model' was made up of characteristics of different people in my life. They didn't know it, but I looked up to their traits as a high bar set to live up to. Bosses, officers in the military, family friends. Collectively they made up my role model, a fictitious person made up of a handful of people.
It worked for me. I never used the baggage of my father as an excuse for not excelling as a person. Ya, he was a bad person, but I discarded him from my life early on.
My children don't know it, but they are so lucky I not the father my father was.
Sometimes we have to "right the ship" of the generational damage done, and start fresh for the sake of future generations.
 
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I've done so much complaining in my life, not having the "perfect" parents/family I thought I deserved.

When I first went to college, at 17, I met people whose parents were terrible! Never saw that before! On this forum, so many years later, I see the same.

I really had it good. Not "perfect," but I really had it good. Sorry for all the dissing over all these years (((mom))) and (((dad.))) Forgive me. Shucks, of course you do! You do because I had it good. I didn't take advantage of all you offered; only saw what you didn't. Not your fault; nobody's fault but mine.
 
Pepper said:
I've done so much complaining in my life, not having the "perfect" parents/family I thought I deserved.

When I first went to college, at 17, I met people whose parents were terrible! Never saw that before! On this forum, so many years later, I see the same.

I really had it good. Not "perfect," but I really had it good. Sorry for all the dissing over all these years (((mom))) and (((dad.))) Forgive me. Shucks, of course you do! You do because I had it good. I didn't take advantage of all you offered; only saw what you didn't. Not your fault; nobody's fault but mine.
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Ive learned that complaining about something that you cannot control is a fools errand. Once you move past, take that chip off your shoulder, discard and move on, its a freeing moment. It allows you to replace that part of your mind with something fresh, new, promising, and gives you a new lease on life by unloading those things, perceived or real, that weigh you down mentally.
I always say, "if you got to have baggage, let it be a carry-on":)
 
Ability, ambition, and discipline are a triad, all elements of which are necessary for success in a given endeavor.

I had sports pushed on me hard by my parents. “A boy’s got to play at least one sport,” my mother would say, yet I had neither the ability nor the desire to shine in athletics. I was an academic and quite successful there, but grew up with the belief that I had disappointed my parents, and that they would have rather had a ball player than an honors student.

In these days of “helicopter parenting,” many parents seem to blame the educational system if their child doesn’t develop into exactly what they expect rather than what their child is. Finding and accepting yourself, warts and all, is a core mission in life, and one that should be honored.
 
Fyrefox said:
Ability, ambition, and discipline are a triad, all elements of which are necessary for success in a given endeavor.

I had sports pushed on me hard by my parents. “A boy’s got to play at least one sport,” my mother would say, yet I had neither the ability nor the desire to shine in athletics. I was an academic and quite successful there, but grew up with the belief that I had disappointed my parents, and that they would have rather had a ball player than an honors student.

In these days of “helicopter parenting,” many parents seem to blame the educational system if their child doesn’t develop into exactly what they expect rather than what their child is. Finding and accepting yourself, warts and all, is a core mission in life, and one that should be honored.
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I agree with everything you said except the blame of the educational system. Going back to the 50's the educational system set a path for dominance over the adolescent mind. This is well documented in Saul Alinskys book "Rules for Radicals".

Now, before you think Saul is a far Right thinker, he is just the opposite. He is a very far Left Marxist and his rational for creating the book (and other writings) is to show how a Capitalist society can, and must, change to a Marxist/Communist society for the 'good on mankind'. Those 'rules' he speaks about lays out a methodical approach to ensure that morphing is successful, without causing alarm to the citizenry.

I know some would disagree on the thesis but you must only look to what is happening in todays educations around the country. Parents are viewed as terrorists when standing up for what their children are taught. There is uprising around the country at school board meeting from concerned parents. Education systems are breaking down premise of what real education is about.

Teaching children as young as 4 or 5 about sex, opposing dialog against the established 'new norms' in schools gets children expelled, breaking down the differences between men and women, black and white, etc. The outcome they are attempting to achieve is the breakdown the family structure. No fathers, no mothers (new name is birthing people), no boys or girls. The reason is that by breaking the family nucleus 'people' will need to turn to the government for all aspects of their lives. I know, its hard to believe, but this is happening.
So to get back to the orgional point, the education system these days is very destructive to our children...by design
 
Jamala said:
I would hate to have a father like him.
As far as I am concerned, as long as one excels at being a good human being, that's success.
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He sent her to really good schools, to give her opportunities but she had no real intelligence. She was average. They gave her a very comfortable loving life.

He was a good dad and a good friend of mine.
 
Sippican said:
I wish I had a dad that was half as good as yours. Won't get into that story, but to this day, I can honestly say I hated my dad. Not in a way that I feel a victim, but more in a visceral way.
When parents do not live up to your expectations, move on. No, not so much physically, but mentally, emotionally.
Looking for a role model outside of the family is a good start.
Now, I'm not saying a role model in the traditional sense always works, because admit it, we all have flaws.
During my growing days, my 'role model' was made up of characteristics of different people in my life. They didn't know it, but I looked up to their traits as a high bar set to live up to. Bosses, officers in the military, family friends. Collectively they made up my role model, a fictitious person made up of a handful of people.
It worked for me. I never used the baggage of my father as an excuse for not excelling as a person. Ya, he was a bad person, but I discarded him from my life early on.
My children don't know it, but they are so lucky I not the father my father was.
Sometimes we have to "right the ship" of the generational damage done, and start fresh for the sake of future generations.
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I have heard and seen worse fathers than those you described. I had a friend, not a real close friend and his father would beat the crap out of him sometimes for doing nothing other than not getting his chores done. One time when I was at his house, his dad was about half drunk and he gave my friend all kinds of crap for not feeing the dogs at the right time.

My friend took a knife that was laying on a table beside us and threw it at his dad just as he turned around. The knife handle hit him square in the back. Had the knife end hit him, it probably would have killed him. His dad asked him if he threw that knife at him and he said "Yeah, I did." After that, his dad seemed not to be so hateful anymore and the slapping and kicking stopped.
 
Gaer said:
"Give me success or it's eternal pursuit and I'll take the pursuit."

I know my life would have turned out so differently if I were given any encouragement
as a child or teen. ( or even young adult) I think if a child shows any interest in anything,
he or she should be inspired into limitless, unbounded advancement in that area.
You can't confine the human mind into limits.
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Gaer, when I was in 4th grade they offered violin so I took it. Then they started charging a small amount. It wasn't much. My mother would not pay it. So I stopped. We were not rich but sure not poor. My stepfather had a good local government job. Those few dollars could have been spent on me but they weren't. It's a small example but it shows a child what their worth is.

Later my mother said I could go to summer camp twice. Got the brochures, let me look at them and dream of going. Both times she decided I couldn't go. What head games.
 
Remy said:
Gaer, when I was in 4th grade they offered violin so I took it. Then they started charging a small amount. It wasn't much. My mother would not pay it. So I stopped. We were not rich but sure not poor. My stepfather had a good local government job. Those few dollars could have been spent on me but they weren't. It's a small example but it shows a child what their worth is.

Later my mother said I could go to summer camp twice. Got the brochures, let me look at them and dream of going. Both times she decided I couldn't go. What head games.
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Ah, That's a shame. But, Life goes on through eternity, so you can still do those things.
 
Sippican said:
The only way someone reaches their true potential is to extend themselves into 'uncharted waters'. Children that push themselves do fail, but they learn from their failures, and don't make the same mistake twice.
Sippican said:
As we grow older and go through life phases, parents project their 'current' views on us from their perspective of an older, more risk adverse, grown up. What they don't realize is their children are at a different life phase, should be encouraged to take more risks.
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Gaer said:
I think if a child shows any interest in anything,
he or she should be inspired into limitless, unbounded advancement in that area.
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I understand this outlook, and in most ways agree with it. Yet I think the wisdom of it depends on context, too.

I'm not thinking so much, here, about my personal experience growing up. I'm thinking about parents' basic responsibilities. In that regard, I like what Paco Dennis had to say about his approach in parenting (post #15).

Still, I believe there need to be some limits regarding encouragement and support... again, it relates to context. Food for thought... if this idea is interesting to you, please check the topic I posted about yesterday:
Parents' responsibilities
 

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