feywon
Well-known Member
- Location
- Rural North Central NM
That was my Mom---she was like a kid the whole fall holiday season --- Halloween thru New Year's.
The first year after she died in 1985 was really hard.
For Those of You Who've Had Very Serious Depression!!
- Thread starter Ruthanne
- Start date
The first year after she died in 1985 was really hard.
Nathan
SF VIP
- Location
- High Desert- Calif.
I'm no stranger to A&D, have had periods in my life that were plagued with both. In recent times I was getting a handle on, and taking steps to manage my mood, then I lost my daughter a couple months back. Accepting the burden rather than resisting, not trying to hide from it, pacing myself in my daily pursuits, staying conscious of my eating, insuring that I don't attempt to embrace compulsive behaviors to "compensate".
I'm been informally self-teaching CBT concepts, although I'd prefer professional guidance. About a year ago I had a phone counselling session, which was all that was available during the Covid lockdown. Perhaps I'll re-visit my health care providers mental health services, hopefully get an in-person appointment. Exercise helps tremendously as a mood elevator, plus it helps balance out all your neurological functions.
I'm been informally self-teaching CBT concepts, although I'd prefer professional guidance. About a year ago I had a phone counselling session, which was all that was available during the Covid lockdown. Perhaps I'll re-visit my health care providers mental health services, hopefully get an in-person appointment. Exercise helps tremendously as a mood elevator, plus it helps balance out all your neurological functions.
Remy
Well-known Member
- Location
- California, USA
I'm sorry for you going through that also. Many people have no idea the effects of childhood abuse. You don't turn 18 and just get over it. We were developing human beings and helpless children.
Remy
Well-known Member
- Location
- California, USA
I can imagine. It's good that you at least have those memories, even if it's difficult now.
We didn't have holidays growing up. My mother put a stop to going to celebrations with my stepfather's family. I've since learned that isolating is a big borderline go to. Took me years but I finally started to buy decorations just a few years ago at thrift stores. I don't do a tree but I hang ornaments on the wall or put glass ones in bowls.
feywon
Well-known Member
- Location
- Rural North Central NM
This is going to be one of my long ones folks. As anyone reading the responseS here can see there are different forms of Depression, and different causes.
i have battled depression since i was 11 years old. After my parents split up. Situational depression. But it may have been inevitable i'd have some form and degree of it.
i once filled out a questionnaire in a psychology book about factors that play into it. There was no doubt that 4 of the 5 main factors were at play in my life including possible Genetics and modeling. Both parents had difficult childhoods and tended toward pessimistic views of life tho they had their moments of joy. i also have SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder which has to do with how much full spectrum light you get. Living in Climates with frequently overcast skies (whether from natural weather or urban smog) can contribute to depression. Stormy days don't impact me much if there is actual precipitation resulting but the days on end of grey skies (as in NJ when Mom moved me north) that get to me. Another reason living in dry rural climate good for me.
i can't recall all the ones now, just that the only one i was unsure if i had is the 'chemical imbalance'. However, they've yet to develop a physical test that can confirm that, what is more last info i've seen---they can't be entirely sure that the imbalance is spontaneous and pre-existing from birth, or if life events impact the chemical balance. Given what they have verified about the brain---i'd tend to think that our lives impact the brain. That doesn't mean that meds can't help, temporarily or long term. That is a choice each person needs to make for themselves. Actor, writer, blogger Wil Wheaton of Star Trek has been a really good spokesman and advocate as he suffers both anxiety and depression. He encourages those who do take meds (like himself) to be sure they are completely honest with their provider about any negative side effects or feelings it isn't help enough.
For myself i couldn't go that route. 1) i tend to get anomalous reactions to even OTC meds. 2) i had a sister who was diagnosed as Schizoid while in the Navy. i was 13 at the time. Her almost zombie like demeanor and one statement she made made me very leery of psychotropic meds. As the years passed things came to light that she may have been misdiagnosed or worse (story for another time). Two of us four sisters have studied psych and we both came to feel that if anything she had a Disassociative Disorder. Docs claimed she talked in 'word salad', but i generally knew what she was trying express.
The upsetting statement? A new patient down the hall was screaming. My sister looked at me and said: 'She's doing what all of us here are doing on the inside, we'd scream aloud if we could.' That experience of visiting her was also why tho i open to talk therapy i was resistant to hospitalization as well as meds, even when i had spells of the depression immobilizing me for short periods.
So...i self medicated with alcohol for most of my suicidal years. (first attempt at 13, lastone just months shy of 28) but not on a daily basis--a couple of times a year i'd drink enough to close the thought machine down for night so i didn't even dream. Once i started getting a handle on it i used meditation as sleep aid on most nights and only at times of added 'situational' issues (like a divorce, grieving a death) would i use a pill form sleep aid for a night or two because if i could get good sleep i could get a grip. Always surprised me how quick and willing most docs were to want to prescribe both sleep aids and anti-depressants long term. Also bothers me how many GP's do not pay attention to other meds with a side-effect of 'suicidal ideation' and will prescribe them to people like me who have made clear they have a history with depression and suicidal ideation.
What did i use instead of meds, because it has never totally left me?
Depends on the trigger:
When situational i apply my problem solving skills to resolve things, disarm the trigger as it were.
When SAD related, i try to give myself the same compassion i give others. i don't demand more than basics of myself if it extends more than day or two. Also remind myself it is temporary.
Fear and worry over state of world---i search out stories that provide hope and balance.
When grief-related (happening more often as those both i and loved ones age)--i actually face it, full on feel it. i spent of lot of my life suppressing my feelings (usually to spare others' feelings). Not healthy. i finally learned that for me the best way move on in spite of bad feelings is to identify them and feel them fully.
i've been 'Dawn Patrol' for people contemplating suicide. i've talked with family of suicidal people trying to help them understand. My first instinct is usually to try and help/uplift people--that's doesn't mean being a Pollyanna or toxically positive (yes there is such thing). It means meeting them where they are and helping them develop tools for dealing with their triggers. It means reassuring people at their most vulnerable then helping deal with their problems when their ready.
Also i've talked elsewhere about the benefits of my NDE. For one thing it made clear that while we can exit this reality, we cannot exit consciousness. As one of A. A. Milne's "Pooh" characters said 'Where ever you go, there you are'. We can leave these bodies behind but not ourselves. But it also gave me some clues to coming to terms with this individual life and becoming the enduring self/soul/consciousness i want to be.
i have battled depression since i was 11 years old. After my parents split up. Situational depression. But it may have been inevitable i'd have some form and degree of it.
i once filled out a questionnaire in a psychology book about factors that play into it. There was no doubt that 4 of the 5 main factors were at play in my life including possible Genetics and modeling. Both parents had difficult childhoods and tended toward pessimistic views of life tho they had their moments of joy. i also have SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder which has to do with how much full spectrum light you get. Living in Climates with frequently overcast skies (whether from natural weather or urban smog) can contribute to depression. Stormy days don't impact me much if there is actual precipitation resulting but the days on end of grey skies (as in NJ when Mom moved me north) that get to me. Another reason living in dry rural climate good for me.
i can't recall all the ones now, just that the only one i was unsure if i had is the 'chemical imbalance'. However, they've yet to develop a physical test that can confirm that, what is more last info i've seen---they can't be entirely sure that the imbalance is spontaneous and pre-existing from birth, or if life events impact the chemical balance. Given what they have verified about the brain---i'd tend to think that our lives impact the brain. That doesn't mean that meds can't help, temporarily or long term. That is a choice each person needs to make for themselves. Actor, writer, blogger Wil Wheaton of Star Trek has been a really good spokesman and advocate as he suffers both anxiety and depression. He encourages those who do take meds (like himself) to be sure they are completely honest with their provider about any negative side effects or feelings it isn't help enough.
For myself i couldn't go that route. 1) i tend to get anomalous reactions to even OTC meds. 2) i had a sister who was diagnosed as Schizoid while in the Navy. i was 13 at the time. Her almost zombie like demeanor and one statement she made made me very leery of psychotropic meds. As the years passed things came to light that she may have been misdiagnosed or worse (story for another time). Two of us four sisters have studied psych and we both came to feel that if anything she had a Disassociative Disorder. Docs claimed she talked in 'word salad', but i generally knew what she was trying express.
The upsetting statement? A new patient down the hall was screaming. My sister looked at me and said: 'She's doing what all of us here are doing on the inside, we'd scream aloud if we could.' That experience of visiting her was also why tho i open to talk therapy i was resistant to hospitalization as well as meds, even when i had spells of the depression immobilizing me for short periods.
So...i self medicated with alcohol for most of my suicidal years. (first attempt at 13, lastone just months shy of 28) but not on a daily basis--a couple of times a year i'd drink enough to close the thought machine down for night so i didn't even dream. Once i started getting a handle on it i used meditation as sleep aid on most nights and only at times of added 'situational' issues (like a divorce, grieving a death) would i use a pill form sleep aid for a night or two because if i could get good sleep i could get a grip. Always surprised me how quick and willing most docs were to want to prescribe both sleep aids and anti-depressants long term. Also bothers me how many GP's do not pay attention to other meds with a side-effect of 'suicidal ideation' and will prescribe them to people like me who have made clear they have a history with depression and suicidal ideation.
What did i use instead of meds, because it has never totally left me?
Depends on the trigger:
When situational i apply my problem solving skills to resolve things, disarm the trigger as it were.
When SAD related, i try to give myself the same compassion i give others. i don't demand more than basics of myself if it extends more than day or two. Also remind myself it is temporary.
Fear and worry over state of world---i search out stories that provide hope and balance.
When grief-related (happening more often as those both i and loved ones age)--i actually face it, full on feel it. i spent of lot of my life suppressing my feelings (usually to spare others' feelings). Not healthy. i finally learned that for me the best way move on in spite of bad feelings is to identify them and feel them fully.
i've been 'Dawn Patrol' for people contemplating suicide. i've talked with family of suicidal people trying to help them understand. My first instinct is usually to try and help/uplift people--that's doesn't mean being a Pollyanna or toxically positive (yes there is such thing). It means meeting them where they are and helping them develop tools for dealing with their triggers. It means reassuring people at their most vulnerable then helping deal with their problems when their ready.
Also i've talked elsewhere about the benefits of my NDE. For one thing it made clear that while we can exit this reality, we cannot exit consciousness. As one of A. A. Milne's "Pooh" characters said 'Where ever you go, there you are'. We can leave these bodies behind but not ourselves. But it also gave me some clues to coming to terms with this individual life and becoming the enduring self/soul/consciousness i want to be.
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feywon
Well-known Member
- Location
- Rural North Central NM
This is so true. My 3 half sisters had it so much worse than i. Removed from their mother's care at early ages, spent a number of years in Children's Home with rampant bullying, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Then when taken from there came to Dad who had a new wife and toddler me. Both Dad and my Mom knew the girls had suffered if not all the details, but in those days (1947 into mid 1950s) there was not as much info available to public about helping kids with such issue---and no professional help available if you were poor like us.
But then both my parents had experienced difficult childhoods, too so they were hurting a lot themselves.
Remy
Well-known Member
- Location
- California, USA
I'm so sorry @feywon I wonder how much help is even available today. Abused children are so conditioned. I never said anything about my childhood to anyone until I was in my mid 30's. It was a co-worker.
I have a brother 11 years older than me. He didn't go through what my other brother and I went through because my mother didn't go nuts until she married my stepfather when I was 7. My oldest brother was out of the house almost immediately then. He knew of the screaming and rages. But I know now, he didn't understand the true gravity. I never told him many, many things. My mother disowned him when I was in high school for the crime of still having contact with our bio-dad. She couldn't stand that. Yet he had every right to be.
I have a brother 11 years older than me. He didn't go through what my other brother and I went through because my mother didn't go nuts until she married my stepfather when I was 7. My oldest brother was out of the house almost immediately then. He knew of the screaming and rages. But I know now, he didn't understand the true gravity. I never told him many, many things. My mother disowned him when I was in high school for the crime of still having contact with our bio-dad. She couldn't stand that. Yet he had every right to be.
Depression is like:
Inside a glove with five thumbs.
The bread of life with moldy crumbs.
A naked puppet on strings of fire.
Lustful thoughts without desire.
Dante's Hell and Milton's tale.
Swallowed up by Jonah's whale.
A prize fighter without a punch.
A one leg man without a crutch.
Despair and delusion leech my name,
Numbness, voidness forever reign.
No brave wave patterns, comatose.
Paranoid injections, overdose.
Rigor mortis, yet still alive.
Post mortem colors but have not died.
Embalmed in life, awaiting death.
Suffocate, strangled with every breath.
Quite pointless to attempt progression.
Nearing the final dreadful end, Depression!
Whatever will be will certainly be ----
Though quite unfortunate for me!
Inside a glove with five thumbs.
The bread of life with moldy crumbs.
A naked puppet on strings of fire.
Lustful thoughts without desire.
Dante's Hell and Milton's tale.
Swallowed up by Jonah's whale.
A prize fighter without a punch.
A one leg man without a crutch.
Despair and delusion leech my name,
Numbness, voidness forever reign.
No brave wave patterns, comatose.
Paranoid injections, overdose.
Rigor mortis, yet still alive.
Post mortem colors but have not died.
Embalmed in life, awaiting death.
Suffocate, strangled with every breath.
Quite pointless to attempt progression.
Nearing the final dreadful end, Depression!
Whatever will be will certainly be ----
Though quite unfortunate for me!
Mitch86
Member
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
Simple solution for depression without resorting to witch doctors (psychiatrists): simply say or think this prayer at least six times every day: God grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the courage and energy to change the things I can change, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
MickaC
Well-known Member
- Location
- Manitoba, Canada
I think this prayer is in all of our minds....throughout our life.
MickaC
Well-known Member
- Location
- Manitoba, Canada
I take 240mg of antidepressants daily, and a prescribed sleeping aid at nite.
The meds consist of 180mg of Amitriptyline.......60mg of Citalopram......Zopiclone at nite.
Depression for me is not hereditary, nor any kind of chemical imbalance.
Cause.......2nd marriage.......28 year nightmare.
My thought was, once I ended the nitemare, I could scale off the meds......I was wrong.
Damage was done......it remains......my system needs the meds to be able to continue functioning.
If I would have stayed, ending my life would have been reality.
The meds consist of 180mg of Amitriptyline.......60mg of Citalopram......Zopiclone at nite.
Depression for me is not hereditary, nor any kind of chemical imbalance.
Cause.......2nd marriage.......28 year nightmare.
My thought was, once I ended the nitemare, I could scale off the meds......I was wrong.
Damage was done......it remains......my system needs the meds to be able to continue functioning.
If I would have stayed, ending my life would have been reality.
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I've done well on 12 mg. of anti-depressants for the past decade or so. I was taking a smaller dose for a few years. My depression, I believe, is hereditary. Also, childhood family dysfunction certainly comes into play. My 2nd marriage didn't help. However, group counseling helped a fair bit.
For those who have untreated depression - there is help out there. Your doctor should be able to help you, and there are resources online.
For those who have untreated depression - there is help out there. Your doctor should be able to help you, and there are resources online.
FastTrax
Well-known Member
Where have you been?????????????????????? Do you know you have been on the SF-MIA thread for many moons? So how are you? How's Casey Jones doing?
hollydolly
SF VIP
- Location
- London England
you've not been paying attention mi chico... Pera has been posting regularly but just not too often....roughly every couple of weeks recently..
MickaC
Well-known Member
- Location
- Manitoba, Canada
I deleted the last part of this post......I worded part of it in a way I felt should not have been worded the way I did. Sorry.
That's quite okay, no need to apologize.
I take 40 mg. antidepressant. It seems to be working for me at this point. I think it runs in my family, too, my mother had it as well as my brother and sister.
I know untreated depression can make a person feel helpless and hopeless but there really is help for it. I'm proof of that too. I felt awful for a very long time. Not anymore for the most part.
carouselsilver
Member
- Location
- Eastern PA
I have read about diet changes being a major factor in relieving depression! I also discovered a natural remedy called 5HTP which is amazingly effective. I suffered from depression since childhood abuse, and other trauma in young adulthood. I am not advocating any special treatment, just threw that in there about the 5HTP.
I have had counseling, medication, medical marijuana, etc. I find that one thing that can trigger depression, surprisingly, is white sugar. All my life I have used sugar as my "drug of choice." After joining a support group I gained a lot more control over it.
carouselsilver
Member
- Location
- Eastern PA
I had one antidepressant cause severe bowel issues, so yes, they can do that, unfortunately.
I used to take 5htp and it helped for some time but then I felt I needed something stronger. I have tried many antidepressants with not many good results and bad side effects including the intestinal ones.
The one I take now, Prozac, has worked the best for me.
carouselsilver
Member
- Location
- Eastern PA
I'm glad that you found the one that works best! I am still looking.
@Ruthanne
For years, I wasn't on meds, because I couldn't find one that didn't make me feel like a zombie. It was while I was under hospital care, that I was finally given one I could tolerate. They gave me other meds that were a bad fit. Third time, lucky .. sometimes we just have to persevere.
Perseverance is the key!
dseag2
Dallas, TX
- Location
- Dallas, TX
When my mother was in hospice they administered Trazodone for sleep. I am now taking it as well, and it does help me sleep, but I've also learned it was originally used as an anti-depressant. I've been taking Lexapro for 17 years for depression. So, I guess I am now getting multiple medications for depression. Anyway, I feel great.