Everything I wish I was bright enough to say about remembering Nicole's killer

[VintageBetter]

If you do not have a NY Times subscription, you might be able to find this opinion peice by searching for the headline. Certain sites kind of steal news articles.

If you can read the whole thing, it's a great read. Opinion | What the O.J. Trial Taught America About Domestic Violence

Concluding paragraphs of the above aricle:
But many more who were victims of domestic abuse understood from the verdict what the news didn’t say: that no one would save them, no system of law enforcement, no court, no friend or family. Kit Gruelle, a North Carolina victims’ advocate who has worked in the field for 35 years, told me the trial was “an unholy union of race and domestic violence.” For people who worked in domestic violence, “there was this sense like, ‘We told you this was going to happen,’” she said. “We were united in our outrage.”

Today, for all that has changed since Ms. Brown Simpson’s death (better laws, better training for law enforcement), progress often feels stymied. Victims are too often disbelieved; courts too often treat intimate partner abuse as a nuisance crime. Our first question all too often is still “Why didn’t she leave?” — as Ms. Brown Simpson left.

It’s not that we couldn’t understand the lessons of her death at the time; it’s that we can’t seem to remember them.

Here's an article about Nicole seeking help from a DV shelter just 5 days before O.J. killed her. I have forgotten about many of these details. For the most part, unless it's a celebrity being hurt, the L. A. press still doesn't cover the DV issue much. That might be to avoid readers imitating their heroes as they beat their partners. Or, it might be merely because not much crime is covered in the L.A. press other than murders and car chases. DV is pretty dull by comparison, I guess?
IDK. I don't know how news directors or newspaper owners think.

Nicole sought aid days before killings - UPI Archives

Here is a description of the author's book.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33786693-no-visible-bruises

 

[PeppermintPatty]

If you do not have a NY Times subscription, you might be able to find this opinion peice by searching for the headline. Certain sites kind of steal news articles.

If you can read the whole thing, it's a great read. Opinion | What the O.J. Trial Taught America About Domestic Violence

Concluding paragraphs of the above aricle:
But many more who were victims of domestic abuse understood from the verdict what the news didn’t say: that no one would save them, no system of law enforcement, no court, no friend or family. Kit Gruelle, a North Carolina victims’ advocate who has worked in the field for 35 years, told me the trial was “an unholy union of race and domestic violence.” For people who worked in domestic violence, “there was this sense like, ‘We told you this was going to happen,’” she said. “We were united in our outrage.”

Today, for all that has changed since Ms. Brown Simpson’s death (better laws, better training for law enforcement), progress often feels stymied. Victims are too often disbelieved; courts too often treat intimate partner abuse as a nuisance crime. Our first question all too often is still “Why didn’t she leave?” — as Ms. Brown Simpson left.

It’s not that we couldn’t understand the lessons of her death at the time; it’s that we can’t seem to remember them.

Here's an article about Nicole seeking help from a DV shelter just 5 days before O.J. killed her. I have forgotten about many of these details. For the most part, unless it's a celebrity being hurt, the L. A. press still doesn't cover the DV issue much. That might be to avoid readers imitating their heroes as they beat their partners. Or, it might be merely because not much crime is covered in the L.A. press other than murders and car chases. DV is pretty dull by comparison, I guess?
IDK. I don't know how news directors or newspaper owners think.

Nicole sought aid days before killings - UPI Archives

Here is a description of the author's book.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33786693-no-visible-bruises

Maybe she was trying to leave. Domestic abuse victims should always have a safety plan. Leaving is the most dangerous thing to do in domestic violence. Some partners would rather kill you than lose you. At any serious abuse shelters will warn you to have a safety plan. Pack a suite case long before leaving. Give a close friend or relative your phone numbers and your plan. Victims of domestic abuse never know when their partners going to flip on them but leaving this type of relationship is the most dangerous thing you can do so that question ‘why didn’t she / he just leave is a bit on the naive side.

 

[VintageBetter]

@PeppermintPatty When I was still being actively abused by my ex-spouse, it was excruciatingly difficult to plan anything. I never knew when he was going to explode. I was walking on eggshells at all times when we were still together. My mind was in a constant state of flight-or-fight mode. I'm sure psychologists have a name for this kind of perpetual, hyper-aware yet confused state, but I don't know what it is.

I went to visit a friend in another state recently and the triggers from remembering this 1990s time, which coincided with my own separation and divorce, make me want to leave my state and move near my friend. I recognize this now as the flight response being triggered in every cell of my brain thanks to recalling these times. I want to run away from the places where my ex and whole, dysfunctional systems so they cannot hurt me anymore. Alas, there is no truly safe place. Every place has its dysfunctions; every place has its share of bad men.

So, it's easy to say DV victims merely need to be MORE COMPETENT VICTIMS. I. e., "If those DV victims would just get their acts together and leave the perp, then there'd be so much less DV."

But that puts 100% of the blame on the shoulders of one party only, which is what so many millions of people did with O.J. "He's such a good guy. He just gets angry. He never abused Paula whats-her-name after the trial, therefore, he's a good guy and it was Nicole's fault."

Some people do that with rape and murder victims too. "If she had not worn that dress. If she had not gone to that dive bar none of that would have happened. If she had known enough not to walk down that particular street at night, she would not have been killed. Everyone knows that street is dangerous!" Except the victim. She was apparently the only person in town who didn't know that street was dangerous.

"Stupid *****."

At some point, when can society comfortably BLAME the abuser? The instigator? The pre-planner, pre-meditator of abuse? WHEN does he get the blame?

Do you realize that O.J. once said to a friend after the murder, "If Nicole had not come to the door with a knife then she would still be here." (paraphrased) I saw his former friend make this comment in a documentary. I don't remember the name of the documentary. There have been several and I'm not going to go look it up.

So I guess, because he'd been stalking and harassing her for so long, she met him at the door with a knife in an attempt to show him she really wasn't going to put up with him anymore, then O.J. grabbed it and killed her. Why didn't she meet him with empty hands, right? Because she had called the police many times, called the DV shelter, and they did not help her much at all. She literally took her own protection into her own hands because the system FAILED her repeatedly.

She was not like O.J. at all. She didn't know how to gather her own "crew" of protectors around her. And how could she? How many women, or men, are going to drop everything and come over every time O.J. drops by to make hell? How do you call your girlfriends and say, "O.J. is here again. Please come over and help me with him." That is not only humiliating, like "why was I so stupid to marry a monster", but it's asking other people you care about to come on over to help her with this very dangerous man who might punch them too.

I guess she could have hired her own 24-hour security person? I guess that's what rich victims can afford to do? But we have a police and legal system! We're not Libertarians! We have a legal system that SAYS it is there "To Protect and Serve"! Why should she, or any other DV victim have to HIRE her own 24-hour security? But I guess that's what she should have done - found some 200 lb. ex-football player to stand at the door, go everywhere with her as she took the kids to school, shopping, the gym and the movies, and be ever-ready to take O.J. on.

I wonder how much that costs? Back in the 90s, it was probably maybe $300 to $500 a day. IDK, is that what lawyers should do now for DV victims? Ask the perp to pay for the security guard?

Anyway - I just wanted to say that when someone is in a constant state of flight-or-fight, they are not the clearest thinkers. That is why soldiers go through many weeks of training to be ready to manage all the terror and shoot their guns, or fly the plane, or load up the weapons. They go through training and drill after drill after drill so they can build up the mental and physical stamina required to not run away. Soldiers ARE ALSO PART OF A GROUP and usually not working alone in the battles. Even if working alone, they have a SAFE PLACE to return to after their solo work.

DV victims have no such safe place to return to. No, instead they have to make their own, or find their own, safe place - sometimes while being still stalked or harassed by the perp.

So, should we send all DV victims to Boot Camp? Give them all free guns? I am being sarcastic with those suggestions, but seriously, so many DV victims are placed into a WAR, a physical, emotional and legal war, but with no training whatsoever.

 

[hollydolly]

Domestic Violence is still being all but ignored by the police here, as I know very well to my cost ! I will say no more than that..

 

[PeppermintPatty]

@PeppermintPatty When I was still being actively abused by my ex-spouse, it was excruciatingly difficult to plan anything. I never knew when he was going to explode. I was walking on eggshells at all times when we were still together. My mind was in a constant state of flight-or-fight mode. I'm sure psychologists have a name for this kind of perpetual, hyper-aware yet confused state, but I don't know what it is.

I went to visit a friend in another state recently and the triggers from remembering this 1990s time, which coincided with my own separation and divorce, make me want to leave my state and move near my friend. I recognize this now as the flight response being triggered in every cell of my brain thanks to recalling these times. I want to run away from the places where my ex and whole, dysfunctional systems so they cannot hurt me anymore. Alas, there is no truly safe place. Every place has its dysfunctions; every place has its share of bad men.

So, it's easy to say DV victims merely need to be MORE COMPETENT VICTIMS. I. e., "If those DV victims would just get their acts together and leave the perp, then there'd be so much less DV."

But that puts 100% of the blame on the shoulders of one party only, which is what so many millions of people did with O.J. "He's such a good guy. He just gets angry. He never abused Paula whats-her-name after the trial, therefore, he's a good guy and it was Nicole's fault."

Some people do that with rape and murder victims too. "If she had not worn that dress. If she had not gone to that dive bar none of that would have happened. If she had known enough not to walk down that particular street at night, she would not have been killed. Everyone knows that street is dangerous!" Except the victim. She was apparently the only person in town who didn't know that street was dangerous.

"Stupid *****."

At some point, when can society comfortably BLAME the abuser? The instigator? The pre-planner, pre-meditator of abuse? WHEN does he get the blame?

Do you realize that O.J. once said to a friend after the murder, "If Nicole had not come to the door with a knife then she would still be here." (paraphrased) I saw his former friend make this comment in a documentary. I don't remember the name of the documentary. There have been several and I'm not going to go look it up.

So I guess, because he'd been stalking and harassing her for so long, she met him at the door with a knife in an attempt to show him she really wasn't going to put up with him anymore, then O.J. grabbed it and killed her. Why didn't she meet him with empty hands, right? Because she had called the police many times, called the DV shelter, and they did not help her much at all. She literally took her own protection into her own hands because the system FAILED her repeatedly.

She was not like O.J. at all. She didn't know how to gather her own "crew" of protectors around her. And how could she? How many women, or men, are going to drop everything and come over every time O.J. drops by to make hell? How do you call your girlfriends and say, "O.J. is here again. Please come over and help me with him." That is not only humiliating, like "why was I so stupid to marry a monster", but it's asking other people you care about to come on over to help her with this very dangerous man who might punch them too.

I guess she could have hired her own 24-hour security person? I guess that's what rich victims can afford to do? But we have a police and legal system! We're not Libertarians! We have a legal system that SAYS it is there "To Protect and Serve"! Why should she, or any other DV victim have to HIRE her own 24-hour security? But I guess that's what she should have done - found some 200 lb. ex-football player to stand at the door, go everywhere with her as she took the kids to school, shopping, the gym and the movies, and be ever-ready to take O.J. on.

I wonder how much that costs? Back in the 90s, it was probably maybe $300 to $500 a day. IDK, is that what lawyers should do now for DV victims? Ask the perp to pay for the security guard?

Anyway - I just wanted to say that when someone is in a constant state of flight-or-fight, they are not the clearest thinkers. That is why soldiers go through many weeks of training to be ready to manage all the terror and shoot their guns, or fly the plane, or load up the weapons. They go through training and drill after drill after drill so they can build up the mental and physical stamina required to not run away. Soldiers ARE ALSO PART OF A GROUP and usually not working alone in the battles. Even if working alone, they have a SAFE PLACE to return to after their solo work.

DV victims have no such safe place to return to. No, instead they have to make their own, or find their own, safe place - sometimes while being still stalked or harassed by the perp.

So, should we send all DV victims to Boot Camp? Give them all free guns? I am being sarcastic with those suggestions, but seriously, so many DV victims are placed into a WAR, a physical, emotional and legal war, but with no training whatsoever.

Blaming the victim is a common thing to do. It’s done all the time. It’s the easiest thing to do for all involved. ‘ She’s a sl*t so deserved it ‘ is a typical response.

Not knowing when the abuse is going to happen to why you make a plan. You pick someone you can trust and pick a password that you say for when you are in trouble. Before things aren’t going well, you pack up a nap sack or box full of stuff and take it over to the special persons house.

Call a women’s shelter to find additional support. These people run these places cause they’ve been there. They know the dangers of domestic abuse.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s a very tough, hurtful and confusing thing to go through especially if you have children who need protecting.

It’s sad that abused children often pick abusive boyfriends or husbands. It’s an unconscious choice that they don’t quite understand and sometimes never do.

Constant fight or flight response is called acute stress response and after many attacks can turn into complex post traumatic stress response. Many past memories show up as triggers. Quite often these triggers are set off when there’s no apparent danger. That’s when you know you need help.