Ever had to extricate yourself from a difficult situation or relationship?

palides2021 said:
If this happened to me, I would get her into counseling. Maybe go together. Honestly, she needs help. Please don't leave it because those types of people only get worse. Life is passing you by and you both deserve a better life.
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Since she is out of country, she's not entitled to healthcare of any kind here. Honestly, I can't afford to pay for private care. I do agree with you, the issue is above my pay grade, but I have to cope.
 

bobcat said:
Perhaps a marriage. or relationship, or a date, or an encounter, or any dicey situation where you knew you needed to find a way out before things got any worse.
How did you handle it?
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Oh yes. A former friend who won't take no for an answer. I'm trying to be kind and let it fade away but she's turned stalker.
It's highly annoying.
 
VaughanJB said:
Wise words, and very much appreciated.

I think I have mentioned this before, but just in case I haven't....... THIS IS A VERY LONG POST AND IF SUCH POSTS BOTHER YOU THEN I ADVISE YOU SKIP IT.

In the past, when I working, I was very dedicated to my craft. So much so that my professional life always came first. Looking at it now, I was incredibly selfish. I loved what I did, and that was all good, but I never stopped to ask what my partner truly wanted or needed. I just went out there and worked, and earned money. If I had to stay away for extended periods, I did. I didn't discuss it, I didn't try to rearrange it for something my partner wanted.

I traveled a lot, and if she wanted to come along, I was fine by that. But if not, I was equally fine with that too. Sometimes a two week trip away would turn into a 6 month trip and we'd not see each other. I missed Christmases, birthdays, Easter breaks, thanksgivings - year after year.

Now, money was just never my thing. I worked, I got paid, and the money went into a bank account. My partner had full access to that, and frankly I didn't care what it got spent on. I was so self-absorbed, that I just went on my way. She was never a big spender, but she was more engaged with money than I was, which is not surprising since she essentially ran the house (paid all the bills, etc.)

We are indeed, married. But let me tell you about my wedding (I think I've told this before, but not sure). We were married during my lunch break from work. Our "honeymoon" was a trip to Starbucks on my way back to the office. That was it. Yes - I was that guy. To this day I don't remember our anniversary. In fact, I don't remember birthdays or any of those important dates. When it came to wanting something, the bank account was right there - go get it, whenever you want, sort of thing.

While I've never done drugs, I did indulge in alcohol as part of the work lifestyle (a lot of business gets done in bars!) and socially. I have been drunk, well let's say, more than a few times. While drinking is no longer part of my life, it was a decision made because I had pulled away from business, and didn't need it as a tool any longer. But I can't criticize people who use it as a tool for their own lives, because when it helped me, I did too.

Then, the great awakening. I had worked like this for decades, and I gradually became aware of my slowing down. I started skipping meetings, letting others go on business trips on my behalf, and generally pulling back. A long story short, I was getting ill. What started as a physical issue (I woke up one day in Salt Lake City and literally could not get out of bed due to back pain), turned into a mental issue. I was tired, I was getting depressed, and I no longer got the same pleasure from working as I once did. Since work was everything, I felt no pleasure at all for anything.

My depression ended up taking a huge toll. I didn't handle giving up work very well. I was never an angry or violent person, nothing like that, but what had lit fires in me were simply doused. *I* was a different person when it comes down to it. I withdrew completely. I no longer spoke or contacted old work colleagues, read books, kept up with new developments, or any of that. All that made me, me, changed. And all that time, I still wasn't worrying about my partner. It was still me me me me me me me.

When I was at my lowest - which was very low - my wife's mother needed help. Her family consisted of a mother, a brother, and my partner. The father was a long time out of the picture. They had a weird relationship I didn't like - the mother didn't work, the brother was a heroin addict, and my wife worked and supported the entire household. So when she got with me, I wasn't Mr. Popular. I broke their family, as it were. I was, and am, intolerant of hard drug use and its associated mini-crime wave (hey, where's the TV?) So yeah, issues I didn't care for. I didn't like people making excuses about why they wouldn't do something.

At one stage the mother and brother were made homeless, since my wife wasn't paying the rent, and they moved in with us. But finding burnt spoons and used syringes in the bathroom led to a confrontation and I kicked the brother out (he, much later, totally reformed). So it goes. We got her mother a condo in Florida, and that's where she lives now.

So, I was in severe transition, depressed, solemn, and not fun to be around. My wife cared for me. That was before a couple of major issues surfaced.

Firstly, note, once my wife and I married, she said she hated her job. Fair enough, but I was so detached I simply said, "well quit". She did, and she never returned to work. We were a one-income family. This was a non-issue for me, but we should have discussed things. Alas, I didn't instigate that. Since we've been together, she's essentially not worked.

So, the new crisis. My wife's brother had been caring for the mother in Florida. He was off drugs and had been clean for a long time. But you can't have years and years of using street drugs and get off scot-free, as I've now learned. He developed some ailments and died. The mother was alone.

Choices had to be made. Who would care for the mother? What was I doing? What would my wife do? I was out of it with severe depression, my wife was torn, and the mother was slowly getting sicker and sicker. I thought the right thing to do was for my wife to go care for her mother (I was back in the UK at this point). Give me time, I'll cope. So that's what we did.

During the intervening years I'd get (and still sometimes get) offers from previous colleagues to go back to work, and I did that some. My wife had access to the bank account so all was fine there. I actually moved to a different place in that time, got a dog, and slowly settled into my life today. My wife's mother...... look I'm not going to slander her, but let's say she's emotionally manipulative. For a long time I wasn't able to fly there to see them, and when I was able there was commotion because, you know, the evil guy was coming. Much histrionics, and more...... time wore on. Then my damn passport expired, and then..... Covid. Excuses on my part, I guess.

So yeah, 6 years. As someone else mentioned, that's hard to imagine, isn't it? I remained totally loyal, and as far as I know my partner did too. That was never a concern. We emailed, religiosity, daily. There clearly wasn't much to say, but the point is we stayed in touch. We never planned six years apart, it just happened.

The biggest thing was - I had come to a crushing realization. *I* had been too detached. *I* had been incredibly selfish. *I* had been incredibly demanding. *I* had not cared anywhere near enough about what my partner wanted. She had done all the work, and I just expected things to be as I wanted them. This wasn't a question simply for the marriage, but for my life. I would never have chosen that life, it just happened.

If someone had described such a person to me, I'd of been critical of them. Yet it *was* me. I'd done that. I'd help create the entire dynamic. But when every choice had arrived, I'd selfishly demanded we go my way. It was, oh I don't know, over a good six months that this reality hit me. I thought I'd been the good guy, but to a large extent, I wasn't. Yes, there were tears. I'd cry about what I'd made of my life. It was traumatic, a journey I had to go through, like a trip through a horror (not)Funhouse.

This goes some way to explaining the six years. Frankly, I didn't want my wife here while I went through that. It wasn't her responsibility, and she had been the one who had been left alone during those years. Besides, her mother needed the help anyway. If you go through something as I did, time doesn't seem to exist, it just flows.

So, cutting to today, I got a message saying my wife was coming back, and you know the rest. She's destroyed. I own part of that. I was breaking down when she most needed the support, and she'd worked things until, I guess, she just snapped. She turns up, and both physically and mentally she's broken. I don't know who she is now, and I can't work out where we stand. I do know, she doesn't want to go back. I do know she has no money (sort of), job, or healthcare. I don't know if there is a "we" anymore, because any vestige of what a couple might be is non-existent. Does non-existence in this context mean there'll never be a return to some kind of couple-dom? I don't know.

I do know, I am very much changed. She is very much changed. I have a small home that I'm happy in. I don't want drama. I don't want to jet-set anymore. I want love, peace, and understanding without huge demands placed on either person. I refuse to make demands of anyone any longer. It's not fair, and it's not right. I don't want to be purely selfish (to some extent, we have to be selfish, we need what we need, but I'm aware now of what my choices mean for others).

I see retirement as a new life, a reset. It's a time when we get to decide how we want to leave this world. Do I want to leave by being found dead in a hotel room while speaking at a conference? No, no I don't! Let me build a little haven, let me spend my years taking pleasure from whatever fancies.

I have no idea what this other person, my partner, wants. The anger, the swearing, the drinking, the locking themselves away, the whole package - this is NOT the person I know AT ALL. The mother has mysteriously become more self-sufficient, though there has clearly been some kind of falling out between them. We buy her mother groceries and have them delivered, pay phone bills, etc. But obviously my partner is here. Don't know how long.

Wait, you might wonder how I can not know how long. Well, because if I ask about her mother, her stay, what she wants, what I can do to help, I get my head bitten off. She brings up things in the past - such as my "abandoning her" in Texas (I went to work in Germany....). I've never heard these recriminations before. Something I said in 1990 will get dragged up and she'll scream it at me, and I can't answer back because I don't remember saying it, let alone the context.

I'm not a good person. I'm someone who had to learn things the hard way each and every time. I've banged my head on every step without even being aware I'm falling. I'm going to say so myself, but I was quite brilliant in my chosen craft, but inept in just about everything else as it turns out. And I was in blissful ignorance of it all. These are realizations I've come to. You know, you can know what kindness is, what the right thing is, to speak of adjudication, of empathy and understanding - but at the end of the day it's not the talking that makes them valuable, it's the DOING. I've been lax at that.

And so, that dresses the reality I'm in. Right now, I'm not walking away. I'm not going to lay down deadlines or make demands. I have a safe haven here, and I will never take that away from someone in need. My preferences are secondary. I owe a lot to the person who helped enable all my mistakes. I'm getting older, there are no do-overs any more. There is today, and then tomorrow. Things don't get better from here. My health is quite good, but let's face the reality of that (except my damn knees, of course.) I want to spread love and caring into the world. I don't mind being soft, but holding hands, laughing together, giving yourself over. Those are priorities.

I think I could cope better if not for the drinking on her part. I'm not paying for the drink, so she's getting money from somewhere. But it's so alien to her, I can't get to the bottom of it. I tell myself that this won't be forever, but it's going to take some time to sort through it. If and when she straightens out, I need to find out what it is she wants. It's her choice, and I can either deliver on that or not.

Me? Well, I think I've given a general idea of what I want. But every time I hear a "I'm just going to the store", I know what's coming. A bag of jangling cans or bottles. She even keeps a garbage bag in her room so I don't get to see it!

I don't want this to be a "woe is me", thing. I think many of you probably have stories to tell - lots of them! You'd have to work really hard to get through life and not learn from your mistakes. Life is like a pinball machine, isn't it? You come out nice and fresh and full of energy, and then you get battered about, knocked from pillar to post, knocking a life's score before eventually falling through the hole at the bottom. Yeah, we all go through similar things with our own nuances. I'm just spewing mine into the forum. Perhaps someone, in the future, will learn something.

Now? I'm going to get a nice cup of tea. Although, sadly, I've eaten the last chocolate digestive. Dammit!
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Wow, that does fill in a lot of substance as to the how and why of the deterioration of your relationship and her mental state. I might also add that it is not often that someone is so forthcoming and brutally honest about their darker side as you have revealed.

Your wife has had to endure more than any woman should during your obsessive-compulsive years of throwing yourself into your work and being essentially the absent spouse. She, or her dreams for a happy life didn't matter, and now she has dug an emotional grave and crawled into it and turned out the lights. How do you reach someone in that dark place?

I'm certainly no qualified advisor, so bear that in mind, but here are my thoughts. Nothing can change the past, and nothing can salvage those lost years, so stewing about them won't help. As you well know, there are consequences for all the decisions we make in life, and some of them can't be undone. If your home burns down due to neglect, all you can do is sort through the ashes for what's left of the former life and do your best to rebuild.

It seems she is angry and bitter inside and is trying to drown her resentment and crushed dreams with whatever substance that will dull the heartache and depression that is now her life. You have made it clear that she has plenty of ammo from the past to hurl at you with little reluctance, which makes dialogue rather challenging going forward.

The one thing I do know about you is that you are good with words, and you seem to be the sort who is now open to seeing things in a different light than you did years ago. Perhaps you could write her letters about your true feelings regarding the past, and even the present. Maybe you could pair those with some lovely flowers to show that it's not just words. She can't argue with a letter or a thoughtful card and flowers. Perhaps in time it will show her that there still may be an ember of affection that lies beneath the rubble, and in a moment or two of lucid thought, she may see a flicker of hope.

If it happens at all, it's most likely going to take time, so being in it for the long haul is a given. She has a lot of baggage she's been carrying around, and some of it will likely get thrown at you, but it becomes increasingly hard to stay angry with someone who keeps treating you in kind and loving ways. Right now, she has no faith or trust in you, but consistency builds trust, and if she can ever get past the blaming you for the past, she may learn that everyone deserves a second chance. I wish you the best.
 
bobcat said:
Wow, that does fill in a lot of substance as to the how and why of the deterioration of your relationship and her mental state. I might also add that it is not often that someone is so forthcoming and brutally honest about their darker side as you have revealed.

Your wife has had to endure more than any woman should during your obsessive-compulsive years of throwing yourself into your work and being essentially the absent spouse. She, or her dreams for a happy life didn't matter, and now she has dug an emotional grave and crawled into it and turned out the lights. How do you reach someone in that dark place?

I'm certainly no qualified advisor, so bear that in mind, but here are my thoughts. Nothing can change the past, and nothing can salvage those lost years, so stewing about them won't help. As you well know, there are consequences for all the decisions we make in life, and some of them can't be undone. If your home burns down due to neglect, all you can do is sort through the ashes for what's left of the former life and do your best to rebuild.

It seems she is angry and bitter inside and is trying to drown her resentment and crushed dreams with whatever substance that will dull the heartache and depression that is now her life. You have made it clear that she has plenty of ammo from the past to hurl at you with little reluctance, which makes dialogue rather challenging going forward.

The one thing I do know about you is that you are good with words, and you seem to be the sort who is now open to seeing things in a different light than you did years ago. Perhaps you could write her letters about your true feelings regarding the past, and even the present. Maybe you could pair those with some lovely flowers to show that it's not just words. She can't argue with a letter or a thoughtful card and flowers. Perhaps in time it will show her that there still may be an ember of affection that lies beneath the rubble, and in a moment or two of lucid thought, she may see a flicker of hope.

If it happens at all, it's most likely going to take time, so being in it for the long haul is a given. She has a lot of baggage she's been carrying around, and some of it will likely get thrown at you, but it becomes increasingly hard to stay angry with someone who keeps treating you in kind and loving ways. Right now, she has no faith or trust in you, but consistency builds trust, and if she can ever get past the blaming you for the past, she may learn that everyone deserves a second chance. I wish you the best.
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Is there ever one side to the story? Nah.

I have a question - did you ever have a full reckoning with yourself? I worked myself ill and had it, and I wonder about someone like yourself. I'd also add, there was some good in there, it wasn't all bad. :)

Whenever I read a story about a breakup, an issue, I'm always aware there are two sides to the story. Most all stories have a level of complexity, but people tend to rush to a judgement of right or wrong. We also prefer things that provide some level of affirmation. It's human nature, I think.

As such, I simply have/had to face the "me" in the situation in order to get to that other point of view. Close personal relationships involve so much taking, that you forget you're even doing it. I like to think this is probably true of all relationships, it's just that I hit on it out of the blue, as it were.

There was no meanness intended in anything I did. I had no bad intention. I never meant to exclude. I gave my wife complete freedom to do as she pleased, and I thought that was a good thing to do. I didn't see it could be seen as not caring or being there. But I've become aware of the hurt I might have caused, even before she returned. I simply looked at myself and thought, "wait, that looks different from the outside". And so it goes.

Thanks for taking the time to read all that, I know it was long. I have a long way to go, and I am where I am. As I've said, I'll stick through this process. It wouldn't be right to break things for - again - selfish reasons. If that means some pain on my part, I'll have to take it.
 
VaughanJB said:
Is there ever one side to the story? Nah.

I have a question - did you ever have a full reckoning with yourself? I worked myself ill and had it, and I wonder about someone like yourself. I'd also add, there was some good in there, it wasn't all bad. :)

Whenever I read a story about a breakup, an issue, I'm always aware there are two sides to the story. Most all stories have a level of complexity, but people tend to rush to a judgement of right or wrong. We also prefer things that provide some level of affirmation. It's human nature, I think.

As such, I simply have/had to face the "me" in the situation in order to get to that other point of view. Close personal relationships involve so much taking, that you forget you're even doing it. I like to think this is probably true of all relationships, it's just that I hit on it out of the blue, as it were.

There was no meanness intended in anything I did. I had no bad intention. I never meant to exclude. I gave my wife complete freedom to do as she pleased, and I thought that was a good thing to do. I didn't see it could be seen as not caring or being there. But I've become aware of the hurt I might have caused, even before she returned. I simply looked at myself and thought, "wait, that looks different from the outside". And so it goes.

Thanks for taking the time to read all that, I know it was long. I have a long way to go, and I am where I am. As I've said, I'll stick through this process. It wouldn't be right to break things for - again - selfish reasons. If that means some pain on my part, I'll have to take it.
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Well, you asked if I had ever had a full reckoning, and I would have to say that it has been more of a very gradual awakening. I have come to learn that we rarely see ourselves as others see us, and therefore it has been a challenge for me to accept any criticism regarding something I just couldn't see. As one matures, however, those fortresses constructed by the ego are never beneficial for personal growth.

I think early on, I didn't really have a solid self-image, and so defensiveness became my go-to for warding off any "attacks" by others. If I did an autopsy at all on a failed relationship, it was considerably biased, and rarely honest. As you have discovered, with age comes maturity, and evaluating who we really are, without the self-serving goggles that preserve the delicate mental construct of our imagined persona, becomes necessary if we ever hope to be a better person.

At best, we are a mixed bag, as you pointed out, some good and some bad. It's just that we are all a work in progress, and trying to convince ourselves otherwise is a fool's errand. It seems that weekly, I see things about myself that could use some tweaking here and there, so I just try to work on those aspects as best I can and hope some of it sticks..
 
You never really know which way things are going to go when you first get involved. Someone who seems socially adept can go crazy. I ended up being stalked by a woman in college who was waiting for me in places she knew I would have to be and articulating her intentions toward me in front of a class.

I was sharing a house with 4 other roommates. In the middle of the night, a roommate woke everyone up saying he was locking the doors, because someone was trying to get in the house. I went to the front door with the lights off, and someone was testing the door knob from the outside to see if it was unlocked. I peeked out the window and saw her running back to her car. I handled it by being the person I least wanted to be. Specifically, I became a prick, and she eventually quit.
 
JustDave said:
You never really know which way things are going to go when you first get involved. Someone who seems socially adept can go crazy. I ended up being stalked by a woman in college who was waiting for me in places she knew I would have to be and articulating her intentions toward me in front of a class.

I was sharing a house with 4 other roommates. In the middle of the night, a roommate woke everyone up saying he was locking the doors, because someone was trying to get in the house. I went to the front door with the lights off, and someone was testing the door knob from the outside to see if it was unlocked. I peeked out the window and saw her running back to her car. I handled it by being the person I least wanted to be. Specifically, I became a prick, and she eventually quit.
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that's actually a good thing.. be the person you know the other person would hate and they'll back off...
 
I've had some scary times in my youth. I managed to get away ok, but can't put a full stop to this one until fate(?) (doesn't feel right to say 'death) lends a hand:

Seems to be all in the 3's :)

Briefly:

Husband no 3, whilst charming and attentive in courtship, in marriage became a control freak, abusive both physically and mentally, a liar and a thief. (My GP once told me it's the 'charmers' who can be the worst inside the four walls).

3 months pregnant, he smashed my head on the brick wall and beat me up. Hospitalised for 3 weeks with concussion, couldn't walk straight nor move my head without dizziness. They kept me in for that length of time because of concerns re pregnancy. I worked in the public sector and off work for the rest of the pregnancy. Went back to work when she was 3 mths old.

3 yrs later I managed to get away from him. Lost nearly everything, had to take in lodgers, do 3 jobs (paying extortinate child care fees) as well as being there for my elderly parents. Many tearful calls to Samaratans.

I couldn't drive the car for months, as I couldn't look right, left and right without dizziness. In the end, I had to see a neurologist and he said he'd damaged a particular side of the brain. Even today if I move my head too quickly when walking, I go off balance. Thankfully driving is ok.

I was his 2nd wife. The lst wife suffered abuse for 13 yrs, though not as badly as I did. The 3rd wife had it worse than either of us in that he beat her so badly and left her in a car park unconscious. She had to have steel rods inserted in her back.

30+yrs later, he's a lonely alcoholic, has Parkinsons, and constantly in and out of hospital.
I'm not usually a vindictive person but I can't resist thinking - oh dear, how sad, what a shame, never mind.

Daughter, who I'm very proud of, has done really well and is happy with her husband and life/work. The only downside is he put her down as his NOK, so she's rather saddled with him which is a large stress for her.
If I'm honest, before I met him I never wanted to have children, and ending up a lone parent petrified me. But I did it, with no help from my parents, friends or claiming benefits.
I've never been one to ask for help so in a way, I'm inwardly proud I must have been an ok'ish parent - shielding her from the bad stuff, although she must have felt the stress. Now she's doing her 'duty' to a lousy father rather than walking away.
I've recently apologised to her for her stress, ie I caused the problem by having him as her father. Yes, I know how daft that sounds, but logic says she wouldn't be landed with him now if it wasn't for me. And, no I don't feel sorry for me (not my style), I feel sorry for her.
I'm still alive and kicking, laughing, and doing my volunteering. :giggle:
 
Terrible story that resonates with so many woman unfortunately..


So...he was your 3rd husband ? hadn't you had children before that ? ..and also why does you daughter feel she's saddled with him just because he named her as Next of Kin... she can have that removed if she wants... no need to be saddled with an abusive father..regardless of how ill he is..

My daughter has nothing to do with her father despite him having prostate cancer and COPD and hooked up to oxygen... and he was never physically abusive to me or her.. but the fact he left her for another woman and her kids.. and never contacted her ,given that she was his first born .. and up until then the apple of his eye is something she cannot forgive and won't.

She won't even let me speak of him.. she only wants to hear when he's died.
 
VaughanJB said:
Since she is out of country, she's not entitled to healthcare of any kind here. Honestly, I can't afford to pay for private care. I do agree with you, the issue is above my pay grade, but I have to cope.
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When you say she's "out of country," does that mean she's not a UK citizen or something else? Either way, her health care is an issue you two should probably address sooner rather than later. What happens if she becomes injured or seriously ill?

Vaughn, I applaud your introspection and acknowledgement of how you might have better handled earlier years with your wife. That said, don't ignore that she was 50% of the equation. Together you slid into an arrangement of scant emotional intimacy, plenty of individual freedom and more than enough money, because that's what was comfortable for each of you. Mutually orchestrated? Seems likely. People don't stay in unsatisfying relationships unless there's a payoff of some kind.

It takes two to tango and your wife was on the dance floor with you during the years you believe you were an inadequate partner. Why did she not vigorously object to your perceived indifference to her needs during that time?

While I admire your desire to stand by her, loyally remaining with an unhappy person will not make them happier. In this case, it might help you repay the (sunk cost) debts you believe are owed for some unsupportive years, but will it actually help move her forward? Guess you'll find out.

A friend was a longtime family law attorney AKA divorce lawyer. When talking about whether or not people should be able to easily get divorces he said something I've never forgotten:
"Everyone deserves to live in peace."

You deserve to live in peace, Vaughn. I hope you are able to find it.
 
StarSong said:
When you say she's "out of country," does that mean she's not a UK citizen or something else? Either way, her health care is an issue you two should probably address sooner rather than later. What happens if she becomes injured or seriously ill?

Vaughn, I applaud your introspection and acknowledgement of how you might have better handled earlier years with your wife. That said, don't ignore that she was 50% of the equation. Together you slid into an arrangement of scant emotional intimacy, plenty of individual freedom and more than enough money, because that's what was comfortable for each of you. Mutually orchestrated? Seems likely. People don't stay in unsatisfying relationships unless there's a payoff of some kind.

It takes two to tango and your wife was on the dance floor with you during the years you believe you were an inadequate partner. Why did she not vigorously object to your perceived indifference to her needs during that time?

While I admire your desire to stand by her, loyally remaining with an unhappy person will not make them happier. In this case, it might help you repay the (sunk cost) debts you believe are owed for some unsupportive years, but will it actually help move her forward? Guess you'll find out.

A friend was a longtime family law attorney AKA divorce lawyer. When talking about whether or not people should be able to easily get divorces he said something I've never forgotten:
"Everyone deserves to live in peace."

You deserve to live in peace, Vaughn. I hope you are able to find it.
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Thank you, Jules.

Yes, I'm married to an American, and we're in the UK. The NHS won't see her, and the doctor won't see her unless she goes private, which I think is £100 a visit here, not including any medications given, which would be charged at full price (not the usual prescription price). In the US well, that's different. But she's chosen to leave there. I do think it's worth noting, she messaged me saying she was coming to me here, I didn't ask her to come back at this time.

My only thought about it is that I could go back to work. I could find a job, I think. We could use that money for health care. I'd kind of hoped my working days were over, to be honest.

As for the past - it wasn't all gloomy. She'd know where I was going, and always had to option to come along. So she got to visit Hawaii, Australia, France, Denmark, Germany and so on. We got to see all over the US. And of course, the UK. If she wanted to come along she could, but of course I was working during the days and some nights, so it wasn't like a holiday, but she had free reign to go out and about.

Still, no excuses for me right now.
 
Vaughn, thanks for the explanation and now your story makes a lot more sense. I can see why you are reluctant to leave your wife. Something will either change or it will become evident to you what needs to be done. Until then wishing you all the best.
 
JustDave said:
You never really know which way things are going to go when you first get involved. Someone who seems socially adept can go crazy. I ended up being stalked by a woman in college who was waiting for me in places she knew I would have to be and articulating her intentions toward me in front of a class.

I was sharing a house with 4 other roommates. In the middle of the night, a roommate woke everyone up saying he was locking the doors, because someone was trying to get in the house. I went to the front door with the lights off, and someone was testing the door knob from the outside to see if it was unlocked. I peeked out the window and saw her running back to her car. I handled it by being the person I least wanted to be. Specifically, I became a prick, and she eventually quit.
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I'm afraid with some people you have to get really nasty. You cannot have your life spoiled by a crazy insensitive obsessed person.
 
hollydolly said:
Terrible story that resonates with so many woman unfortunately..


So...he was your 3rd husband ? hadn't you had children before that ? ..and also why does you daughter feel she's saddled with him just because he named her as Next of Kin... she can have that removed if she wants... no need to be saddled with an abusive father..regardless of how ill he is..

My daughter has nothing to do with her father despite him having prostate cancer and COPD and hooked up to oxygen... and he was never physically abusive to me or her.. but the fact he left her for another woman and her kids.. and never contacted her ,given that she was his first born .. and up until then the apple of his eye is something she cannot forgive and won't.

She won't even let me speak of him.. she only wants to hear when he's died.
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Hollydolly, I'm sorry your daughter feels like she does about her dad. How old is she?

No, no - I hope I haven't given the wrong impression. He was never ever cruel or hurt her. Far He was all that a kid wanted their father to be ie fun (as opposed to her stressed out grumpy old ma :rolleyes:). When she did see him, infrequently, or speak to him on the phone he was always the 'fun daddy'. He knew how to work it. After contact with him she used to cry her heart out and scream for him.

Bear in mind I left him when she was 3yrs. What do you tell a kid that age? I shielded her from knowing about his cruelty. It was her step sister (10 yrs older than my daughter) who told her when she was about 9/10 or thereabouts. And that only came about because he'd tried to commit suicide.

Re her being his NOK. (BTW 'saddled with him' and 'lousy father' are my words not hers). She feels it's her 'duty' I think. She expresses her frustration of how 'needy' he is and how he's doing her 'ead in - much like any child would with an annoying elderly parent.
Through the years as she matured, I think she felt/still feels terribly conflicted about what she'd always seen in him ie fun, and the other side she was told about but never knew. She's never asked me and I don't want to tell her unless she asks, which she won't do now all these years later.
She knows I will always be there to help, which I have done for quite a while - arranging certain things for him. Takes the weight off her shoulders a bit.

I really think she'll cry her heart out when he snuffs it, because somewhere in her psyche she still hangs on to that 'fun daddy' she knew when she was a kid. She's quite a sentimental lass which she tries to hide by being bolshy, but I see through it. I hope she does cry her heart out in a way, to help lift/ease(?) that conflict in her. I dunno I'm no expert.

It's ironic really, she's spending more time on him now she's an adult than he spent with her as a father.

Yes, he was my 3rd husband and no, I've no other children.

....

(Not sure if either of my two posts make much sense about some things, but it's a long story, still ongoing and obviously very short formed. Anyway, that's it now. Thank you for 'listening'):giggle:
 

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