Enter At Your Own Risk

If it weren't for my two little dogs, I would probably have off'd myself yesterday. My answer to that is wait. I tell myself that the feeling of wanting to die will pass, just wait. However, failure is not acceptable.

In 2022, the US government collected $11 billion in tobacco excise taxes. They have a vested interested in keeping smokers smoking. Interestingly, they do not tax tobacco that is being exported.

Tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment, 70 miles away in a city which I do not know very well. I will leave extra early in case I have difficulty finding the place and take the long way around. I will warn staff that I recently quit smoking and apologize in advance for any rude behavior on my part.
Della said:
I was angry, crying and isolated that whole year.
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I am sure this will be my fate for a while.

Della said:
None of the people who were soooo concerned about my health when I smoked said a word of congratulations when I quit.
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Yep. But they sure seem to have a lot to say if you picked up a cigarette again.

I, too, play solitaire and do jigsaw puzzles. I have a couple of new puzzles that I may get out soon.

Brain seems to working a little better today. I figured out the coffee maker, lol.
 

Quit Day 5:

The weekend was rough but things are getting back to the new normal. Brain seems to be back in working order, for which I am very thankful. That was just a little bit concerning, although the concerning part was that I didn't seem to be concerned. More just curiously observing.

Woke up this morning to 0F, about par for this time of year. No real new snow since just after Christmas.

Have to drive 70 miles to the nearest city this morning for doctor appointment. (Hope the car starts, it did yesterday.) Printed out a map as I am not familiar with that area. The route looks very simple. A vascular ultrasound will be performed. They said nothing to eat or drink past midnight, just "sips" of water. Eleven hours of nothing for a vascular ultrasound? Well, poo on them. I had a cup of coffee at 0400, which gives seven hours to be processed by the gut, that is plenty.

The cravings for a cigarette are getting a little bit better. Am starting to cut back a little on the increased coffee consumption. Last night, I noticed a definite case of the munchies, which reminded me why I started smoking again at Quit Day 70 last year: I had lost control of eating. Am thinking about weaning off this nicotine patch, maybe in a couple of weeks. I know there will still be hard times but I hope I am prepared for that.

Onward through the fog.
 
Have nibbles with you, everywhere in the house. Experiment a bit. I keep homemade dips in 1/2 containers in the fridge. Toasted tortillias instead of chips.
 

Quit Day 6:

Yesterday was fine although I forgot the nicotine patch so lots of cravings but got through them without going crazy.

Had a vascular ultrasound which didn't show enough of what the dr wanted to see so now they will schedule a CT scan. WTF. This is done all the time! Just order the best test to start with! This was the first visit to this physician; seems like he knows what he's doing but he was really a jerk. He said, "You're a smoker" and I replied, "Not any more. I quit on Friday." His response? He shook his head and rolled his eyes and said, "You've quit before and failed." Oh! Look! Here's my Soap Box...

I was so astonished. It put me on the defensive, which just made me angry at myself. I ranted to myself all the way home. I am going to practice a speech about how unhelpful the health care establishment is so it will become an automatic response in the future. Ha! You could, however, say that his negative response may actually make me work harder to prove them all wrong. But how many years will that take? And when I die, they will still put smoking on the death certificate even if it has been twenty years' quit.

Maybe sew a patch with a big red S on it and wear that around town. Stand on a corner with a sign that says, "Smokers Unite Against No-Help-Healthcare". "No Help For Smokers". "Kick Smokers While They're Down". "Throw Smokers In Jail". Better yet, start a YT channel.

I wonder if this is how other addicts are treated? As an alcoholic, do you think the health care establishment helped/is helping you with your addiction? My brother has had two hip replacements in the last six months, through the VA (they outsourced him to a private physician and hospital). Everybody was all over his smoking; they refused to do the surgery until he had quit smoking for a month (?), maybe two months. No help at all, he was on his own to quit smoking. Nothing was ever said about his drinking, and his liver enzymes were elevated!

You folks have all been so helpful in this effort. I can't thank you enough.

My name is GoodEnuff and I'm a nicotine addict.
 
GoodEnuff said:
He said, "You're a smoker" and I replied, "Not any more. I quit on Friday." His response? He shook his head and rolled his eyes and said, "You've quit before and failed."
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Wow. I wish you'd said, "Almost every smoker who ever quit had done a few practice runs -- you stupid jerk."

Then you could have gone on to your speech about the healthcare business being all shaming and no help.

I was an Air Force spouse for many years which meant seeing a different doctor almost every time I went. One day after the usual ''I see you smoke two packs a day, you should stop," I asked him if he had any suggestions on how to quit. He looked surprised and said I was the only person who had ever asked him that.

Good for you for going through a long drive and a maddening doctor visit and not pulling into a gas station for a carton of Kools!
 
GoodEnuff said:
Quit Day 6:

Maybe sew a patch with a big red S on it and wear that around town. Stand on a corner with a sign that says, "Smokers Unite Against No-Help-Healthcare". "No Help For Smokers". "Kick Smokers While They're Down". "Throw Smokers In Jail". Better yet, start a YT channel.

I wonder if this is how other addicts are treated? As an alcoholic, do you think the health care establishment helped/is helping you with your addiction? My brother has had two hip replacements in the last six months, through the VA (they outsourced him to a private physician and hospital). Everybody was all over his smoking; they refused to do the surgery until he had quit smoking for a month (?), maybe two months. No help at all, he was on his own to quit smoking. Nothing was ever said about his drinking, and his liver enzymes were elevated!

You folks have all been so helpful in this effort. I can't thank you enough.

My name is GoodEnuff and I'm a nicotine addict.
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lol, better labeled a scarlet 'S' than the 'Scarlet A', I suppose. 'S' gets a rock thrown at us, 'A' got us stoned.

Congrats on Day-6, GoodEnuff! YOU ARE SO STRONG!
 
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Quit Day 7:

Today is a new day. Good thing since yesterday was not so great. Tried going without the nico patch. I think it is too soon to do that. These attacks of what they call "irritation" but I call "rage" are frightening as hell. Dog barking and barking in spite of multiple corrections (which do make her stop at that moment but the next breath of air sets her off again) and I just lost it, yelling at her (never touched her, never will) and sending her to her crate, which I felt at that time was for her own protection.

The whole thing was very upsetting to the point where I thought I was such a bad person for yelling at them that I should give up my dogs, take them to the shelter. I felt so out of control. When I realized how crazy the whole incident sounded I called the state quit line for the first time. She talked me down and I went back to the patch. I need to find a solution for these rages; physical exertion does not help due to physical limitations, which just makes me angrier. Talking to someone else about this seems like an admission of failure of character.

Early this morning, I had the most upsetting nightmare, in color! It was very violent. *shiver* In the dream a friend had betrayed me, I lost everything and in a rage tried shooting the perp because those involved were laughing at me but the bullets has been tampered with and it was more like a squirt gun, for which I was glad because I knew what I was doing was wrong, in spite of the great wrong that had been done to me. I woke up and was still angry for a few minutes after.

I wonder if this is worth it. I am nearing the end of this life anyway, why am I subjecting myself to this torture? I tell myself these thoughts are my brain lying to me. Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
 
GoodEnuff said:
I will give it my best. Yes, I am tired of cigarettes dictating my life.

Just today. I just have to get through today. I can do that.
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I feel that way about food dictating my life.

I quit smoking at 25, after about 5 years of smoking. I have also heard it's more addictive than heroin. And it's not just tobacco. It's full of poisons to keep people addicted.
 
gruntlabor said:
Alternating sessions of meditation and distraction (as in solitaire, a book, a nap, a phone call).
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Thank you for the ideas. I do play solitaire but these rages are so adrenaline-filled, not sure that at the first error in play I wouldn't just throw the computer through the window. Same with a book. Forget a nap. And no one to call that I trust. The quit line person was very kind. I am afraid if I call there too often, though, they will send LEO's to my house, you know, the white coat brigade.

Just one more hour. I am telling myself I can do one more hour; then one more after that. Every ounce of energy is being put into NOT smoking, resisting those desires, cravings, whatever. Having to force myself to eat because the craving for a smoke hits me like a hammer after eating. Washing dishes only when I run out of clean ones. Serious doubts that quitting is the right thing to do. It's starting to not make sense.
 
GoodEnuff said:
Quit Day 6:

Yesterday was fine although I forgot the nicotine patch so lots of cravings but got through them without going crazy.

Had a vascular ultrasound which didn't show enough of what the dr wanted to see so now they will schedule a CT scan. WTF. This is done all the time! Just order the best test to start with! This was the first visit to this physician; seems like he knows what he's doing but he was really a jerk. He said, "You're a smoker" and I replied, "Not any more. I quit on Friday." His response? He shook his head and rolled his eyes and said, "You've quit before and failed." Oh! Look! Here's my Soap Box...

I was so astonished. It put me on the defensive, which just made me angry at myself. I ranted to myself all the way home. I am going to practice a speech about how unhelpful the health care establishment is so it will become an automatic response in the future. Ha! You could, however, say that his negative response may actually make me work harder to prove them all wrong. But how many years will that take? And when I die, they will still put smoking on the death certificate even if it has been twenty years' quit.

Maybe sew a patch with a big red S on it and wear that around town. Stand on a corner with a sign that says, "Smokers Unite Against No-Help-Healthcare". "No Help For Smokers". "Kick Smokers While They're Down". "Throw Smokers In Jail". Better yet, start a YT channel.

I wonder if this is how other addicts are treated? As an alcoholic, do you think the health care establishment helped/is helping you with your addiction? My brother has had two hip replacements in the last six months, through the VA (they outsourced him to a private physician and hospital). Everybody was all over his smoking; they refused to do the surgery until he had quit smoking for a month (?), maybe two months. No help at all, he was on his own to quit smoking. Nothing was ever said about his drinking, and his liver enzymes were elevated!

You folks have all been so helpful in this effort. I can't thank you enough.

My name is GoodEnuff and I'm a nicotine addict.
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The VA will assist with quitting smoking and drinking.
 
GoodEnuff said:
Thank you for the ideas. I do play solitaire but these rages are so adrenaline-filled, not sure that at the first error in play I wouldn't just throw the computer through the window. Same with a book. Forget a nap. And no one to call that I trust. The quit line person was very kind. I am afraid if I call there too often, though, they will send LEO's to my house, you know, the white coat brigade.

Just one more hour. I am telling myself I can do one more hour; then one more after that. Every ounce of energy is being put into NOT smoking, resisting those desires, cravings, whatever. Having to force myself to eat because the craving for a smoke hits me like a hammer after eating. Washing dishes only when I run out of clean ones. Serious doubts that quitting is the right thing to do. It's starting to not make sense.
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Of course it makes no sense to you right now because that is what you want it to make.

A friend kept a daily tally of how much he saved. He calls his new furnace Marlboro.
No, the quit line will not call the law. Their purpose is to listen.
 
gruntlabor said:
This level of agitation is not good for you. Something calming is in order. Hot cocoa? A stiff drink? A doctor's prescription? A relaxing herbal tea?
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Right. I avoid cocoa because of the sugar. A stiff drink, maybe; with the family history of alcoholism, it kind of scares me. An Rx maybe, but they seem to be tired of me asking for something. Herbal tea I will try; I have quite a collection of them.

Just got a call from health care provider. Must go in today for blood word (kidney function) for the CT now scheduled for tomorrow. This will force me to get dressed and get out, which is probably a good thing, even though I dread the thought. I think this is a deep depression at this point.
 
GoodEnuff said:
Herbal tea I will try; I have quite a collection of them.

Just got a call from health care provider. Must go in today for blood word (kidney function) for the CT now scheduled for tomorrow. This will force me to get dressed and get out, which is probably a good thing, even though I dread the thought. I think this is a deep depression at this point.
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Don't take a stimulating herbal tea. Try valerian root, or chamomile or lemon balm maybe.
 
Don't have valerian but do have the other two.

Meanwhile, got on the scale. Have gained two pounds. Not acceptable! So very close monitoring and control is now in order. Maybe that'll take my mind off the cigs.
 
GoodEnuff said:
Don't have valerian but do have the other two.

Meanwhile, got on the scale. Have gained two pounds. Not acceptable! So very close monitoring and control is now in order. Maybe that'll take my mind off the cigs.
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I just found your diary. My best friends BOTH smoked like you. One can barely breathe now and the other had big stroke 8 yrs ago. But they both have AMAZING wives to help them. I am one of the few from my class in school that never did it. Both parents smoked. I read recently the tobacco companies worked hard at manipulating the nicotine in cigs to make them much more addictive. You have my sympathy. And support.

I have heard that cigarettes are as addictive as heroin for some. It sounds like venting here is good for you. Do not stop. Someone mentioned exercise. I was a PE teacher 40 yrs and can assure you it is sound advice. Even walking or stretching or hand weights. I had surgery over a year ago and it knocked back my exercise a lot. I hope you keep talking to us and keep trying. If you want to talk Im retired and can talk your ear off or listen very well. I think they have a PM system here.......Good luck Enuff....
 

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