Estrangement : Have you ever Gone No contact with a Parent , child or close family member?

C50 said:
Sounds like my family. I have four half brothers and a half sister (all dead now) who I never knew about until I was in my teens. My dad's entire life, his parents and siblings, his first wife and those five kids are mostly a mystery to me, his previous life was never really discussed.

Thru one of those ancestory sites a granddaughter from that family reached out to me last year ( we are the same age!). She filled in a tiny bit but she said my dad was always a mystery to her family as well. All she knew is he left right after the last kid was born and never returned.
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sounds like what my first husband did after we broke up and he went on to have 2 more families, ghosting each one he left behind
 

C50 said:
I have a brother who is 16 years older than me, we were never close but there also was never any drama between us. My mom's funeral in 1998 is the last time I saw or spoke to him, I reached out a few times but he never responded so I let it go. I think he simply decided to wash his hands of his past and family. Truthfully it never bothered me though I wonder occasionally if he's still alive.
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This sounds so much like me & my older sister by 4.5 yrs. I haven't truly let go until very recently, not to say I don't get twinges every now & then. I don't think anyone would notify me if she died, but occasionally, in the past, like once or twice a year, google her.
 

This whole thread makes me appreciate being an only child. I had cousins who I was very close with but I’m the one who severed ties when I moved to the other side of the country 50 years ago. We just lost contact.
 
NorthernLight said:
You say you were "told" you were holding your granddaughter wrong, but you didn't say who said those words. This made me remember how my father didn't want my mother to have anything to do with her own mother. Just because.

I wonder if it's your daughter who doesn't want to see you -- or if someone else is behind it?

Either way, I know it hurts.
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My daughter told me, but it was days after. In that time, I'm sure she conferred with her husband. The relationship is now toxic. I was not the best mother for her, which I know now... I thought at the time I was doing all the right things. At this point, I am leaving this all in God's hands, because I've tried everything and it always ends in disagreement. I know we will find a way through God. Yes, it hurts terribly.
 
I thought my mother would mellow as she aged but, no, she was as nasty as ever....constantly raking up every little misdemeanour I had ever done. I decided I could live without her remarks and severed all contact with her. I don't even know whether she is still alive, but I have no doubt there will be few mourners at her funeral.
 
Jules said:
This whole thread makes me appreciate being an only child. I had cousins who I was very close with but I’m the one who severed ties when I moved to the other side of the country 50 years ago. We just lost contact.
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This thread is about estrangements so that's the focus here. I'm sure I speak for many when I say that the good relationships my other siblings and I have with each other more than make up for the estrangement (and near-estrangement) we all have from the same sibling.
 
Jules said:
This whole thread makes me appreciate being an only child. I had cousins who I was very close with but I’m the one who severed ties when I moved to the other side of the country 50 years ago. We just lost contact.
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MY Daughter says the same. When she was little she was always asking for a sibling, but now she says she's happy to have been an only child...
 
StillLearning said:
So I just posted a few days ago about my estranged brother. Today I got a phone call from his husband saying he had passed. I knew the time had passed for us to make amends but wow!
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In your other post you said: "Guess when I meet my maker I’m going to have to atone for how things worked out."

You blame yourself for the estrangement? Did it have anything to do with your brother being gay?

My condolences to you for your loss.
 
Pepper said:
In your other post you said: "Guess when I meet my maker I’m going to have to atone for how things worked out."

You blame yourself for the estrangement? Did it have anything to do with your brother being gay?

My condolences to you for your loss.
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We knew he was gay from a young age. Both my older brother and myself named our sons after him. He’s my son’s god father. He lived with us and we helped him with moves and any problem he had since he was just starting out in the city. No being gay had nothing to do with the estrangement. He was just my little brother that I loved.
 
Lavinia said:
I thought my mother would mellow as she aged but, no, she was as nasty as ever....constantly raking up every little misdemeanour I had ever done. I decided I could live without her remarks and severed all contact with her. I don't even know whether she is still alive, but I have no doubt there will be few mourners at her funeral.
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I've picked out your post to respond to, though please accept any inferred criticisms are not directed at you or the decisions you've made, simply at everyone, including myself, who has had a problem of some kind in a close personal relationship and turned our backs, even partially, (so I'm just using your post to set up the discussion points I wish to make to anyone interested).

Firstly, so far as my own mother goes, (who btw I often now refer to as "my dear mother/late mother"), I turned my back or "put up walls between us", and certainly made many negative comments about her, from my teenage years onwards. I felt she intruded too much, or tried to control too much, and this was my defence you could say, though from her point of view it was probably her job as a mother to intrude or control. A small example of her controlling nature is the criticism she made of my taking my first real girlfriend to a cafe at lunchtime one Saturday, when I was twenty one years old, and her comment was, "You've only known her for two weeks"!,(how many weeks or months would have been appropriate to wait I never discovered :) ).

However, my argument here is really against the vilification of those who have loved us, not to justify it, (though saying that I know it would be foolish to suggest no one should ever turn against a formerly close family member, for example following divorce it can be the only way to preserve your peace of mind).

What I'm saying is the vilification of anyone who has truly loved us, contains this element without question, "putting yourself first", and putting yourself first for whatever reason, where no space whatever can be permitted for whoever it might be in your life, (regardless of how this might effect them).

Good will in life is very important to all of us in all kinds of circumstances in life, (my father paid a great deal of his money to the people whose farm he took over, and this money was paid not just for the goods and chattels on the farm, but the " goodwill" it is assumed, comes with taking over a business like that when someone retires).

When anyone turns their backs completely, leaving no room for any relationship or reconciliation, or sorting out misunderstandings, all possible good will is jettisoned isn't it, and this must leave the world a colder place, (less loving place perhaps).

Those we've fallen out with to this extent had their own point of view and reasons for behaving as they did, but do all who have vilified us, and become "essential dead to us", have to have the same response in return?

This is my feeling here, that rejection of another formerly close human being can become so common place it almost become de riguer!

I listened to a radio show yesterday where a young woman made these comments in a soap opera programme concerning her stepfather and biological father, in response to criticism of the stepfather by her friend, "He chose to be my dad, he didn't have to be my dad, not like that waste of space my biological dad"!

You may wonder why a throw away comment like that in a fictional programme might matter to anyone, but very often social issues are dealt with in these kinds of programmes, and the judging or harshly judging of patents, and the right to decide who ones parent might be, is promoted I believe in shows like these.

I probably won't listen to the show again, (not because of that throw away line), simply because I don't follow soap operas, but I'm not the target audience they wish to influence am I, so its this I object to, the vilification, the right to judge, the assumed moral superiority!
 
grahamg said:
I've picked out your post to respond to, though please accept any inferred criticisms are not directed at you or the decisions you've made, simply at everyone, including myself, who has had a problem of some kind in a close personal relationship and turned our backs, even partially, (so I'm just using your post to set up the discussion points I wish to make to anyone interested).

Firstly, so far as my own mother goes, (who btw I often now refer to as "my dear mother/late mother"), I turned my back or "put up walls between us", and certainly made many negative comments about her, from my teenage years onwards. I felt she intruded too much, or tried to control too much, and this was my defence you could say, though from her point of view it was probably her job as a mother to intrude or control. A small example of her controlling nature is the criticism she made of my taking my first real girlfriend to a cafe at lunchtime one Saturday, when I was twenty one years old, and her comment was, "You've only known her for two weeks"!,(how many weeks or months would have been appropriate to wait I never discovered :) ).

However, my argument here is really against the vilification of those who have loved us, not to justify it, (though saying that I know it would be foolish to suggest no one should ever turn against a formerly close family member, for example following divorce it can be the only way to preserve your peace of mind).

What I'm saying is the vilification of anyone who has truly loved us, contains this element without question, "putting yourself first", and putting yourself first for whatever reason, where no space whatever can be permitted for whoever it might be in your life, (regardless of how this might effect them).

Good will in life is very important to all of us in all kinds of circumstances in life, (my father paid a great deal of his money to the people whose farm he took over, and this money was paid not just for the goods and chattels on the farm, but the " goodwill" it is assumed, comes with taking over a business like that when someone retires).

When anyone turns their backs completely, leaving no room for any relationship or reconciliation, or sorting out misunderstandings, all possible good will is jettisoned isn't it, and this must leave the world a colder place, (less loving place perhaps).

Those we've fallen out with to this extent had their own point of view and reasons for behaving as they did, but do all who have vilified us, and become "essential dead to us", have to have the same response in return?

This is my feeling here, that rejection of another formerly close human being can become so common place it almost become de riguer!

I listened to a radio show yesterday where a young woman made these comments in a soap opera programme concerning her stepfather and biological father, in response to criticism of the stepfather by her friend, "He chose to be my dad, he didn't have to be my dad, not like that waste of space my biological dad"!

You may wonder why a throw away comment like that in a fictional programme might matter to anyone, but very often social issues are dealt with in these kinds of programmes, and the judging or harshly judging of patents, and the right to decide who ones parent might be, is promoted I believe in shows like these.

I probably won't listen to the show again, (not because of that throw away line), simply because I don't follow soap operas, but I'm not the target audience they wish to influence am I, so its this I object to, the vilification, the right to judge, the assumed moral superiority!
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I won't comment on the main points in your post as we all have different experiences and cannot judge others without knowing the full facts. However, I do agree about the entertainment, though it is going completely off-topic. I think those who write tv programmes and write books often do so to express their own personal beliefs and opinions. For instance, the sci-fi programmes like Star Trek give an opportunity for people to express their own theories on space travel and other worlds. It is also possible to re-enact a particular scenario they have experienced. I suppose it could act as a sort of therapy.
 
Capt Lightning said:
But that's life. Some of us are perfectly content with the situation. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to like them or have common goals / interests.
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I don't know why my mad face/sad face prompted this response. I certainly don't think I implied that you're supposed to like all your relatives.

All I meant was that reading about people here who were abused makes me angry and sad. More specifically, I feel angry at the parents who beat their children and sad that it happened.
 

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