Family Estrangements....the pain of it all!

911

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2014
Location
USA
In some cases, a family may be dysfunctional. Inside of a dysfunctional family, you may find at least one member of the family is codependent. Codependency is a whole nother issue. However, if a child grows up with a father that is an alcoholic or drug addict, that child may become codependent. It all depends on what the child is taught or is shown while being raised. (I'm only talking about day to day behavior.)

Later in life, if the child is codependent, that child will normally seek out another codependent to hook up with or marry. Now, we have two codependents and if they should have children, it's more than likely that their children will become codependents. The chain can only become broken if one of the codependents recognize that they have a problem and seek out counseling.

My point to all this is that if there is codependency going on within our family line or even if one of the family's in the clan are dysfunctional, the behavior from that person or family can create havoc within the clan. I have seen this happen more than once.

(Where's Shalimar when we need her? She could explain this better than me.)
 

Lc jones

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2017
Location
Florida
Sometimes there are valid reasons that some kin/relative are universally DISliked. Think about it. Just make sure that
you're not one of them.
I agree 100%. I’ve recently had to divorce/disown a very close family member from my life due to the mental anguish this person was causing me. Of course both of us had flaws and faults but she wouldn’t own that she had any part in the troubles. That left us at an impasse. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life but for my peace of mind it was very necessary.
 

AprilSun

Active member
Joined
Apr 23, 2015
Location
USA
I agree 100%. I’ve recently had to divorce/disown a very close family member from my life due to the mental anguish this person was causing me. Of course both of us had flaws and faults but she wouldn’t own that she had any part in the troubles. That left us at an impasse. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life but for my peace of mind it was very necessary.
I have had to divorce/disown some family members also. They think they can treat me and talk to me any way they want to and I'm suppose to forgive them not just once but repeatedly. It was never their fault according to them. I have tried forgiving in the past but then they would start back to doing it again and that's when I said, that's enough. I quit having anything to do with them and it has been worth it!
 

911

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2014
Location
USA
Sounds like some of my domestic calls after a guy beats his wife or gf and the guy blames the woman, “She made me do it. I told her what to do and she messed it up. Why can’t she do anything right? It just really pisses me off and I lose it. This wouldn’t happen if she would just do it right.”
 

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Joined
Mar 28, 2018
Location
Canada
One of the things I notice in certain families is that were certain people pass on the poop really starts to fly. Maybe some are diplomatic out of respect or the deceased was the reason they maintain any type of relationship.

The most surprising here is that an 50+ adult child abandoned a surviving parent in less than 6 months after the other died. I guess it was years of suppressed issues and it does take two to argue/fight etc. Took about another 1/2 year before communication picked up. The parent had several medical evenst in which the adult child refused to help out.

Can't emphasize this enough. There are unaddressed and suppressed issues and if they are never dealt with they will come out and affect decisions. But those issues could've been cause for estrangement or banishment decades ago. Everyone is worried about being viewed upon as 'normal' and if they banished or disowned a family member decades ago that would've upset their perception about themselves. Some issues are suppressed to save other members in the family.
Family can be complicated and incredibly hurtful at times.
Wow! How did I miss this. Bingo. You are so spot on and exactly where I am now. Suppressed issues or issues either tossed under the carpet can start brewing and coming to the surface to be healed. Some family members would rather they stay as is while others prefer them to be discussed so the family dynamics can change to something much healthier. Some family members do get disowned
 

WhatInThe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2013
Wow! How did I miss this. Bingo. You are so spot on and exactly where I am now. Suppressed issues or issues either tossed under the carpet can start brewing and coming to the surface to be healed. Some family members would rather they stay as is while others prefer them to be discussed so the family dynamics can change to something much healthier. Some family members do get disowned
Good or bad outcomes issues should not be allowed to brew. Even if the outcome isn't favorable if addressed years or decades earlier at least there's more time for a peace or time for people to change, apologize or adapt. I know if some were banished or ostracized much earlier in life themselves and the family might be much healthier today. For some it might have been a violent push out of the inner circle for ever for others it would peace.

I think it's another case of 'not me' syndrome. Not our/my family. Nah that always happens to other people. That's what I thought and was told until certain realities become glaringly apparent. A family member drinking to get drunk on a routine holiday or get together is bad enough. The hosts and senior family who ignored or enabled it are just as bad. But nobody wants to offend or more important admit they have close family members with problems that only happens in other families. Decades of denial seals up everyone's true opinions and feelings until it all comes bursting out onetime.
 

fuzzybuddy

Well-known member
I thought I wrote the book on not getting along with your kin, but reading some of the above, I'm not alone. My mom had a mental problem that fractured the family. Yet, now, I can see that we all were growing apart. I don't think I did enough to cause this rift, but apparently, others disagree. There was a time that having the same surname meant something. Not any more. I haven't seen or heard from my "family" in well over a decade. I can't say I miss them.
 

toffee

Active member
Joined
Sep 11, 2018
Location
uk
me and my siblings had a strict down trodden up bringing by a man who was our father ' he treated my mother worse '
as they all grew up they was well out of it -7 all told' but we all remained close knit -and respected each other 'even all our own kids ,
we all knew we would not repeat what we had to 'ever again .
 

WhatInThe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2013
...There was a time that having the same surname meant something. Not any more...
I think that's where many get into trouble pulling that card when they shouldn't. It's like demanding respect to some. Just don't use it when you want something. Too many are traveling a preconceived notion of a family and not reality. Everybody is too afraid to admit their family would qualify for an episode of Jerry Springer or Dr Phil.

Today in particular there are so many variables that can keep a family together or apart. Immediate family acted as a support system in the past now many don't want or even care about that.
 

Judycat

Active member
Joined
Jun 17, 2019
Location
Pennsylvania
My youngest son invited me to come over this weekend. I haven't seen them and the grandkids since May. With them, I usually have to wait until there is room for me. First Christmas they were married I asked if I could come over. He said, "Her family is here, there isn't room for you." Of course I felt bad. But that's him, I don't think he ever thought there would be anything wrong in saying that. Next Christmas, I asked to come over. He started going on about not wanting to make dinner...I told him, who said anything about dinner, your sister and I will come over, have a cookie, we'll talk a little bit, and go home. After that he relaxed, and usually once a month he makes room to invite me over.
 

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Joined
Mar 28, 2018
Location
Canada
My youngest son invited me to come over this weekend. I haven't seen them and the grandkids since May. With them, I usually have to wait until there is room for me. First Christmas they were married I asked if I could come over. He said, "Her family is here, there isn't room for you." Of course I felt bad. But that's him, I don't think he ever thought there would be anything wrong in saying that. Next Christmas, I asked to come over. He started going on about not wanting to make dinner...I told him, who said anything about dinner, your sister and I will come over, have a cookie, we'll talk a little bit, and go home. After that he relaxed, and usually once a month he makes room to invite me over.
Awwwww.... ... it must be difficult being a mom at times. Good for you for having patience and persistence. I understand some of it. Men aren’t as domesticated as women so invitations don’t come easy which is why the wife usually helps with these types of things. My brother invited my parents over to their first house once and once in their second house . That was in a 30 year span.
 

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