Fear of Dementia

MarkinPhx said:
His reaction was more based on the idea that his independence was being taken away from him. In a strange way he was reverting back to the boy that he was before he had a license. It was tough thing for him to accept.
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On another site, agingcare.com (which is mostly for those caring for elderly family or spouses and which although it has good advice sometimes can also depress the heck out of you, a lot of people going thru absolute hell trying to take care of loved ones), a gal recently asked for advice since she was thinking her elderly father needed to stop driving and would it really be that hard to do that, etc. Welp, the answers were all along the lines of "brace yourself"; one gal replied that she'd been thru it with her elderly dad, her elderly father-in-law, and her elderly husband, 3 different guys with 3 different personalities but as she put it (IIRC), "You are going to literally think you've died and gone to hell; you are going to get called every name in the book; and you will never get forgiven ever for making them not being able to drive. So get ready." That only seems to happen with old men rather than old women. Hmmmm. :unsure:

Anyway, something to look forward to with my Huzz; ain't life just a party, though? šŸ˜–
 

hollydolly said:
I hear all these horror stories, and you know I have to be really honest, if my husband ever gets it, and starts calling me names or lashing out, I will have to have him put in a home and let professionals look after him , I know my limits I just couldn't take it...
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Here in the States where I live, unfortunately even before Covid, it's quite the ordeal to get somebody put into a home. It was a hellish experience with my poor old stepdad, my mom and my huzz & I had to tell stepdad in the doctor's presence that he couldn't go back home from the hospital but had to go into the nursing home and the way that he cried and yelled still haunts huzz and me to this day. Here, if the person in the hospital has family, a doctor can't just order them into the nursing home, you have to go through what mom & huzz & I did. And, so much of the time, there's a waiting list for even the halfway-decent homes, let alone the good ones; 3 different co-workers of mine had to take leaves of absence without pay from their jobs since there were waiting lists for the homes in which they wanted (or had) to put their elderly parents in in each case; 1 co-worker had her mom on the list for 2 years and then had to work about 5 years longer than she had planned and lost her house due to the financial hit she took having to take those 2 years off work.
 

hollydolly said:
I hear all these horror stories, and you know I have to be really honest, if my husband ever gets it, and starts calling me names or lashing out, I will have to have him put in a home and let professionals look after him , I know my limits I just couldn't take it...
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I have threatened my husband a couple times with having him committed if he doesnā€™t get his crap together and I am serious. He was a bear last week, and this week itā€™s all yes dear, of course dear, let me do that dear.

I just vacuumed the whole house and mr canā€™t wipe his feet or take his shoes off, came in and tracked mud everywhere. He could see the steam pouring out of my ears šŸ¤¬and he holds out his hands and says ā€œafter I put your new bed together I will vacuum it all upā€. Yes you will and you will vacuum my bedroom right now. Yes dear. šŸ˜”
 
officerripley said:
Here in the States where I live, unfortunately even before Covid, it's quite the ordeal to get somebody put into a home. It was a hellish experience with my poor old stepdad, my mom and my huzz & I had to tell stepdad in the doctor's presence that he couldn't go back home from the hospital but had to go into the nursing home and the way that he cried and yelled still haunts huzz and me to this day. Here, if the person in the hospital has family, a doctor can't just order them into the nursing home, you have to go through what mom & huzz & I did. And, so much of the time, there's a waiting list for even the halfway-decent homes, let alone the good ones; 3 different co-workers of mine had to take leaves of absence without pay from their jobs since there were waiting lists for the homes in which they wanted (or had) to put their elderly parents in in each case; 1 co-worker had her mom on the list for 2 years and then had to work about 5 years longer than she had planned and lost her house due to the financial hit she took having to take those 2 years off work.
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In 2018, after being in the hospital for about 2 1/2 weeks my husband and I were told I would go into a nursing home for two months or the insurance would not pay for my hospital stay. šŸ¤¬. No choice. Once there it was a horrid place. I think I stayed 36 hours. Told them they would sign me out and see that my hospital bill was paid or Iā€™d call a news conference and say I was being held against my will, which I was.

An hour later I was released from hell. Never going back, never.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Nope not wrong, there is even a new study in Japan which confirms this, sorry to give you bad news. If you google, you will find I am right.
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This must be the information you're after?

"Children who had multiple adverse experiences growing up were more likely to develop dementia in old age, Japanese researchers reported.

People who had three or more adverse childhood experiences -- physical or psychological abuse, family psychopathology, or loss of a parent -- had twice the risk of developing dementia in later years as other older adults, even after taking into account economic hardship, demographics, education, and nutritional environment, according to Yukako Tani, PhD, of Tokyo Medical and Dental University, and co-authors."

Source: JAMA Network Open.
 
MarciKS said:
I live alone and honestly there's not really anyone here to take notice if something goes wrong & I won't be able to do anything about it. I'll just end up somewhere some day not knowing where I am or even being aware I'm lost. I just hope it's not in the middle of winter & I don't accidentally board a flight for another country. That would tick me off if I suddenly remembered who I was and I was in India or something.
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There was a woman about 15 years ago in this area. Left church and never made it to lunch to meet her friends as planned. She was reported to stop in several areas asking how to get back to her town. They found her car up in the hills and she was found dead near her car in the snow. Sad. I wonder though was it better to go that way then lingering in a nursing home for years and years.

Not writing this to be scary. It could be me also since I live alone. There will never be anyone to care for me if I can no longer care for myself.
 
Remy said:
There was a woman about 15 years ago in this area. Left church and never made it to lunch to meet her friends as planned. She was reported to stop in several areas asking how to get back to her town. They found her car up in the hills and she was found dead near her car in the snow. Sad. I wonder though was it better to go that way then lingering in a nursing home for years and years.

Not writing this to be scary. It could be me also since I live alone. There will never be anyone to care for me if I can no longer care for myself.
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i don't know. i think passing in a home would be far better than freezing to death.
 
hollydolly said:
not really. With hypothemia she would have just gone to sleep after a few hours... and died. much better than a horrible life with minimum wage carers leaving you lying in your own excrement in some cheap home...
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Unfortunately, hypothermia is not a peaceful death for everyone; for some, yes; but for some, they feel like they are being burned alive--why people who've died freezing to death while climbing the Himalayas, etc. are found naked, they tear their clothes off they feel so hot. (That'd be my luck if I tried that route, I betcha.)

Another bad way was what happened to a 90-something man in our town. He had dementia but could walk okay; wandered away from wherever he was living; everyone searched & searched for him; the police finally had to stop, said "this'll have to go in the cold case" file; everyone was so puzzled: yeah, okay he could walk but how far could a 90-something year old guy walk; why haven't we found him or his body. Then about 2 months after he went missing, some people here in town who'd been gone from home for several months came home and found him dead in their garage. He'd either broken the garage window & reached through & unlocked the man door which was right next to the window or they forgot to lock the window; I forget which. But the door from the garage into the house was locked, so he died in the garage. An un-airconditioned garage in 100 degree weather. So he could well have died from heat stroke and thirst rather than just dying in his sleep of old age; a hard way to go, I think.
 
officerripley said:
Unfortunately, hypothermia is not a peaceful death for everyone; for some, yes; but for some, they feel like they are being burned alive--why people who've died freezing to death while climbing the Himalayas, etc. are found naked, they tear their clothes off they feel so hot. (That'd be my luck if I tried that route, I betcha.)

Another bad way was what happened to a 90-something man in our town. He had dementia but could walk okay; wandered away from wherever he was living; everyone searched & searched for him; the police finally had to stop, said "this'll have to go in the cold case" file; everyone was so puzzled: yeah, okay he could walk but how far could a 90-something year old guy walk; why haven't we found him or his body. Then about 2 months after he went missing, some people here in town who'd been gone from home for several months came home and found him dead in their garage. He'd either broken the garage window & reached through & unlocked the man door which was right next to the window or they forgot to lock the window; I forget which. But the door from the garage into the house was locked, so he died in the garage. An un-airconditioned garage in 100 degree weather. So he could well have died from heat stroke and thirst rather than just dying in his sleep of old age; a hard way to go, I think.
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I heard the story about hypothermia, the old Eskimo woman whose teeth could no longer stretch the hides, she walks away from the village, sits down in the snow, and dies peacefully. It sounded so idyllic, but apparently it's not.
To shut down the loss of heat from the extremities, the body induces the narrowing of blood vessels (vasoconstriction). Over time the muscles necessary for inducing vasoconstriction become exhausted and fail, causing warm blood to rush from the core to the extremities.
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It completely shattered my idea of a peaceful death.
 
hollydolly said:
not really. With hypothermia she would have just gone to sleep after a few hours... and died. much better than a horrible life with minimum wage carers leaving you lying in your own excrement in some cheap home...
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Nursing homes are anything but cheap. Mine cost 2000 a day and was just a warehouse for old sick people. There were three other woman there who had been in the hospital and their doctors insisted they go to a nursing home before going home. I honestly think it was some kind of fraud - doctors getting kickbacks etc.

I asked them why they were there, instead of home, and they didnā€™t know the medical reason. I was there cause I was very weak, considered medical fragile, and everyone knew my husband would not care for me at home and I would have to care for myself. Still, it was a terrible place and it was a Catholic nursing home and clean but that was it.

There were no special diets so I had to go on insulin, 3 times a day, as the food was carb heavy. I had a private bathroom, but the shower didnā€™t work so I had to sponge bath. It was a single bed, very high off the ground, and hard to get in and out of. The chairs in the room were impossible for me to get out of, so I had to stay on the hard bed, which was like an ER bed but without rails. I was terrified Iā€™d fall out of it when asleep.

I was told to never leave anything in my room because the other patients there would steal your things etc. All these issues for 2000 dollars a day.
 
2,000 a day? That was make living in a nursing home $730,000 a year. Thereā€™s no way your average person, could pay that much. I know there are a lot of differences between the US and Canadian but this information seems way off.

Here in Canada long term care for nursing homes is subsidized. The government pays 50% and the residents pay 50% making the cost average out to about 2,000 a month depending on the type of room you want. If you have no money the government pays 100%. Nobody needs to go uncared for and while these places might not be the kind of place you want to end up, once you start getting Dementia, your life could be in danger. This was why it was so necessary to get my parents in a home as soon as possible but it wasnā€™t easy.

Hereā€™s is a basic nursing home in Canada for long term care.

https://reveraliving.com/en/live-wi...MI3re4n8LQ7wIVC43ICh1hYQphEAAYAyAAEgI1CfD_BwE

All the nursing homes I visit were clean, well organized, with impressive menus with a variety of options, the daily activity list, the exercise rooms, libraries, bath and shower areas, mobility service for outings, and great nursing nurses aids or support workers. I visit 7 or 8 of them and some of them were incredibly impressive. Most have garden centres in the middle of them for watching the birds, having a hot drink and a snack with your friends or reading a book. Nursing homes are nearly as frightening as I thought they would be.

Note: I shared my story about my parents as an example of the unexpected things that can happen with older people experiencing dementia. It wasnā€™t intended to shame anyone.
It was intended to learn from. I certainly did.
 
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Jules said:
@OneEyedDiva youā€˜re really dealing with and have dealt with many issues. When youā€™ve experienced it first hand, we canā€™t help but watch for signs. You certainly feel helpless.

If genetics indicate anything for me, my mother didnā€™t start to show signs until she was in her upper 80s.

My brain stimulator is bridge, online during Covid.
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I play several games that require a little strategy, Words With Friends & Scrabble, Tile Connect and a different kind of crossword (Cody Cross) that I'm decent at but learn a lot I didn't know. I play Fantasy Mahjong which challenges my memory a bit. Along with my creative endeavors, I'm hoping these things will keep the cobwebs and dementia out of my brain.
 
hollydolly said:
2, 000 a day ???? are you sure ? what was it . Buckingham Palace ? how could anyone afford 2 grand a day ?
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Yes I am sure. The hospital stay was over 100,000 for 2 1/2 weeks, the nursing home, nothing fancy 2000 a day not counting all the medical stuff like PT,OT, etc. we have primary insurance and Medicare and had met all our deductibles so our share would have been zero and they choose exactly the time frame that would be paid for in full by insurance-the two months. Rip-off for sure.

The stories I could tell about just being there overnight, it was a neglectful place. My son had scouted several places and this was the cleanest he could find in a short time. He said some of the places were really disgusting nasty filthy places.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I play several games that require a little strategy, Words With Friends & Scrabble, Tile Connect and a different kind of crossword (Cody Cross) that I'm decent at but learn a lot I didn't know. I play Fantasy Mahjong which challenges my memory a bit. Along with my creative endeavors, I'm hoping these things will keep the cobwebs and dementia out of my brain.
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I like Mahjong but have not played it in a long time.
 
DaveA said:
I question whether the occasional forgetfulness of older folks necessarily ties into on-coming dementia or some such disease. A possibility - -of course, but many old folks become forgetful and confused at times yet live to a ripe old age, still continuing to function. And even the term "old", in these forums, can mean almost anyone over 50, depending on that person's view on aging.

I'm 87 and my wife is 84. Are we forgetful - -you better believe it. Is it a sudden onset in the last couple of years - -not at all. I probably started to become forgetful (compared to my younger self) when I was in my late 60's. Worse today? I'd say so, but not disabling in any way.

That in no way compares to folks who do start to be ravaged in their later years. I only mention the above to point out, IMHO, that there is a certain amount of mental fade out for almost all of us but many pass away never contracting any "mental disease" known to modern science.
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If I could step back to a certain decade in my life, it would be my late 50s and early 60s, at which time I drove my husband crazy, so to speak, as I embarked on a crusade of sorts, volunteering both at a psychiatric hospital as editor of the in-house magazine, but also as an entertainment caregiver in a nursing home, also on a volunteer basis.

My dear mother had been "dumped" (I can't think of a better word) into a nursing home for dementia by my siblings, while I was living afar once more. Seeing at the time I was on a crusade against elder abuse, I decided to embark my studies on life in a nursing home, and felt ashamed at how families treated their loved ones incarcerated/dumped/abandoned in nursing homes...for their own good, mind you.

The first thing I did was to put away my preconceptions and plans, and prepare to play the game with the people you meet at a nursing home. My goal was not to judge but to bring joy...smiles, feelings back to the forefront...to make the old dears feel like someone once more, and not just a discard on a shelf.

A question that they always asked every day, throughout the day, was "What time is it?"--which kind of told you how lost they felt.

And, so I began my campaign of care. I collected old purses and put cards etc. in them and passed them out. A purse is something they all remembered and yearned for. Then there were stuffies or dolls (all safety-checked, of course), which turned into their babies of days gone by, and brought tears to my eyes. And, I listened to one and all.

My dear Mom, strapped in her wheelchair, was on a plane on a trip to visit old friends, and advised me very solemnly to leave, as her plane was about to take off! In other words, you got on the same page as they were.

I would come the next day and saw a group of ladies with their purses in hand off on a shopping trip. My Mom's trip went very well in spite of a bit of turbulence. All in all, I tried to bring a bit of fun...joy...memories, and was paid tenfold by seeing aged faces...the forgotten ones...happy with smiles which sure made my day.

I was asked to return after two years when my Mom passed, but, alas, the nature of my life was off on the road again...
 
@MarciKS and @hollydolly Yes sad to think she probably had met friends at that restaurant many times after church but that day she drove and drove, not finding her way to her destination. Just lost. She was reported to stop at several gas stations, quick marts up to almost an hour from her town asking how to get back to it. Either way this poor soul didn't have much ahead of her with the dementia setting in like that.

@officerripley Another sad outcome. People with dementia can walk and walk sometimes. Their minds have failed but their body still has strength. A hard outcome for the family and the homeowners of that property.
 
Remy said:
@MarciKS and @hollydolly Yes sad to think she probably had met friends at that restaurant many times after church but that day she drove and drove, not finding her way to her destination. Just lost. She was reported to stop at several gas stations, quick marts up to almost an hour from her town asking how to get back to it. Either way this poor soul didn't have much ahead of her with the dementia setting in like that.

@officerripley Another sad outcome. People with dementia can walk and walk sometimes. Their minds have failed but their body still has strength. A hard outcome for the family and the homeowners of that property.
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We have a man here that's never been found. He's been gone a year.
 
Remy said:
Oh no. That's super hard on the family. That poor person passed someplace in the woods on undeveloped land most likely.
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might have been kidnapped too. they never have found him or his body. and we've had some dead bodies turn up this past year. none were him.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Yes I am sure. The hospital stay was over 100,000 for 2 1/2 weeks, the nursing home, nothing fancy 2000 a day not counting all the medical stuff like PT,OT, etc. we have primary insurance and Medicare and had met all our deductibles so our share would have been zero and they choose exactly the time frame that would be paid for in full by insurance-the two months. Rip-off for sure.

The stories I could tell about just being there overnight, it was a neglectful place. My son had scouted several places and this was the cleanest he could find in a short time. He said some of the places were really disgusting nasty filthy places.
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This is where my M-i-l spent the last few years of her life... it costs Ā£1,000 per week...



https://www.carehome.co.uk/carehome.cfm/searchazref/20001070RUSC#
 

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