Don't want to highjack the "abandoning parents" thread...grown kids who've abandoned

G

GeorgiaXplant

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia
another sibling? I have a situation like that. It's hurtful and heartbreaking. My DD refuses to speak to or have anything to do with her brother. He's a recovering addict and has been clean and sober for more than six years, but she insists that he hurt/disappointed her too many times and will not forgive him.

What makes it even worse is that I had another son. He died 10 years ago. He was a recovering addict as well and was clean and sober for three years before his death. He hurt and disappointed her at least as much as my living son had. She forgave him long before he died.

My DD will be 50 in May; my son is 52. You know the story about cutting the baby in half and giving a piece to each woman who claimed to be his mother. I feel like a mother who's being cut in half, with a piece given to each child.

DD is the Queen of Grudge Holders. There was a period of time (about 15 years) when she wouldn't have anything to do with her dad! All's well between them now, thank heaven. Wish there was some way to reach her and let her know how much her "shunning" of my son hurts me (and him, too).

Please tell me I'm not the only one. It would help just knowing that there are others with this kind of problem between their kids.
 

I do feel for you; fortunately my two sons still get on really well, but I do have other family members who don't speak at all.
my sister hasn't spoken to my brother's wife for 22 years. My mother and 7 of her siblings don't speak to the 8th.
so it may be more common than you feel, I just have no solution.
 
Omigosh...I can't imagine the isolation that must be felt by the 8th sibling. Also can't imagine not speaking to any of my 13 siblings. I don't get to see or talk to them very often, and a couple of them refuse to join the 21st century and get computers, but I cherish them all and would drop everything to run to their aid if they needed me.

My son's isolation is compounded by being 1200 miles away with no family and only a few friends. At the end of February my DGS and I are driving up there to fetch him and his kitty and bring them back home. He's kept in touch with his friends and business contacts all this time (he's been gone for more than eight years), but DD and I and my DGS and his sisters are his only family here. DGS and his sisters are my grandchildren, his nephew and nieces.

Once he's here..I know DD well enough to know that she'll pout whenever I want to spend time with him. Then there will be holidays. Years that he's spent alone at Thanksgiving, Christmas, July 4...and she's not going to like "sharing" me one bit. It would be a whole lot easier if she'd forgive and accept him so that we could all be together. Sigh.
 

Maybe you will have to let her pout every so often.... But I suspect somebody will come up with better ideas than I.....wait and see.
 
I sure hope somebody has a good idea that will work. BTW, I didn't mention that DD doesn't know yet that DGS and I are going up there to get him. There are going to be major fireworks when I do...waiting until February 1 before I mention it...heaven only knows what the fallout will be. Whatever it is, though, she'll just have to learn to live with it.
 
SeaBreeze, thank you! I've copied and pasted it in my documents and am going to read it again and again...and then send it on to DD.
 
Good luck my dear, sometimes we should just swallow our pride, forgive and move forward...it feels good, not worth holding grudges like that with anybody. Also, kudos to your son for being clean for 6+ years, that is not easy and he should get some consideration for that also. Being shunned by a family member doesn't make it any easier for him I'm sure. As far as going to get him, don't give your daughter any power with the 'fallout' stuff, only she should be affected, let her get all bent out of shape and have a hissy fit is she wants, expect it and ignore it. Nobody should feed the power, life's too short. Also, hope both son and kitty are happy and healthy for a long time to come. :love_heart:
 
Whatever it is, though, she'll just have to learn to live with it.
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Exactly right GX, ultimately it is HER problem. Perhaps she needs it gently explained that she has no right to make it yours. She can indulge herself in whatever she likes but in company she needs to keep it lidded and act as reasonably and politely as expected if only for your peace of mind. You don't owe her the loss of your son's company. Maybe she hasn't thought of it from that angle?
She doesn't have to forgive, or trust him, all that is required is that she be polite to him. Is that too hard?

There was a female, thankfully fairly distant, in my family who fancied herself the arbiter of who should talk to who. We just ignored her and enjoyed her absence from gatherings when she went away to sulk about us not toeing her line. Unfortunately she deigned to give us 'another chance' all too often. :playful:

I don't know too many families who don't have someone not speaking to siblings or parents, their business, as long as it doesn't disrupt other familial relationships.
 
You're exactly right...DD's 6-cylinder snit is expected and I'm prepared for it. I won't let it deter me from going and won't let it color my feelings about him one bit. Aside from the hurt her attitude causes now, when I eventually "assume room temperature" he'll be all there is of immediate family. I hope that between now and then, she gets past holding a grudge so that they'll still have each other. She's the only sister he has; he's the only brother she has. I had hoped that because their brother died, it would register with her how important it is to mend fences. DS wants his sister back, but without her cooperation, that won't happen.

I'm going to think positive thoughts because what I want more than anything in the world is for my family to be more than just some people related only by blood.
 
Di, you must have posted while I was typing. Until now, DD didn't have to be concerned about all of us being together at the same time because he's so far away. When we still lived up there before DH died, we saw DS whenever we chose. Down here, he's too far away to be a "problem" for her.

He came down for my granddaughter's high school graduation five years ago. DD refused to allow him to come to her house or to DGD's graduation party, and she didn't go to graduation because he was there, invited by DGD. Never mind that after my other son died, she raised his kids and DGD lived here! DGD, with all the wisdom of an 18-yeara-old, told her she was invited to her graduation, but so was he, and whether she went or not was up to her but if she chose not to go, she'd be missed.

The graduation party was subdued and a bummer for all.

He stayed in a hotel while he was here. He's never even seen my granny flat. So sad.
 
Sorry GX, I was tending to judge by what I'd experienced but each is different and best sorted out among the people who know best.

I hope she does bend a little because as you say they will only have each other in the future. I have no siblings so doesn't apply but I have 2 cousin siblings who have been each others' main supporting pillars throughout their younger lives and continue to be the closest of friends and mutual supporters in their later years. I envy them that. That they've kind of adopted me as a third musketeer has been one of the greatest 'gifts' I've ever received.

I hope she doesn't regret the loss of contact further on GX, I really do, I know what it can mean to have no one left.
 
I have a Dysfunctional family , mother walked out on Dad and 4 children, dad died in 1978 i have seen my 2nd eldest brother 0nce since then my eldest 3 times and my youngest 4 times, i'm virtually treated like the black sheep of the family, and i moved up her 5 years ago and haven't seen my youngest daughter for 5 years, we talk on the phone etc but no visits as no time and feel very isolated and lonely
 
Georgia, is your daughter a church goer, because if she is, I can suggest a few scripture passages that she might need to reread.

As a young woman I shunned my grandmother and kept it up until she died. Later it was one of my biggest regrets and something I beat myself up about for many years. Forgiveness is balm for the soul of the one who forgives even more than it is for the one receiving it.
 
Oh Georgia,you could have been writing my story! My son was also an addict-has been clean for 7 years now. During his years of using,he, for the most part, lived at home. We had a pool house/apt where he stayed. We also had a small house on the back of our property that we rented out.

Dd and her dh purchased an acre of our property and were going to build a home there for themselves and their 5 kids. So they sold their home and moved into our rental while they were getting all the paperwork to build in order. Dh and I worked out of town for 18 years,commuting to where we had moved here from,so were gone part of the week. So dd had to deal with her brother a lot. She grew to have an intense hatred for him. After he got clean,it took her a very long time to trust that he wasn`t going to go back to using.

He met a girl and while she might not be the first person I would have wanted to see him with,she has been very,very good for him and she loves him to death. She is also a former drug user-clean for 8 years. My daughter can`t stand her. The girl has a heart of gold and tries so hard to be accepted by dd but she just pretty much blows her off.

She and ds are now expecting a baby and I hoped that that would melt dd (she`s a baby freak) but so far I`m not seeing it. It really hurts me-I am so proud of ds and what he has overcome. I was always sure that he was going to end up dead. He is the nicest man-people all over town are always telling me what a nice,kind,sweet son I have.

Anyway,dd has most of the family gatherings at her house now and they have at least a couple of weekend gatherings a month. Dd almost always "forgets" to call ds and his gf and invite them. I`m hoping that when the baby comes she will get over this....
 
Mrs. Robinson, I've even tried to no avail to explain to DD how much it hurts to have this rift in the family. I've asked to her to put herself in my shoes as though her DD/DS are grown and her DD refusing to have anything to do with her brother. She says "That won't happen." Really? She has a crystal ball and can see into the future?

When she and DS were the ages of her kids, their relationship was fine, just regular kids. It breaks my heart.
 
Update to my thread of 1/18/14 re kids abandoning siblings

This past weekend my grandson and I drove up and got my son and his kitty and brought them home again at last. They are all settled in their new apartment, and kitty apparently has accepted his new home...kitties don't usually travel well so he'd probably have been happy anywhere as long as it wasn't in a car!

The trip was The Road Trip From Hell, but in spite of bad weather and bad roads, we made it safe and sound in 10 more hours than it should have taken, and I'm very happy that he's back. He's very happy that he's back, too!

DD's reaction to our road trip? "He could have put his arse on a bus and put the cat in the cargo area." That's all she's said. When I told her in January that DGS and I were going to drive up there to get him, all she said was "You know he won't be welcome in my house. I hope he knows it, too." That was the end of that particular conversation.

Her attitude may change; only time will tell...and it will be a long, long time coming.
 
I am sorry....but maybe time will heal....just have to see them separately for a while....
 
Yes,hopefully she will eventually see (and trust) that he has turned his life around and forgive him. My DD does at least allow DS in her house-and even pretends to love him,for the most part. But she sure rips on him behind his back. But it`s really his fiancée that she doesn`t like-if he weren`t with her,I`m sure she`d be OK with him. Can`t wait to see what happens when their baby girl is born in July. DD is a sucker for an infant so I`m pretty sure she`s going to have a hard time staying away.
 
Thanks for the update Georgia, glad you had a safe trip, and your son and his kitty are settled in, that's wonderful! Maybe your daughter will have a change of heart, but her attitude shouldn't be allowed to have a negative effect on everyone's life. Good luck, sending positive thoughts your way. :love_heart:

My friend will be turning 75 years old soon. She just wrote me that her daughter still doesn't call or visit, or even text her, and it's been a couple of years already. The daughter just has issues, and my friend has always been there for her, as she was quite a wild child, and still is I guess. Sad part is, the daughter only lives a few blocks away, but even when my friend got her pacemaker and had several other serious health issues (she just fell and broke her knee too), the daughter didn't even go to the hospital or call to see how she was. She lives alone, and says that she's heartbroken, then drew a broken heart picture in her letter. :( My apologies, didn't mean to hijack your thread. :)
 
It's not a problem, SeaBreeze...one thing reminds us of another and the words just want to get out!

I emailed DS today that when I woke up Monday morning, yesterday and again this morning, my first thought was that at last he's home and it's a fine way to set up my day. He emailed back that he's "waking up pretty darned happy and grateful to be here, too".

Fetching him home again was worth every cent, every miserable mile of that miserable trip and every bit of aggravation in the planning.

One of these days it will occur to DD that she had two brothers and losing one was (and still is) painful and forgiveness and acceptance are in order before she has NO brothers left. I hope it happens soon.
 
Good that you brought him home, and hope you and your son keep moving forward in a positive way. It must warm the heart to hear him say that he's happy and grateful...hugs to him and his kitty. If your daughter comes around, it will be natural, when she's ready...best not to dwell on it too much. Enjoy the moment, it seems like a good feel. :sunglass:
 
GeorgiaXplant, Seabreeze is right. Enjoy the joy of this moment in time. Encourage when and where you can. But try not to carry their pain, it can eat you up while they don't get it.
 

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