Excuses that friends and family make

V

Victor

Senior Member
Location
midwest USA
What do you say to a family member or friend who always has the same excuses for
not doing something or not wishing to get together? The same excuses over and over
for years...and years

I am too busy with work
too tired or out of it.
I will do this very soon (means never)
I have many errands (all day, every day?)

It is always--it's not you, it's me.

NO ONE is this busy, no one is so tired...etc. Gross exaggerations and BS

If I challenge them on this, they get angry and defensive...because I am calling them a liar.
Even if I don't ask them for something, I still hear the same excuses.
 

If it were me, I'd take the hint and stop bothering with them. Perhaps after a long silence, they would make the first move to try and get together. If not, I wouldn't aggravate myself over their absence.
 
Why challenge them on it? Let it go. Find people who enjoy doing things that you like and associate with them. Life is to short to waste trying to get people to do what you want them to do.

You can't control other people.
You can't control other people.
You can't control other people.
You can't control other people.
You can't control other people.
 

They're either overwhelmed with responsibility or they don't want to be bothered. I would probably think it's the latter. Cross them off the invite list and move on.
 
Victor said:
What do you say to a family member or friend who always has the same excuses for
not doing something or not wishing to get together? The same excuses over and over
for years...and years

I am too busy with work
too tired or out of it.
I will do this very soon (means never)
I have many errands (all day, every day?)

It is always--it's not you, it's me.

NO ONE is this busy, no one is so tired...etc. Gross exaggerations and BS

If I challenge them on this, they get angry and defensive...because I am calling them a liar.
Even if I don't ask them for something, I still hear the same excuses.
Click to expand...
I know this can hurt when told these things, it has happened to me, too. Now I am looking for others to do things with after having my heart broken enough.
 
Victor, they're just trying not to hurt your feelings when they make the excuses. I agree with the others here, let it go, if it's a forced get-together, neither you or they will be happy. You shouldn't challenge them IMO, just realize the excuses are to explain something they're not interested in doing, you should just accept that and move on.
 
Having only one family member I value my friends a great deal but have experienced this a couple of times over the years, we'd spent a lot of time together, laughed and cried, confided and supported each other, all the things friends do, then, after time the 'excuses' began, I never chase anybody so after a couple of calls just didn't bother anymore, if I bumped into them they were all over me and in the end I actually told one of them not to insult my intelligence !
As Vicotr says, no one who really cares is that busy or tired they can't pick up a phone at some point, just to see how you are

It taught me a valuable lesson that, just because a person is important to you dosnt mean you are important to them
 
"It taught me a valuable lesson that, just because a person is important to you dosnt mean you are important to them"

Good point, that was a hard life lesson for me to learn and it does hurt when you find out you're not on their A list. You can't change their feelings, but you can learn from it.
 
Wren said:
It taught me a valuable lesson that, just because a person is important to you dosnt mean you are important to them
Click to expand...

There is a term I read in a self-help book called the 'secret contract'. A person makes a 'secret contract' with somebody else that goes like this: I do this and that for you, I support your ideas and go along with what you want, etc. etc. etc., and, in turn, you will be nice to me. Unfortuately, the contract is secret because it is known only to the person who makes it up. The other person is unaware she has any obligations at all.
 
Wren said:
Having only one family member I value my friends a great deal but have experienced this a couple of times over the years, we'd spent a lot of time together, laughed and cried, confided and supported each other, all the things friends do, then, after time the 'excuses' began, I never chase anybody so after a couple of calls just didn't bother anymore, if I bumped into them they were all over me and in the end I actually told one of them not to insult my intelligence !
As Vicotr says, no one who really cares is that busy or tired they can't pick up a phone at some point, just to see how you are

It taught me a valuable lesson that, just because a person is important to you dosnt mean you are important to them
Click to expand...


Yes so true! He or she may be very important to you, but the Other might not even think about you or care. When you see or call them they
may act all happy but it is just be an act. That's how my life has been so far. Girlfriends were usually more important to me than I was to them,
I hate admitting it. Love is often not a two way street. One way--deadend. And the excuses go on.
 
I learned at a time of severe tragedy when I really needed people to be there for me, people who claimed to care for years, that they didn't care at all. It was inconvenient for them, or they felt that somehow the tragedy was catching. This has happened to me a number of times since then. I've been incredibly hurt by it, but nursing that hurt did me no good whatsoever. When ever anything like this comes up again, I am again hurt. But I'm learning to move on more quickly. People are such as they are and no amount of me wanting them to be caring, makes them that way. They are emotional amoebas in life's evolution. That's why I like my cats and dogs, when I have a dog.
 
What's that saying: never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option?

I feel like it's may be more common than we think how little emotional equity there is between people.
 
I haven't heard from my brother for many years. I once mentioned this to our mother who just made the usual excuses for him - oh he's very busy , he works very hard etc etc.. I replied that I could find the time to send him cards, so I hoped that didn't mean I was lazy! I just gave up - I don't know where he is, and I don't really care.
 
My ex wife made a big fuss for years about how the grandchildren were so far away, and how she could hardly see them, she was missing birthdays, etc.

So, after talking with her and our child, I arranged for my child and the grandchildren to move a lot closer. I paid most of the costs myself. They now live in another city about 35 miles from my ex-wife.

Ex-wife is now remarried and now does not have much time to see them. If she does it's only because they make the effort to visit her, or she has some other reason to be in the kid's city, so when she is done doing whatever brought her to that city, she gives them whatever time is left over. Everything is more important; the new husband, church obligations, travel to see relatives in foreign countries, her friends, the community garden, etc. My child tries to hide it but I can tell she is deeply disappointed.

The good news is that Grand Daddy gets lots of time with the little grand kids and they think he is the greatest!
 
I too have found that making decisions based on what others say and want, is a huge waste of time, money and emotional energy. At this point in our lives I think we can see that through time-laced lenses. As I assess my most recent loss of my brother who I had not seen in years, it is all coming together. I am working out the deep seated pain, pain I dealt with the best I could at the time. Now I want to be free of it.
 
FWIW, some of the stories here make me realize just how important my family is to me and they should always have an important status in my life.
 
Brookswood said:
FWIW, some of the stories here make me realize just how important my family is to me and they should always have an important status in my life.
Click to expand...

Mine always had an important status, and when I needed them, they were absent. Making them important didn't help.
 

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