Family Estrangements....the pain of it all!

Considering what they have to deal with many do ok.
I've seen that more independent scenario play out as I have the ungrateful kids who had a lot of help from their parents to the point of enabling. After certain point all the adults in the room shouldn't be relying on or rationalizing their upbringing or what others had or they didn't. As adults it should be a clean slate and it's those adults that decide what to write on it. If they want to write "I don't care", 'My way or the highway" or "Screw you" so be it.

Believe or not most people can chose what karma train they'll catch a ride on. Problem is most stick with the decisions they made decades ago.
 

You would think with our issues, there would be few problems. Not true.

One son, his family and I are in NC, one son and his family are in Iowa.

I visit Iowa every two years, they promised to visit on alternate years. Hasn't been done, although they take extended vacations.

We finally got them to agree to a family get together, meeting halfway between Iowa and NC, which we have been trying to do for years. We were supposed to meet in Cincinnati, even though I am recovering from a total hip replacement. (no one cares much about that.)

The day before yesterday, Iowa's middle daughter broke her leg. I don't think they are coming. We only have a few days to cancel the hotel reservations. The worst part is, I ADORE this boy. I've had very little time to get to know his family. (He has three very young girls, the oldest is in kindergarten) and I know he adores me. He's my oldest child. The problem has been his wife. She makes no secret that she doesn't like the rest of Nathan's family.

I feel horrible that the little girl broke her leg, but I was so excited to see them. My spouse and I have discussed going there. Nathan has a new home and is very proud of it. Maybe we should. Maybe his wife needs to know that we are going to be a part of their family. But it's a 16 hour drive. We've also discussed spending time with the other family here. We could go to the beach, and we are beach people. That's part of the reason I moved here. And I'm sure the other kids have taken time off to spend on the trip next weekend. I don't know what to do.

Anyone have advice? I'm really torn. I know I need to wait and see if they will cancel, but they are pretty obsessed with their children's health. I think they won't be coming.
 
You should ask if they are still coming. Mention the grand daughters broken leg. Send a voicemail or a text if they won't answer the phone. This is important because of the reservations. You don't have to mention that.
 

You would think with our issues, there would be few problems.

.......

The problem has been his wife. She makes no secret that she doesn't like the rest of Nathan's family.

Maybe his wife needs to know that we are going to be a part of their family.

.......

I'd say you can visit your son especially with his knowledge no questions asked. But I wouldn't try pushing any opinions or questions that seem interrogation like especially in front of the daughter in law.

What's her beef with the rest of the family? Bad experience at an event or with a sibling? Unwanted advice?

It could be a bad first impression or lousy assessment on the wife's side. Maybe somebody said or did something they dont even realize. Some people are always sizing people up. While you are casual playing checkers they are constantly playing chess analyzing every single word, emotion, inflection and action.
 
I think it's a matter of her contantly analyzing and making quick judgements that she harbors resentment about. We might be more alike than I care to admit, because I catch small things that people do, as a self-proclaimed people watcher. I do believe she holds grudges, and my younger son has admitted that he has upset her. I think our/his sins bounce off the rest of the family, and we are all held accountable. She's even told me that she doesn't like being called by Nathan's last name. I think she takes offense to very casual comments and small misdemeanors that the rest of us really don't think much about.
 
You should ask if they are still coming. Mention the grand daughters broken leg. Send a voicemail or a text if they won't answer the phone. This is important because of the reservations. You don't have to mention that.
I haven't called them yet, but talked to my younger son. He told me that the trip is off. I suggested to him that we take a vacation with his family. He had been contimplating going to Iowa, but I think he liked the idea of going somewhere with us.

I did contact the booboo girl's dad and asked him to get her balloons. (I'm cheap that way. Florists are outrageous) If he won't, I will order them. Her mother said the leg is broken in several places, so she will have to have surgery.

It's all a huge worry about her, as she carries a gene for cystic fibrosis. She's been a big concern for a couple of years.
 
It sounds like she has you written off as judgemental right or wrong. As far as what another son did if she can be that petty I wouldn't even dwell on what he might have said or done.

Some people just never sync up because of the way the view, treat and/or interact with people. It's not so much one event although every little thing will be entered on a transgression ledger. Also most people don't have the patience to talk about or go over nuanced subjects or events in detail. So this makes a truce or peace much harder to achieve. I back off confrontation a lot with family even if I'm pretty sure I'm right because turning family matters into debates and prosecutions rarely work. This one reason you really shouldn't talk politics or do business with family.

As seniors and supposedly the wiser I guess we're more responsible to make things work, overlook, forgive etc. In other words if you want to see your son/grand children that you'll have to take most of the initative towards an acceptable relationship.
 
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I haven't called them yet, but talked to my younger son. He told me that the trip is off. I suggested to him that we take a vacation with his family. He had been contimplating going to Iowa, but I think he liked the idea of going somewhere with us.

I did contact the booboo girl's dad and asked him to get her balloons. (I'm cheap that way. Florists are outrageous) If he won't, I will order them. Her mother said the leg is broken in several places, so she will have to have surgery.

It's all a huge worry about her, as she carries a gene for cystic fibrosis. She's been a big concern for a couple of years.
So sorry things didn't work out. Just keep in touch. You don't have to call every day or visit to do that Send the balloons too. You are doing it for your grand daughter no one else. It may seem like you are doing all the work right now, but relationships change over time. If you cut them off altogether it will be harder to pick it up again if at all. Adult children become so entrenched in their lives, they forget about older family members. They need reminders we are still thinking about them. Nothing wrong with that.
 
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Adult children become so entrenched in their lives, they forget about older family members. They need reminders we are still thinking about them. Nothing wrong with that.

This is what people have to remember about relationships with anyone-their priorities, schedules, energy level etc ARE different and make that much harder to sync up with others let alone seniors who don't have to worry about things like work/the job. Many family visits or availability is Sunday for many. But many younger aren't worried about seeing mom/grandmom they are worried about going into work Monday. Many dred Mondays and have anxiety all day Sunday because they know Monday is coming. Many seniors don't have that occupying space, time and effort in their head. This is just one example of something that makes it tougher when trying to sync up/have a relationship.

I bring this up because this is one of the reasons some adult family members became estranged. The senior parents started holding more events on Sunday for 'holiday' dinners and/or on various holidays the dinner was so late people had to leave early to get some sleep before work the next day. The senior parents understood per say but as the adult children started leaving earlier and earlier even not making it this laid the foundation for future beefs and arguments that are still playing out years later.
 
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Children need all the love they can get and it's a pity when they are used as pawns in family disagreements. They are the ultimate losers.

A grandparents love is the closest most of us come to unconditional love. All other usually comes with conditions.
 
My youngest son's wife and I don't sync so well either. She was a pampered child and expects everything to work out for her all the time. I have had more disappointments than I can count. I keep my opinions to myself. I see her getting irritated sometimes with things I say and do. Adult life has a way of leveling the playing field though. Sometimes we don't get what we want no matter how great we think we are.
 
.... She's even told me that she doesn't like being called by Nathan's last name.

Ummm...so she goes by her maiden name? I do too, so I'm not surprised she doesn't like being called by the wrong name.

When my DH's family asked me why I didn't change my name, I said I didn't want to. But I was fine with the idea that DH could change his name to mine, if he wanted! DH just laughed. He was fine with the joke, but yes, the older generation was rather taken aback.

Nowadays, of course, it's quite common.
 
Ummm...so she goes by her maiden name? I do too, so I'm not surprised she doesn't like being called by the wrong name.

When my DH's family asked me why I didn't change my name, I said I didn't want to. But I was fine with the idea that DH could change his name to mine, if he wanted! DH just laughed. He was fine with the joke, but yes, the older generation was rather taken aback.

Nowadays, of course, it's quite common.
I understand using a maiden name. I do the same myself, but I'm in a bit of an unusual situation. I don't think my daughter-in-law uses hers, she just likes it better than my son's, which I think is funny. What does it matter? His is way more unique.
 
One of my DIL's took my son's last name, the other has stayed with her maiden name. My daughter changed her last name when she married but still sometimes uses her maiden name.

If it had been the custom to do so when I got married almost 40 years ago, I would have kept my maiden name in business and used my married name for situations that involved my husband/children.

p.s. A2Z, it seems to matter to you. This is between them.
 
I think I would go to Iowa if nothing else, but to see the poor little girl with a badly broken leg. I'd bring her presents.

I wouldn't discuss anything potentially upsetting, show nothing but love and a relaxed attitude. I'd try not to react to any disagreeable words. Keep it short, loving and accepting. By showing affection to your dil and grandchildren, you'll reinforce the bond with your son.

Myself, I'd probably have to bring a few socks to shove into my mouth for when I hear something I consider awful!
 


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