Family undercurrents

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I've posted here before I think about Ron's ex, Julie. The family has remained close, and seasonal events, birthdays etc., are usually celebrated together...Ron, me, his 2 adult kids and their significant others, the 2 preschool grandkids, Julie and her husband Chris.

For the most part, I'm doing fine navigating Julie's insecurities. As much as she wants to be my best friend, I'm gently keeping her at arm's length. Her intrusiveness gets to me a bit, in that she sometimes feels like it's her job to let me know how to deal with Ron, not realizing that the "issues" she's advising me on are non-existent between Ron and me, because said issues were created by Julie and not Ron. She drinks a lot, and sometimes is loud and obnoxious. The family just ignores her when she gets like this, ignores the jibes and rudeness and general unpleasantness, and Ron has advised me to do the same..just don't engage. OK.

Krystal, his oldest, is getting married in May. Krys is involving me deeply in her wedding prep with my full agreement. I went with her and Ron to pick out her dress. I've spent countless hours with her going over everything from menus to party favors to decorations for the wedding, shopping with her, texting back and forth constantly about ideas, suggestions, she'll send me pictures of what she's planning to buy and what do I think...like that. She has me listed as head-coordinator, I'm in touch with the wedding planner, etc.

I'm thoroughly enjoying myself lol! Love this stuff. Julie is doing hardly anything, and the few things that Krystal HAS given her Mom to do, Julie has injected her own opinions and ideas and just gone ahead and done her own thing, even though Krystal has a very specific plan and vision. I'm sure you can understand how this has upset Krystal a lot.

Here's the problem. Julie has no idea how much I'm doing for Krystal and the wedding. No clue. It's tacit between Krys and me that I don't let Julie know how involved I am, because Krys would get the backlash from that. I totally get this and the LAST thing I want to do is create a problem for Krystal, she has enough going on. There are however several things coming up in the next three weeks before the wedding... a family dinner, then Julie has to come over and move the last of her things out of Ron's closet so we can tear it down, Krystal's bridal shower this w/e, and it just hit me this morning how stressed I am about seeing Julie at these things. Any time Julie and I are together she talks to me about the wedding, and I'm concerned that I'll inadvertently give away how much I'm doing or how involved I am.

Personally I am an open book, plus my own nuclear family doesn't ever have these kinds of undercurrents and things we can and can't say in front of each other. It just doesn't happen. So I'm struggling a bit with operating this way and worried I'm going to inadvertently say something and it will upset Julie, which will backlash onto Krystal. Ugh.

 

If the daughter is voluntarily involving you I would just be discrete. Sounds like the daughter realizes that her mom is/does more than drinks alot. Their relationship not your business but the wedding apparently is. Compartmentalize for diplomacy sake.
 
Oh dear, what to say?

I know Krystal approached you, not the other way around. Why? because her mother has a drinking problem and can't be trusted to get all the jobs done. She has more trust in you.

You knew before you started that Julie could never know how much you're involved in her daughter's wedding. How did you think you could really pull that off? You might by luck, but imo, it's a real long shot. Maybe she already knows and deep down actually prefers you do it all, saving her the aggro. Who knows.

There may or may not be a blow up, but Krystal should be prepared for one. She started the ball rolling by asking you for so much help. It's too late now for panic. You shouldn't feel badly Ronni. After all, how could you refuse?

Julie doesn't want to be your best friend, as I'm sure you realize...I think she just wants to keep her foot in the door. She has her stuff in the closet in Ron's house, why? (and why hasn't Ron gotten them out of the house by now?)

Anyway, good luck with this. Your intentions were good and you were put on the spot.
 

It's great that Krystal needs your help and you've done so much for her so far...kudos. You should just relax, maybe have a talk with Krystal, because honestly, things will come out and Julie will get hints as to how much you have done for Krystal. That is nothing to be ashamed of, and you can't put blindfolds on Julie until after the wedding, life needs to just go on and hopefully be pleasant for you, Krystal and all involved.

Julie has a drinking problem and an attitude problem, everyone knows that including Krystal. She needs to consider the source and not put so much importance on whether Julie gets angry about something, it's gone on for years and everyone in the family knows how Julie is.

It's hard to have a smooth ride when you're around toxic people, best thing to do is just deal with the issues as they pop up, downplay them and move on. Good luck, I think you're doing great with your new family.
 
I will sincerely say this...…..good luck! Neither my wife nor I have family or "ex" problems. One of the reasons we don't have any problems is because we choose to live states away from family. As far as "ex's" go, my "ex" is very happily married and has been for 30 some years. I've been married now for 18 years, together 19, and couldn't be any happier. She is the only "ex" I have. We don't have any problems with my wife's "ex's" because one has already passed and the other has been out of her life for years and years.

So, like some couples, young and old, we do fine without any family around. Now, if there were kids in the picture, that might be different. Wife lost two kids, one to cancer and the other to crib death...…...many, many years ago. And, me, I'm totally 100% "not close" with my 42 year old daughter and that is fine with her and I. Wife and I wish that we could know our grandson (my daughter's son), but that just isn't going to happen.
 
"She has her stuff in the closet in Ron's house, why? (and why hasn't Ron gotten them out of the house by now?)"

RRose, that's my question too.
 
Am I the only one feeling a bit sorry for Julie ? Not only is she in the dark about the depth of Ronnie’s involvement with the wedding plans, I’m sure she has no idea her personal business is being discussed by a load of strangers in a public forum

There are two sides to every story.....
 
Pepper said:
"She has her stuff in the closet in Ron's house, why? (and why hasn't Ron gotten them out of the house by now?)"

RRose, that's my question too.
Click to expand...
I KNOW!!!

Krystal had julie’s stuff stored at her house (it’s a bunch of her art..a couple canvases, sketch pads etc) then when Krys moved into the tiny house it was agreed that she’d leave the art at her Dads for Julie to pick up. Remember that Ron’s other daughter Sheri with her two small kids moved back to Rons temporarily after her marriage failed, and she needed time to recoup financially and emotionally. Julie is therefore over there frequently visiting with her grandkids, or picking them up, or meeting Sheri to go somewhere. Julie just keeps forgetting to pick the art up which has really pissed Ron off. She’s coming by the house this w/e to drop some stuff off for Krystal's Bridal shower and Ron told her if she doesn’t pick the stuff up then he’s putting it out to the trash!!
 
applecruncher said:
Everybody - especially you, Ronni - needs to stop being so afraid of Julie.
She has the upper hand (figuratively) and that must change.
Otherwise the drama will continue.
Click to expand...
I’m not in the least afraid of her. But i am sensitive to the potential for backlash on the other family members, specifically Krystal right now. Otherwise I would have zero hesitation speaking my mind. The dynamic at play between Julie’s dysfunction and the rest of the family is problematic.
 
Ronni said:
I’m not in the least afraid of her. But i am sensitive to the potential for backlash on the other family members, specifically Krystal right now. Otherwise I would have zero hesitation speaking my mind. The dynamic at play between Julie’s dysfunction and the rest of the family is problematic.
Click to expand...

I rethought my comments and deleted, but not fast enough.

Good luck.
 
Ronni--it seems that there will always be undercurrents with blended families. I married my husband over 30 years ago when our kids were very small (youngest was 2). I try to avoid dealing with my husband's ex and my ex-husband's current wife because of things that have happened over the years. The main thing is to not ever put any of the kids in the position of having to take sides. That's the best I've got. :D (And one day, you may have to tell Ron's ex what you really think of her... very loudly.)
 
This sounds so exciting for you. Being asked by Krystal to help with her wedding must feel really good. You deserve it. You have such a loving heart. She’s lucky to have you.


One thing you say you don’t want is for Krystal to get any backlash from you helping out.
I hope I word this appropriately but have you ever considered how these people would feel if they found your posts? You aren’t incognito after all and you don’t know who might know you.


The reason why I say this is because I’ve written about family here shortly after joining to get help with making a difficult decision about my parents and at the time I was anonymous but then I added pictures so was no longer.


I’ve also asked for advice about a neighbour situation which I deeply regret that I can’t take back and it haunts me to this day. You say you’re an open book and you and your family talk about everything. That works for you but it might not work for her and I hope if that ever happens there is no backlash.


I also hope that wasn’t too harsh:hide:
 
Continue to help but keep your mouth shut. Put her things in a box, on the porch and the first one going to her place needs to take to her. You need the space for other things. No other explanation is needed. Krystal could drop them to her mother. If you are an open book, then I would close it a bit and say nothing about this forum to anybody. Everybody says its just her and goes along, then this is you and they can go along also. I don't suffer fools or bullies and you shouldn't either. Probably too strong for most of you so just ignore. You teach people how to treat you.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top