(TL
r at bottom if anyone doesn't want to read this rather lengthy psot.)
I have felt isolated for decades. 37 years ago I split state with my child to protect her from her abusive father who later offed himself instead of serving the time after being convicted of abusing other children but, man, is protecting your child in such a drastic manner ever isolating.
People will say they admire you for it or shake their head and say they could never do it. Which absolutely horrifies me. I used to think yes, you could. You just don't know that because you haven't been contronted with the failure of the family court system to serve the best interest of the child which leaves you with two options, doing that or looking the other way while your child is abused
To me, it was who could look the other way while their child is abused but I've come to realize that they absolutely do mean it. Which absolutely horrifies me. I try not to judge but I just can't help it. I find it absolutely abhorrent that there are those who just give up on protecting their child. Then there's the ones who never bring it to court and hush it up due to religion or being financially dependent on the abuser..
That's even more inexcusable. It's hard to get along with people due to this being just too weird for them to handle. Looking back, I suppose I could have lied and claimed to be widowed or something. Even somewhat true given he offed himself rather than do the time though we were already divorced at the time.
But I've revere the truth and have never been comfortable with lying. Truth telling has always gotten me into serious trouble. Look up honest to a fault in the dictionary and my picture will be next to it. Then everything in me protests how's it a fault to be honest?
The lack of diplomacy. That's how. But, in the case, of this - exactly what lie do I tell? Make up some horrendous lie that I have to keep embellishing the details of and can't bring receipts as the young folks say? If I say he offed himself then there's the whole lot of questions why and it'll wind up as bad as the truth anyway, especially since some are idiot enough to blame the spouse. You wouldn't think my truth would be bad but even when people honestly admire me for protecting my child, the truth overwhelms them and they keep themselves at arm's length from such a mess.
Then there's those who judge me for my poor choice in husbands as if child abusers come with the mark of Cain. Man, it'd be so much easier to protect our children and so many less children would be victims if they did.
Then there's my own repulsion at the women who whisper to me, I couldn't do that. If they don't also admit to looking the other way - a surprising lot do; do they expect approval from someone who couldn't - I've always said, yes, you could. You don't know how strong you are until you need to be.
Then there's the fact that it isn't just my child that had emotinal scars to get over but I do also. Also, the fact that merely resorting to such action impoverished me for the rest of my life. I consider myself lower middle class not poor but I will always be poorer for having done this. Thousands of dollars a year poorer.
To start with, I took a $7,000 a year pay cut in 1986. According to the inflation calculator that's $19,650 today. There's simply no keeping up with the Joneses. And, to be honest with myself, I'm lower middle class now that she's middle-aged and, hence, long grown and gone. We struggled on my secretarial wage when she was growing up.
I worked government jobs so I have Social Security and a state pension - both of which are lower due to income being lower for having fled state. I'm currently the best financially than I ever have been but, while I do consider it lower middle class, I'm well aware that most would consider it poor. I don't live in the inner city, don't depend on or qualify for anything like HEAP, food stamps, Medicaid and so on. If I had to be dependent on just Social Security, I would. My pension puts me just over the limit for such things. Just as my income when my daughter was growing up did.
Basically, it's been isolating on those two levels. People are weirded out by the situation which I don't deny and refuse to hide because I think these things need exposure. Those who abuse children should be named and shamed though it doesn't appear my honesty or the honesty of others in my situation has changed anything. Children are preyed on more than ever. Either that are we know about it more than ever due to the internet.
In any case, few people are really comfortable hanging out with someone whose life story could be made into several Lifetime movies. Those few are quality and I've always preferred a handful of quality friends to a large circle of acquaintances. So okay.
Then add on the poverty and me not having the money to spend on entertainment. There was no such thing as extra. Large tax refunds due to credits for earned income and day care went to much needed clothes for both of us every year as well as big ticket items like furniture - and, yes, I bought used where possible. I never would risk used mattresses or anything with cushions that bed bugs or other bugs like fleas could be hiding in.
I did take pride in supporting my daughter without child support or welfare but when I was an obvious single mother, I also suffered the stigma of that and the automatic assumption that I was a "welfare" mother. This angered me because I took great pride in not being one and I think they'd have liked me better if I were a welfare mother they could pity and feel superior to than my drawing myself up and saying icily I am not on welfare nor do I get child support. I provide for my child. She is my responsibility.
There is also the once burned; twice shy syndrome. I know how thoroughly you can wreck your life picking the wrong mate so I became a woman going her own way and avoid having one at all. It's not a need though our society treats it as if it is but people think that's just plain weird also to not be half of a couple. I know there's good guys out there. I just don't trust my judgement between being able to tell the good from the bad.
The bad ones are such good actors and pretending to be loving and caring until they blow up in your face. Last one that did that was just a few years ago. I'm done. I'm not giving any guy a chance anymore. It ain't worth it. People cannot comprehend choosing to be alone - which I have most of my adult life to be honest with just a few guys over the years gettiing through that wall I built up - and that also makes them shy away from me.
I had those few quality friends but then they seemed to fade away as I also grew ill and disabled. That's also been hugely isolating. I can't do things. That makes me not a very fun friend and my history and my reluctance to partner up with someone just makes me a weirdo in most people's eyes.
I have only a few friends left. One of my closest is a 27yo I've been friends with since he was 15. I think he made a Grandma substitute of me becasue he had just lost his grandmother who he was very close to. This is a friendship I cherish and he is happily planning his marriage so I'm utterly delighted for him. His fiance is a lovely girl. I am friends - as in friendly - with some of the neighbors in my building. That's it. My family and this young man are my only close friends.
My daughter has moved a few states away and now has a six hour drive to my apartment which she makes every two or three weeks. Grandson went with her and her husband (not his father, though, of course, his stepfather but they married when he was 17). I see her then and grandson and son-in-law even less often as they don't always accompany her due to work or other obligations.
This breaks my heart. I remember once being very close to both my daughter and grandson but soon as they grew up, they grew distant and I'm left tyring to understand why. I don't suffocate. I encourage their independence so why does growing up have to mean ignoring your parent/grandparent?
Sometimes when they do visit, I suffer from that same syndrome and feel alone in a room even with them. Grandson and son-in-law bury themselves in their phones and I think that horribly rude but there's utterly no point in protesting because it'd only result in a fight.
Daughter busies herself with something she thinks will help me. Some does; some doesn't really but she is super-sensitive and the reaction if I say I'd prefer her company is not something one wants to deal with. We've been there, done that and have reached a semi-awkward middle where she does a couple of things for me because when I complained she protested she wanted to be helpful and to not let her made her feel useless.
I think there's something horribly wrong with my feeling closer to the 27yo than I do my own family. In feeling that he understands me and they don't. Nine out of ten times, they just don't want to hear my opinions on anything. The tenth is when I agree with them.
So we talk about mundane shit whereas the 27yo and I talk about everything under the sun and respect each other even when we disagree, there's no walking on eggshells, we're just out there and even exchange the fiction we both write. The only thing he gets frustrated with is my lack of ambition with my fiction, my not wanting to publish. He's 27, he still has dreams of being a writer and quitting his day job. That period of my life is long gone.
Once in a while, we'll have a day where the phones are put down and we actually have a good time together. This happened this Thanksgiving and it actually felt good but it's all too rare.
TL;DR: All this was my horribly long way (I apologize for going on so long) of saying I understand how you feel. I feel lonely as all get out and have for decades. Hence, we're both here. At least we have this for some social interaction.
And for singles, meet someone to go to dinner with.
