"Flaking"- how widespread is this?

JaniceM

Well-known Member
That's what I've heard it's called- 'flaking'- individuals who kinda brush off commitments of all types as if it's nothing more than brushing off a dried bit of sunburn. I'm wondering how widespread this is, and if anyone knows its cause.

Before recent years, I only encountered it once, ever- one of my brothers' wives, from a different background and culture, approached me one day and said she'd take me out for ice cream after she got paid the following Friday. Friday came, and she shrugged, "I didn't say 'I promise'."

During the last decade and a half, it's been everywhere- everyday life, business arrangements, the workplace. Someone says they'll be somewhere or do something, and do not follow through, don't let you know their plans changed, and later get mad if you bring it to their attention.
I'm accustomed to keeping my word- and believing others should, too. Each time, I make the mistake of giving individuals the benefit-of-the-doubt, that perhaps something important came up, but not once has that ever been the case. And it's not only my experiences- I even read about some musician who didn't bother to show up for a sell-out concert.
Both of my kids have had these experiences, but my experiences have almost entirely been with individuals in our age groups.

Might anyone know what this is all about- are people simply becoming more irresponsible by the day?
 

I hate being "shopped". You invite someone over or to attend an event and they won't commit. "I'll try to get by" or "I'll let you know". In other words, "if I don't find something better to do, I'll come over/meet you there/whatever."

Just say yes or no. Don't drag it out. I can understand if you need to check with the wife or the husband or the significant other to make sure they haven't planned something else, but that shouldn't take that long. You should be able to give an answer by the next day.
 

I don't think "flaking" is a new trend; it's always been around.

My younger sister has always been flakey. Many years ago when most of my siblings and I lived in the same town, she was notorious for initiating plans for a BBQ, dinner at restaurant, party, etc. then when it got close to the actual day/time she was nowhere to be found. Later if asked about it she would frown, feign confusion, shrug, or even act like others were being unreasonable. Or she would have some convoluted story/excuse. As the decades passed, she never changed.

A former friend pulled that nonsense one time too many......she and her husband left me and my SO hanging over and over. I got tired of chasing them down.

Me - first of all I'm not going to make a commitment for something I don't really want to do. If something comes up, I'll make a phone call as far in advance as I can. Even if I change my mind (I'm just not into it, too tired, not feeling well, etc.) there's nothing wrong with letting the other person know.

These days with cell phones, voice mail, texting, email, etc. there's no excuse for flaking.
 
If I say I'll be there, I'm there and on time, wouldn't leave anyone hanging. If something came up where I couldn't make it, I'd let them know as soon as I knew. It's inconsiderate to do anything else, never heard the term flaking though. Like Applecruncher, if I don't want to do something I won't make the commitment in the first place.
 
Sometimes people allude to getting together instead of simply saying "goodbye, take care".

"Let's get together for dinner soon" is not flaking.
"I'll take you to lunch on your birthday next Friday".....no show, no call = flaking.
 
It's called morals. No longer taught and no longer practiced. The modern world.

Oh I suspect that things haven't changed that much. This isn't really about morals but more about common courtesy and consideration for others. There has always been inconsiderate/rude folks and considerate/polite folks. I can say that if my son & DIL (both early 50s) make a commitment, they always keep it. Their two sons (early 20s) are the same. I guess we see what we look for....
 
I take commitments very seriously.

I usually experience the reverse situation. Someone will say call me next week and we will get together for lunch. When I call they are always surprised and extremely busy, they usually ask me to call back later in the month when things calm down. I never do.

Another one that happened a few years ago really amused me. I was at a function and a woman invited me to an annual get together at her home. She took great pains to tell me the date, time, what to bring, etc... and neglected to tell me where she lived. I've wondered if that was intentional or an oversight on her part.

I've learned that when I get these "we must get together for lunch" type invitations to smile brightly and enthusiastically say "most definitely" then move along.
 
I take commitments very seriously.

I usually experience the reverse situation. Someone will say call me next week and we will get together for lunch. When I call they are always surprised and extremely busy, they usually ask me to call back later in the month when things calm down. I never do.

Another one that happened a few years ago really amused me. I was at a function and a woman invited me to an annual get together at her home. She took great pains to tell me the date, time, what to bring, etc... and neglected to tell me where she lived. I've wondered if that was intentional or an oversight on her part.

I've learned that when I get these "we must get together for lunch" type invitations to smile brightly and enthusiastically say "most definitely" then move along.

Good for you for not making another call. The other party initiated the invite, why should you chase THEM down? :rolleyes: That surprised tone and "I'm so busy" excuse chaps my hide; :mad: shows the invitation wasn't genuine to begin with.
 
I always let people know as soon as I know if for some reason I can't keep a commitment. Barrring landing in the hospital, being in jail, or your own death, there is no excuse for not letting others know you won't be there! And even in the first two instances, you should call and apologize as soon as you possibly can.
 
Always been one of my biggest pet peeves. People know that if I say I am going to be there or do something,I will be there or do it. Hubby comments on it often-"I know how you are-if you said you would,you will. Always". My biggest pet peeve is people who RSVP to an invite and say they are coming-because it`s easier than saying they are not. Then they just don`t show. Grrrrr.
 
It's called morals. No longer taught and no longer practiced. The modern world.

Declining morality? I live in the modern world. For example, although our country is far from perfect, and our record is appalling re our treatment of indigenous peoples, our First Nation's people no longer must wait until after 4pm to access medical care at a doctor's office, police no longer raid gay bathhouses, beat and jail the occupants.

Mentally handicapped individuals in BC no longer are forceably sterilised. This speaks well to modern morals. Yes, there are, and always have been people who hold themselves exempt from common courtesy, committments etc. If a person encounters

this behaviour in older people, I wonder if they are rebelling from the responsibilities of their earlier years? I have encountered it, but not limited to one age group. If it persists, I distance myself. My time is equally valuable.
 
From the responses here, no one on this forum has ever done it, but everyone else does. Funny how that goes.

Well, it's a crappy thing to do -- just leave somebody hanging. And considerate people never do it. If you can't for some reason do something you've promised, you call as soon as you know you can't, and let them know. Everybody has something come up at the last minute, but you don't just leave people hanging, waiting for you.
 
I've been scratching my head as to the meaning of "flaking"

JaniceM wrote:

"That's what I've heard it's called- 'flaking'- individuals who kinda brush off commitments of all types as if it's nothing more than brushing off a dried bit of sunburn. I'm wondering how widespread this is, and if anyone knows its cause.

Before recent years, I only encountered it once, ever- one of my brothers' wives, from a different background and culture, approached me one day and said she'd take me out for ice cream after she got paid the following Friday. Friday came, and she shrugged, "I didn't say 'I promise'."

During the last decade and a half, it's been everywhere- everyday life, business arrangements, the workplace. Someone says they'll be somewhere or do something, and do not follow through, don't let you know their plans changed, and later get mad if you bring it to their attention.
I'm accustomed to keeping my word- and believing others should, too. Each time, I make the mistake of giving individuals the benefit-of-the-doubt, that perhaps something important came up, but not once has that ever been the case. And it's not only my experiences- I even read about some musician who didn't bother to show up for a sell-out concert.
Both of my kids have had these experiences, but my experiences have almost entirely been with individuals in our age groups.

Might anyone know what this is all about- are people simply becoming more irresponsible by the day?"


I think you've hit on something here most of us recognise or are starting to (though I admit the word "flaking" had been used in my presence and I'd not really known what it meant).

I try not to do it myself, as others have said, and do think I'ce experienced it recently more often than I'd thought possible (even from people in business where the obvious response is not to trade with them again).

On the other hand my late father failed to turn up for an eightieth birthday "party", or "booze up" organised by some slightly outrageous farming friends. My mother had been very worried my father might get into a bad state, and I think my dad realised that might be the unfortunate outcome too, and really he hadn't wanted them to organise the party in the first place, so he didn't feel any conscience when he left them all in the lurch by not being there. His real mates understood what he'd done, and the rest didn't matter, as all they really wanted was to make a fool of him, so maybe there can be good reasons for "flaking" sometimes :D .
 


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