Falling "through the cracks" (no! no! not me)

G

GeorgiaXplant

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia
I have a cyber friend whom I met online when she volunteered her expertise to be the administrator and build a web page for a friend who needs a kidney transplant. She's spent countless hours on his behalf and has done the same for many others.

She was in an abusive marriage for years and finally managed to escape about two months ago after squirreling away a few dollars here and there over the years. She had enough money to pay the security deposit and rent and the rent for another two months and cover utilities and groceries.

She hadn't worked in many years because her husband "wouldn't let" her, and after she moved, the utility companies came back with a demand that she pay larger deposits than they initially required because she had no credit history. Those deposits plus unexpected repairs on her old and ailing car ate up more of her dwindling cash.

She'd been very actively trying to find IT work that she could do from home and had a few small jobs.

Shortly after she finally got away from her abuser, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery was supposed to be earlier this month and was postponed because of an infection that had to be conquered first. It's now scheduled for September 9, and she has no idea whether she'll have a home to go to when she's released or even, for that matter, whether she'll still have a home when she goes into the hospital on September 9.

Now she finds herself in the unenviable position of being one of those people. You know, those people. The people you read about and hear about on the news. Those other people. The ones who fall through the cracks and when they desperately need help, have nowhere to turn and for whatever bureaucratic reasons can't/don't qualify for any help.

And those NGOs that the super-rich, super-financially conservative, the-government-wastes-too-much-money-on-social-programs people say are out there to help? They aren't. Why? Because their funds are so limited and so in demand that there just isn't enough to help all those who need help.

She could be any one of us. We are each just a heartbeat away from one catastrophic event --through absolutely no fault of our own-- that could put us in just such an awful situation.

I can't save the world. I can't keep bad stuff from happening to good people. In this case, I can't do anything at all to help, and it hurts like hell.
 

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Georgia, what a heartbreaking story. I hope with all my heart that things work out well for your friend. I can only imagine how sad and helpless you must feel.:love_heart: Do think it might be possible to set up crowd funding for your friend?
 
Very sad story GeorgiaX, you're right, it could happen to any of us, especially those in the middle class like me, or the poor. I hope she can get any assistance that she needs.
 

Shali, when we first heard of the, um, cash flow problem, it was mid-July, and my daughter set up a GoFundMe page for her, over her strenuous objections. She finally agreed when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and after being turned down for help at every turn. All that was asked for was $3500, in the overall scheme of things a small sum.

She has many cyber friends and some RL friends in spite of her husband managing to keep her pretty much isolated. Since mid-July, 23 people have donated a total of $833. Twenty three people. Yesterday a RL friend stopped by with eight greatly-appreciated sacks of groceries. Most of the rest of her RL friends? They call her and give her all kinds of advice and lots of coulda-woulda-shoulda crap about going back to her husband and his abuse or that if she'd stayed and "submitted" to him because that's God's will, she wouldn't be in this position now. No. She wouldn't be in this position now. She could very well be dead. Those "friends"? They haven't donated one red cent. They tell her to pray.

Yanno what? God helps those who help themselves. She's trying to help herself.

Whenever there's an update posted, I share with my 67 Facebook friends/family and ask again each time that even if they aren't motivated to donate to please share with their friends. Last night I was so bummed over my friend's situation that I shared an update and actually came right out and BEGGED friends/family to share. If each of them shared it, it would reach so many more people.

Not one of them shared the page. One niece "liked" it.

The friend she created the web page for who needs a kidney transplant? It has been shared and shared and shared among the "transplant community" and their friends and families and hasn't resulted in a match for him yet, but has resulted in matches and transplants for two other people. Two lives saved simply by clicking on "share" on Facebook.

I want to cry, not that it would help. I want to cry not so much for my friend, but for my own friends and family who are so smugly and securely settled into their comfortable little lives.
 
Georgia, that is beyond sad, I am so sorry. Unfortunately the attitude of these people is all too prevalent. It sucks. If I may be so bold as to play therapist for a moment, I would suggest this lady dump her so called "God-fearing' friends." ASAP. She has enough on her plate as is without the self-elected God Squad playing with her vulnerability.
 
Dear God , that's a horrible story and one which resonate with many of us who may have found ourselves in the position of abused spouse and who desperately tried to get out, many of whom can't for lack of funds. I could go on at length about this but that won't help your friend.

I have to say that those who offered money to a stranger on a 'gofundme' page have to take a story at face value when they're donating and hope they're not being taken for a ride...but in your friends' case it sounds like a very genuine story, she didn't even ask for anything for herself..and was grateful for what she was given through the generosity of others.

OTOH I understand your frustration and anger on her behalf, because it's personal for you as her friend..but I can also see how others may feel wrung out by hearing hard luck stories all over the internet..although clearly this lady desperately needs help and clicking on a 'share' wouldn't cost anyone a thing ...I just wonder if she has so many real life friends why they all seem to be telling her the same thing...surely there must be some of them who have her back, otherwise how can they be friends?
 
Shali, she's much too nice to dump them:(

Holly, mostly her real friends aren't in a position to part with cash, but they do help out in other ways as they're able to. She hasn't a lot of friends in her town. Her controlling husband saw to that. Her "church" friends, however... And she has no family.
 
I used to work for social services in, at that time, one of the poorest counties in the U.S. The welfare abuse that was going on was unbelievable. And by "abuse" I don't mean it was illegal (although I'm sure some of it was), there is so much wrong with the system that I wouldn't even know how to go about repairing the damage. I do know it's extremely unfair to the middle class if they happen to all at once find themselves in a bad position and need a helping hand. So many people are one pay check away from being on the street and then when it happens it's hard for them to get temporary help. GeorgiaXplant, please keep us up on how your friend is doing. I guess there is no one who can just take her in to live with them for awhile?
 
She's about 1200 miles away from us, however many miles from her other cyber friends, has no family and has no friends close by who are in a position to take her in. No idea what will become of her.

I remember when my mother became disabled. An amputee with a bad heart. Paid taxes all her life but had to jump through hoops and untangle miles of red tape to get help. And food stamps? She had to appear in person every three months so that they could "verify" that she was really disabled. Like her leg was going to grow back and her heart problems be cured. Of course, the only way for her to get to the food stamp office was for me to take time off work. There was no such thing as an appointment. They told you what day to be there, and you showed up and waited, no matter how long it took.

Linda, I'll bet the percentage of people who abuse the system is small, but it's those few bad apples...

I get so frustrated that I want to just give up, but I won't. My friend hasn't, and giving up would be like giving up on her.
 
Is she planning to divorce the jerk? Could she file a divorce petition and ask for an emergency order of support? If she were here, she could do that, especially if she has documentation of abuse (medical records, police calls, etc., or even someone who saw bruises, etc.). If she has lost her medical coverage, she should talk to a social worker at the hospital she will be entering and see if she can qualify for Medicaid or other help based on her diagnosis. The hospital social workers were very helpful to us when my niece was so ill. Also, has she checked out shelters for abused women? She should also check out her state's version of food stamps and welfare. It is a long and arduous road, but we were able to finally find help for my niece's situation.

Someone should go with her when she goes to try to get help, because many times (as in my niece's case) the person gets embarrassed and overwhelmed at the process and just throws in the towel. Someone who is calm, persistent, stubborn, assertive, and unfazed by bullsh*t should go with her (I went with my niece, or after she got sicker, in her stead with a power of attorney). There IS help out there, but it is very difficult to get because of all the bureaucratic crap and red tape.
 
Butterfly said:
Is she planning to divorce the jerk? Could she file a divorce petition and ask for an emergency order of support? If she were here, she could do that, especially if she has documentation of abuse (medical records, police calls, etc., or even someone who saw bruises, etc.). If she has lost her medical coverage, she should talk to a social worker at the hospital she will be entering and see if she can qualify for Medicaid or other help based on her diagnosis. The hospital social workers were very helpful to us when my niece was so ill. Also, has she checked out shelters for abused women? She should also check out her state's version of food stamps and welfare. It is a long and arduous road, but we were able to finally find help for my niece's situation.

Someone should go with her when she goes to try to get help, because many times (as in my niece's case) the person gets embarrassed and overwhelmed at the process and just throws in the towel. Someone who is calm, persistent, stubborn, assertive, and unfazed by bullsh*t should go with her (I went with my niece, or after she got sicker, in her stead with a power of attorney). There IS help out there, but it is very difficult to get because of all the bureaucratic crap and red tape.
Click to expand...

Best advice yet! Your last paragraph is perfect! There is help, but it needs be doggedly pursued.
 
Linda, you asked if my niece recovered. No, she died the end of January. By the time she was diagnosed with colon cancer it had already spread. She of course lost her two jobs and her medical benefits, her apartment and her car. She was divorced and still had two minor children at home and was barely 41.
 
This world is so grossly imbalanced, far to many stories like your friends. It's so sad that we repeatedly hear of Very Good people fighting for their lives like this while others bask in gluttony.
 

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