Feeling obligated to my sister - her life is a mess but I'm trying to keep my life positive

F

Flaneuse

New Member
I've posted before about my younger sister. She's been depressed for five years, potentially suicidal, saying there is no reason to go on living if there is no joy in life. I have paid out approximately $16k over the past year for therapy sessions for her and have said I can't afford it any longer, which she seems to accept. She lives with me because she has no assets and a pathetically small social security income and would be homeless if she weren't here. But I'm getting so tired of it. *She never seems to stop asking for more.* I have a lot of airline miles that have accumulated because I didn't travel during the pandemic. She has said she hasn't been able to get a good night's sleep because of the dogs (who are here partly because she wanted them and have always slept with her - and she has encouraged their dependence on her) so I offered to use airline miles to get her a hotel room for a night. She turned that down and then said she'd like to use miles for a trip to South Africa to visit an elephant sanctuary, saying she hasn't had a vacation in 10 years. Well, she hasn't worked during those years and I mentioned to her that even using miles, flights cost money (taxes and fuel fees) and the rest of the trip costs money too. I guess she just intends to charge it up on her credit card and then later complain that she has huge credit card debt.

I know I'm rambling/venting but I am at my wit's end. I have worked all my life to have a comfortable retirement. I am probably far too generous with her and it seems she now thinks she's entitled to my generosity. I can't kick her out because she really would be on the streets and at 74 years old, that's no place for her. I'm learning to say no and have no plans to let her use my miles for travel - I have my own travel plans for the year. But it is hard to say no. I'm not responsible for her and the bad choices she has made in her life, but she is my sister and I can't ignore that fact. People have said that just because we share parents doesn't mean I have to take care of her, but I'm trying to have some compassion for someone who has totally messed up her life and never learned to take responsibility - the downside of being the cute baby of the family.

As I said - just venting and maybe looking for some support. I'm not going to kick her out - I just need the strength to continue to say no - and not feel guilty about it.
 

Flaneuse: I feel your frustration and "burnout". Is there community centre with " adult daycare"(where you sister can go to socialize with other seniors? ) of perhaps have a "visitor" to give you a break.
 

You’re a special sister. Too bad she doesn’t realize it. Let her know that she’s welcome to stay with you, but now there’re are going to be some new rules. Not sure what they’d be, but one would be to not complain about what she doesn’t have. Maybe she doesn’t realize this is financially stressful for you.
 
Interesting.

What does your sister do all day? Might she be able to hold down a part time job?

Does she walk or take any sort of exercise? It's a great anti-depressant.

Does she follow any sort of schedule? Might she want to take a course or do something with her hands? If she wants to go to an elephant sanctuary, might she want to volunteer at a local animal shelter or zoo?

Have you explored all the state/county/local options? She might qualify for reduced cost therapy, for food stamps, or for other benefits. You might even be able to get paid for taking care of her if she can't take care of herself.

I'm dealing with friends, a couple, who are in a similar situation. They don't have a loving sister like you to take them in. They are in their early 70s, almost no money, with husband in early stages of dementia. So my wife and I are trying to help them (help the wife, really) explore possible options. My wife is fiercely determined and is a genius at finding and exploring various resources.

If it were me, I would let my sister know that she'll never be out on the street, but that if she is going to live with you, she has to contribute and make an effort to get better. Everybody can do something.
 
If you can tolerate her for another 6 months to a year, go to a website for low-income housing and put her on the wait-list for a 1 bedroom apartment. I got into mine in about 6.5 months. Single bed apartments aren't in great demand, so the wait-time isn't as bad as for family-sized ones.

There's more than one nationwide low-income housing website and some states have their own. I used this one; mutualhousing.com

Get your sister out of your house. Tell her how much better she'll feel having her own place, being able to walk around in a safe area, and that she can have pets. Let her know the low-income housing people are obligated to ensure her needs are met, including in-home assistance, laundry services, meal or grocery delivery, etc. (those details are usually on the website).

Tell her you're too old to take care of her. Even if it's a lie, tell her that.
 
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JimBob1952 said:
Interesting.

What does your sister do all day? Might she be able to hold down a part time job?

Does she walk or take any sort of exercise? It's a great anti-depressant.

Does she follow any sort of schedule? Might she want to take a course or do something with her hands? If she wants to go to an elephant sanctuary, might she want to volunteer at a local animal shelter or zoo?

Have you explored all the state/county/local options? She might qualify for reduced cost therapy, for food stamps, or for other benefits. You might even be able to get paid for taking care of her if she can't take care of herself.

I'm dealing with friends, a couple, who are in a similar situation. They don't have a loving sister like you to take them in. They are in their early 70s, almost no money, with husband in early stages of dementia. So my wife and I are trying to help them (help the wife, really) explore possible options. My wife is fiercely determined and is a genius at finding and exploring various resources.

If it were me, I would let my sister know that she'll never be out on the street, but that if she is going to live with you, she has to contribute and make an effort to get better. Everybody can do something.
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Yeah, I don't think she's depressed. I think she just uses that to manipulate people.
 
I was going to post a reply here and then read back over your post to see if I wanted to say anything else. Second time I saw that you said she's possibly suicidal... you'll want to (hopefully) strongly consider calling a suicide hotline to see if there's anything they can suggest. This is much more than just a family member who may or may not be mooching. Too often we totally ignore or overlook cries for help.
 
Thanks to everyone for your comments - I'll try to respond to each one:

1. To Bellbird - thank you. You're right - that's exactly what I need to do and I'm getting better at limiting my generosity to dealing with her needs not wants. Your comment gives me some of the strength I need in order to back off.

2. BC Flash - I wish she would go to something like this. I've encouraged her in the past to join groups but she has no interest. She has developed a group of friends at the local riding stables and spent a lot of time with them in the past. But she recently tore the ACL and meniscus in one knee and has vascular problems in the other leg and for now, the doctor has told her to stay off her feet. If she ever heals, she will be back spending time there. And doing so helps her mental state.

3. To Jules - I have so tried rules! And I have so tried to model gratitude for her and she doesn't catch on. Unfortunately, my best way out is just to ignore her when she complains, which makes me sad but if I don't take the bait, she moves on.

4. To JimBob 1952 - short answer - she sleeps most of the day. She has always been a night owl up until 4 a.m. because it's been decades since she has had to get up to get to a job. And during the night hours, I think she watches videos on her phone. I've suggested jobs in the past (our local HOA had a front desk reception job) and she has said it would make her crazy to have to deal with people. But she does love animals and has a lot of empathy for them. She volunteers at the nearby stables because the ground there is soft enough that she has been able to walk in the past (until her most recent fall) but she has no interest in most other activities. She is on food stamps and medicaid - I'm not sure what else is available to her. I have told her she will always have a roof over her head if she wants but when I've pushed her to help beyond helping with the dogs, she teeters on the edge. I paid for therapy because she couldn't relate to the therapists her HMO sent her to, so I found someone she was happy with. I've told her that after a year, I hope he has armed her with the tools she needs to move ahead, but we'll have to see because her last session is this week.

5. To Murrmurr - thank you! I wasn't familiar with that site so I'll take a look. She would be much happier on her own than with me because "my castle, my rules" - and that reinforces that she hasn't accomplished any of her goals. And regarding the depression - she really is depressed. Yes - there may be some manipulation going on but I've seen her breakdowns and they are serious.

6. CallMeKate - yes, I called the suicide hotline about a year ago and had a long discussion but it didn't get me anywhere and they didn't have any suggestions beyond what I was already doing. She won't tell her therapist about her suicidal tendencies because by law, he needs to report it and she doesn't want to get dragged off to a psych ward.

Overall - this is heartbreaking. In high school, my sister was one of the "in crowd" - she was a pom pom girl and dated the senior class president. She married an Annapolis grad, later divorced and then married again, and then divorced - all her choice. She was always taken care of, admired and coddled, to the point where she never learned how to make it on her own. When she is at her best (or even just not depressed), she is bright and creative and can shine. It's just been so long since she's been at her best and it makes me sad. I guess I'm lucky that my mom told me I'd better learn to take care of myself. I needed to vent, to ramble, and to feel a little sorry for myself, as well as to get some support (because my friends all know my sister and I can't talk to them about her) and I thank you all for your comments. You have given me strength and ideas. I knew I would find that here. So again - thank you.
 
Holy cr@p. Maybe she won't mention suicide to her therapist, but that doesn't mean you can't. Therapist won't discuss with you anything she's talked about but will certainly hear what you have to say.

I echo getting her on waiting lists for senior housing. The sooner the better because those lists are long. If a place is offered to someone on a waiting list and it's declined, that person's name goes back down to the bottom of the list and the next person's name is called.
 
Sounds like you're becoming confused from all the stress. It's one thing to let someone live with you, and quite another to pay for their therapy or travel. Can you get help sorting all this out in your own mind?

I was in a situation that was similar in some ways, but I nipped it in the bud. My sister kindly gave me a place to stay, and I paid rent and my own expenses. She was terrible with money and expected me to help her pay for her medication, long distance calls, etc. I just said no, and that was that. But I know it's not always so easy.

You've indicated that you and your sister have had quite different lives. That was true in our case too. For various reasons, my sister grew up feeling entitled, while I did not.

There is support for caregivers, support for friends/relatives who have specific problems, and so on. Also counsellors and therapists of various kinds. Ask around about resources in your area. Good luck!
 
Not sure where you live at, but most states in the US have help with social workers in the counties for seniors like your sister & their families. We have a lady that we deal with for my SIL who sounds almost identical to your sister. This nurse has really been a blessing for us. She has helped with Meals for Mom, rides to not only doc appointments, but to stores & other places.

Talk to her doctors about what she is telling you & what you observe. A good doc will listen. She may not be telling them the truth. Also, you might want to check out an assisted living homes for just in case you need it. They would accept what she has coming in each month & YOU wouldn't have to pay out of your own pocket.

Please remember that you are first responsible for yourself. Who is going to help you when you need it?

Vent to us whenever you need it too.
 
Do you have low income senior apartments in your area. If her income is so low, she will pay little and qualify for every service there is. I'm infuriated for you. She's a user.

It sounds like she has dogs, there might be a one pet limit to most apartments. You have to get her out of there. Her "vacation" need is ridiculous. I'd be happy to visit Lake Tahoe just hours away by car.
 
Murrmurr said:
If you can tolerate her for another 6 months to a year, go to a website for low-income housing and put her on the wait-list for a 1 bedroom apartment. I got into mine in about 6.5 months. Single bed apartments aren't in great demand, so the wait-time isn't as bad as for family-sized ones.

There's more than one nationwide low-income housing website and some states have their own. I used this one; mutualhousing.com

Get your sister out of your house. Tell her how much better she'll feel having her own place, being able to walk around in a safe area, and that she can have pets. Let her know the low-income housing people are obligated to ensure her needs are met, including in-home assistance, laundry services, meal or grocery delivery, etc. (those details are usually on the website).

Tell her you're too old to take care of her. Even if it's a lie, tell her that.
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wow... I wish we had some of that here
 
Georgiagranny said:
Holy cr@p. Maybe she won't mention suicide to her therapist, but that doesn't mean you can't. Therapist won't discuss with you anything she's talked about but will certainly hear what you have to say.

I echo getting her on waiting lists for senior housing. The sooner the better because those lists are long. If a place is offered to someone on a waiting list and it's declined, that person's name goes back down to the bottom of the list and the next person's name is called.
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I jusst checked the waiting lists for senior housing in our county - they are closed. I'm in California and many of the waiting lists in the state are closed. So much homelessness - we need to do better. I think she has talked to agencies in the past and has been told that because she has a current living situation, they couldn't help. They are trying to get people off the street first, I guess.
 
NorthernLight said:
Sounds like you're becoming confused from all the stress. It's one thing to let someone live with you, and quite another to pay for their therapy or travel. Can you get help sorting all this out in your own mind?

I was in a situation that was similar in some ways, but I nipped it in the bud. My sister kindly gave me a place to stay, and I paid rent and my own expenses. She was terrible with money and expected me to help her pay for her medication, long distance calls, etc. I just said no, and that was that. But I know it's not always so easy.

You've indicated that you and your sister have had quite different lives. That was true in our case too. For various reasons, my sister grew up feeling entitled, while I did not.

There is support for caregivers, support for friends/relatives who have specific problems, and so on. Also counsellors and therapists of various kinds. Ask around about resources in your area. Good luck!
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You're absolutely right, and I'm working on sorting it out. I don't want to see her homeless, but have decided my response to any requests like travel will be " if this is something you want to do, then you need to figure out a way to earn/save the money for it."

The thing is, this is my sister. And family is important to me because I don't have much of it left. I can afford to help with what she needs, but it ends there. The therapy was something that she needs and I do believe it has helped, so it was worth finding a therapist she could relate to. I'll just have to see how things go after tomorrow, the agreed upon last session. Fingers crossed, right?
 
hollydolly said:
wow... I wish we had some of that here
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We need a whole lot more of it.

Mutual Housing Authority is gov't subsidized housing, and you do have that, I think. You call it Counsel Housing?

So far, each state has a MHA, or they have their own low-income housing with a different name. Unfortunately, I think our federal gov't will eventually take the whole thing over, like when the "unhoused" is closer to 50% of the population. Unfortunate because the feds aren't very good at this sort of thing. (unhoused is our new word for homeless)
 
Murrmurr said:
We need a whole lot more of it.

Mutual Housing Authority is gov't subsidized housing, and you do have that, I think. You call it Counsel Housing?

So far, each state has a MHA, or they have their own low-income housing with a different name. Unfortunately, I think our federal gov't will eventually take the whole thing over, like when the "unhoused" is closer to 50% of the population. Unfortunate because the feds aren't very good at this sort of thing. (unhoused is our new word for homeless)
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Yes we have council housing, altho' very little of it now.. and millions of people on the waiting lists.. but we don't have all those extras attached to the council housing that you stated you get !!
 
Flaneuse said:
I jusst checked the waiting lists for senior housing in our county - they are closed. I'm in California and many of the waiting lists in the state are closed. So much homelessness - we need to do better. I think she has talked to agencies in the past and has been told that because she has a current living situation, they couldn't help. They are trying to get people off the street first, I guess.
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I live in Calif. Several Mutual Housing wait-lists for one-bedroom apartments are open. It's true, MHA is under pressure to get as many people off the streets as possible, but they're focusing on 2 or more bedroom apartments right now. And even tho your sister is living with you, she can still qualify as "displaced." I lived with my son all during the 6 months I waited for an apartment. And about 3 months after moving into my apartment, Mutual Housing sent me a letter saying they had a house available for me. (and I shoulda taken it)
 


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